(no subject)
Here is the PPC alternate ending to the Skylar James sporking.
*adopts a television announcer voice* Last time, on heave_ho:
Skylar finally got off the main street and into a back alley. It was dark and she could barely see. She, all of a sudden, got the feeling that someone was following her. She stopped dead in her tracks and just listened around her. She couldn't hear anything just her breathing, or was it her. She looked straight in front of her and someone stepped out in the middle of the alley. It was an assassin hired by heave_hoers, come to finish her off.
And now, the conclusion:
----------------------------------------------------
BEEEEEEP!
"No kidding!" Mara spun around in her chair and tried to face the screen, but her swivel seat was in need of serious repair and she ended up having to brace her arms against the desk to get a good look at next week's mission. "It's about time. We haven't been called up in ages. I think the Uncommon Comma has been afraid that we'll go insane with the increase in PotC PPC missions since the sequel arrived. What are we at now, eight thousand Sues on fanfiction.net? Nine?" She shook her head. "Let's see. Huh, that's strange." She peered at the Words. "This hasn't come from the usual channels. It appears to be an outside report."
She quickly punched in a message to her partner, who was going for an early morning "try-not-to-get-lost-in-the-corridors" walk with his girlfriend. She grinned. Doubtless he'd be grumpy about being interrupted, but it would be good to see some Sue-slaying action again.
While she waited for Isaiah's arrival, Mara scanned the Words. The report on the Sue was very thorough; it even went to the trouble of describing the Mary Sue, listing canon violations in the romantic pairing, and going over certain parts of the fic with a fine tooth comb of acerbic remarks. "This is quite lovely; I feel as though half my job is done. If only they all came this easily. I can start on my charge list before I even go into the story." Mara pulled out a handy red pen and began to process the story through her mental proofreading filter, marking crimes against canon along the way (starting with that hideous name). It wasn't until twenty minutes later that Isaiah burst into her quarters, wincing at the stitch in his side.
"Find any places you haven't encountered yet?" questioned Mara without looking up from her work. "There are rumors of a pool in HQ, I've heard."
"They must be fictional," said Isaiah, breathing hard, "because I don't see how we couldn't have explored all of HQ."
"Uh-huh," said Mara skeptically. "In here, halls are harder to navigate than at Hogwarts, and you claim to have seen all of them? Anyway, get over here as soon as your heart rate gets under control-though that might be difficult to do, seeing as how you were with Que-"
Whumpf!
A notebook bounced off Mara's shoulder. She didn't flinch; she had been expecting it. "What? I was just commenting on your lady love-"
"I still have my grapnel hook."
Mara rolled her eyes and motioned for him to look at the computer screen. "A Suefic has just come in. You're famous."
"I'm-what?" Isaiah raised an eyebrow. Mara had to be joking; the Department of Technical Errors agents usually tried to keep their heads down. Notoriety was a negative trait in Headquarters, where usually agents were famous for their psychoses rather than their heroics.
To his consternation, Mara faced him with a genuine expression of approval. "The Sues have heard of you. Look."
She jabbed a finger at the fanfiction story. Isaiah slipped on his reading glasses and followed her hand across the screen.
"I need to go back."
"What are you talking about," Anthony with a more steer voice said to her.
"Steer voice?" Isaiah snorted. "He makes mooing noises?"
"Don't go into spot-the-error mode just yet. Keep reading."
Reluctantly, Isaiah forced his eyes back to the story.
"You can't...you know you can't. Isaiah will find you. He has been looking for you and you know if you ever go back that he will just find you and use you."
"And this is in reference to...?"
"Skylar James, Mary Sue extraordinaire."
"Ah-ha. Well," said Isaiah thoughtfully as he began to buckle on his gear, "since I've gained such a, heh, reputation, I might as well pay her a visit. Hold on while I get some parchment for a charge list."
"That won't be necessary." Mara smirked. "We've been hired, it seems. Look at the way this report is organized."
