Legendary Spoon Martial Arts
This is a short story / fake non-fiction I wrote a few years back, when I was a senior in high school. I was in cafeteria with my friends, then we complained about how sporks (spoon-fork combination) given out with school lunch was completely useless. The whole thing sprouted from there.
Me and my friends laughed ourselves silly after we read what I wrote. XD
Posted for certain someone who's recovering from operation -- enjoy.
Readers Beware: All of the materials, cultural and historical references, and characters in this fiction are really fictional, as the word "Fiction" suggests, no matter how true they may claim to be.
Legendary Spoon Martial Arts
*a truly fictional account of mighty spoons"
by Arandomstudent
INDEX
History
ART IS CREATED
The Spoon Martial Art, originally developed in kingdom of India, spread rapidly throughout Asia and Europe in the age of Spoonism. (40BC~120AD.)
It is said that Master Quun, the field Marshall of India at the time of King Darma Karma, happened to watch two kids fighting with spoons, and developed it into a primary form of the Spoon Martial Art.
Master Quun was very fond of his own invention; it is recorded in Jakamisatit (the official record of history of India) "Master Quun tried many times to convince the king that his majesty needs to train his troops with various spoon-wielding skills." However, the Spoon Martial Art - "King's Spoon Laws", Master Quun called it - did not become popular at the time.
The Spoon Martial Art was called "Spoon Dance," because it was more often used as an entertainment rather than a true art of attacking. It was not until about 40BC that the Spoon Dance was recognized as a form of martial arts. The event that caused it is as follows:
SPOON COMES INTO RECOGNITION
A brave Frenchman - his name was "Sir Juanivedere Kirtletoise Margarito Nunncilette," but his friends simply called him "Sir Juan" - washed up on Eastern shore of India. He was traveling through India to get to the Western shore of India, where he could set out for his homeland. (Sir Juan was rich, no doubt, for he did fine even though he spoke little or no Indian. Coins of gold speak a million words.)
While making his way through India, He came across a Shashinet (literally translates into "Spoon Dance Master"). Sir Juan found the dance very interesting, and learned it.
Few months later, the king of India found out there is a blond walking around, and sent out his men, saying that he "wants to have a word with the stranger." (from "Jakamisatit", the most detailed and the most historically and politically correct record of history of India.) The king's men found Sir Juan at a port. Our brave Frenchman, using his dessert-spoon, defeated three mad men charging at him. Sir Juan was quite surprised to see the damage that a spoon could do.
He sailed to France immediately to teach his people about new form of martial arts, and also to run away from Indians who continuously tried to pluck his eyebrows. (from a popular Indian myth that yellow eyebrow brings good luck and fortune.) Sir Juan safely arrived home and presented the new martial art to the king's court. French-people named it "Spoon Martial Art," because they thought "Spoon Dance" was too much delicate a name for such a deadly art.
THE SPOON BECOMES FAMOUS
The Spoon Martial Art became rapidly popular among people of India and Europe, and thus the Age of Spoonism begun. People of India started learning the Spoon Dance after they heard the somewhat exaggerated story of Sir Juan and king's guard. (It is one of the favorite bedtime stories to this day.)
It is recorded in "Jakamisatit" that the king of China secretly sent his men to India for them to learn the Spoon Martial Art. In Europe, it became a common practice for all knights and political leaders to carry a spoon around their shoulders. Those who mastered the Spoon Martial Art was given a title of "Spoon Master." In Denmark, the sign of two spoons crossing became a symbol of power. Ladies' favorite hair ornament was a spoon, because it served dual purpose of an ornament and a mode of self-protection.
THE SPOON EXPLORES ITS EXTREME BOUNDARIES
One might wonder if the Spoon Martial Art reached America at that time. The answer is: yes. The Vikings discovered the America continent a long time before Columbus even had an eyebrow of an idea. Of course, Vikings were skilled in the Spoon Martial Art. (Often, Vikings would be eating their soup and suddenly break out fighting, saying, "He stole my spoon!")
In the process of trading goods with Native Americans (i.e. robbing and burning houses), Vikings unintentionally taught them the mighty wonders of a spoon. Native Americans developed a different form of the Spoon Martial Art, which was wonderful, but it was lost after American colonization. There are some paintings of the Native American Spoon Martial Art surviving, though. Copies of "The Mighty Spoon," signed Kawadasky, is available in The National Spoon Museum, but the original is currently in possession of a private collector. (It was auctioned off at $35,000.)
