Captain, we can switch to aerodynamic control now...
So, while I was twiddling my fingers around instead of doing real work, I thought up a brilliant scheme! Brilliant, you say? I see the clouds of sarcasm looming above me! But, no! Banish the cynics! I am a genius! This plan is guaranteed to make lots of $$$!
In the anime/manga world, series with large casts are prime targets for massive merchandising. Don’t deny it! The more characters you have, the more random figures/artbooks/lunchboxes/gummy head-shaped snacks you can make (that’s why the Pokémon guy is probably rich by now…from gummy head snacks...why do people even listen to me?). Anyway, crazed fans don’t necessarily care how silly or useless a product is, as long as it features their favorite series or character (I speak from experience…you won’t believe how many Burger King kids’ meals I ate because I wanted the cheap light-up Charmander…which I still never got…sob) Thus, massive amounts of $$$ can be made from naïve consumers for relatively little investment into whatever crappy product you’re making. It’s a shrewd marketing move with enormous potential!
Of course, we have figures/artbooks/lunchboxes/gummy head-shaped snack things for most popular series, so those avenues have already been exhausted. However, there is one mode of operation that is constantly overlooked. Yes, I am talking about:
IMAGE SONGS!!!!
For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about, an image song is a song that the seiyuu for a given anime character sings as if said character were singing him/herself. Dude, that sounds confusing. Okay, so an image song for Akira Touya would be sung by Akira Touya’s seiyuu. And it would be as if Akira himself were singing about his motivations or goals or beliefs, turning fangirls everywhere into a wibbling mass of wibbleness. AKIRA I LUV U!!! (wibbles) Cough! Anyway, an image song can be silly or serious or whatever. A lot of them are actually kinda crappy because the seiyuu can’t really sing (I would hate to be in that position….”Sing this, fool!”…””Dude, I’m an actor, not a singer! Besides, my character is an angsty teen prodigy who would not be caught dead singing such drivel”…”Sing, or we take away your $$$!”…”This was so not in my contract”…)
Now, a lot of big series have loads of image songs. However, I can think of one big series that doesn’t. Yes, the series in question is:
NARUTO!!!
Why was such an outlet for making much $$$ overlooked? Well, it shall be overlooked no more! This series is ripe for the picking -it has everything that is needed for marketing image songs, namely a ridiculously huge cast and a equally large rabid fanbase. Now, my friends, follow me on the path to $$$!
Step 1: Character Singles
The logical place to start would be to have separate CDs for each character, so people can pick and choose their favorites. More importantly, there are so many characters in “Naruto” that you can make a billion different CDs. Each CD need not be complicated: it can have a song or two sung by the seiyuu (with karaoke tracks included, of course, so people think they are getting more for their $$$...poor suckers...), possibly a random instrumental piece ripped off the OST, and a vocal “message” from the character (basically just the character or seiyuu ad-libbing about themselves for a minute, set to random music.
Now, what order should these image singles be introduced in? Well, it makes sense to do the most popular characters first, to garner attention. I think it’s safe to make Naruto, Sasuke, and maybe Sakura and Kakashi separate CDs and release them one by one for starters. Less popular characters might not get their own CDs. We might have to group the rest into sets or something (i.e. The Random Mist Country Side Characters Compilation, The Random Filler Characters Compilation, etc.). That strategy works because more consumers would buy any one CD just to get the songs from their one favorite character (like I would have to buy the Team 8 CD to get my Hinata fix, even though I would normally never go for Kiba or Shino stuff) Then again, if the fans are rabid enough to buy anything, we could go ahead and give each person their own CD. Whatever maximizes the $$$.
Looking back at our predecessors, we can learn a bit from previous image song marketing strategies. “Digimon” maxed out the possibilities in that it released an image song CD for everything character (plus the Digimon partner) for every season, meaning that the repeat cast in Season 1 and 2 got two separate CDs, one for each season, for no apparent reason. Then they released all the songs together on an album at the very end. You know there are people out there who bought all the CDs and the album just to complete their collections. Yes, they will give us much $$$.
On the other end of the spectrum, I have no clue what “Bleach” is trying to do with its image songs. It released CDs for a bunch of random characters in seemingly no set order (Ichigo, Renji, Ishida, Kon/Hamatarou, Gin, Ichigo again <-- I know, that makes zero sense unless he’s more wildly popular than I ever suspected, now Hinamori/Hitsugaya/Rangiku). Then again, maybe their crazy strategy is making more $$$ than anyone else. I can’t really tell. Or maybe I’m just bitter because I really wanted a Hinamori/Aizen CD. Preferably with a moving Hinamori/Aizen duet. Which is a nice segue into the following topic:
Step 2: Duets
Here, we get to hear our favorite pairings (not necessarily in the romantic sense, of course) sing together! Now, we could release these all on one album, or in groups of three on separate CDs. Once again, whatever maximizes the $$$.
Some pairs that I think might work:
Naruto and Sasuke: We will make the lyrics ambiguously slashy in order to attract hoards of fangirls!!!
Sakura and Ino: This could either be really cute or really scary…
Tsunade and Jiraiya: This, on the other hand, will be just plain scary.
Sasuke and Itachi: Get ready for an angst fest.
Hinata and Neji: Angst fest Hyuuga remix!
