office au dump
Title: That Office Au Where Everything Is A Mess And No One Ever Works
Rating: pg13
Pairings (in no particular order): Baekhyun/Chanyeol, unrequited!Baekhyun/Jaejung, Junmyeon/Jongdae/Yifan, hints of Sehun/Jongin and Minseok/Lu Han
Wordcount: 3.8k
Warning: unfinished, unbetaed, pure undiluted crack
Disclaimer: EXO members and/or former members do not belong to me
Notes: i started writing this stuff almost two years ago because i was working in an office and my life was really boring, and also this video had just come out. (I'm sorry I couldn't find an engsub version, but it's just basically Park Jae Jung shamelessly ogling on Baekhyun and telling him he's his fan and touching him and ignoring everyone else. And so this fic started.) I'll never finish it, so I'm publishing it like this.
Summary: This office is a mess.
after
To say that Chanyeol’s blood was boiling was an understatement. It was closer to the nuclear fusion point than to the boiling point, the vein on his forehead pulsing like the warning sign of the imminent catastrophe.
The source of all of his troubles was obliviously laughing and joking and having fifty shades of inappropriate PDA show-off just three desks behind. Which wouldn’t have been a problem at all if it the object of such a blatant adoration wasn’t Chanyeol’s boyfriend.
The shameless boyfriend stealer even dared to act all shy and embarrassed like a ‘just came out of a shoujo manga’ thirteen years old virgin maiden whenever he got the chance to hold Baekhyunnie’s hand. Again.
More like trapping it in his greedy paws, thought Chanyeol viciously, as Baekhyun beamed in response to the thousandth praise to his voice, his hands, his choice of clothes, his personality, his…
Hey, wait a moment! Chanyeol really hoped he got that one wrong.
“No,” said matter-of-factly Kyungsoo raising his eyes from a very pink cover. “You heard it very well. He truly praised his ass.”
Chanyeol spluttered, resembling very much a chicken who just got her neck wrung.
“By the way, if you intend to explode all over someone’s lunch like a badly timed time bomb, I have to kindly ask you to go over there and please do it on your archenemy’s. Not on my innocent and perfect bento box. Thank you.”
Then he hushed a still too shocked to react properly Chanyeol away from his seat and towards Jongdae’s, so that he could have an even better view of the cheesy high school crush cliché teen ager sakura falling love story happening in front of the coffee machine, and an even crueler review if Jongdae felt inspired enough.
It was breathtaking, really. Young love and all of that jizz. Sakura flowers falling leisurely outside the big window chosen by the lovebirds as the perfect location for their flirting.
“I’m almost moved,” thought Kyungsoo, putting his manga (which was so not a high school yaoi manga, thank you very much) in the bag to start unpacking his lunch.
Except for the fact they weren’t in high school anymore, he mused, slurping around a generous mouthful of spaghetti, and Baekhyun should stop seducing talented and hopeful interns before his psychotic boyfriend decides it’s time to kill them all in a jealousy induced rage fit.
“I hope not, I’d really hate to die in such an uninteresting place” replied Sehun from behind his computer display, where he was obviously playing Candy Crush instead of reviewing the import files like manager Kim told him to. “And stop talking to yourself while you eat hyung, ‘cause it’s beyond creepy.”
“Don’t worry Sehun-ah, I said talented and hopeful. For the talent part, you’re the safest person in all of the country. As for the hope part, you better start to hope that Junmyeon will have a little pity to spare, because I’m going to tell him that you do nothing but lazy around all day and force Yixing from the Foreign Department to do all of your work.”
Damn right you little fucker, remember: Kyungsoo always win.
“Now go play in the sand box or whatever you kids do during lunch time, and stop bothering me.”
Sehun hurried away cursing evil hyungs. Kyungsoo went back to appreciate the joy of a good yaoi and a fantastic lunch.
When Kim Junmyeon had decided to accept Wu Fan's request to transfer both of this year's intern into his office he had absolutely no idea of the depth of the grave he had just dig for himself.
He should have known. Years of being somewhat friends (more like him being the only obstacle between Yifan and the patience of every other human being), with the older had taught Junmyeon that Wu Yifan did no good actions. Ever.
“Sure,” he had said, “in a fit of generosity I'll let you have both of the new guys this year. God knows if your office needs it.”
Forgetting for a moment the totally uncalled for backstab, and Wu Fan should have just shut up since his department was even worse than Junmyeon's, it had been pretty suspicious since the beginning. Yifan did not have generosity fits. He could have rage fits or allergic fits at most, and hysteric fits like when Jongdae put salt and pepper in his caramel macchiato before an important reunion with his brother, Kim Heechul from the Executive Committee. That had been one of the best day of Junmyeon's life.
Oh. OH. Now he got it! This was probably his revenge on Junmyeon for forcing the transfer of Kim and Kim into the accounting department, frying forever in an only shot Lu Han's last cell brains and Yifan' last ounce of patience. Now that had been the best day of his life.
