The car (part 2)
I was colder than ever tonight. I was much colder inside your car than I was waiting for you on sidewalk. I looked at you and you were like stone, frozen in time.It gave me the shivers. The coldness and the tension created icicles in between us. It was piercing my heart, can you feel it too?
I sat in the passenger seat with my head down, like a scared child ready to be scolded. But you were wrong, how could you not notice? I sat there in silence not really understanding how or why we got to this point.I recalled all the dates and times when things were good. Hoping this would create some courage in me to speak up.I couldn't.. My voice had been stolen from me and I couldn't find it. But even then my words meant nothing to you just as much as my tears. This was the night that I completely lost myself.Or maybe I had lost myself a while ago in this relationship and I failed to notice? Maybe tonight I actually realize how far gone I am.
I blew air onto the windows of the car to create a fog. There I drew lines with my fingers. "stop doing that, whats the matter with you?!" I hear your voice and suddenly I snapped out of the daydream I was having of us being happy in pastimes. Your voice frighten me. Your tone seem like you were so disgusted and upset with me. Without a warning it triggered me. Whats the matter with me? I thought. You can not be serious? I grew in rage by this sentenced. I became fed up with you not realizing what was the matter with me. How can you not know? As if you weren't the one who turned my world upside down. You were the one who created this new person and now you don't like her? I don't even recognize myself anymore so if anything I am the one who should be disgusted here.These words and emotions flooded my brain and I felt A burning fire at my feet and I felt this fire rise. It rose to my lips and just like fires do they spread if you do not put them out quick enough. Out of my mouth the words just pushed out without thinking."Are you delusional? I want out of this relationship, you can not..."
It happened so fast that I didn't see it coming. I didn't know that I was going to trigger you, I didn't know that me trying to finally stand up for myself was going to push your buttons.In fact, I didn't even get to fully finish my sentence. I didn't get to explain why I wanted out of the relationship. All I felt was pain. But I separated from my body that night, I was floating and I was trying to bring myself back but I drifted to far away.Instead I watch my head hit the dashboard A few times. I watch you choke me with your hands. That night proved to me that I was too far gone down the rabbit hole and I needed saving.