THE SPOON HITS THE WALL
There are four places where the Spoon Martial Art never made it big; Africa, Middle East, Australia, and Japan.
The Spoon Martial Art was introduced to several African kingdoms, but they ended up butchering each other. Therefore, no Spoon Masters could survive in Africa.
In Middle East, the Spoon Martial Art was considered unholy. They could not accept getting blood on their silverware. Learning the Spoon Martial Art was disgrace, and those who learned it were cast out of his of her family.
The reason that the Spoon Martial Art never became a big issue in Australia is simple; the Spoon Martial Art never reached Australia. Mode of transportation was not adequate enough. Besides, people used to believe that if they sailed too far South, they would fall off a waterfall. Even if some Spoon Master ever went to Australia, he would not have met anyone, because population was too scattered.
In Japan, the Spoon Martial Art was rejected for yet another reason. Japan had a culture heavily dominated by chopsticks. (The author finds the Japanese chopsticks stupendously amusing.) The samurai and ninjas of Japan were required to eat their rice using only chopsticks, and they refused to use spoons in any sort of way. The Martial Art of Chopsticks, which is quite different from the Spoon Martial Art, is predominant in Japan, but that is a whole different story.
THE SPOON FALLS
Exclusive of the four (Africa, Middle East, Australia, and Japan) mentioned above, the Spoon Martial Art prospered, but the glory could not last forever.
King Henova of Henoslovakia, who was famous for being lazybones, ordered that special silverware to be made so that he can hold a spoon and a fork in one hand. A spork was made, a combination of two favorite silverware; spoon and fork. (Despised be the man who invented the spork, which does no justice to spoon or fork.)
Popularity of spoon decreased rapidly after the invention of the spork. The Spoon Masters began to use the spork instead of spoon, not realizing that the a spork is just not as effective as a spoon. The Spoon Martial Art went downhill fast.
The Spoon Martial Art was preserved properly only in India, China, and other eastern Asian nations, where there was no use of a fork or a spork. It is sad, though, that many people thought that the Spoon Martial Art was out of style. The glorious Age of Spoonism ended, and there was little or no further improvement on spoons or spoon-wielding skills. The spoons from 1800 years ago and spoons nowadays look exactly same.
THE SPOON REVIVES
However, after being almost forgotten for over 1800 years, the Spoon Martial Art is in trend again. New Spoon Clubs are popping up, and Spoon Masters are high in demand. (In a survey, 379 out of 500 people said they wanted to learn the Spoon Martial Art.) Finally, the humanity realized that the spork is pretty much ineffective and useless.
The new Age of Spoonism - called the Second Generation - started in Mexico. No one knows exactly why the Spoon Martial Art prospered in Mexico instead of anywhere else on earth, although there is an arguable theory about this, called "the Big Bangle Theory", which involves a cow, two aliens, and three tap dancers. Those who believe the Big Bangle Theory are called "Banglers," and it is said that they have a meeting every 35th Thursday of the year in Mexico City.
SPOON FOREVER
The Spoon Martial Art is a precious treasure of humankind. Using this Spoon Martial Art, we must make sure that it is never ignored again. We must bring back the old, forgotten spoon-wielding skills to pass onto generations to come. Remember the 1800 years that our spoons spent in dark, lonely cupboards. Beware the spork!
Types of Spoons
The Spoon Martial Art has its beauty in its choice of weapon - spoon. Spoon is small, light, portable, easily found, and fit for any occasion or person. There are a variety of spoons used in the Spoon Martial Art, and not one of them lacking in quality. (Or quantity!)
Wooden spoons are traditional in the Spoon Martial Art. Any wooden spoon is fit for occasion. (Three Wooden Spoon package, exclusive offer, available in a Dollar Store near you.) Mothers are known to discipline her children by spanking with a wooden spoon. The origin of this has been traced back to the Spoon Martial Art, in 80AD, when Queen Apricot beat her prince black and blue. It does not mean that wooden spoons are reserved to women only, though. In fact, Master Quun (the creator of the Spoon Martial Art) used only wooden spoon throughout his life!
Stainless steel spoons are most widely used, because it is most widely available. It does not easily rust or wear out. Stainless steel spoons make quite a show in a combat, sending sparks flying off in every direction. However, stainless steel makes a screeching sound when it comes in contact with another stainless spoon, which may or may not be pleasant. If the Spoon Master is skilled, he can make the screeching sounds into harmonious music, which is why every good Spoon Master is an excellent musician.