Isaiah squinted. "A Sue report! Wow. This makes things much easier. We don't have to wade through the entire story and try to spot the charges; we already know where they are."
"That's right." Mara gave a deep sigh of contentment. "All we have to do is fix a few portal stops, right where we know the errors are, and confirm them. It'll be a much easier mission, and with fewer nasty surprises."
She handed Isaiah a copy of the Words, and he opened a portal into the Pirates of the Caribbean universe.
____________________________________________
The Skylar James Sue Report
___________________________________________
Half an hour later, the agents had giggled their way through a mission in the first time since...well, perhaps it was for the first time. Usually, jarring technical errors made them resort to desperate measures like clawing at their eyes or even, horror of horrors, witty remarks. Even that had been done for them, however. The agents had only to laugh along and corner the Sue at the end of a dark alley. It wasn't difficult; Sues were attracted to those sorts of out-of-the-way places.
Skylar finally got off the main street and into a back alley. It was dark and she could barely see. She, all of the sudden, got the feeling that someone was following her. She stopped dead in her tracks and just listened around her. She couldn't hear anything just her breathing, or was it her. She looked straight in front of her and someone stepped out in the middle of the alley.
The someone was rather short, had light hair and far too many freckles. His arms were folded across his chest. Swinging from his right hand was a grapnel hook with very sharp prongs.
"I suppose," the figure said casually, "that I should say something suspenseful. I know you Sues like that sort of thing." He deepened his voice. "We meet again. Was that good enough? I don't do multiple exclamation points...sorry."
His face suggested that he held the same amount of regret as a boa constrictor would for inconveniencing its prey.
Skylar James blinked her beautiful long lashes and tried to summon a "tragic heroine" expression. "Who are you? Where's my Jack?"
He merely shook his head pityingly.
"Now, then. I know you requested me, specifically, but we PPCers kill Sues in duos. That's the way it works. Meet my partner, Mara. She's actually more of a pro than I am."
The dark-haired figure standing behind the young man inclined her head, while she held what was possibly the most menacing clipboard in existence.
"Oh, yeah?" Skylar changed her tone to one of righteous defiance. "My True Love is coming to rescue me. He'll take me away from all my misery! He'll give me a place on his ship! He'll-"
"Quit your hysterics," snapped Mara. "We have some charges for you. For starters, you are guilty of bewitching Captain Jack and making him terribly out of character, having a name straight out of a time warp, possessing a 'scare' instead of a scar-"
"JA-A-A-A-A-A-A-CK!" cried Skylar, beginning to shriek. Mara winced and covered her ears as the almighty Sue-scream rent the air. "Anthony!"
The young man, though, stepped nearer. "Anthony defected to our side. He was tired of your Sueish antics. Were it not for you, he could be a fine original male character."
Skylar shrieked louder. Her voice had no effect. He walked nearer still. Impossible!
"Ahhh," said the young man cheerfully. "I love Glopsnerch Earmuffs." He gestured to the apparatus on his head, which was filled with a kind of gel. "The best part is, I can't even hear your tragic final words."
All of a sudden, there was a sound like a whip lash. Skylar lost her balance and fell to the cobblestones with a thud.
A hook had snaked around her ankle and yanked it forward, dumping her onto her back.
The young man knelt down beside her. His eyes locked with hers. "I am Isaiah. I have found you. And now, I am going to use you."
With that, he hauled her to her feet and shoved her in front of him. She acted like a shield. With her in front, Isaiah strolled down the streets of a pirate haven, at night, accompanied only by Mara. He would have run into quite a bit of trouble from pickpockets and murderers, but his "shield" took the brunt of all of the attacks directed at the party. He and Mara spent an evening sightseeing, wandering around near the docks and perusing the taverns, always keeping the Sue ahead of them. They enjoyed themselves thoroughly.
By contrast, the illustrious Skylar James was in rather bad shape by the end of the evening.
The End
Continue to Mission 13
*wipes off hands calmly* There you go, Heave_hoers. Another Sue bites the dust.