Kim Jongdae was, figuratively speaking, a finger in the ass. Junmyeon knew it was just a figure of speech because, with closed doors, during the real thing, Jongdae was one of the best fucks in the world. If you managed to get him into the bedroom alive, that's it, since the guy’s best ability, only second to mock others, was making people around him to want nothing more than to kill him. Possibly slowly and in the most excruciatingly painful way.
Just thinking about the titanic effort one should go through in order to get his hands into Kim Jongdae’s pants without ending up putting them around his neck was enough to get Junmyeon a powerful migraine.
He knew from his own hand (and cock) that the pot at the end of the rainbow was pure gold, but the memories of that night were so blurred that he considered himself lucky he didn’t die of low quality alcohol poisoning and company party boredom. The worst thing about company internal parties, which meant the ones without clients, or shareholders, or even better competitors as guests, hence the ones without expensive catering and other fancy stuff, was that alcohol sucked. And the more it sucked the more you were compelled to drink, in order to forget that it sucked, until you woke up the morning after only to find yourself naked all over Kim ‘The Devil’ Heechul’s baby brother with his legs still tangled around your waist.
They eventually decided to forget everything about it, not that they remembered much to begin with, and they were both very glad when Jongdae’s transfer finally took place, three weeks after, much to Yifan’s utter dismay and future doom.
Poor Kim Minseok was innocent in all of this. He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes Junmyeon looked, through the glass panel that separated the two offices, at his pitiful attempts to do his own job with a mouthful of Beijing fine specimen (un)comfortably set in his lap. No one knew why Lu Han took a liking that deep to the new add to their team, but it was heartbreaking to see Minseok trying to lessen the number of files which were threatening to knock down his desk, only to be ambushed by his supposed coworker who dragged him away from the office and into aquarium dates resulting in neither of them not doing anything for days. Good thing they still had Zhang Yixing, who had by now set a little tent in an unused storage room in order to sleep over when he had too much overtime to do, since he always ended up doing everyone else’s work.
Ok, maybe Junmyeon put Yifan and his department in a slightly troublesome situation with Jongdae’s and Minseok’s transfer, but Yifan’s revenge was even worse in his own opinion. He unleashed the new interns on Junmyeon’s office. A catastrophe.
Sehun was the eight plague. Everyone hated him and his skinny self. He was rude, insensitive and bratty. And almost the entire building ogled at his naked arms and toned ass whenever he strolled out of the elevator like he owned the place.
Park Jae Jung was the most cute and adorable kid in the entire world. How someone could have paired him with Oh Sehun for this internship was a mystery. Too-good-to-be-possible grades, choir boy, winner in a lot of singing competition, kind, polite, respected the eldest, smart, add whatever good quality you can think of and you have Park Jae Jung. Add also a mature face, very adult-like, if everything else wasn’t enough.
The problem, the big fucking neon flashing problem, was only one. Park Jae Jung had the most gigantic and painfully obvious teen crush in the story of gigantic and painfully obvious teen crushes on Byun Baekhyun.
Byun Baekhyun, the CEO’s little stepbrother. This adorable bouncy thing that everyone couldn’t help but to fall in love with. Even Kim Heechul loved him more than he loved his own brother, and Kim Heechul usually hated everyone on principle - must have been a family thing.
Byun Baekhyun. The little special snowflake whom Jung Yunho loved more than anyone else, Park Chanyeol loved more than his own life and Park Jae Jung seemed to love even more than the air he breathed.
Byun Baekhyun.
And now half of the company hated poor Park Jae Jung, who, aside from his crush on Baekhyun, was basically a heaven sent angel. And what was Baekhyun doing to prevent half of the company to jump the new kid and grind him down with a baseball bat? Absolutely nothing, thought Junmyeon hysterically.
On the contrary he seemed to want him dead too, since he kept gushing around with him, laughing with him like they were both like demented drunks and reddening like ripe tomatoes every time their eyes met on the window’s glass, seemingly unaware of the menacing growls that surrounded their pink cloud of romance.
And who the fuck told Yifan that Park Jae Jung used to have a crush on Baekhyun on his freshman year, while Baekhyun was a senior just about to graduate? He certainly didn’t know by himself, since he and Junmyeon both went to a far more expensive and famous high school than the one Baekhyun and Jae Jung went into. There was no one in their office that knew both of them from before, no one who could have foreseen it, and yet Yifan’s knowing smirk every time their eyes met through the glass panel of doom spoke of another story.
“Ah, I’m tired of it!” exploded Junmyeon at the umpteenth hand locking of those two. “Jongin, fill in for me, I have a mission to accomplish! I’m gonna find the culprit of this crime against our innocent work life! To the management room!”
He bolted away.
Kim Jongin raised his head from the stash of paper sheets where it had sunk on the exact moment the bell announcing the start of lunch break had rang.
“What the fuck.” he said, looking at the clock hanging on the wall which clearly stated that he had at least another twenty minutes of possible sleep until having to go back to work again.
