Long Time
I've been meaning to update LJ for awhile, and frankly the thought in the back of my head has been that it hasn't been so long. Then I looked at the date of my last entry and my jaw dropped. Where the Hell did the last 3 or so months go??? I had to remind myself that for much of it I was dealing with the heavy stuff associated with getting through the end of the first year after Ariel's suicide. It included Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and, of course, the days that mark the actual one-year point.
Thanksgiving was great. Getting to surprise Mom was a real treat, especially as her sister and a mutual friend were in on it. I've got to admit that I love it when someone's caught so off-guard they first acknowledge someone/something, keep going for a few seconds, and then do a double-take when the recognition kicks in on them. Getting to spend time with friends and family was just what the doctor ordered, especially in nice weather.
Much was the same for Christmas, though the two-day snow storm in El Paso was quite a surprise. It was also a treat getting to see my new niece. It was a surprise to a lot of people that it was the first time as an adult I'd ever held a baby before. Kind of a surprise to me, too. It was also cool to see that my reaction to holding her was a very affectionate, protective one. As far as I'm concerned, if someone wants to hurt her and I'm anywhere nearby, they're going to have to go through me first. I may not be the toughest guy in the world, but I reckon I could make it painful enough to discourage anyone...or anything...that might be wanting to give it a shot. Add to the fun getting to cathc up with friends that I hadn't seen in 15 or more years and it was really good. The only downside to it all was having unintentionally hurt a friend's feelings at New Year's. I was very grateful for the chance to at least work it out & clear it up. I was also grateful that New Year' Eve wasn't as hard as I feared it would be. I did spend some time thinking about the fact that it'd been one year since the last time I"d seen Ariel happy. However, while it did bring up some sadness, it didn't hurt me too badly to think of it.
The end of the First Year was both rough and easier than I thought it would be. It ended up being three days, actually. The first was the last time I"d seen and talked to and held her. I ended up going down into the room she'd pretty much lived in for the last couple years, the last place I'd seen and been able to talk to her. I spent some time recalling what that last conversation was like, focused on her saying she was taking a few days to sort some things out. In retrospect, I can see why her reaction to me saying my fear was she wouldn't come back seemed a bit odd. At the time, I'd chalked it up to her being both nervous and excited about the trip herself. I had no idea what she had in mind...
The second day was the one that I'm pretty sure was the day that she died. The police didn't find her body for a few days, and the M.E. wasn't able to identify a specific date & time of death based on the shape her body was in when they found it. Then again, being in a closed room with the heat going for a couple of days--coupled with the drugs she used--would do that. I went to the hotel where she'd gone to kill herself and hung out outside the room having a smoke. It struck me that it seemed like a really sad place for a life to end. It's kind of bleak and impersonal and bordering on shabby. Just...sad. It made me feel even worse for her. At least at this point I don't feel the need to go back there ever again. I think I've gotten all out of being there that I need. I think it was a REALLY good idea that I took that day off work; I don't think I would've been much good at anything or for anyone....with the possible exception of providing a body to stare blankly at a desk.
The last one was the one year mark for when the police were at my door to let me know that they'd found her. I was glad for having the Tai Chi class in the morning to help the time go by. What surprised me was after the class was done, the thought hit me that I'd done enough. I didn't have to worry about hanging on 'til about 4:00 PM, when I'm sure that the one year point had actually passed. I went to the spot in the park where we'd renewed our vows and I'd scattered a bit of her ashes after class. It was a lot better than I thought it would be. I knew there'd be sadness with it, but I was surprised by the good memories it brought up, too. I'll take the mercies where they come.
The only other thing worth commenting on is something that I've started doing. In trying to work through all of this, it's come to me that I've had a hard time getting a reconciled picture of her and our relationship. I can think of and recall the good stuff. I can do the same with the bad stuff. However, when I've tried to hold both in mind at the same time, it just doesn't work out. The pieces start flying out randomly and it turns into something that looks like what took Dorothy off to Oz. As my head's not working too well for that, it seems to make sense to try to write out the story of our time together. I got the idea from a friend who did the same about her marriage and divorce. I get the feeling that it's going to be quite a project to get done. At this point, I"ve only put together an outline and written up some of what was involved with our getting together. The good memories that came up with it were quite unexpected. I hadn't thought of several of them in a LONG time. I guess it's a relief to find that the good memories are still there, and hopefully will be what eventually is what comes up most of the time when I think of her.
Overall, it's good to say that I'm starting to feel more grounded and centered, at least some of the time. It strikes me as bizarre that many of those times feel more strange than they do comfortable or familiar. I guess that's part of what happens when some part of you is coming back to life. I guess it's a lot like when you sit badly and put your feet to sleep. The first phase of waking up is always the pins-'n'-needles. The comfort comes later. Another good reminder that there's a difference between doing better and feeling better....