Cast iron spoons are heavy and deadly. Its handles are very decorative and detailed. However, cast iron spoons are impractical for everyday use, because of its rather immense weight. Therefore, cast iron spoons are passed down in families a heirlooms. There are only 50 or so cast iron spoons that come from first Age of Spoonism.
Golden spoons are very shiny. It is often decorated with jewels, usually a diamond or two. Golden spoons are excellent for the Spoon Martial Art. When a Spoon Master uses his spoon carefully, it shines brightly in a combat, momentarily blinding the opponent's eyes.
Silver spoons need constant care and polishing, and therefore are often used in the first step in Spoon Training to teach students the importance of a spoon. It is a shame if your silver spoon is not polished sparkling white.
Plastic spoons, a result of modern technology and science, are available in most fast food restaurants. Although it can crack or break easily, its immense quantity covers up for it. Most environmentalists oppose use of plastic spoons. Plastic spoons are useful in emergency, though.
Common Myths and Misunderstandings about Spoons
"I'll Kill You With A Spoon"
The above phrase is said as some kind of joke, because many people believed that a spoon can do no harm. So, taken literally, it means, "I cannot kill you." This is a misunderstanding; there is a deeper meaning. It means, "I am going to assassinate you;" In other words, "I will kill you swiftly and skillfully," considering the nature of the Spoon Martial Art. In the Age of Spoonism, many kings hired skilled Spoon Masters as personal bodyguards to protect himself from possible assassination by spoons.
"Using Mainly Spoons, We Will Dig A Tunnel Underground."
This Myth is true. Surprisingly, spoon is the most effective tool for digging, second only to shovels. (Ever used the phrase, "dig in," in front of food?) Many prisoners escaped from their cells through underground tunnel dug with spoons. (After a successful escape, the spoons they used were auctioned off at high price as a lucky charm.) This specific use of spoons was continued throughout the history of humankind, even in the Age of Darkness.
[EDIT September 14 '06 11:33 AM]
I should probably add "There is no spoon" to this.
Bwahahahaha.
Me and my friends laughed ourselves silly after we read what I wrote. XD
Posted for certain someone who's recovering from operation -- enjoy.
Readers Beware: All of the materials, cultural and historical references, and characters in this fiction are really fictional, as the word "Fiction" suggests, no matter how true they may claim to be.
Legendary Spoon Martial Arts
*a truly fictional account of mighty spoons"
by Arandomstudent
INDEX
- History
- Art is Created
- Spoons comes into recognition
- The Spoon becomes famous
- The Spoon explores its extreme boundaries
- The Spoon hits the wall
- The Spoon falls
- The Spoon Revives
- Spoon forever
- Wooden spoon
- Stainless steel spoon
- Cast iron spoon
- Golden spoon
- Silver spoon
- Plastic spoon
Types of Spoons
Common Myths and Misunderstandings
History
ART IS CREATED
The Spoon Martial Art, originally developed in kingdom of India, spread rapidly throughout Asia and Europe in the age of Spoonism. (40BC~120AD.)
It is said that Master Quun, the field Marshall of India at the time of King Darma Karma, happened to watch two kids fighting with spoons, and developed it into a primary form of the Spoon Martial Art.
Master Quun was very fond of his own invention; it is recorded in Jakamisatit (the official record of history of India) "Master Quun tried many times to convince the king that his majesty needs to train his troops with various spoon-wielding skills." However, the Spoon Martial Art - "King's Spoon Laws", Master Quun called it - did not become popular at the time.
The Spoon Martial Art was called "Spoon Dance," because it was more often used as an entertainment rather than a true art of attacking. It was not until about 40BC that the Spoon Dance was recognized as a form of martial arts. The event that caused it is as follows:
SPOON COMES INTO RECOGNITION
A brave Frenchman - his name was "Sir Juanivedere Kirtletoise Margarito Nunncilette," but his friends simply called him "Sir Juan" - washed up on Eastern shore of India. He was traveling through India to get to the Western shore of India, where he could set out for his homeland. (Sir Juan was rich, no doubt, for he did fine even though he spoke little or no Indian. Coins of gold speak a million words.)
While making his way through India, He came across a Shashinet (literally translates into "Spoon Dance Master"). Sir Juan found the dance very interesting, and learned it.
