Another Chance to Explain
I dreamt about Megan last night. We were driving around because we were going to the same place in the evening and for some reason had decided to spend the day together (hey, it's a dream). We argued a lot but were always trying not to. We laughed a lot but it was always while we were staring at each other. She talked about Nick. We went to his house actually but he wasn't there. Megan played Halo 2 the whole itme i was in that house. I met a lot of people I already know there. Laura Burns was there, and I had to ask her to quit being so fake with me. I turned into Jack Nicholson at some point and then back to myself. Something was being filmed at the house, a movie scene or commercial. Something. I got to be in it.Got to meet someone famous too but I can't remember who it was. They shook my hand though and smiled big fake teeth at me. I kept Megan in the back of my mind. She and I were supposed to leave at a certain point but she just kept playing. I woke up before we left.
I'm sure I'm thinking about Megan because her cousin tried to friend me on myspace recently. After a particularly embarrassing emotional outpouring to Megan I decided to completely cut ties. We no longer have contact and I like it that way. I didn't want to make Robbie feel like I didn't want to be friendly though, so I sent him a message asking whats up and how he was doing. It got me thinking about her again and I cannot stay curiosity once it's in my dreams.
So I got here and checked her ever present live journal. She seems to be doing as well as she ever has been. I am glad she is happy. It doesn't make me happy though. I wish i hadn't failed her. I know I know I didn't "fail", these things are just in the cards or theyre not. I wanted to be the one who made her happy though. I am not.
The fear of inadequacy follows me now. I can't be honest or confident without second and third guessing myself a few times. im about to be as old as my father was when he had me. I can't even date someone because i don't feel like enough of a person. Good enough of a person. Stable enough. Clean enough. I tell myself everyday I'm not good enough. This is why Jen doesn't like me. This is why everyone can be fucking everyone else and never even thinking about fucking me. This is why I can let sex control me this way. I feel like i've been trained to want what I can't have, and that is definitely love/sex.
Sure, i'm smart. Sure, i can draw. Sure, I can dissect moral dilemmas. Sure, I'm terribly nice. Everyone can and does recognize these things. Things never recognized: lonely, tender, affectionate, sexy.
I just remember the first time Megan ever came over to see me. I knew she liked me. I could tell. I want to feel that again. This is a lot of thinking about Megan. I want to let her go so badly. She doesn't care about me any more. I don't know why I can't let her go. She would never be with me again, no way. I don't want that any way. I just want to be free of this history we have. Start making something new. I thought I was. I can't escape the shame of not being good enough. I can't escape how I really loved her but didn't do enough to show that.
I'm sure I'm thinking about Megan because her cousin tried to friend me on myspace recently. After a particularly embarrassing emotional outpouring to Megan I decided to completely cut ties. We no longer have contact and I like it that way. I didn't want to make Robbie feel like I didn't want to be friendly though, so I sent him a message asking whats up and how he was doing. It got me thinking about her again and I cannot stay curiosity once it's in my dreams.
So I got here and checked her ever present live journal. She seems to be doing as well as she ever has been. I am glad she is happy. It doesn't make me happy though. I wish i hadn't failed her. I know I know I didn't "fail", these things are just in the cards or theyre not. I wanted to be the one who made her happy though. I am not.
The fear of inadequacy follows me now. I can't be honest or confident without second and third guessing myself a few times. im about to be as old as my father was when he had me. I can't even date someone because i don't feel like enough of a person. Good enough of a person. Stable enough. Clean enough. I tell myself everyday I'm not good enough. This is why Jen doesn't like me. This is why everyone can be fucking everyone else and never even thinking about fucking me. This is why I can let sex control me this way. I feel like i've been trained to want what I can't have, and that is definitely love/sex.
Sure, i'm smart. Sure, i can draw. Sure, I can dissect moral dilemmas. Sure, I'm terribly nice. Everyone can and does recognize these things. Things never recognized: lonely, tender, affectionate, sexy.
I just remember the first time Megan ever came over to see me. I knew she liked me. I could tell. I want to feel that again. This is a lot of thinking about Megan. I want to let her go so badly. She doesn't care about me any more. I don't know why I can't let her go. She would never be with me again, no way. I don't want that any way. I just want to be free of this history we have. Start making something new. I thought I was. I can't escape the shame of not being good enough. I can't escape how I really loved her but didn't do enough to show that.