(no subject)
I wanted to post this in my journal because I hold little illusion what my opnion means to the person I wrote it to. Her post in her own journal is as follows:
btlenosedolph82 writes on 7-23-07;
"Changes
There have been alot of changes lately. Some things that had to change and somethings I wish hadn't changed at all. Asking for the divorce was one of the hardest things that I have had to do. It is what I wanted but I hurt Mike so bad in asking for it and it killed me to do it. Unlike what some people belive I am not a selfish bitch. These last 2 months have taught me alot about myself that I havn't really known. Sounds weird but true. I am truley happy except for the part that I hurt Mike. I wish things could have been different. I have found ou trecently that I can't trust some of the closet people to me who Ithought I would always be able to trust. That hurts alot to know that I can't. Right now in my life as I was talking to a couple people I have to make sure I am happy first and then other people next. I don't know if this post makes any sense to anyone else but it does to me.
Oklahoma was great and peaceful. I didn't want to leave and come back to Wisconsin. Jenns family was really nice and welcoming. I feel like I have known them my whole life. Maybe one day we will move back there, but not right now.
I just got back to work last thursday because I was on disability because I hurt my back. Slipped disks are no fun. But the drugs they give you are :).
Summer is going by so fast and I don't want it to. We went to Festa Itialiana on Saturday night with my mom, Kevin, and Jim. We also when to meet up with Andrea and Brian for Andi's birthday. Afterwards, Jenn and I picked up Dana and meet Andi and Brian up at the Thirsty Moose for Andi's birthday. We stayed until close and then gave andi and dana a ride home. We talked with dana till about 3:30 and then left and decided that we wanted donuts so we went to Dunkin Donuts and got some breakfast. Afterwards,Jenn and I went home and watched THe L Word and went to bed at 6am.Well thats my update for now I have to get to work :(. Oh well for spelling errors."
This is my reply;
aquapura wrote on 7-24-07:
"I suppose I have a different opinion. Was your divorce needful? Yes. Was it hard for you to ask for? I certainly believe so. The way you went about asking for it, and how you acted after you did? In my opinion, it was rather poor.
By your own admission, you were absent from your apartment for days, even before you asked for a divorce, only telling your husband, who, at that point had every right to be concerned for your safety and wellbeing that you were in "South Milwaukee". My, weren't we concerned for the state of his mind...
I suppose you did have a reason, as you shrieked to me on the phone the night I finally tracked you down for him, you said you were upset because when you went by him you got this horrible guilt trip. Wow, I have no idea what you might feel guilty for...
Perhaps marrying a man when you happened to be a lesbian? That might make me feel a tad guilty. I know I would feel like the lowest sack of shit, if I knew that I married someone that I could not stay with for no fault of his own. I realize that you didn't know until you finally had the courage to admit it to yourself, but, when you did figure it out, don't you think the right thing to do would to have faced up to the horrendous pain you just caused, take the licks like a woman, and apologize while working to fix the situation to make the divorce to a man that loved every bit of you as painless as possible?
How can you live with yourself knowing that instead of facing up to the pain, you ran to save yourself any of it? Even getting you to settle down to pick a time to get your crap together was nearly impossible, you had much to much to do, most of it focusing on when your new lover was going to get home. The fact of which you certainly weren't shy in telling the man you married, while you were still married to him. He may have agreed to let you experiment with your sexuality, but you certainly had no tact in doing so, nor do I think he imagined that you would walk away from him as a result. He gave you trust, you betrayed it.
You were so concerned about how you spent your time; it was hilarious that you didn't seem to care about how everyone else was spending theirs. I took an entire day of my time to help both you and him work things out at the end, your friend took an entire day too to mediate this parade of shame, and did it matter to you? Apparently not, considering I didn't even get home before you called your soon to be ex-husband to whine about how you felt it didn't go how you wanted it, and how you felt that your friend didn't have your best interests in mind. If you felt that way, you should have opened your mouth ya big git! Instead, all that we did was a complete waste of time, but I am glad you managed to get your plans in. Ecstatic. You hugged me at the end of that six hour session, and simpered that you hoped we could still be friends. It is a good thing I am a proficient negotiator and diplomat, or I would have vomited in your shoes.
In all this wonderful mess that you have begun, you have had a hand in changing one of my oldest friends. His confidence in himself is shattered. My friend, who I would trust and hold fast to the ends of the earth, now speaks of the cold comforts of the tomb, and clutches the bottle in the hopes of dealing with the pain that you have left him with,. I am furious with him. I want him vital and alive again. I want to grab him by the neck and shake him until he sees that this is not the end of all things. That I am here, that I will be by his side to the end of our days, but, he is too lost in his agony to make sense of my words. The last time we spoke, we fought; it all came down to the fact that if I was his friend, I would not stand by and not care that he is ripping himself apart. He was angry, he wanted me to not care, to let him live or die by his misery. I cannot do that.
Now we rarely speak.
I still try to look in though, I try. I gaze up at his apartment, hoping, wishing, that he will be alright. I don't know that he will. I know he is strong, and I hope. That is all I can do.
I blame your hand in it. He tried everything he could do to make you happy, and you spat upon his efforts. It isn't that you are gay, make no mistake, but how you treated him after you told him. So no, I am not glad that you are happy; I am not that good, or forgiving of a person. I think that your actions were despicable, and I hope, with all the dark thoughts that course through my veins like a disease, that you reap here what you have sown. In fact, multiply that uncaringness, that selfishness, that seeming disregard to someone that dared to give you his love by three; only then might I come to peace with what you have wrought here.
