personal history statement

[ashoka]

Hi. Me again. Sorry about that. This is for a school's personal history statement (argh). I've been putting off this application because I have no frigging clue what they want. Prompt is In an essay, discuss how your personal background informs your decision to pursue a graduate degree. Please include any educational, familial, cultural, economic,

Comments

[dialogicdude]

This is really well written; a powerful, articulate, compelling personal statement. I have only a couple of minor editorial points to suggest:

- I also wish to further diversity in America, which along with the rest of the world walks a tightrope between security and intolerance.

Why did you leave out the commas after "which" and "world"? I'd put them in--

(And, by the by, this is a good observation--well said.)

- The questions and comments that I have received about my sexuality are not anything I would want a child of mine, should they be gay, to have to face.

I see this all the time, and I'm sure at least someone will roll his or her eyes and say, "Oh, dear, it's the Grammar Police again." Well, let one say what one will--the fact is, this over-use (mis-use) of the 3rd person plural pronoun ("they") for an indefinite, singular person, really needs to stop in our common usage. Thus: "...I would want a child of mine, should she or he be gay..." One person (a child) cannot be grammatically identified/modified with a plural pronoun.

Other than that, I think this is brilliant--and yes, that last sentence is especially strong. Good luck!