Thanksgiving was great. Getting to surprise Mom was a real treat, especially as her sister and a mutual friend were in on it. I've got to admit that I love it when someone's caught so off-guard they first acknowledge someone/something, keep going for a few seconds, and then do a double-take when the recognition kicks in on them. Getting to spend time with friends and family was just what the doctor ordered, especially in nice weather.
Much was the same for Christmas, though the two-day snow storm in El Paso was quite a surprise. It was also a treat getting to see my new niece. It was a surprise to a lot of people that it was the first time as an adult I'd ever held a baby before. Kind of a surprise to me, too. It was also cool to see that my reaction to holding her was a very affectionate, protective one. As far as I'm concerned, if someone wants to hurt her and I'm anywhere nearby, they're going to have to go through me first. I may not be the toughest guy in the world, but I reckon I could make it painful enough to discourage anyone...or anything...that might be wanting to give it a shot. Add to the fun getting to cathc up with friends that I hadn't seen in 15 or more years and it was really good. The only downside to it all was having unintentionally hurt a friend's feelings at New Year's. I was very grateful for the chance to at least work it out & clear it up. I was also grateful that New Year' Eve wasn't as hard as I feared it would be. I did spend some time thinking about the fact that it'd been one year since the last time I"d seen Ariel happy. However, while it did bring up some sadness, it didn't hurt me too badly to think of it.
The end of the First Year was both rough and easier than I thought it would be. It ended up being three days, actually. The first was the last time I"d seen and talked to and held her. I ended up going down into the room she'd pretty much lived in for the last couple years, the last place I'd seen and been able to talk to her. I spent some time recalling what that last conversation was like, focused on her saying she was taking a few days to sort some things out. In retrospect, I can see why her reaction to me saying my fear was she wouldn't come back seemed a bit odd. At the time, I'd chalked it up to her being both nervous and excited about the trip herself. I had no idea what she had in mind...
The second day was the one that I'm pretty sure was the day that she died. The police didn't find her body for a few days, and the M.E. wasn't able to identify a specific date & time of death based on the shape her body was in when they found it. Then again, being in a closed room with the heat going for a couple of days--coupled with the drugs she used--would do that. I went to the hotel where she'd gone to kill herself and hung out outside the room having a smoke. It struck me that it seemed like a really sad place for a life to end. It's kind of bleak and impersonal and bordering on shabby. Just...sad. It made me feel even worse for her. At least at this point I don't feel the need to go back there ever again. I think I've gotten all out of being there that I need. I think it was a REALLY good idea that I took that day off work; I don't think I would've been much good at anything or for anyone....with the possible exception of providing a body to stare blankly at a desk.
The last one was the one year mark for when the police were at my door to let me know that they'd found her. I was glad for having the Tai Chi class in the morning to help the time go by. What surprised me was after the class was done, the thought hit me that I'd done enough. I didn't have to worry about hanging on 'til about 4:00 PM, when I'm sure that the one year point had actually passed. I went to the spot in the park where we'd renewed our vows and I'd scattered a bit of her ashes after class. It was a lot better than I thought it would be. I knew there'd be sadness with it, but I was surprised by the good memories it brought up, too. I'll take the mercies where they come.
The only other thing worth commenting on is something that I've started doing. In trying to work through all of this, it's come to me that I've had a hard time getting a reconciled picture of her and our relationship. I can think of and recall the good stuff. I can do the same with the bad stuff. However, when I've tried to hold both in mind at the same time, it just doesn't work out. The pieces start flying out randomly and it turns into something that looks like what took Dorothy off to Oz. As my head's not working too well for that, it seems to make sense to try to write out the story of our time together. I got the idea from a friend who did the same about her marriage and divorce. I get the feeling that it's going to be quite a project to get done. At this point, I"ve only put together an outline and written up some of what was involved with our getting together. The good memories that came up with it were quite unexpected. I hadn't thought of several of them in a LONG time. I guess it's a relief to find that the good memories are still there, and hopefully will be what eventually is what comes up most of the time when I think of her.
Overall, it's good to say that I'm starting to feel more grounded and centered, at least some of the time. It strikes me as bizarre that many of those times feel more strange than they do comfortable or familiar. I guess that's part of what happens when some part of you is coming back to life. I guess it's a lot like when you sit badly and put your feet to sleep. The first phase of waking up is always the pins-'n'-needles. The comfort comes later. Another good reminder that there's a difference between doing better and feeling better....