First Birthday Alone
Well, I made it through my first birthday without Ariel in 15 years. Overall it went pretty well. I started the day with something for Memorial Day I'd heard from a lady at the support group I attended last Wednesday. I went to the store, got a helium balloon, wrote some things to Ariel on it, and let it go into the sky. I like that symbolism a lot better than writing a letter and burning it. It was hard in some ways and had me crying more than once. However, it did feel like a way to try to reach out and connect with the woman I'd loved and married. I also stayed in the park where I'd let the balloon go and fed a loaf of bread to the ducks/ducklings and geese/goslings. It was something we used to like doing together, and not something I want to give up just 'cause we can't do it together anymore. There's something about baby animals that always makes me smile, even if I'm hurting.
A couple friends came over and brought me a cake. It was very kind of them to do so, and we hung out and talked for awhile. After that, I went out and caught a movie, the new Pirates of the Carribean. It was entertaining enough, but kinda hard for me to really get into. Still, it was amusing and a decent way to pass a few hours. After that, I got to go out to dinner with a friend and her family. They'd set it up for the holiday, not knowing it was my birthday, and I was fine with that. It was just good to have people to spend it with. Later, I got to hang out with my friend and her kids for a bit, which was a nice way to cap off the night.
The only thing that was really hard happened when we were leaving the restaurant. It's right next to a hotel that's similar enough to the one where Ariel went to kill herself that it set off....something. I don't know if it was an anxiety attack or what, but on the drive out of there I found myself getting more and more wound up, anxious and angry. It was a real effort to not start screaming and speeding. Thankfully, it was a short drive back to the house. I tried using some EFT that a friend's been helping me learn, and that seemed to help it settle down some. Talking to that same friend afterward helped it out more. It was also the first time in awhile that I'd been blindsided like that. I know that right after Ariel killed herself I had a really nasty, really similar reaction to just walking Mom into the hotel where she was going to stay. I'd driven by them since then, though, including the one where Ariel died, and hadn't had anything hit like that. I guess it's just par for the course, but I definitely do NOT like having those happen. Now I'm just feeling tired and drained. I hope there aren't any more like that, or at least not anytime soon.