Does it really make a difference?
I had a huge test of faith last two weeks. No, not the godly type of faith but rather self faith. Faith in the cause that I've given myself over for during the last two years.
I heavily contemplated my purpose and future as an educational/motivational speaker.
What had happened was that I found out a close friend had decided to have sex without a condom with someone they knew as a 'friend of a sister'. When they first told me, I was completely shocked and disappointed and said as much. I urged them to get tested and they promised they would. I left it at that until the subject came up a few days later. They said that they hadn't made an appointment yet and sounded as though they weren't really in a hurry and they would get it done when they could, but clearly it was not a priority.
When I expressed concern they said that they weren't too worried as it was a friend of the sister. I think this is what flew me over the edge. That statement hit me like a slap in the face. I'm open about my status and any person I may get involved with knows my status before anything can happen. However, there are so many people that are very closed and secretive about their status and quite a bit aren't even aware that they are positive. They can look just as healthy and cute as anyone and they too can be friends with a sister, you brother, your aunt, heck they can even be your friends.
I just hear so many times after I disclose that 'wow! you don't look sick.' or after someone tests positive 'they didn't look sick'. Hearing this from a good friend really got to me. They said that they were drunk and didn't really want to have sex and yadda yadda but still, that's not really a good excuse either. It's not just about the HIV, it's about herpes, HPV, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea etc. A lot of STD's are incurable, asymptomatic, and a lot can do more harm to females than males.
I didn't have a choice. I got HIV from my mother. Others don't have the information to make an informed choice. Some people don't have a choice because it is taken from them such as in the case of non-consensual sex or rape or you're in a relationship w/ someone that refuses to wear a condom. Usually no one chooses to get HIV or any STD for that matter but it happens. When one of my close friends knows everything that I have gone through and continue to go through in my life and how hard I try to reach out and educate others makes, what I would consider, a poor decision like not using a condom I feel completely invalidated. I know they didn't make the decision as a personal affront to me or to make me feel as badly as they did. It's not always all about me, but it still really affected me even if it was unintentional.
Who am I to go around and speak at all these great universities, to students and my peers about safer sex when I can't even make a difference in my own friend's life? If I can't convince my friend to be a little more knowledgeable and cautious what makes me think I can influence the minds of people that don't even know me outside of the couple hours I speak at their school?
What has been the point of my experiences if not to help others?
Had I had access to a computer and the internet immediately after leaving my friend's house that night, I probably would have written my resignation letter to Hope's Voice. I was that upset. I'm still upset when I think about it, but I'll give it awhile and see what happens.
What would you do?
I heavily contemplated my purpose and future as an educational/motivational speaker.
What had happened was that I found out a close friend had decided to have sex without a condom with someone they knew as a 'friend of a sister'. When they first told me, I was completely shocked and disappointed and said as much. I urged them to get tested and they promised they would. I left it at that until the subject came up a few days later. They said that they hadn't made an appointment yet and sounded as though they weren't really in a hurry and they would get it done when they could, but clearly it was not a priority.
When I expressed concern they said that they weren't too worried as it was a friend of the sister. I think this is what flew me over the edge. That statement hit me like a slap in the face. I'm open about my status and any person I may get involved with knows my status before anything can happen. However, there are so many people that are very closed and secretive about their status and quite a bit aren't even aware that they are positive. They can look just as healthy and cute as anyone and they too can be friends with a sister, you brother, your aunt, heck they can even be your friends.
I just hear so many times after I disclose that 'wow! you don't look sick.' or after someone tests positive 'they didn't look sick'. Hearing this from a good friend really got to me. They said that they were drunk and didn't really want to have sex and yadda yadda but still, that's not really a good excuse either. It's not just about the HIV, it's about herpes, HPV, chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhea etc. A lot of STD's are incurable, asymptomatic, and a lot can do more harm to females than males.
I didn't have a choice. I got HIV from my mother. Others don't have the information to make an informed choice. Some people don't have a choice because it is taken from them such as in the case of non-consensual sex or rape or you're in a relationship w/ someone that refuses to wear a condom. Usually no one chooses to get HIV or any STD for that matter but it happens. When one of my close friends knows everything that I have gone through and continue to go through in my life and how hard I try to reach out and educate others makes, what I would consider, a poor decision like not using a condom I feel completely invalidated. I know they didn't make the decision as a personal affront to me or to make me feel as badly as they did. It's not always all about me, but it still really affected me even if it was unintentional.
Who am I to go around and speak at all these great universities, to students and my peers about safer sex when I can't even make a difference in my own friend's life? If I can't convince my friend to be a little more knowledgeable and cautious what makes me think I can influence the minds of people that don't even know me outside of the couple hours I speak at their school?
What has been the point of my experiences if not to help others?
Had I had access to a computer and the internet immediately after leaving my friend's house that night, I probably would have written my resignation letter to Hope's Voice. I was that upset. I'm still upset when I think about it, but I'll give it awhile and see what happens.
What would you do?