He rested his cheek on the filed documents again, they were so comfy, trying to regain his beautiful dream featuring him, a top hat, a black sleek limo and a lot of slow-mo, but a high pitched giggling sound prevented him to.
Oh shit, the lovebirds were at it again. He didn’t have to strain his ears to hear Chanyeol’s powerful curse, but the couple seemed oblivious to it. Tao was crying because the vending machine ate his twenty cents. Minseok was squealing as Lu Han proceeded to squeeze the hell out of him with some dumb excuse like being the blanket to Minseokkie’s cold. Yixing was on a full work overload fever, talking with potted plants and asking them if they were feeling all right because they looked so green. Junmyeon and Yifan were probably trying to strangle each other in the management room, he could hear them spitting accuses that went from middle school to office life, with a special thanks to the ‘one night stand stealing’ college section.
Jongin sighed, his sleep lost forever, and with still sluggish hands, he cleaned the heavy bottle-like glasses and put them on his nose.
“This people are crazy. I should have done ballet.” He stated, “And then become a kpop idol.”
“Yeah, sure,” came the mocking reply, “like you’d be able to pull that on.”
Sehun looked at Jongin’s ruffled hair, his puffy eyes behind crooked glasses and the baggy clothes he wore in disarray, but his eyes stopped on the low cut of the collar of his neck, taking in the smooth expanse of dark uncovered skin. He whistled as he was passing by to get to the door.
“Next time show me a little of your dancing machine, Jongin-ah.”
“I still hear your voice Oh Sehun!”,
With a curse, the boy ran away from Kyungsoo’s wrath, not before winking at Jongin smugly.
Jongin stared at the door, a little confused.
Did, did Sehun just talked to him? Oh Sehun, popular kid extraordinaire, talking to unpopular unsexy uneverything Kim Jongin?
“What the fuck. These people really are crazy.”
Better going back to sleep.
before
“Yifan, you are a genius. I don't know why you're wasting your time in this pitiful place when you could be out there being, I don't know, the next Picasso, this decade's fashion icon, the last airbender.”
Dramatic pause.
“I bet I'd make an awesome superhero, like superman. I could fly. Don't you think so, Kris?”
The cat didn't even raise his tail from the carpet. They weren't technically allowed to bring pets to work but they made an exception for him, since Yifan was dramatic enough to take a three weeks leave just because his cat was lonely. So the higher ups closed an eye or two and pretended Kris the fat cat didn't live on the storage closet that also served as Yixing's bedroom for when he slept over on Monday evenings.
Yifan also pretended not to notice how his cat didn't care about his master and stubbornly refused to go home with him anymore, preferring to stay in the office where everyone spoiled him rotten.
Yifan was an evil genius, and evil geniuses always need a fluffy and evil cat to pet while they're thinking about the evil deeds they committed in the past. Sure, Kris-The-Cat repented every kind of physical contact with his master that didn't include food in it, despite being overly affectionate towards every other idiot in the office. And he took delight in jumping on Yifan's neck to leave angry marks of hate that he tried to pass for the signs of passion from his last girlfriend, though everyone knew the sad truth.
Whatever. The important point, evil cat or not, was that Yifan had finally managed to obtain his revenge on that tiny vicious midget Kim Junmyeon for unleashing those two Kim calamities on his once upon a time peaceful half of the office.
After persecuting Yifan for like fifteen years, and even after their embarrassing college graduation party that Yifan didn't want to think of, ever again, he also had to choose the same workplace as him, to have even better chances to ruin his poor life.
Wu Fan couldn't even believe his luck when Lu Han, Lu Han of all people, separated himself from Minseok of his own will to come into management office and proudly announce he had news. On the new interns. How Lu Han obtained such info was a mystery, since he arrived from China only two years ago without having any prior friends in Seoul, and he surely didn’t know anyone who went to the same school as Baekhyun and Jae Jung. Maybe.
Well, Yifan could his probably overlook his debatable ways of getting information, all for the sake of sweet payback.
“I have my sources,” he smirked.
“But this precious info that will finally get you to fuck Junmyeon in the ass…”
Yifan let out an outraged screech, “How dare you insinuate that… Me… And Kim Junmyeon of all people… I wouldn’t touch him with a stick, let alone with my-”
“It's a figure of speech you dumbass, what are your fucking twenty thousand language degrees for? You're an uncultured monkey.”
“Han, I'm this close to make you fly outside the window and free poor Minseok from your negative presence forever. Get. To. The. Point.”
Lu Han just laughed in his face.
“Please Yifan, I'd taekwondo you onto the floor in a minute.” He let out a dramatic pause to suspense, his eyes shining like the ones of a kid dying to spill a secret. “Minseok has been teaching me.”
More likely he tried to murder you and failed miserably, only managing to teach you more way to molest him twenty-four seven, thought Yifan.
“But let's get back on track, I have info,” said Lu Han shutting everything Yifan could have come up with in response with a finger on his mouth, “but dark evil powers always comes with a price.”
“Say it, Han, I'm ready to do anything to get back on him.”