~Melissa"
I don't know why I feel the need to write what I know will rarely be seen in a favorable light. Rarely is anyone a fan of my observations, usually they are seen as too harsh, to direct. I know I am both those things. This however was something that tore at me, I needed to write it.
btlenosedolph82 writes on 7-23-07;
"Changes
There have been alot of changes lately. Some things that had to change and somethings I wish hadn't changed at all. Asking for the divorce was one of the hardest things that I have had to do. It is what I wanted but I hurt Mike so bad in asking for it and it killed me to do it. Unlike what some people belive I am not a selfish bitch. These last 2 months have taught me alot about myself that I havn't really known. Sounds weird but true. I am truley happy except for the part that I hurt Mike. I wish things could have been different. I have found ou trecently that I can't trust some of the closet people to me who Ithought I would always be able to trust. That hurts alot to know that I can't. Right now in my life as I was talking to a couple people I have to make sure I am happy first and then other people next. I don't know if this post makes any sense to anyone else but it does to me.
Oklahoma was great and peaceful. I didn't want to leave and come back to Wisconsin. Jenns family was really nice and welcoming. I feel like I have known them my whole life. Maybe one day we will move back there, but not right now.
I just got back to work last thursday because I was on disability because I hurt my back. Slipped disks are no fun. But the drugs they give you are :).
Summer is going by so fast and I don't want it to. We went to Festa Itialiana on Saturday night with my mom, Kevin, and Jim. We also when to meet up with Andrea and Brian for Andi's birthday. Afterwards, Jenn and I picked up Dana and meet Andi and Brian up at the Thirsty Moose for Andi's birthday. We stayed until close and then gave andi and dana a ride home. We talked with dana till about 3:30 and then left and decided that we wanted donuts so we went to Dunkin Donuts and got some breakfast. Afterwards,Jenn and I went home and watched THe L Word and went to bed at 6am.Well thats my update for now I have to get to work :(. Oh well for spelling errors."
This is my reply;
aquapura wrote on 7-24-07:
"I suppose I have a different opinion. Was your divorce needful? Yes. Was it hard for you to ask for? I certainly believe so. The way you went about asking for it, and how you acted after you did? In my opinion, it was rather poor.
By your own admission, you were absent from your apartment for days, even before you asked for a divorce, only telling your husband, who, at that point had every right to be concerned for your safety and wellbeing that you were in "South Milwaukee". My, weren't we concerned for the state of his mind...
I suppose you did have a reason, as you shrieked to me on the phone the night I finally tracked you down for him, you said you were upset because when you went by him you got this horrible guilt trip. Wow, I have no idea what you might feel guilty for...
Perhaps marrying a man when you happened to be a lesbian? That might make me feel a tad guilty. I know I would feel like the lowest sack of shit, if I knew that I married someone that I could not stay with for no fault of his own. I realize that you didn't know until you finally had the courage to admit it to yourself, but, when you did figure it out, don't you think the right thing to do would to have faced up to the horrendous pain you just caused, take the licks like a woman, and apologize while working to fix the situation to make the divorce to a man that loved every bit of you as painless as possible?
How can you live with yourself knowing that instead of facing up to the pain, you ran to save yourself any of it? Even getting you to settle down to pick a time to get your crap together was nearly impossible, you had much to much to do, most of it focusing on when your new lover was going to get home. The fact of which you certainly weren't shy in telling the man you married, while you were still married to him. He may have agreed to let you experiment with your sexuality, but you certainly had no tact in doing so, nor do I think he imagined that you would walk away from him as a result. He gave you trust, you betrayed it.
You were so concerned about how you spent your time; it was hilarious that you didn't seem to care about how everyone else was spending theirs. I took an entire day of my time to help both you and him work things out at the end, your friend took an entire day too to mediate this parade of shame, and did it matter to you? Apparently not, considering I didn't even get home before you called your soon to be ex-husband to whine about how you felt it didn't go how you wanted it, and how you felt that your friend didn't have your best interests in mind. If you felt that way, you should have opened your mouth ya big git! Instead, all that we did was a complete waste of time, but I am glad you managed to get your plans in. Ecstatic. You hugged me at the end of that six hour session, and simpered that you hoped we could still be friends. It is a good thing I am a proficient negotiator and diplomat, or I would have vomited in your shoes.
In all this wonderful mess that you have begun, you have had a hand in changing one of my oldest friends. His confidence in himself is shattered. My friend, who I would trust and hold fast to the ends of the earth, now speaks of the cold comforts of the tomb, and clutches the bottle in the hopes of dealing with the pain that you have left him with,. I am furious with him. I want him vital and alive again. I want to grab him by the neck and shake him until he sees that this is not the end of all things. That I am here, that I will be by his side to the end of our days, but, he is too lost in his agony to make sense of my words. The last time we spoke, we fought; it all came down to the fact that if I was his friend, I would not stand by and not care that he is ripping himself apart. He was angry, he wanted me to not care, to let him live or die by his misery. I cannot do that.
Now we rarely speak.
I still try to look in though, I try. I gaze up at his apartment, hoping, wishing, that he will be alright. I don't know that he will. I know he is strong, and I hope. That is all I can do.
I blame your hand in it. He tried everything he could do to make you happy, and you spat upon his efforts. It isn't that you are gay, make no mistake, but how you treated him after you told him. So no, I am not glad that you are happy; I am not that good, or forgiving of a person. I think that your actions were despicable, and I hope, with all the dark thoughts that course through my veins like a disease, that you reap here what you have sown. In fact, multiply that uncaringness, that selfishness, that seeming disregard to someone that dared to give you his love by three; only then might I come to peace with what you have wrought here.
~Melissa"
I don't know why I feel the need to write what I know will rarely be seen in a favorable light. Rarely is anyone a fan of my observations, usually they are seen as too harsh, to direct. I know I am both those things. This however was something that tore at me, I needed to write it.