there was once a beautiful girl
Omigod!
Just when I'm beginning to jade on the Hindi movies I've seen of late. Just when I least expect the boy --- er, man --- to get ANY hotter.
So I'm excited enough to be talking about this with much flailage and squeeage. Imagine arms waving in the air, enthusiastic Indian style, if you will.
So last Friday when the Aunt was taking me home, we stopped off in Liverpool to pick up some Indian Chinese food for the next day when we were having family over. And because she is awesomeawesomeawesome, she showed me the Hindi movie shop next door where she got Being Cyrus from and also where she browbeat the dude into selling her the three Shah Rukh movies on one DVD for less than its already bargain price. *facepalms* Honestly, the woman will never cease to embarrass me.
Yes, she took me into a Hindi movie store. God only knows what she was thinking. I was all *squee, point, squee, point, squee, flail, point and squee* "Ooh, Saif!! Ooh, Shah Rukh! Ooh, Kajol! Ooh SAIF!" But I was good and mindful of my totally poverty stricken pocket and did not go completely mental as would be expected.
I focused. All I wanted was Omkara and Hum Tum and was totally bracing myself to be told they didn't have them or, even worse, they had them but couldn't find them. You think I'm kidding. I'm not. It's a bloody Indian store. She totally got told that the last time she went in there. So I went up to the counter with heavy heart and sullen mouth and asked the girl mournfully if they had Hum Tum. And the girl says unequivocally "Yes! I just saw it, I just put several copies on the shelves, hold on, I'll show you!"
I nearly leapt on her and kissed her. As it was, there were some fraught moments cos she couldn't seem to actually find it on the shelves. In the process, I found Omkara and it was on a DVD with another Saif film, Ek Hasina Thi which I knew to be one more Saif-as-not-nice-guy role. Hadn't really given that one much thought, didn't recognise the girl in it, didn't really know the story and didn't care cos I was all focused on Saif-as-Iago and Saif-in-Paris. And she found Hum Tum on, ha, a DVD with Being Cyrus so I now have two copies of one Saif film but hey, I kinda like that film cos it's him being all arty and ambiguous so it's okay. We walk out of there with two DVDs, four films, for six dollars all up. The mind boggles, honestly.
Fast forward to tonight. Killing time before House, I decided to give Omkara a go. Pop it in, turn on the subtitles, get alternately freaked out and awed at how completely transformed Saif is as an Indian Iago. He doesn't even sound like himself! I'm all disoriented and off balance. And it's not made any easier by the stupendously shite subtitles. I mean, liek woah. It was almost Babelfish. Like they had translated the Hindi word for word without correcting any of the adjective or verb placements. It was terrible! I couldn't focus at all.
So I made my muttered apologies to His Lofty Leo-ness --- "I know, I know, I know you won an award for the role and everything and you're all proud of it and all but dude, I can't take much of that, I need good subtitles, it's supposed to be Shakespeare and they're totally bastardising your performance and don't squint at me, you pissy Leo actor, you'd do exactly the same!" --- and thought I'd just check to see if Ek Hasina Thi had equally shite subtitles. Didn't even bother watching it properly from the start, just clicked into it and selected a random point to turn on the subtitles and check.
Okay, turns out he's kinda naked in bed with the girl and the subtitles turn out to be pretty faithful as far as I can tell. And then I got curious. Exactly what sort of movie is this that he's in bed with the girl barely forty minutes into the film and the apartment she inhabits alone seems to be rather grungy and disconcertingly real and she looks kinda unpretentious and relatable? Hmmmmm ...
Oh. MY. GOD! Squee. Flail. Jump up and down. Waves arms in air. Squeals some more.