“More like get on him, or in him. On his back.” said Lu Han with a smirk.
“What?”
“Nothing.” Lu Han scrolled his shoulders, his best fake innocent expression on. “Who said anything.”
“The price, Lu Han.”
“What price?”
More incoherent gasping and choking noises, Yifan’s face became a little cyanotic.
“Alright alright.” Lu Han smiled. “I want Minseok.”
Yifan looked at him with a blank face.
“And?”
“I want Minseok.”
There was definitely something Yifan wasn’t getting.
“Ok, I mean, where's the novelty? The entire office, scrap that, the entire prefecture knows it by now.”
“No, you don't understand. The office. The new directive about working in pairs to increase teamwork, therefore productivity and therefore profit. I want to be with him.” Lu Han giggled. “We'll be a couple, the perfect match made in heaven, the...”
Lu Han voice faded out as Yifan’s mind started to play backwards all of the previous year, the way Lu Han actively managed to prevent Minseok from doing his job despite being like twelve desks away from him. Then he thought of them, working at the same desk, Lu Han taking Minseok's first time on that desk.
“No.”
Jongdae was bored, utterly and deadly bored. Being the genius he was he managed to think all of his work in time, sparing poor Yixing the burdens of yet another task. He could have helped those other incompetents in his office. Yes, he could have.
It’s not my fault if they are so incompetent and stupid and not obviously as good as everything they do as me.
He strolled around for a while, and then he went to see his best buddies from the previous office, Chanyeol and Baekhyun. He ended up running away in dread and revulsion when he saw them in a compromising position in one of the bathroom stalls of the women’s toilet.
Well, he saw Chanyeol’s pale ass and shoulders, and Baekhyun’s ankles locked around it.
Ok maybe he didn’t ran away. Maybe he watched, a little, mindful of ol’ good little times, you know, before Chanyeol and Baekhyun decided to become an item, an exclusive item, and their poor best friend Jongdae was denied the access to their bedchamber for most of the year.
They still made an exception for his birthday, though. And for when he did something utterly stupid and embarrassing like getting drunk and hooking up with one of the most boring men in the world, which he also happened to have a crush on, making things extremely awkward and forcing said man to transfer him to a totally hideous office in a very far far away place on the other side of the panel glass to avoid aforesaid awkwardness. And then his only friend from the previous department had been swallowed whole from that Chinese guy with a lot of hands who always seemed to be in some appropriate parts of Minseok’s body. And then his new manager had a stick up his ass so deep Jongdae was sure he could see the other end in his mouth when Yifan talked.
If Jongdae thought that Junmyeon was boring then Wu Yifan was tenfold worse. He had yet to meet a more self-centered, pompous and vain person. He and Kim Junmyeon probably were twins in a previous circle of life because they shared the same utter belief they were the some kind of sexy demigods with everything a young male bachelor would ever require in a partner, be it money, looks or dashing personality. Their personal opinion of themselves were so high, and they were always so busy fighting over who was the best between them, that they didn’t even realize how the rest of the world thought they were ridiculous. And boring.
Too bad Jongdae always liked boring things. Junmyeon’s fling, that damn escapade Jongdae couldn’t even remember, had to be burned with the fire of a new love. And Yifan’s ass had to be relieved from that stick before it was too late.
Jongdae loosened its tie and approached Yifan’s office.
Yifan was innocent, totally innocent.
He was just being there, doing his work, trying to think of a way to make Lu Ha desert this stupid idea of pair work with Kim without giving up his precious news.
Then Kim Jongdae had to come in, wearing too tight pants that made his ass look round and firm. It was obviously the trousers’ merit, you took them off and he is nothing.
Took them off, pants, no no no no brain do not go there please.
“Hi gorgeous.”
Yifan didn’t know what to say, how to respond. His mind had fucking betrayed him, he was totally thinking about pantsless Jongdae, especially since Jongdae didn’t even wait for his response before settling into his lap, rubbing himself all over Yifan’s limbs like a cat in heat.
“Hi.” He managed to spit out in a brief moment of awareness.
“A little clouded, are we?” Jongdae traced Yifan’s mouth still stretched in a stupefied ‘oh’, and smiled sweetly before pushing his thumb inside. “You look like a fish.”
Yifan did look like a fish, frozen in place but all over, his mouth open around Jongdae’s finger and his hips pushing up to close the distance between their bodies.
There was something, nagging at his conscience from a very distant place, something that required his attention but he couldn’t quite remember, something like…
“Wu, I brought you the dossier.”
Wu Fan heard Kim Heechul’s voice before the door opened and his direct superior walked in on him almost having sex. With his little brother.
Ten minutes later Lu Han received a phone call.
Wu Fan’s voice on the other side was beyond furious.
“You win. You can have him. You can even marry him for what I care, now tell me how to ruin Kim Junmyeon’s life.”
a/n: like everything i've written in the past (aka everything) this fic immensely sucks :) do not take it seriously, it's only meaningless crack and me trying to write baekyeol having angry, jealous sex but failing epically :))))))) also i ship yixing with kris-the-cat.
