Dreams, goals, wtf
Last night I did some crazy binge watching '13 reasons why'. I don't remember what time I fell asleep. *shrugs*
Today I feel really rested though.Which is odd for me to feel because I haven't slept much in the past 2 months.I can count on my fingers and toes of how many hours I racked up alone this month. I to need start to taking valerian root again. Ive been having weird dreams and nightmares. Nightmares of men invading my home and trying to harm me. I have no idea whats going on with my brain. Just Randomly waking up at all hours of the night and unable to fall back asleep.
Anyway,Its about time we say farewell to August, one more week and summer is gone out the ballpark. What am I going to do with me life?! Like seriously, This era of taking care of children full-time is done. Now they will be in school.. And I know, I should be in school as well. I still haven't figured it out. In this perfect world I would have my bakery by now. A small cafe on a corner of a street with 2 sitting tables outside. I fantasy about that. I had by own dessert business from home but then I got really ill and closed shop. Do I want to adventure back to that?
School would be nice, get my nursing,dental hygienist or optometrist degree.That is what I am really interested in. A degree I can actually use in this world. Jobs are hard to come by, especially GOOD jobs that pay well. But I fear for myself. I wonder if I am well enough? I am scared that one day my anxiety is going to flare up and I am going to loose my mind again. My anxiety gets so bad that my thought process becomes really bizarre and my symptoms are extreme and when people are around while I am having a episode, It makes it worse >.<
When I was younger I did amazing at school, I was even suppose to skip a grade, however my mom feared for me. So she let me be average, she didn't push my potential so I stood in the same grade. At the age of 10-11 I knew what I wanted to be up until high school. I wanted to be a therapist. Sadly sometimes I wish. I love helping people, I am intrigued with people and what makes them tick. At 12-13 years old I would sit on my old bulky desktop and google mental health disorders. I would learn about them, I mean for hours. This is some bizarre shit,i know. I was so intrigued and could not believe that the brain has a mind of its own pretty much. I remember looking up anxiety, and I couldn't believe that people who suffer with this would sometimes be afraid of other people, afraid to leave their house, afraid to do anything. As a 12 year old I couldn't fathom someone who wasn't able to play outside or make friends. Ha, I can't believe I became one of those people at on point of my life. (insert dark humor here)
Growing up is rough, the aging doesn't bother me but the pain does. The growing pains are hard to deal with. Reparenting yourself is rough. Trying to reprogram your brain to adapt,learn better surviving skills and copping mechanism. You are the parent and the child. what a poetic tragedy.
I need coffee.. Till we meet again - toodles <3