Unexpected Blessings
I know I haven't been writing here much lately. Part of it is just due to lack of energy and focus. While it feels like I'm getting better at dealing with my life in some ways, it's still a struggle to just keep up with the regular, day-to-day stuff. Part of it also is that some of the stuff that I've been working through is a bit more personal than I'd really want to put up here, at least for now. There may come a day when I'd post it here (or somewhere similar), but for now it's mostly getting written out in the journal I keep at home. Once I'm done writing those entries, I'm usually a bit too worn out to do much of anything else.
However, there has been some lately that I've felt good about and that I'd want to share. One thing I've been working through has been how I'd looked at Ariel's choice to take off to a hotel to kill herself. For the last year, if not a bit more, I'd been feeling that most of her reason for doing so was due to her just not wanting to get interrupted and rescued. It was a pretty harsh view of her, and there was coming to be a time that I was OK with it. More recently, though, it was sitting less and less well with me. One thing that'd been fortunate was that I'd gotten connected with a local widows/widowers group and gotten some friends to talk to about some of this stuff. It's helped out having others who've experienced the suicide of a loved one, especially a spouse. That's what started the shift of some of my perspective on this.
One point that was made was that it'd been helpful for one woman to spend time focusing on giving credit to the husband who'd committed suicide for the things he'd done well. Sure, he'd done some things badly, but there was a lot that he did that was good, too. It made sense to me. I tried to do the same with Ariel. Reading through some of her journals, I got to find out how long she'd been dealing with being depressed and suicidal. She did show a lot of love and appreciation, and she did the best she could with that over the last years that we were together. It helped some.
The other thing recently that has helped out a lot was getting to talk with a local friend of mine. See, she'd had her own history of dealing with severe depression, including at least one suicide attempt. I've been amazed at how much she's been willing to be open with me about what she'd been through, what she'd thought, and what she'd done. It's helped me a lot with moving through this. One of the things that she validated was that, to the extent she 'n' Ariel are alike with regard to depression and suicidality, part of the reason for making the attempt alone had to do with shame. It has to be utterly miserable to have to acknowledge that you can't come up with anything better than killing yourself to deal with things. It makes sense of why the vast majority of those who attempt (and succeed) at killing themselves do it alone. I'd felt deep sadness over the thought of coming to the decision to end one's life, but this took that to a whole different level.
One of the upshots of that is for the first time I"m able to start believing that her choice to leave in order to kill herself was, in part, a piece of mercy. She knew it'd be bad for me, but at least I wouldn't have to be the one to find her body. Given the shape it was in when the police found her, I can see that. At least I didn't have to move out of the house immediately. At least that's one sight I don't have to worry about recalling or reliving in nightmares. I have to wonder if it's also related to why she didn't leave a note. If she couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't make it worse....why say anything?
What a shift.
I can also count myself truly lucky to know someone who'd gone through something a lot like what Ariel had to deal with, and was so willing to be open with me about it. It says a helluva lot about how much work she'd done on herself, and also how much compassion she's got for other people. I don't know how hard it's been for her to tell me about her stuff and hear mine. Regardless, I'm deeply grateful. I'm very, VERY lucky to know someone like that.
I can't pay her back. I can sure as Hell stand ready to pay it forward.
However, there has been some lately that I've felt good about and that I'd want to share. One thing I've been working through has been how I'd looked at Ariel's choice to take off to a hotel to kill herself. For the last year, if not a bit more, I'd been feeling that most of her reason for doing so was due to her just not wanting to get interrupted and rescued. It was a pretty harsh view of her, and there was coming to be a time that I was OK with it. More recently, though, it was sitting less and less well with me. One thing that'd been fortunate was that I'd gotten connected with a local widows/widowers group and gotten some friends to talk to about some of this stuff. It's helped out having others who've experienced the suicide of a loved one, especially a spouse. That's what started the shift of some of my perspective on this.
One point that was made was that it'd been helpful for one woman to spend time focusing on giving credit to the husband who'd committed suicide for the things he'd done well. Sure, he'd done some things badly, but there was a lot that he did that was good, too. It made sense to me. I tried to do the same with Ariel. Reading through some of her journals, I got to find out how long she'd been dealing with being depressed and suicidal. She did show a lot of love and appreciation, and she did the best she could with that over the last years that we were together. It helped some.
The other thing recently that has helped out a lot was getting to talk with a local friend of mine. See, she'd had her own history of dealing with severe depression, including at least one suicide attempt. I've been amazed at how much she's been willing to be open with me about what she'd been through, what she'd thought, and what she'd done. It's helped me a lot with moving through this. One of the things that she validated was that, to the extent she 'n' Ariel are alike with regard to depression and suicidality, part of the reason for making the attempt alone had to do with shame. It has to be utterly miserable to have to acknowledge that you can't come up with anything better than killing yourself to deal with things. It makes sense of why the vast majority of those who attempt (and succeed) at killing themselves do it alone. I'd felt deep sadness over the thought of coming to the decision to end one's life, but this took that to a whole different level.
One of the upshots of that is for the first time I"m able to start believing that her choice to leave in order to kill herself was, in part, a piece of mercy. She knew it'd be bad for me, but at least I wouldn't have to be the one to find her body. Given the shape it was in when the police found her, I can see that. At least I didn't have to move out of the house immediately. At least that's one sight I don't have to worry about recalling or reliving in nightmares. I have to wonder if it's also related to why she didn't leave a note. If she couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't make it worse....why say anything?
What a shift.
I can also count myself truly lucky to know someone who'd gone through something a lot like what Ariel had to deal with, and was so willing to be open with me about it. It says a helluva lot about how much work she'd done on herself, and also how much compassion she's got for other people. I don't know how hard it's been for her to tell me about her stuff and hear mine. Regardless, I'm deeply grateful. I'm very, VERY lucky to know someone like that.
I can't pay her back. I can sure as Hell stand ready to pay it forward.