Female revenge fantasy. Indian style. Indian urban city style. As in Bombay, for the most part. As in I swear to god it began in totally In The Cut fashion. Girl alone in the big city, gorgeously pretty girl with a colossal chip on her shoulder, avoiding all male contact. Zero music, no drama, she goes to work, she comes home, she scrubs the blinds, she flips through television channels. I was completely hooked. Total Realism in a Hindi movie! *passes out in dead faint*
And god, she was gorgeous. The hugest green blue eyes in the most amazing doe tilt. I know, I know, I complain about Aishwarya Rai not looking Indian with her green eyes but I still stand by that. Urmila would kick Ash's ass! Spookily beautiful. So ingenue it bordered on creepy. And maaaaaaaaannn, she totally milked that for all it was worth. My Manisha Koirala class of preternaturally awesome Indian actresses --- class of one --- just acquired a second entry. Dude. Bloody brilliant casting, I'll tell you. Whoever thought of her, Urmila Matondkar, for this role oughta be given a whole lot of money and shaken heartily by the hand. It took me forever to figure out she reminded me of Sarah Michelle Gellar, that huge eyed vulnerability.
Everything from the menu image --- woah, hey, Amazon carries Hindi movies? Since when? --- to the very sinister almost Fallen opening credits to the argh, totally excellent lack of songs except for the perfectly timed perfectly illustrative one. Cos by then I was racking my brain as to the possible meaning of the title. And bam, darned beautiful beautiful chilling song with darned beautiful chilling lyrics to explain it as such.
Kinda knew the premise already. Innocent girl gets done wrong by guy. Was semiconsciously bracing myself for a female lead who would irritate the fuck out of me with her naivete and total inadequacy. Boy, was I wrong. I'm so glad I was wrong. They set her up very well with the coolness, the strength, the independence. She was exactly the kind of Indian girl I'd want to be were I still back there. Be on your guard against all the male fuckers cos they'll try anything to get at you. Work and come home and be independent. Oh yeah.
And then Saif comes in, all casual and sexy and fuck me, in jeans. Hand on my heart, I have never seen a man fill out a pair of jeans as well. It's not even like they're skin tight or he swaggers or anything. He just knows how to wear them well. I end up mesmerised by his nether regions, whether it's his crotch approaching the camera or his arse sauntering away, and there's me drooling slightly and desperately wanting to be a long piece of bifurcated denim. And then totally startled at myself cos I'm usually not a blue jeans sort of girl, just never occurs to me.
Until Saif.
My god I adore that man. He's so natural, radiates a completely seductive blend of ease and friendliness that when combined with the raffish stubble and oh yeah those lashes pretty much makes me want to climb the man. And, y'know, then he turned into Jeremy Northam from The Net and I was having momentary fantasies of them running off together and fucking like bunnies against any old available wall and *slaps face* that's not what the film is about at all.
Oof I love how he seduced her. It was almost Taking Lives in that bordering on non-con sense --- oof, him crowding her against the wall, all broad shoulders and vulnerable nuzzling, yummmmm ... --- but then he knew exactly when to switch to honeyed words and give her the choice and yaaaaaaaayyyyy of course she chose to fuck his lovely brains out. Wouldn't you?! Well, okay, I would.
But, see, this is the wonderful thing. I wanted her to kill him. Rather than hope for an impossibly happy ending, she totally sucked me into the injustice and rage of her story and I spent a goodly portion of the film quivering in anticipation of her pulling the trigger and splattering his head all over the screen. YEAH! Bastard man raping her trust, using her so callously, leaving her to rot in that jail. It was Saif and I wanted her to kill him. Liek woah omg no way, rly? Rly. *nods nods nods*
Cos, man, they detailed her emotional journey so beautifully. The way she reacted in shock to the jail, I didn't think she was even going to get to jail but woah, they totally threw her in jail and I kinda reeled that we were seeing this in a Hindi film. Women victimising other women, women being aggressive. And I had noticed the screenplay was by a woman so colour me doubly triply impressed. And she went into shock, she was afraid. Of the dark, of the other women, of the rats. And just when I would have begun to lose sympathy for her snivelling ways, he administered the final betrayal and man she cut her beautiful hair off and my heart soared for the awesome girl.