Rating: pg13
Pairings (in no particular order): Baekhyun/Chanyeol, unrequited!Baekhyun/Jaejung, Junmyeon/Jongdae/Yifan, hints of Sehun/Jongin and Minseok/Lu Han
Wordcount: 3.8k
Warning: unfinished, unbetaed, pure undiluted crack
Disclaimer: EXO members and/or former members do not belong to me
Notes: i started writing this stuff almost two years ago because i was working in an office and my life was really boring, and also this video had just come out. (I'm sorry I couldn't find an engsub version, but it's just basically Park Jae Jung shamelessly ogling on Baekhyun and telling him he's his fan and touching him and ignoring everyone else. And so this fic started.) I'll never finish it, so I'm publishing it like this.
Summary: This office is a mess.
after
To say that Chanyeol’s blood was boiling was an understatement. It was closer to the nuclear fusion point than to the boiling point, the vein on his forehead pulsing like the warning sign of the imminent catastrophe.
The source of all of his troubles was obliviously laughing and joking and having fifty shades of inappropriate PDA show-off just three desks behind. Which wouldn’t have been a problem at all if it the object of such a blatant adoration wasn’t Chanyeol’s boyfriend.
The shameless boyfriend stealer even dared to act all shy and embarrassed like a ‘just came out of a shoujo manga’ thirteen years old virgin maiden whenever he got the chance to hold Baekhyunnie’s hand. Again.
More like trapping it in his greedy paws, thought Chanyeol viciously, as Baekhyun beamed in response to the thousandth praise to his voice, his hands, his choice of clothes, his personality, his…
Hey, wait a moment! Chanyeol really hoped he got that one wrong.
“No,” said matter-of-factly Kyungsoo raising his eyes from a very pink cover. “You heard it very well. He truly praised his ass.”
Chanyeol spluttered, resembling very much a chicken who just got her neck wrung.
“By the way, if you intend to explode all over someone’s lunch like a badly timed time bomb, I have to kindly ask you to go over there and please do it on your archenemy’s. Not on my innocent and perfect bento box. Thank you.”
Then he hushed a still too shocked to react properly Chanyeol away from his seat and towards Jongdae’s, so that he could have an even better view of the cheesy high school crush cliché teen ager sakura falling love story happening in front of the coffee machine, and an even crueler review if Jongdae felt inspired enough.
It was breathtaking, really. Young love and all of that jizz. Sakura flowers falling leisurely outside the big window chosen by the lovebirds as the perfect location for their flirting.
“I’m almost moved,” thought Kyungsoo, putting his manga (which was so not a high school yaoi manga, thank you very much) in the bag to start unpacking his lunch.
Except for the fact they weren’t in high school anymore, he mused, slurping around a generous mouthful of spaghetti, and Baekhyun should stop seducing talented and hopeful interns before his psychotic boyfriend decides it’s time to kill them all in a jealousy induced rage fit.
“I hope not, I’d really hate to die in such an uninteresting place” replied Sehun from behind his computer display, where he was obviously playing Candy Crush instead of reviewing the import files like manager Kim told him to. “And stop talking to yourself while you eat hyung, ‘cause it’s beyond creepy.”
“Don’t worry Sehun-ah, I said talented and hopeful. For the talent part, you’re the safest person in all of the country. As for the hope part, you better start to hope that Junmyeon will have a little pity to spare, because I’m going to tell him that you do nothing but lazy around all day and force Yixing from the Foreign Department to do all of your work.”
Damn right you little fucker, remember: Kyungsoo always win.
“Now go play in the sand box or whatever you kids do during lunch time, and stop bothering me.”
Sehun hurried away cursing evil hyungs. Kyungsoo went back to appreciate the joy of a good yaoi and a fantastic lunch.
When Kim Junmyeon had decided to accept Wu Fan's request to transfer both of this year's intern into his office he had absolutely no idea of the depth of the grave he had just dig for himself.
He should have known. Years of being somewhat friends (more like him being the only obstacle between Yifan and the patience of every other human being), with the older had taught Junmyeon that Wu Yifan did no good actions. Ever.
“Sure,” he had said, “in a fit of generosity I'll let you have both of the new guys this year. God knows if your office needs it.”
Forgetting for a moment the totally uncalled for backstab, and Wu Fan should have just shut up since his department was even worse than Junmyeon's, it had been pretty suspicious since the beginning. Yifan did not have generosity fits. He could have rage fits or allergic fits at most, and hysteric fits like when Jongdae put salt and pepper in his caramel macchiato before an important reunion with his brother, Kim Heechul from the Executive Committee. That had been one of the best day of Junmyeon's life.
Oh. OH. Now he got it! This was probably his revenge on Junmyeon for forcing the transfer of Kim and Kim into the accounting department, frying forever in an only shot Lu Han's last cell brains and Yifan' last ounce of patience. Now that had been the best day of his life.
