Brokenhearted 6/?
Lexie is standing by the door, eyes blazing and hands on her hips. I’ve never seen her so angry before. The only time she came even close was when Little Sloan stained her favorite shirt. The daughter, not the…
Not that I blame her, she has every right to be angry with me. She just couldn’t have picked a worse time. Arizona is alternating between shooting me questioning glances and looking at Lexie like she ‘s sprouted another head. Between her disheveled hair, the mascara stains and the vein in her forehead looking about ready to pop, Little Lexie Grey is scaring the crap out of me. I jump up and try to diffuse the situation. “Lexie, I’m sorry. Please, let me explain…”
“Oh no. Mark already explained,” at this she shoots a quick look Arizona’s way, “but it doesn’t excuse…you had n-no right…” At this point the two Sloans decide to join the party. I cast an apologetic look Mark’s way and try to convey how much I regret what I did with my eyes. He simply nods and gives me a tight smile in understanding. He’s pissed but he’ll forgive me. Lexie turns to Mark, “I told you to s-stay home! I don’t want you seeing her,” she looks at me furiously, “a-anymore!”
“Lexie please, can we just - “Mark takes a step closer to Lexie and tries to put his arms around her, but she backs away. “No Mark! She KISSED you.” I quickly turn to look at Arizona who had remained rooted on the spot throughout this entire exchange and see her visibly pale. The previously dumbfounded expression on her face turns impassive. I gulp. “Dude, bet you wish you didn’t have that photographic memory now huh. You guys got any food in here?” Sloan waddles in and heads for the fridge. Make yourself at home why don’t you, I roll my eyes.
Little Grey looks like she wants to throttle the girl. Before she can commit manslaughter, we are all startled by the sound of a pager. I’ve never heard a sweeter sound. We all look around for the source of the incessant beeping. Mark waves his pager around, indicating it’s his. He gazes at Lexie with a pained expression and I feel another surge of guilt rush through my body. She simply rolls her eyes. “It’s fine. I’m staying at Meredith’s tonight anyway.” And with that, she turns around and storms out, slamming the door behind her. Nobody moves for a few seconds, the only sound that of Sloan rummaging around in the kitchen. “Hey dad, you should probably go the hospital, save a life,” she says through a mouthful of donut. I wrinkle my nose and look between her and Mark pointedly, not daring to glance at Arizona again. “Right,” Mark says. He seems to get the hint, because he pulls out his wallet and takes out a twenty. “Why don’t you order a pizza. I got you that American Dad boxset you wanted.”
“Sweet!” she grabs the money and shuffles out the door, the box of donuts under her arm. Mark’s pager goes off again and he heads out too, turning by the door and mumbling an awkward “See you later.”
The silence that follows is suffocating. I bite my lip and chance a look at her. Her face is still wearing its impassive, unreadable mask. It’s almost worse than if she’d been angry. “When?” she asks, so softly I almost don’t hear her. I swallow hard and clear my throat, resuming my seated position. “A few hours after…after I walked in on you.” I see her nod a few times, more to herself than to me. “Arizona…” I say, wishing she’d look at me, tell me what she’s thinking. When she finally does, I understand the meaning of the saying ‘be careful what you wish for’. I was prepared for angry, hurt, understanding if I was lucky. But what I saw in those captivating eyes was so much worse. Disappointment. I hurry to explain, to justify what I did. “I was upset. I thought you’d…I was so mad and hurting. I just needed…comfort. And he was there. I wasn’t…I wasn’t thinking straight. It didn’t mean anything. Arizona, please…you have to - “
“I have to what, Callie? What do I have to?” And there it was. The anger. Her eyes are blazing now as she stands up. “You kissed somebody else! And not just anybody…no, MARK SLOAN. I thought…I thought we were different. That you’d learned from your past mistakes. I thought I meant more to you than…You should have let me explain before jumping to conclusions. False conclusions.” She snaps, towering over me. I stand up too, annoyance starting to build up inside of me. It’s not like I didn’t have a reason to assume. She was holding another woman’s breast! “You’re right, I should have stopped and listened to you. But you can’t really blame me for thinking what I did. You admitted yourself that it was inappropriate and you shouldn’t have done it,” I say, trying to keep my voice level.
“That doesn’t give you the right to go around kissing people. Communicate, Callie. That’s what people in a committed, mature relationship do!” I shake my head in disbelief.
“Oh, so this is my fault now?! I’m really sorry. It’s just that Mark had lip implants and wanted me to check the mobility, make sure his lips are fine,” I bite back sarcastically. She freezes for a second, before she huffs and grabs her coat and purse. “What are you doing?” I ask as she slips on her shoes. “Where are you going, we’re communicating!” I yell after her. She throws me one last withering look, before she too storms out.
I slump on the couch, regret replacing anger. I shouldn’t have lost my temper, I messed up by kissing Mark. I was so preoccupied with the consequences for Mark and Lexie, I didn’t even stop to think how this would affect me and Arizona. Of course it bothers her. As it should. But, couldn’t she try to see things my way? I shake my head as the realization of what I did truly sets in. Arizona had a momentary lapse of judgment in her office. I, on the other hand, was completely aware that what I was doing was wrong. But in the moment, I just didn’t care enough to mind. And now, now I have to deal with the aftermath. This wasn’t like with George, when I slept with Mark after I broke up with him. This wasn’t like with Erica, who I wasn’t really in a relationship with yet when I freaked out. No, this time it was different. I cheated. I really cheated. Granted, I thought I’d been cheated on first, but that doesn’t excuse my behavior. Arizona was right. This is my MO. I’m stubborn, I don’t listen and I run to Mark. The difference is, this time…I’m afraid she won’t come after me.
I pick up the phone and call her. I lose count of how many times I get her voicemail, but I don’t leave a message. I don’t know what to say. Words can’t express how sorry I am. Just like words can’t express how much she means to me. Sure, I can say the words ‘I love you’. But that doesn’t even come close to describing…No, there are no words. I notice the envelope indicating I have unread messages. Her messages. Her words. Telling me she’s sorry. Telling me she loves me. Clearing up what I saw. What I thought I’d seen. If only I’d listened. If only I’d trusted her. None of this would have happened. We’d be having dinner right now, fighting about whether or not there was room for her hideous yellow loveseat in our apartment. Our…A tear trickles down my cheek as I wonder if I’m still allowed to think of Arizona and I in that way.
Tonight was supposed to be about getting my burning questions answered. But here I am, finding myself lost in a heap of new questions. Where is Arizona right now? Would she be able to forgive me? Are Mark and Lexie going to be alright? This morning I dreaded having to make this huge decision about our relationship. Now, however, I desperately wish it were up to me.
I eventually get up and throw the food in the trash. I walk around the living room, blowing out the candles in my wake. I hit the green button one last time, biting my lip in anticipation as ring after ring floods my eardrums. My heart leaps when I hear her voice…and drops to my stomach as I realize it’s just her voicemail again. I let out a deep sigh and head into my bedroom, where I collapse onto my bed completely spent. Exhaustion takes over me and before I can even summon the energy to crawl under the covers, I fall into a deep slumber…one arm thrown over Arizona’s side, clutching her pillow, while the other still clings to my phone.