Totally fucking awesome journey. I completely believed her turnaround, how she mastered her fear of the rats --- man, that scene was beautifully done, so simple so short and perfectly set off by the way she glanced into the light at the end, oh my! *clutches breast* --- how she asserted herself against the bully with violence and blood and got the tiniest scar as proof, how she made alliances and made plans.
See, there was this bit in the menu footage of her pulling the trigger on him and blood splashing across the television screen. Naturally I assumed that was the final scene and was a bit miffed as such even though, yeah, I did come to look forward to it cos by god, he had earned it. *sees red* So I assumed she'd get out and do it quick bang.
Woaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh was it all kinds of awesome to see she was going to take her slow sweet time about it. And then I thought "ahhh, I see, she's going to destroy everything he has and do it all from the shadows so he'll never even know she's around and thus never suspect her." And she did that to a certain point. She stalked him, she watched him, she followed him, she killed, she stole, did I mention the stalking and the watching and ergo oodles and oodles of furtive Saif eye candy footage and him all sexy with his aviator shades and cigarette and lusciously open collared shirts? Oof. I say again, is there nothing as erotic as obsession? *fans self*
And then he got splattered wif blood! Okay, now I'm not normally a fan of blood splattered guys. Okay, Christian Bale doesn't count. Or, um, Billy Corgan. Or Trent Reznor. No, seriously, I don't consider blood to be a turn-on, don't object to it but don't particularly see the appeal. Unless it's the aforementioned guys. But holy fuck I wanted to lick it all off his face and then smear some more on and lick it off again and, well, so on and so forth. Or, y'know, just have him do what he did. Get beaten up, shirtless, get his face half mmmmm yummm and then run off, swiping it off with a towel, making a hasty getaway. Oh it was hellishly lovely. Talk about discovering a new way to love a man.
It's a bit disconcerting, really. He's so manly. And I'm kinda turned on by that. *takes own pulse and feels forehead* Weird.
So, oh, the plot got all brilliantly twisty and I fell even harder in love with our intrepid and totally warped heroine. I knew early on there would be a whole subtext of lies and truth but man, they took that to levels I didn't even expect. Levels with her. Omigod the game she played with him. And then he found her out and I was all *shriek, bites fingernails* "omg he's going to kill you, don't let him kill you, you're so much cooler than that, triumph over him, TRIUMPH!" And she PLAYED HIM EVEN THEN!!
Yep, that was me rendered helpless in fits of happiness.
It actually got quite ugly. Which I now realise was a very effective way of murdering any last romantic feeling I might have harboured of them running off together. Just when the awful thought occurred to me, he bottled her in the face and I nearly brained myself on the wall in horror. Saif, I don't like you when you're all woman-bashy. Not cool, Saif, don't be like that. But it was good cos when she played him after that, I was all "YEAH! Sucked in, you arsehole man, serves you freaking right!" My god, she played him beautifully.
And as if all that wasn't revenge enough, the end came as a jaw dropping moment of brilliance. She didn't kill him. I did wonder if they would let that happen, if they would let the female heroine's hands be sullied thus. But then she did kill a couple of other guys and totally got down and dirty with the blood and violence at times. So that was my suspicion disproved. Such an excellent script. She didn't kill him, she merely imprisoned him. In the dark. With the rats. I think I'm still in shock from that.
Oh. My. God. I can't believe I just saw all that in a Hindi movie. So awesome. So awesome.
And then she went back to jail because it's safe there. *sigh* It worked. On so many levels, it worked so well.
Man, I wish I looked like Urmila Matondkar. Omigod. Wtf. That date of birth is so not fair. *screams* See? Total SMG resemblance. Huh.
Yeah, I didn't even bother watching House. Popped a tape in, hit record --- ahahaahaha, see what I did there with the Aquarian to Aquarian to Aquarian, erm never mind --- and went right on with the movie. Man, am I glad I did.
Freaking excellent film. Don't you love it when movies you hadn't even given a second's consideration turn out to rock your world?