Few months later, the king of India found out there is a blond walking around, and sent out his men, saying that he "wants to have a word with the stranger." (from "Jakamisatit", the most detailed and the most historically and politically correct record of history of India.) The king's men found Sir Juan at a port. Our brave Frenchman, using his dessert-spoon, defeated three mad men charging at him. Sir Juan was quite surprised to see the damage that a spoon could do.
He sailed to France immediately to teach his people about new form of martial arts, and also to run away from Indians who continuously tried to pluck his eyebrows. (from a popular Indian myth that yellow eyebrow brings good luck and fortune.) Sir Juan safely arrived home and presented the new martial art to the king's court. French-people named it "Spoon Martial Art," because they thought "Spoon Dance" was too much delicate a name for such a deadly art.
THE SPOON BECOMES FAMOUS
The Spoon Martial Art became rapidly popular among people of India and Europe, and thus the Age of Spoonism begun. People of India started learning the Spoon Dance after they heard the somewhat exaggerated story of Sir Juan and king's guard. (It is one of the favorite bedtime stories to this day.)
It is recorded in "Jakamisatit" that the king of China secretly sent his men to India for them to learn the Spoon Martial Art. In Europe, it became a common practice for all knights and political leaders to carry a spoon around their shoulders. Those who mastered the Spoon Martial Art was given a title of "Spoon Master." In Denmark, the sign of two spoons crossing became a symbol of power. Ladies' favorite hair ornament was a spoon, because it served dual purpose of an ornament and a mode of self-protection.
THE SPOON EXPLORES ITS EXTREME BOUNDARIES
One might wonder if the Spoon Martial Art reached America at that time. The answer is: yes. The Vikings discovered the America continent a long time before Columbus even had an eyebrow of an idea. Of course, Vikings were skilled in the Spoon Martial Art. (Often, Vikings would be eating their soup and suddenly break out fighting, saying, "He stole my spoon!")
In the process of trading goods with Native Americans (i.e. robbing and burning houses), Vikings unintentionally taught them the mighty wonders of a spoon. Native Americans developed a different form of the Spoon Martial Art, which was wonderful, but it was lost after American colonization. There are some paintings of the Native American Spoon Martial Art surviving, though. Copies of "The Mighty Spoon," signed Kawadasky, is available in The National Spoon Museum, but the original is currently in possession of a private collector. (It was auctioned off at $35,000.)
THE SPOON HITS THE WALL
There are four places where the Spoon Martial Art never made it big; Africa, Middle East, Australia, and Japan.
The Spoon Martial Art was introduced to several African kingdoms, but they ended up butchering each other. Therefore, no Spoon Masters could survive in Africa.
In Middle East, the Spoon Martial Art was considered unholy. They could not accept getting blood on their silverware. Learning the Spoon Martial Art was disgrace, and those who learned it were cast out of his of her family.
The reason that the Spoon Martial Art never became a big issue in Australia is simple; the Spoon Martial Art never reached Australia. Mode of transportation was not adequate enough. Besides, people used to believe that if they sailed too far South, they would fall off a waterfall. Even if some Spoon Master ever went to Australia, he would not have met anyone, because population was too scattered.
In Japan, the Spoon Martial Art was rejected for yet another reason. Japan had a culture heavily dominated by chopsticks. (The author finds the Japanese chopsticks stupendously amusing.) The samurai and ninjas of Japan were required to eat their rice using only chopsticks, and they refused to use spoons in any sort of way. The Martial Art of Chopsticks, which is quite different from the Spoon Martial Art, is predominant in Japan, but that is a whole different story.
THE SPOON FALLS
Exclusive of the four (Africa, Middle East, Australia, and Japan) mentioned above, the Spoon Martial Art prospered, but the glory could not last forever.
King Henova of Henoslovakia, who was famous for being lazybones, ordered that special silverware to be made so that he can hold a spoon and a fork in one hand. A spork was made, a combination of two favorite silverware; spoon and fork. (Despised be the man who invented the spork, which does no justice to spoon or fork.)
Popularity of spoon decreased rapidly after the invention of the spork. The Spoon Masters began to use the spork instead of spoon, not realizing that the a spork is just not as effective as a spoon. The Spoon Martial Art went downhill fast.
The Spoon Martial Art was preserved properly only in India, China, and other eastern Asian nations, where there was no use of a fork or a spork. It is sad, though, that many people thought that the Spoon Martial Art was out of style. The glorious Age of Spoonism ended, and there was little or no further improvement on spoons or spoon-wielding skills. The spoons from 1800 years ago and spoons nowadays look exactly same.