Kim Jongdae was, figuratively speaking, a finger in the ass. Junmyeon knew it was just a figure of speech because, with closed doors, during the real thing, Jongdae was one of the best fucks in the world. If you managed to get him into the bedroom alive, that's it, since the guy’s best ability, only second to mock others, was making people around him to want nothing more than to kill him. Possibly slowly and in the most excruciatingly painful way.
Just thinking about the titanic effort one should go through in order to get his hands into Kim Jongdae’s pants without ending up putting them around his neck was enough to get Junmyeon a powerful migraine.
He knew from his own hand (and cock) that the pot at the end of the rainbow was pure gold, but the memories of that night were so blurred that he considered himself lucky he didn’t die of low quality alcohol poisoning and company party boredom. The worst thing about company internal parties, which meant the ones without clients, or shareholders, or even better competitors as guests, hence the ones without expensive catering and other fancy stuff, was that alcohol sucked. And the more it sucked the more you were compelled to drink, in order to forget that it sucked, until you woke up the morning after only to find yourself naked all over Kim ‘The Devil’ Heechul’s baby brother with his legs still tangled around your waist.
They eventually decided to forget everything about it, not that they remembered much to begin with, and they were both very glad when Jongdae’s transfer finally took place, three weeks after, much to Yifan’s utter dismay and future doom.
Poor Kim Minseok was innocent in all of this. He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes Junmyeon looked, through the glass panel that separated the two offices, at his pitiful attempts to do his own job with a mouthful of Beijing fine specimen (un)comfortably set in his lap. No one knew why Lu Han took a liking that deep to the new add to their team, but it was heartbreaking to see Minseok trying to lessen the number of files which were threatening to knock down his desk, only to be ambushed by his supposed coworker who dragged him away from the office and into aquarium dates resulting in neither of them not doing anything for days. Good thing they still had Zhang Yixing, who had by now set a little tent in an unused storage room in order to sleep over when he had too much overtime to do, since he always ended up doing everyone else’s work.
Ok, maybe Junmyeon put Yifan and his department in a slightly troublesome situation with Jongdae’s and Minseok’s transfer, but Yifan’s revenge was even worse in his own opinion. He unleashed the new interns on Junmyeon’s office. A catastrophe.
Sehun was the eight plague. Everyone hated him and his skinny self. He was rude, insensitive and bratty. And almost the entire building ogled at his naked arms and toned ass whenever he strolled out of the elevator like he owned the place.
Park Jae Jung was the most cute and adorable kid in the entire world. How someone could have paired him with Oh Sehun for this internship was a mystery. Too-good-to-be-possible grades, choir boy, winner in a lot of singing competition, kind, polite, respected the eldest, smart, add whatever good quality you can think of and you have Park Jae Jung. Add also a mature face, very adult-like, if everything else wasn’t enough.
The problem, the big fucking neon flashing problem, was only one. Park Jae Jung had the most gigantic and painfully obvious teen crush in the story of gigantic and painfully obvious teen crushes on Byun Baekhyun.
Byun Baekhyun, the CEO’s little stepbrother. This adorable bouncy thing that everyone couldn’t help but to fall in love with. Even Kim Heechul loved him more than he loved his own brother, and Kim Heechul usually hated everyone on principle - must have been a family thing.
Byun Baekhyun. The little special snowflake whom Jung Yunho loved more than anyone else, Park Chanyeol loved more than his own life and Park Jae Jung seemed to love even more than the air he breathed.
Byun Baekhyun.
And now half of the company hated poor Park Jae Jung, who, aside from his crush on Baekhyun, was basically a heaven sent angel. And what was Baekhyun doing to prevent half of the company to jump the new kid and grind him down with a baseball bat? Absolutely nothing, thought Junmyeon hysterically.
On the contrary he seemed to want him dead too, since he kept gushing around with him, laughing with him like they were both like demented drunks and reddening like ripe tomatoes every time their eyes met on the window’s glass, seemingly unaware of the menacing growls that surrounded their pink cloud of romance.
And who the fuck told Yifan that Park Jae Jung used to have a crush on Baekhyun on his freshman year, while Baekhyun was a senior just about to graduate? He certainly didn’t know by himself, since he and Junmyeon both went to a far more expensive and famous high school than the one Baekhyun and Jae Jung went into. There was no one in their office that knew both of them from before, no one who could have foreseen it, and yet Yifan’s knowing smirk every time their eyes met through the glass panel of doom spoke of another story.
“Ah, I’m tired of it!” exploded Junmyeon at the umpteenth hand locking of those two. “Jongin, fill in for me, I have a mission to accomplish! I’m gonna find the culprit of this crime against our innocent work life! To the management room!”
He bolted away.
Kim Jongin raised his head from the stash of paper sheets where it had sunk on the exact moment the bell announcing the start of lunch break had rang.
“What the fuck.” he said, looking at the clock hanging on the wall which clearly stated that he had at least another twenty minutes of possible sleep until having to go back to work again.
He rested his cheek on the filed documents again, they were so comfy, trying to regain his beautiful dream featuring him, a top hat, a black sleek limo and a lot of slow-mo, but a high pitched giggling sound prevented him to.