Just when I'm beginning to jade on the Hindi movies I've seen of late. Just when I least expect the boy --- er, man --- to get ANY hotter.
So I'm excited enough to be talking about this with much flailage and squeeage. Imagine arms waving in the air, enthusiastic Indian style, if you will.
So last Friday when the Aunt was taking me home, we stopped off in Liverpool to pick up some Indian Chinese food for the next day when we were having family over. And because she is awesomeawesomeawesome, she showed me the Hindi movie shop next door where she got Being Cyrus from and also where she browbeat the dude into selling her the three Shah Rukh movies on one DVD for less than its already bargain price. *facepalms* Honestly, the woman will never cease to embarrass me.
Yes, she took me into a Hindi movie store. God only knows what she was thinking. I was all *squee, point, squee, point, squee, flail, point and squee* "Ooh, Saif!! Ooh, Shah Rukh! Ooh, Kajol! Ooh SAIF!" But I was good and mindful of my totally poverty stricken pocket and did not go completely mental as would be expected.
I focused. All I wanted was Omkara and Hum Tum and was totally bracing myself to be told they didn't have them or, even worse, they had them but couldn't find them. You think I'm kidding. I'm not. It's a bloody Indian store. She totally got told that the last time she went in there. So I went up to the counter with heavy heart and sullen mouth and asked the girl mournfully if they had Hum Tum. And the girl says unequivocally "Yes! I just saw it, I just put several copies on the shelves, hold on, I'll show you!"
I nearly leapt on her and kissed her. As it was, there were some fraught moments cos she couldn't seem to actually find it on the shelves. In the process, I found Omkara and it was on a DVD with another Saif film, Ek Hasina Thi which I knew to be one more Saif-as-not-nice-guy role. Hadn't really given that one much thought, didn't recognise the girl in it, didn't really know the story and didn't care cos I was all focused on Saif-as-Iago and Saif-in-Paris. And she found Hum Tum on, ha, a DVD with Being Cyrus so I now have two copies of one Saif film but hey, I kinda like that film cos it's him being all arty and ambiguous so it's okay. We walk out of there with two DVDs, four films, for six dollars all up. The mind boggles, honestly.
Fast forward to tonight. Killing time before House, I decided to give Omkara a go. Pop it in, turn on the subtitles, get alternately freaked out and awed at how completely transformed Saif is as an Indian Iago. He doesn't even sound like himself! I'm all disoriented and off balance. And it's not made any easier by the stupendously shite subtitles. I mean, liek woah. It was almost Babelfish. Like they had translated the Hindi word for word without correcting any of the adjective or verb placements. It was terrible! I couldn't focus at all.
So I made my muttered apologies to His Lofty Leo-ness --- "I know, I know, I know you won an award for the role and everything and you're all proud of it and all but dude, I can't take much of that, I need good subtitles, it's supposed to be Shakespeare and they're totally bastardising your performance and don't squint at me, you pissy Leo actor, you'd do exactly the same!" --- and thought I'd just check to see if Ek Hasina Thi had equally shite subtitles. Didn't even bother watching it properly from the start, just clicked into it and selected a random point to turn on the subtitles and check.
Okay, turns out he's kinda naked in bed with the girl and the subtitles turn out to be pretty faithful as far as I can tell. And then I got curious. Exactly what sort of movie is this that he's in bed with the girl barely forty minutes into the film and the apartment she inhabits alone seems to be rather grungy and disconcertingly real and she looks kinda unpretentious and relatable? Hmmmmm ...
Oh. MY. GOD! Squee. Flail. Jump up and down. Waves arms in air. Squeals some more.
