I really enjoyed reading your essay. It definitely shows that you gave this some serious thought. Also, in this essay, you come across as genuine, mature, and introspective.
I feel like the last 3 commentors definitely gave you some good, valuable advice; I totally agree with all three of them.
So, I'm just going to tell you some things I liked about your essay. Specifically, I feel like you have some really "grabbing" sentences that just drew me into the things you described in these following sentences from your essay:
"Unseemly; in one word the minister signaled my exodus from faith." [I feel like this is a smart sentence. Singling that one word out shows the reader how impacted you were by the actions/words of the pastor at that church.]
"As I sat, listening to the choir, breathing in the thick frankincense and soaking in the streaming light from the stained-glass windows, I was blanketed with a feeling of awe." & "As if I were some earthly tea cup being filled with celestial tea by God Himself, this peace flowed into my very being, soaking my skin, my blood, my DNA." [these two sentences are very poetic, but not cheesy - especially the second sentence. I feel like you effortlessly pull the reader in to 'experience' the event you are describing. it's beautiful. also, you don't over do them throughout the essay, so it doesn't become nuances, i think. you know the saying, "less is more".]
I feel like the last 3 commentors definitely gave you some good, valuable advice; I totally agree with all three of them.
So, I'm just going to tell you some things I liked about your essay. Specifically, I feel like you have some really "grabbing" sentences that just drew me into the things you described in these following sentences from your essay:
"Unseemly; in one word the minister signaled my exodus from faith." [I feel like this is a smart sentence. Singling that one word out shows the reader how impacted you were by the actions/words of the pastor at that church.]
"As I sat, listening to the choir, breathing in the thick frankincense and soaking in the streaming light from the stained-glass windows, I was blanketed with a feeling of awe." & "As if I were some earthly tea cup being filled with celestial tea by God Himself, this peace flowed into my very being, soaking my skin, my blood, my DNA." [these two sentences are very poetic, but not cheesy - especially the second sentence. I feel like you effortlessly pull the reader in to 'experience' the event you are describing. it's beautiful. also, you don't over do them throughout the essay, so it doesn't become nuances, i think. you know the saying, "less is more".]
Good luck.
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