THE SPOON REVIVES
However, after being almost forgotten for over 1800 years, the Spoon Martial Art is in trend again. New Spoon Clubs are popping up, and Spoon Masters are high in demand. (In a survey, 379 out of 500 people said they wanted to learn the Spoon Martial Art.) Finally, the humanity realized that the spork is pretty much ineffective and useless.
The new Age of Spoonism - called the Second Generation - started in Mexico. No one knows exactly why the Spoon Martial Art prospered in Mexico instead of anywhere else on earth, although there is an arguable theory about this, called "the Big Bangle Theory", which involves a cow, two aliens, and three tap dancers. Those who believe the Big Bangle Theory are called "Banglers," and it is said that they have a meeting every 35th Thursday of the year in Mexico City.
SPOON FOREVER
The Spoon Martial Art is a precious treasure of humankind. Using this Spoon Martial Art, we must make sure that it is never ignored again. We must bring back the old, forgotten spoon-wielding skills to pass onto generations to come. Remember the 1800 years that our spoons spent in dark, lonely cupboards. Beware the spork!
Types of Spoons
The Spoon Martial Art has its beauty in its choice of weapon - spoon. Spoon is small, light, portable, easily found, and fit for any occasion or person. There are a variety of spoons used in the Spoon Martial Art, and not one of them lacking in quality. (Or quantity!)
Wooden spoons are traditional in the Spoon Martial Art. Any wooden spoon is fit for occasion. (Three Wooden Spoon package, exclusive offer, available in a Dollar Store near you.) Mothers are known to discipline her children by spanking with a wooden spoon. The origin of this has been traced back to the Spoon Martial Art, in 80AD, when Queen Apricot beat her prince black and blue. It does not mean that wooden spoons are reserved to women only, though. In fact, Master Quun (the creator of the Spoon Martial Art) used only wooden spoon throughout his life!
Stainless steel spoons are most widely used, because it is most widely available. It does not easily rust or wear out. Stainless steel spoons make quite a show in a combat, sending sparks flying off in every direction. However, stainless steel makes a screeching sound when it comes in contact with another stainless spoon, which may or may not be pleasant. If the Spoon Master is skilled, he can make the screeching sounds into harmonious music, which is why every good Spoon Master is an excellent musician.
Cast iron spoons are heavy and deadly. Its handles are very decorative and detailed. However, cast iron spoons are impractical for everyday use, because of its rather immense weight. Therefore, cast iron spoons are passed down in families a heirlooms. There are only 50 or so cast iron spoons that come from first Age of Spoonism.
Golden spoons are very shiny. It is often decorated with jewels, usually a diamond or two. Golden spoons are excellent for the Spoon Martial Art. When a Spoon Master uses his spoon carefully, it shines brightly in a combat, momentarily blinding the opponent's eyes.
Silver spoons need constant care and polishing, and therefore are often used in the first step in Spoon Training to teach students the importance of a spoon. It is a shame if your silver spoon is not polished sparkling white.
Plastic spoons, a result of modern technology and science, are available in most fast food restaurants. Although it can crack or break easily, its immense quantity covers up for it. Most environmentalists oppose use of plastic spoons. Plastic spoons are useful in emergency, though.
Common Myths and Misunderstandings about Spoons
"I'll Kill You With A Spoon"
The above phrase is said as some kind of joke, because many people believed that a spoon can do no harm. So, taken literally, it means, "I cannot kill you." This is a misunderstanding; there is a deeper meaning. It means, "I am going to assassinate you;" In other words, "I will kill you swiftly and skillfully," considering the nature of the Spoon Martial Art. In the Age of Spoonism, many kings hired skilled Spoon Masters as personal bodyguards to protect himself from possible assassination by spoons.
"Using Mainly Spoons, We Will Dig A Tunnel Underground."
This Myth is true. Surprisingly, spoon is the most effective tool for digging, second only to shovels. (Ever used the phrase, "dig in," in front of food?) Many prisoners escaped from their cells through underground tunnel dug with spoons. (After a successful escape, the spoons they used were auctioned off at high price as a lucky charm.) This specific use of spoons was continued throughout the history of humankind, even in the Age of Darkness.
[EDIT September 14 '06 11:33 AM]
I should probably add "There is no spoon" to this.
Bwahahahaha.