*adopts a television announcer voice* Last time, on heave_ho:
Skylar finally got off the main street and into a back alley. It was dark and she could barely see. She, all of a sudden, got the feeling that someone was following her. She stopped dead in her tracks and just listened around her. She couldn't hear anything just her breathing, or was it her. She looked straight in front of her and someone stepped out in the middle of the alley. It was an assassin hired by heave_hoers, come to finish her off.
And now, the conclusion:
----------------------------------------------------
BEEEEEEP!
"No kidding!" Mara spun around in her chair and tried to face the screen, but her swivel seat was in need of serious repair and she ended up having to brace her arms against the desk to get a good look at next week's mission. "It's about time. We haven't been called up in ages. I think the Uncommon Comma has been afraid that we'll go insane with the increase in PotC PPC missions since the sequel arrived. What are we at now, eight thousand Sues on fanfiction.net? Nine?" She shook her head. "Let's see. Huh, that's strange." She peered at the Words. "This hasn't come from the usual channels. It appears to be an outside report."
She quickly punched in a message to her partner, who was going for an early morning "try-not-to-get-lost-in-the-corridors" walk with his girlfriend. She grinned. Doubtless he'd be grumpy about being interrupted, but it would be good to see some Sue-slaying action again.
While she waited for Isaiah's arrival, Mara scanned the Words. The report on the Sue was very thorough; it even went to the trouble of describing the Mary Sue, listing canon violations in the romantic pairing, and going over certain parts of the fic with a fine tooth comb of acerbic remarks. "This is quite lovely; I feel as though half my job is done. If only they all came this easily. I can start on my charge list before I even go into the story." Mara pulled out a handy red pen and began to process the story through her mental proofreading filter, marking crimes against canon along the way (starting with that hideous name). It wasn't until twenty minutes later that Isaiah burst into her quarters, wincing at the stitch in his side.
"Find any places you haven't encountered yet?" questioned Mara without looking up from her work. "There are rumors of a pool in HQ, I've heard."
"They must be fictional," said Isaiah, breathing hard, "because I don't see how we couldn't have explored all of HQ."
"Uh-huh," said Mara skeptically. "In here, halls are harder to navigate than at Hogwarts, and you claim to have seen all of them? Anyway, get over here as soon as your heart rate gets under control-though that might be difficult to do, seeing as how you were with Que-"
Whumpf!
A notebook bounced off Mara's shoulder. She didn't flinch; she had been expecting it. "What? I was just commenting on your lady love-"
"I still have my grapnel hook."
Mara rolled her eyes and motioned for him to look at the computer screen. "A Suefic has just come in. You're famous."
"I'm-what?" Isaiah raised an eyebrow. Mara had to be joking; the Department of Technical Errors agents usually tried to keep their heads down. Notoriety was a negative trait in Headquarters, where usually agents were famous for their psychoses rather than their heroics.
To his consternation, Mara faced him with a genuine expression of approval. "The Sues have heard of you. Look."
She jabbed a finger at the fanfiction story. Isaiah slipped on his reading glasses and followed her hand across the screen.
"I need to go back."
"What are you talking about," Anthony with a more steer voice said to her.
"Steer voice?" Isaiah snorted. "He makes mooing noises?"
"Don't go into spot-the-error mode just yet. Keep reading."
Reluctantly, Isaiah forced his eyes back to the story.
"You can't...you know you can't. Isaiah will find you. He has been looking for you and you know if you ever go back that he will just find you and use you."
"And this is in reference to...?"
"Skylar James, Mary Sue extraordinaire."
"Ah-ha. Well," said Isaiah thoughtfully as he began to buckle on his gear, "since I've gained such a, heh, reputation, I might as well pay her a visit. Hold on while I get some parchment for a charge list."
"That won't be necessary." Mara smirked. "We've been hired, it seems. Look at the way this report is organized."
