Not Giving Up...
Okay, so after the last entry, just about everyone and their mother screamed for me not to stop speaking. I've really done some serious soul searching about why I speak out and I've thought long and hard about continuing speaking or stopping and the ramifications of either decision.
The bottom line is that I will continue with Hope's Voice and continue speaking. This isn't a forever thing, I'm not sure if I'll still be doing this in 10 years, but it's a for now thing and something I believe I have to do.
It's funny when you're wondering if what you're doing makes a difference or not, and something happens to prove to you that yes it is making a difference. Sometimes, it's not even directly related to me speaking so much as just being involved in life and being living proof that HIV isn't what most people perceive it to be.
Prime example happened the other day. My friend, we'll call her Jill, always tells any of her friends before they meet me that I'm HIV+. I've thought this to be a little odd, but whatever. It's almost like she tells them and challenges them to have an issue with it. If they have an issue with me then she schools them and as far as I know chooses not to associate with them. Anyhow, Jill told her friend Brendan that I was + before he met me. I don't know exactly what he expected HIV to look like, but clearly he didn't expect it to look like me.
She told me that a week after we all hung out that he had the opportunity to sleep over and have sex with someone that he liked but that he chose not to because he didn't have any condoms on him. I guess he said that normally he would have used the 'pullout' method but after meeting me thought twice about safer sex because I didn't look sick.
I don't know how many times I hear that, but it's almost every time that I disclose to someone about my status. It's not a huge secret. If you google my name it comes up complete with pictures so there's no way I could deny it. However, I don't wear a t-shirt that says that I'm HIV+, I don't carry around a sign, and I'm not overly enthusiastic with product red garb. I do have a button that says 'kiss me I'm HIV+' but I don't even wear that every day. It's not the all identifying thing about me.
I'm going to use that to segue into this other short point. I've been with my current (HIV negative) boyfriend off and on for about 8 months now. We live together and yes even sleep together. He's more educated than most, but even he doesn't know everything there is to know and if he really has a question about something, he always makes sure to ask. He's very supportive of me being a public speaker and being involved in the community, however HIV is still a secret with him. No one in his family knows and none of his co-workers know. They know I'm involved w/ HIV activism work and public speaking, but when he had the opportunity to tell them why I was away public speaking he missed it and said that I was involved in toastmasters or something to that effect. That's OKAY.
Opening up the status of a relationship with sero-different couples just adds more confusion to the mix. Maybe he will tell them in time, maybe not but I stand behind his decision either way because when it comes down to it, his decision affects him, and him alone. We don't work together and I don't see his friends/co-workers enough for it to be a big issue with me. I think they could learn something and maybe open up their minds by knowing, but it's also a risk. I've been through it before when other people around the relationship find out about sero-discordance (when one person is + and the other -) they take it on themselves to tell you what needs to be done. I know we're safe and he knows we're safe. Why should we have to bring in people on the outside who will worry about random meteor showers*? Meanwhile, I will continue to be google-able and if they're really *that* curious about who I am, then they'll figure it out. Otherwise, I'm just a girlfriend that couldn't possibly have HIV because I don't "look" sick.
Nina - who's birthday happens to be today... (HAPPY BIRTHDAY NINA!) would be outright outspoken about this and anyone in a 10 block radius would know she's poz and if the person she's dating can't deal with her being open and also being open with his friends and family then she'd probably tell them to hit the road. We see things differently sometimes and she's my little hot tamale. It's not that we're either right or wrong, just different opinions on the same side in the same battle.
*"random meteor showers" - This term refers to a saying between a good friend and myself about possible transmission of HIV. I'll write about it later tonight if I get the time.
The bottom line is that I will continue with Hope's Voice and continue speaking. This isn't a forever thing, I'm not sure if I'll still be doing this in 10 years, but it's a for now thing and something I believe I have to do.
It's funny when you're wondering if what you're doing makes a difference or not, and something happens to prove to you that yes it is making a difference. Sometimes, it's not even directly related to me speaking so much as just being involved in life and being living proof that HIV isn't what most people perceive it to be.
Prime example happened the other day. My friend, we'll call her Jill, always tells any of her friends before they meet me that I'm HIV+. I've thought this to be a little odd, but whatever. It's almost like she tells them and challenges them to have an issue with it. If they have an issue with me then she schools them and as far as I know chooses not to associate with them. Anyhow, Jill told her friend Brendan that I was + before he met me. I don't know exactly what he expected HIV to look like, but clearly he didn't expect it to look like me.
She told me that a week after we all hung out that he had the opportunity to sleep over and have sex with someone that he liked but that he chose not to because he didn't have any condoms on him. I guess he said that normally he would have used the 'pullout' method but after meeting me thought twice about safer sex because I didn't look sick.
I don't know how many times I hear that, but it's almost every time that I disclose to someone about my status. It's not a huge secret. If you google my name it comes up complete with pictures so there's no way I could deny it. However, I don't wear a t-shirt that says that I'm HIV+, I don't carry around a sign, and I'm not overly enthusiastic with product red garb. I do have a button that says 'kiss me I'm HIV+' but I don't even wear that every day. It's not the all identifying thing about me.
I'm going to use that to segue into this other short point. I've been with my current (HIV negative) boyfriend off and on for about 8 months now. We live together and yes even sleep together. He's more educated than most, but even he doesn't know everything there is to know and if he really has a question about something, he always makes sure to ask. He's very supportive of me being a public speaker and being involved in the community, however HIV is still a secret with him. No one in his family knows and none of his co-workers know. They know I'm involved w/ HIV activism work and public speaking, but when he had the opportunity to tell them why I was away public speaking he missed it and said that I was involved in toastmasters or something to that effect. That's OKAY.
Opening up the status of a relationship with sero-different couples just adds more confusion to the mix. Maybe he will tell them in time, maybe not but I stand behind his decision either way because when it comes down to it, his decision affects him, and him alone. We don't work together and I don't see his friends/co-workers enough for it to be a big issue with me. I think they could learn something and maybe open up their minds by knowing, but it's also a risk. I've been through it before when other people around the relationship find out about sero-discordance (when one person is + and the other -) they take it on themselves to tell you what needs to be done. I know we're safe and he knows we're safe. Why should we have to bring in people on the outside who will worry about random meteor showers*? Meanwhile, I will continue to be google-able and if they're really *that* curious about who I am, then they'll figure it out. Otherwise, I'm just a girlfriend that couldn't possibly have HIV because I don't "look" sick.
Nina - who's birthday happens to be today... (HAPPY BIRTHDAY NINA!) would be outright outspoken about this and anyone in a 10 block radius would know she's poz and if the person she's dating can't deal with her being open and also being open with his friends and family then she'd probably tell them to hit the road. We see things differently sometimes and she's my little hot tamale. It's not that we're either right or wrong, just different opinions on the same side in the same battle.
*"random meteor showers" - This term refers to a saying between a good friend and myself about possible transmission of HIV. I'll write about it later tonight if I get the time.