(no subject)
It's been a pretty strange fortnight here in Portsmouth. I've felt very alone, and realised all too well that the friendships Ive got here are ten times more important to me than them, and it's hard to know that I'm that unimportant. I am still trying to make more friends so that I will always have someone to call as last week when I had a falling out with one guy, I realised that without his group of friends I pretty much have no one. Sex is a weird one. It's always seemed to work out before, its been good and you know, that's that, but both my sexual experiences here in Pompey have been really odd. I don't know what it makes me feel. Slightly strange. I'm having to go to the hospital tomorrow to get the morning after pill which is really rubbish because I don't trust that pill and I've taken it too many times already, i think this will be the forth time and that's not good. Although nt as bad as my aunt who's been crap enough to have 4 abortions. I think I've been too horny for my own good recently, and maybe perhaps I should have thought about things more but none of this crap is my problem. I'm positive the men involved have issues.
It's good that I've been less of a relationship fiend though. I mean I was worried that I'd fall back into a familiar pattern but thank god I've made it perfectly clear that I will be single for a while. Getting over what Luke did to me will take longer than I expect I imagine. Met a girl last night who has basically had the same life as me which was really weird... she'd had her own Josh and her own Luke and now she's really happy in a relationship, I suppose it just takes time to adjust to who I am. I am very reliant on what people think of me and what people say to me, I need to feel secure in myself, especially now when I am so alone. I mean, everything is up to me here which is always a bad idea - to place any responsibility on me to do things right - I always fuck up because I can't be bothered. I mean it is so stressful here not knowing whether people like me or not. At least in London, however depressed I was, I knew that the people around me loved me and needed me. I'm one of many here at the moment, not yet established with anyone which is confusing. I have no one Ican call when I just want to get out of my house without worrying about everything, and quite often when I do call people say no. Of course I ad extra meaning to those moments when I'm sure they mean nothing but it's hard to just take the initiative when worried of being rejected. I dunno.
I realised my naivety I think since being here. I am not a mature as I felt before. But I just don't feel right in this. I feel so restless, I am desperate to just travel and meet people and learn through life rather than timetabled events. I just don't know whether I'm ready to be here, time has gone pretty quickly and i've been here for almost 3 months and something still doesnt fit. I have butterflies in my stomach a lot of the time like i'm waiting for something or expecting something and vaguely because i need to get out. I feel very stuck. Being here for 3 years doesnt excite me just worries me because it's so long and I have to wait all that time before actually being able to do what I feel I need to do and want to do. I enjoy myself but it's nothing deeper than that if you know what I mean, like, its all on the surface but doesnt mean anything to me... I can't really explain any better than that.
Hmm. Anyway I'm not amazingly happy here and I'm not happy at all in London... We'll see. I'm sure maybe once ive made some proper friends then I'll feel a lot better. Anyway, must get back to writing this godforsaken essay.
x
It's good that I've been less of a relationship fiend though. I mean I was worried that I'd fall back into a familiar pattern but thank god I've made it perfectly clear that I will be single for a while. Getting over what Luke did to me will take longer than I expect I imagine. Met a girl last night who has basically had the same life as me which was really weird... she'd had her own Josh and her own Luke and now she's really happy in a relationship, I suppose it just takes time to adjust to who I am. I am very reliant on what people think of me and what people say to me, I need to feel secure in myself, especially now when I am so alone. I mean, everything is up to me here which is always a bad idea - to place any responsibility on me to do things right - I always fuck up because I can't be bothered. I mean it is so stressful here not knowing whether people like me or not. At least in London, however depressed I was, I knew that the people around me loved me and needed me. I'm one of many here at the moment, not yet established with anyone which is confusing. I have no one Ican call when I just want to get out of my house without worrying about everything, and quite often when I do call people say no. Of course I ad extra meaning to those moments when I'm sure they mean nothing but it's hard to just take the initiative when worried of being rejected. I dunno.
I realised my naivety I think since being here. I am not a mature as I felt before. But I just don't feel right in this. I feel so restless, I am desperate to just travel and meet people and learn through life rather than timetabled events. I just don't know whether I'm ready to be here, time has gone pretty quickly and i've been here for almost 3 months and something still doesnt fit. I have butterflies in my stomach a lot of the time like i'm waiting for something or expecting something and vaguely because i need to get out. I feel very stuck. Being here for 3 years doesnt excite me just worries me because it's so long and I have to wait all that time before actually being able to do what I feel I need to do and want to do. I enjoy myself but it's nothing deeper than that if you know what I mean, like, its all on the surface but doesnt mean anything to me... I can't really explain any better than that.
Hmm. Anyway I'm not amazingly happy here and I'm not happy at all in London... We'll see. I'm sure maybe once ive made some proper friends then I'll feel a lot better. Anyway, must get back to writing this godforsaken essay.
x