Female revenge fantasy. Indian style. Indian urban city style. As in Bombay, for the most part. As in I swear to god it began in totally In The Cut fashion. Girl alone in the big city, gorgeously pretty girl with a colossal chip on her shoulder, avoiding all male contact. Zero music, no drama, she goes to work, she comes home, she scrubs the blinds, she flips through television channels. I was completely hooked. Total Realism in a Hindi movie! *passes out in dead faint*
And god, she was gorgeous. The hugest green blue eyes in the most amazing doe tilt. I know, I know, I complain about Aishwarya Rai not looking Indian with her green eyes but I still stand by that. Urmila would kick Ash's ass! Spookily beautiful. So ingenue it bordered on creepy. And maaaaaaaaannn, she totally milked that for all it was worth. My Manisha Koirala class of preternaturally awesome Indian actresses --- class of one --- just acquired a second entry. Dude. Bloody brilliant casting, I'll tell you. Whoever thought of her, Urmila Matondkar, for this role oughta be given a whole lot of money and shaken heartily by the hand. It took me forever to figure out she reminded me of Sarah Michelle Gellar, that huge eyed vulnerability.
Everything from the menu image --- woah, hey, Amazon carries Hindi movies? Since when? --- to the very sinister almost Fallen opening credits to the argh, totally excellent lack of songs except for the perfectly timed perfectly illustrative one. Cos by then I was racking my brain as to the possible meaning of the title. And bam, darned beautiful beautiful chilling song with darned beautiful chilling lyrics to explain it as such.
Kinda knew the premise already. Innocent girl gets done wrong by guy. Was semiconsciously bracing myself for a female lead who would irritate the fuck out of me with her naivete and total inadequacy. Boy, was I wrong. I'm so glad I was wrong. They set her up very well with the coolness, the strength, the independence. She was exactly the kind of Indian girl I'd want to be were I still back there. Be on your guard against all the male fuckers cos they'll try anything to get at you. Work and come home and be independent. Oh yeah.
And then Saif comes in, all casual and sexy and fuck me, in jeans. Hand on my heart, I have never seen a man fill out a pair of jeans as well. It's not even like they're skin tight or he swaggers or anything. He just knows how to wear them well. I end up mesmerised by his nether regions, whether it's his crotch approaching the camera or his arse sauntering away, and there's me drooling slightly and desperately wanting to be a long piece of bifurcated denim. And then totally startled at myself cos I'm usually not a blue jeans sort of girl, just never occurs to me.
Until Saif.
My god I adore that man. He's so natural, radiates a completely seductive blend of ease and friendliness that when combined with the raffish stubble and oh yeah those lashes pretty much makes me want to climb the man. And, y'know, then he turned into Jeremy Northam from The Net and I was having momentary fantasies of them running off together and fucking like bunnies against any old available wall and *slaps face* that's not what the film is about at all.
Oof I love how he seduced her. It was almost Taking Lives in that bordering on non-con sense --- oof, him crowding her against the wall, all broad shoulders and vulnerable nuzzling, yummmmm ... --- but then he knew exactly when to switch to honeyed words and give her the choice and yaaaaaaaayyyyy of course she chose to fuck his lovely brains out. Wouldn't you?! Well, okay, I would.
But, see, this is the wonderful thing. I wanted her to kill him. Rather than hope for an impossibly happy ending, she totally sucked me into the injustice and rage of her story and I spent a goodly portion of the film quivering in anticipation of her pulling the trigger and splattering his head all over the screen. YEAH! Bastard man raping her trust, using her so callously, leaving her to rot in that jail. It was Saif and I wanted her to kill him. Liek woah omg no way, rly? Rly. *nods nods nods*
Cos, man, they detailed her emotional journey so beautifully. The way she reacted in shock to the jail, I didn't think she was even going to get to jail but woah, they totally threw her in jail and I kinda reeled that we were seeing this in a Hindi film. Women victimising other women, women being aggressive. And I had noticed the screenplay was by a woman so colour me doubly triply impressed. And she went into shock, she was afraid. Of the dark, of the other women, of the rats. And just when I would have begun to lose sympathy for her snivelling ways, he administered the final betrayal and man she cut her beautiful hair off and my heart soared for the awesome girl.