Oh shit, the lovebirds were at it again. He didn’t have to strain his ears to hear Chanyeol’s powerful curse, but the couple seemed oblivious to it. Tao was crying because the vending machine ate his twenty cents. Minseok was squealing as Lu Han proceeded to squeeze the hell out of him with some dumb excuse like being the blanket to Minseokkie’s cold. Yixing was on a full work overload fever, talking with potted plants and asking them if they were feeling all right because they looked so green. Junmyeon and Yifan were probably trying to strangle each other in the management room, he could hear them spitting accuses that went from middle school to office life, with a special thanks to the ‘one night stand stealing’ college section.
Jongin sighed, his sleep lost forever, and with still sluggish hands, he cleaned the heavy bottle-like glasses and put them on his nose.
“This people are crazy. I should have done ballet.” He stated, “And then become a kpop idol.”
“Yeah, sure,” came the mocking reply, “like you’d be able to pull that on.”
Sehun looked at Jongin’s ruffled hair, his puffy eyes behind crooked glasses and the baggy clothes he wore in disarray, but his eyes stopped on the low cut of the collar of his neck, taking in the smooth expanse of dark uncovered skin. He whistled as he was passing by to get to the door.
“Next time show me a little of your dancing machine, Jongin-ah.”
“I still hear your voice Oh Sehun!”,
With a curse, the boy ran away from Kyungsoo’s wrath, not before winking at Jongin smugly.
Jongin stared at the door, a little confused.
Did, did Sehun just talked to him? Oh Sehun, popular kid extraordinaire, talking to unpopular unsexy uneverything Kim Jongin?
“What the fuck. These people really are crazy.”
Better going back to sleep.
before
“Yifan, you are a genius. I don't know why you're wasting your time in this pitiful place when you could be out there being, I don't know, the next Picasso, this decade's fashion icon, the last airbender.”
Dramatic pause.
“I bet I'd make an awesome superhero, like superman. I could fly. Don't you think so, Kris?”
The cat didn't even raise his tail from the carpet. They weren't technically allowed to bring pets to work but they made an exception for him, since Yifan was dramatic enough to take a three weeks leave just because his cat was lonely. So the higher ups closed an eye or two and pretended Kris the fat cat didn't live on the storage closet that also served as Yixing's bedroom for when he slept over on Monday evenings.
Yifan also pretended not to notice how his cat didn't care about his master and stubbornly refused to go home with him anymore, preferring to stay in the office where everyone spoiled him rotten.
Yifan was an evil genius, and evil geniuses always need a fluffy and evil cat to pet while they're thinking about the evil deeds they committed in the past. Sure, Kris-The-Cat repented every kind of physical contact with his master that didn't include food in it, despite being overly affectionate towards every other idiot in the office. And he took delight in jumping on Yifan's neck to leave angry marks of hate that he tried to pass for the signs of passion from his last girlfriend, though everyone knew the sad truth.
Whatever. The important point, evil cat or not, was that Yifan had finally managed to obtain his revenge on that tiny vicious midget Kim Junmyeon for unleashing those two Kim calamities on his once upon a time peaceful half of the office.
After persecuting Yifan for like fifteen years, and even after their embarrassing college graduation party that Yifan didn't want to think of, ever again, he also had to choose the same workplace as him, to have even better chances to ruin his poor life.
Wu Fan couldn't even believe his luck when Lu Han, Lu Han of all people, separated himself from Minseok of his own will to come into management office and proudly announce he had news. On the new interns. How Lu Han obtained such info was a mystery, since he arrived from China only two years ago without having any prior friends in Seoul, and he surely didn’t know anyone who went to the same school as Baekhyun and Jae Jung. Maybe.
Well, Yifan could his probably overlook his debatable ways of getting information, all for the sake of sweet payback.
“I have my sources,” he smirked.
“But this precious info that will finally get you to fuck Junmyeon in the ass…”
Yifan let out an outraged screech, “How dare you insinuate that… Me… And Kim Junmyeon of all people… I wouldn’t touch him with a stick, let alone with my-”
“It's a figure of speech you dumbass, what are your fucking twenty thousand language degrees for? You're an uncultured monkey.”
“Han, I'm this close to make you fly outside the window and free poor Minseok from your negative presence forever. Get. To. The. Point.”
Lu Han just laughed in his face.
“Please Yifan, I'd taekwondo you onto the floor in a minute.” He let out a dramatic pause to suspense, his eyes shining like the ones of a kid dying to spill a secret. “Minseok has been teaching me.”
More likely he tried to murder you and failed miserably, only managing to teach you more way to molest him twenty-four seven, thought Yifan.
“But let's get back on track, I have info,” said Lu Han shutting everything Yifan could have come up with in response with a finger on his mouth, “but dark evil powers always comes with a price.”
“Say it, Han, I'm ready to do anything to get back on him.”
“More like get on him, or in him. On his back.” said Lu Han with a smirk.