Isaiah squinted. "A Sue report! Wow. This makes things much easier. We don't have to wade through the entire story and try to spot the charges; we already know where they are."
"That's right." Mara gave a deep sigh of contentment. "All we have to do is fix a few portal stops, right where we know the errors are, and confirm them. It'll be a much easier mission, and with fewer nasty surprises."
She handed Isaiah a copy of the Words, and he opened a portal into the Pirates of the Caribbean universe.
____________________________________________
The Skylar James Sue Report
___________________________________________
Half an hour later, the agents had giggled their way through a mission in the first time since...well, perhaps it was for the first time. Usually, jarring technical errors made them resort to desperate measures like clawing at their eyes or even, horror of horrors, witty remarks. Even that had been done for them, however. The agents had only to laugh along and corner the Sue at the end of a dark alley. It wasn't difficult; Sues were attracted to those sorts of out-of-the-way places.
Skylar finally got off the main street and into a back alley. It was dark and she could barely see. She, all of the sudden, got the feeling that someone was following her. She stopped dead in her tracks and just listened around her. She couldn't hear anything just her breathing, or was it her. She looked straight in front of her and someone stepped out in the middle of the alley.
The someone was rather short, had light hair and far too many freckles. His arms were folded across his chest. Swinging from his right hand was a grapnel hook with very sharp prongs.
"I suppose," the figure said casually, "that I should say something suspenseful. I know you Sues like that sort of thing." He deepened his voice. "We meet again. Was that good enough? I don't do multiple exclamation points...sorry."
His face suggested that he held the same amount of regret as a boa constrictor would for inconveniencing its prey.
Skylar James blinked her beautiful long lashes and tried to summon a "tragic heroine" expression. "Who are you? Where's my Jack?"
He merely shook his head pityingly.
"Now, then. I know you requested me, specifically, but we PPCers kill Sues in duos. That's the way it works. Meet my partner, Mara. She's actually more of a pro than I am."
The dark-haired figure standing behind the young man inclined her head, while she held what was possibly the most menacing clipboard in existence.
"Oh, yeah?" Skylar changed her tone to one of righteous defiance. "My True Love is coming to rescue me. He'll take me away from all my misery! He'll give me a place on his ship! He'll-"
"Quit your hysterics," snapped Mara. "We have some charges for you. For starters, you are guilty of bewitching Captain Jack and making him terribly out of character, having a name straight out of a time warp, possessing a 'scare' instead of a scar-"
"JA-A-A-A-A-A-A-CK!" cried Skylar, beginning to shriek. Mara winced and covered her ears as the almighty Sue-scream rent the air. "Anthony!"
The young man, though, stepped nearer. "Anthony defected to our side. He was tired of your Sueish antics. Were it not for you, he could be a fine original male character."
Skylar shrieked louder. Her voice had no effect. He walked nearer still. Impossible!
"Ahhh," said the young man cheerfully. "I love Glopsnerch Earmuffs." He gestured to the apparatus on his head, which was filled with a kind of gel. "The best part is, I can't even hear your tragic final words."
All of a sudden, there was a sound like a whip lash. Skylar lost her balance and fell to the cobblestones with a thud.
A hook had snaked around her ankle and yanked it forward, dumping her onto her back.
The young man knelt down beside her. His eyes locked with hers. "I am Isaiah. I have found you. And now, I am going to use you."
With that, he hauled her to her feet and shoved her in front of him. She acted like a shield. With her in front, Isaiah strolled down the streets of a pirate haven, at night, accompanied only by Mara. He would have run into quite a bit of trouble from pickpockets and murderers, but his "shield" took the brunt of all of the attacks directed at the party. He and Mara spent an evening sightseeing, wandering around near the docks and perusing the taverns, always keeping the Sue ahead of them. They enjoyed themselves thoroughly.
By contrast, the illustrious Skylar James was in rather bad shape by the end of the evening.
The End
Continue to Mission 13
*wipes off hands calmly* There you go, Heave_hoers. Another Sue bites the dust.