Totally fucking awesome journey. I completely believed her turnaround, how she mastered her fear of the rats --- man, that scene was beautifully done, so simple so short and perfectly set off by the way she glanced into the light at the end, oh my! *clutches breast* --- how she asserted herself against the bully with violence and blood and got the tiniest scar as proof, how she made alliances and made plans.
See, there was this bit in the menu footage of her pulling the trigger on him and blood splashing across the television screen. Naturally I assumed that was the final scene and was a bit miffed as such even though, yeah, I did come to look forward to it cos by god, he had earned it. *sees red* So I assumed she'd get out and do it quick bang.
Woaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh was it all kinds of awesome to see she was going to take her slow sweet time about it. And then I thought "ahhh, I see, she's going to destroy everything he has and do it all from the shadows so he'll never even know she's around and thus never suspect her." And she did that to a certain point. She stalked him, she watched him, she followed him, she killed, she stole, did I mention the stalking and the watching and ergo oodles and oodles of furtive Saif eye candy footage and him all sexy with his aviator shades and cigarette and lusciously open collared shirts? Oof. I say again, is there nothing as erotic as obsession? *fans self*
And then he got splattered wif blood! Okay, now I'm not normally a fan of blood splattered guys. Okay, Christian Bale doesn't count. Or, um, Billy Corgan. Or Trent Reznor. No, seriously, I don't consider blood to be a turn-on, don't object to it but don't particularly see the appeal. Unless it's the aforementioned guys. But holy fuck I wanted to lick it all off his face and then smear some more on and lick it off again and, well, so on and so forth. Or, y'know, just have him do what he did. Get beaten up, shirtless, get his face half mmmmm yummm and then run off, swiping it off with a towel, making a hasty getaway. Oh it was hellishly lovely. Talk about discovering a new way to love a man.
It's a bit disconcerting, really. He's so manly. And I'm kinda turned on by that. *takes own pulse and feels forehead* Weird.
So, oh, the plot got all brilliantly twisty and I fell even harder in love with our intrepid and totally warped heroine. I knew early on there would be a whole subtext of lies and truth but man, they took that to levels I didn't even expect. Levels with her. Omigod the game she played with him. And then he found her out and I was all *shriek, bites fingernails* "omg he's going to kill you, don't let him kill you, you're so much cooler than that, triumph over him, TRIUMPH!" And she PLAYED HIM EVEN THEN!!
Yep, that was me rendered helpless in fits of happiness.
It actually got quite ugly. Which I now realise was a very effective way of murdering any last romantic feeling I might have harboured of them running off together. Just when the awful thought occurred to me, he bottled her in the face and I nearly brained myself on the wall in horror. Saif, I don't like you when you're all woman-bashy. Not cool, Saif, don't be like that. But it was good cos when she played him after that, I was all "YEAH! Sucked in, you arsehole man, serves you freaking right!" My god, she played him beautifully.
And as if all that wasn't revenge enough, the end came as a jaw dropping moment of brilliance. She didn't kill him. I did wonder if they would let that happen, if they would let the female heroine's hands be sullied thus. But then she did kill a couple of other guys and totally got down and dirty with the blood and violence at times. So that was my suspicion disproved. Such an excellent script. She didn't kill him, she merely imprisoned him. In the dark. With the rats. I think I'm still in shock from that.
Oh. My. God. I can't believe I just saw all that in a Hindi movie. So awesome. So awesome.
And then she went back to jail because it's safe there. *sigh* It worked. On so many levels, it worked so well.
Man, I wish I looked like Urmila Matondkar. Omigod. Wtf. That date of birth is so not fair. *screams* See? Total SMG resemblance. Huh.
Yeah, I didn't even bother watching House. Popped a tape in, hit record --- ahahaahaha, see what I did there with the Aquarian to Aquarian to Aquarian, erm never mind --- and went right on with the movie. Man, am I glad I did.
Freaking excellent film. Don't you love it when movies you hadn't even given a second's consideration turn out to rock your world?