“What?”
“Nothing.” Lu Han scrolled his shoulders, his best fake innocent expression on. “Who said anything.”
“The price, Lu Han.”
“What price?”
More incoherent gasping and choking noises, Yifan’s face became a little cyanotic.
“Alright alright.” Lu Han smiled. “I want Minseok.”
Yifan looked at him with a blank face.
“And?”
“I want Minseok.”
There was definitely something Yifan wasn’t getting.
“Ok, I mean, where's the novelty? The entire office, scrap that, the entire prefecture knows it by now.”
“No, you don't understand. The office. The new directive about working in pairs to increase teamwork, therefore productivity and therefore profit. I want to be with him.” Lu Han giggled. “We'll be a couple, the perfect match made in heaven, the...”
Lu Han voice faded out as Yifan’s mind started to play backwards all of the previous year, the way Lu Han actively managed to prevent Minseok from doing his job despite being like twelve desks away from him. Then he thought of them, working at the same desk, Lu Han taking Minseok's first time on that desk.
“No.”
Jongdae was bored, utterly and deadly bored. Being the genius he was he managed to think all of his work in time, sparing poor Yixing the burdens of yet another task. He could have helped those other incompetents in his office. Yes, he could have.
It’s not my fault if they are so incompetent and stupid and not obviously as good as everything they do as me.
He strolled around for a while, and then he went to see his best buddies from the previous office, Chanyeol and Baekhyun. He ended up running away in dread and revulsion when he saw them in a compromising position in one of the bathroom stalls of the women’s toilet.
Well, he saw Chanyeol’s pale ass and shoulders, and Baekhyun’s ankles locked around it.
Ok maybe he didn’t ran away. Maybe he watched, a little, mindful of ol’ good little times, you know, before Chanyeol and Baekhyun decided to become an item, an exclusive item, and their poor best friend Jongdae was denied the access to their bedchamber for most of the year.
They still made an exception for his birthday, though. And for when he did something utterly stupid and embarrassing like getting drunk and hooking up with one of the most boring men in the world, which he also happened to have a crush on, making things extremely awkward and forcing said man to transfer him to a totally hideous office in a very far far away place on the other side of the panel glass to avoid aforesaid awkwardness. And then his only friend from the previous department had been swallowed whole from that Chinese guy with a lot of hands who always seemed to be in some appropriate parts of Minseok’s body. And then his new manager had a stick up his ass so deep Jongdae was sure he could see the other end in his mouth when Yifan talked.
If Jongdae thought that Junmyeon was boring then Wu Yifan was tenfold worse. He had yet to meet a more self-centered, pompous and vain person. He and Kim Junmyeon probably were twins in a previous circle of life because they shared the same utter belief they were the some kind of sexy demigods with everything a young male bachelor would ever require in a partner, be it money, looks or dashing personality. Their personal opinion of themselves were so high, and they were always so busy fighting over who was the best between them, that they didn’t even realize how the rest of the world thought they were ridiculous. And boring.
Too bad Jongdae always liked boring things. Junmyeon’s fling, that damn escapade Jongdae couldn’t even remember, had to be burned with the fire of a new love. And Yifan’s ass had to be relieved from that stick before it was too late.
Jongdae loosened its tie and approached Yifan’s office.
Yifan was innocent, totally innocent.
He was just being there, doing his work, trying to think of a way to make Lu Ha desert this stupid idea of pair work with Kim without giving up his precious news.
Then Kim Jongdae had to come in, wearing too tight pants that made his ass look round and firm. It was obviously the trousers’ merit, you took them off and he is nothing.
Took them off, pants, no no no no brain do not go there please.
“Hi gorgeous.”
Yifan didn’t know what to say, how to respond. His mind had fucking betrayed him, he was totally thinking about pantsless Jongdae, especially since Jongdae didn’t even wait for his response before settling into his lap, rubbing himself all over Yifan’s limbs like a cat in heat.
“Hi.” He managed to spit out in a brief moment of awareness.
“A little clouded, are we?” Jongdae traced Yifan’s mouth still stretched in a stupefied ‘oh’, and smiled sweetly before pushing his thumb inside. “You look like a fish.”
Yifan did look like a fish, frozen in place but all over, his mouth open around Jongdae’s finger and his hips pushing up to close the distance between their bodies.
There was something, nagging at his conscience from a very distant place, something that required his attention but he couldn’t quite remember, something like…
“Wu, I brought you the dossier.”
Wu Fan heard Kim Heechul’s voice before the door opened and his direct superior walked in on him almost having sex. With his little brother.
Ten minutes later Lu Han received a phone call.
Wu Fan’s voice on the other side was beyond furious.
“You win. You can have him. You can even marry him for what I care, now tell me how to ruin Kim Junmyeon’s life.”
a/n: like everything i've written in the past (aka everything) this fic immensely sucks :) do not take it seriously, it's only meaningless crack and me trying to write baekyeol having angry, jealous sex but failing epically :))))))) also i ship yixing with kris-the-cat.