I had my English professor review it, and want to get opinions from all of you as well. My main concern is my first paragraph. How can I make it more interesting
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100% get rid of the paragraph about people asking you whether you're afraid of being attacked by someone who is mentally ill. That whole section is kind of gross and stigmatizing.
The first paragraph is very blah and boring. The people reviewing your application do not care that you have friends at a particular campus and you like how it feels and that there are ~activities~, so axe anything about that. I think you want to reword the whole paragraph. Definitely talk about your reasons for pursuing the degree, but to set it up as, essentially, "I have two reasons. First, reason one. Second, reason two." sounds like 2/3 of a 5 paragraph essay.
The "I want to work with both children and adults" section seems weird and awkward to me. I would focus more perhaps on what kinds of work and therapy you want to do rather than saying, "kids and middle aged people, sure, but not old people", which is kind of how it comes off.
I've heard other people in pysch say that talking about mental illness in the family can come off badly, but I'll leave comment on whether discussing issues in your own family is a good or a bad strategy, but I'll admit it made me feel a little uncomfortable to read you diagnosing your mother in this.
Overall, this reads like an essay - you keep making statements, like naming the specialties of the professors you want to work with and explaining life situations that can precipitate mental illness, that are obvious and not information the committee needs to know. I think what you really need to do is rework this majorly, focusing tightly on who you are, what you want to study, and how you will do that at this particular program, including methodologies and mentors. Cut out most of the personal anecdotes and all of the informative statements about the study and treatment of mental illness.
thank you for commenting in-depth. they ask what personal experiences have pushed us to pursue this degree, but i'll definitely take out the whole part with my mom and just leave in the part with the friends. i thought a bunch of parts of the essay sounded awkward, and i'm glad you say they were
Reading your edits, the sentence in the first paragraph "Finally, I like the different positive aspects about the sizes of the campuses." makes no sense. Again, let me emphasize - grad school application committees do not care whether you like the campus. Only comment on the program's strengths and why it appeals to you.
100% get rid of the paragraph about people asking you whether you're afraid of being attacked by someone who is mentally ill. That whole section is kind of gross and stigmatizing.
The first paragraph is very blah and boring. The people reviewing your application do not care that you have friends at a particular campus and you like how it feels and that there are ~activities~, so axe anything about that. I think you want to reword the whole paragraph. Definitely talk about your reasons for pursuing the degree, but to set it up as, essentially, "I have two reasons. First, reason one. Second, reason two." sounds like 2/3 of a 5 paragraph essay.
The "I want to work with both children and adults" section seems weird and awkward to me. I would focus more perhaps on what kinds of work and therapy you want to do rather than saying, "kids and middle aged people, sure, but not old people", which is kind of how it comes off.
I've heard other people in pysch say that talking about mental illness in the family can come off badly, but I'll leave comment on whether discussing issues in your own family is a good or a bad strategy, but I'll admit it made me feel a little uncomfortable to read you diagnosing your mother in this.
Overall, this reads like an essay - you keep making statements, like naming the specialties of the professors you want to work with and explaining life situations that can precipitate mental illness, that are obvious and not information the committee needs to know. I think what you really need to do is rework this majorly, focusing tightly on who you are, what you want to study, and how you will do that at this particular program, including methodologies and mentors. Cut out most of the personal anecdotes and all of the informative statements about the study and treatment of mental illness.
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