Hinata and Naruto: I’m so biased, tee hee. (is smacked by righteous Narusaku fans)
Any of the teams: Group songs sung by the members + instructor of each of the teams would be appropriate. Haha, I want to hear an Akatsuki group rap (see Step 4).
Step 3: Boys’ Side and Girls’ Side
Here we have one album for songs by the “Naruto” girls and one for the “Naruto” boys. Yes, this has seriously been done before. I cannot take credit for the geniusness of my predecessors.
So, yeah, this can be new stuff or reused material ripped from old CDs. Mostly just an excuse to make funny covers of all the “Naruto” girls wearing pretty kimono and the boys doing Gai’s trademark “nice guy” pose. Not much more to say.
Step 4: The Crack CDs
I’ve saved the stupidest for last in hopes that the momentum from the other sales will keep the franchise going to the very end. Then again, there are probably people who just get the stupid stuff so they can make fun of it. So yeah, whatever, use your imagination to come up with whatever crack you can here:
The Naruto Karaoke Party! - The Naruto gang covers the series’ extensive list of theme songs! Sasuke sings “Rocks,” Naruto does “Haruka Kanata,” and Sakura and Ino duet on “Harumonia”! Not that cracky, but I do love good covers. Or we could have:
The Akatsuki Karaoke Party! - Because the world isn’t complete until Kisame sings “Ryuusei” with Itachi on backup vocals. Ooh, the mental scarring…
Gai’s Calisthenics Song of Youth! - Do your exercises to it in the morning! It’s entertaining AND healthy!
Kakashi’s Pervy Song! - Kakashi sings about his pervy interests, while a poor Iruka tries to bleep out the bad parts to save the ears of young listeners. Actually, that’s a really disconcerting idea, so:
Naruto Ondo: the REPRISE!!! - “Naruto Ondo” is the epitome of crack, and I didn’t even come up with it! Let’s get some more rapping Shikamaru in here!
P.S.: I love you, Paku Romi, I really do. But does Hitsugaya really have to shriek like that on the high notes?
In the anime/manga world, series with large casts are prime targets for massive merchandising. Don’t deny it! The more characters you have, the more random figures/artbooks/lunchboxes/gummy head-shaped snacks you can make (that’s why the Pokémon guy is probably rich by now…from gummy head snacks...why do people even listen to me?). Anyway, crazed fans don’t necessarily care how silly or useless a product is, as long as it features their favorite series or character (I speak from experience…you won’t believe how many Burger King kids’ meals I ate because I wanted the cheap light-up Charmander…which I still never got…sob) Thus, massive amounts of $$$ can be made from naïve consumers for relatively little investment into whatever crappy product you’re making. It’s a shrewd marketing move with enormous potential!
Of course, we have figures/artbooks/lunchboxes/gummy head-shaped snack things for most popular series, so those avenues have already been exhausted. However, there is one mode of operation that is constantly overlooked. Yes, I am talking about:
IMAGE SONGS!!!!
For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about, an image song is a song that the seiyuu for a given anime character sings as if said character were singing him/herself. Dude, that sounds confusing. Okay, so an image song for Akira Touya would be sung by Akira Touya’s seiyuu. And it would be as if Akira himself were singing about his motivations or goals or beliefs, turning fangirls everywhere into a wibbling mass of wibbleness. AKIRA I LUV U!!! (wibbles) Cough! Anyway, an image song can be silly or serious or whatever. A lot of them are actually kinda crappy because the seiyuu can’t really sing (I would hate to be in that position….”Sing this, fool!”…””Dude, I’m an actor, not a singer! Besides, my character is an angsty teen prodigy who would not be caught dead singing such drivel”…”Sing, or we take away your $$$!”…”This was so not in my contract”…)
Now, a lot of big series have loads of image songs. However, I can think of one big series that doesn’t. Yes, the series in question is:
NARUTO!!!
Why was such an outlet for making much $$$ overlooked? Well, it shall be overlooked no more! This series is ripe for the picking -it has everything that is needed for marketing image songs, namely a ridiculously huge cast and a equally large rabid fanbase. Now, my friends, follow me on the path to $$$!
Step 1: Character Singles
The logical place to start would be to have separate CDs for each character, so people can pick and choose their favorites. More importantly, there are so many characters in “Naruto” that you can make a billion different CDs. Each CD need not be complicated: it can have a song or two sung by the seiyuu (with karaoke tracks included, of course, so people think they are getting more for their $$$...poor suckers...), possibly a random instrumental piece ripped off the OST, and a vocal “message” from the character (basically just the character or seiyuu ad-libbing about themselves for a minute, set to random music.
Now, what order should these image singles be introduced in? Well, it makes sense to do the most popular characters first, to garner attention. I think it’s safe to make Naruto, Sasuke, and maybe Sakura and Kakashi separate CDs and release them one by one for starters. Less popular characters might not get their own CDs. We might have to group the rest into sets or something (i.e. The Random Mist Country Side Characters Compilation, The Random Filler Characters Compilation, etc.). That strategy works because more consumers would buy any one CD just to get the songs from their one favorite character (like I would have to buy the Team 8 CD to get my Hinata fix, even though I would normally never go for Kiba or Shino stuff) Then again, if the fans are rabid enough to buy anything, we could go ahead and give each person their own CD. Whatever maximizes the $$$.
Looking back at our predecessors, we can learn a bit from previous image song marketing strategies. “Digimon” maxed out the possibilities in that it released an image song CD for everything character (plus the Digimon partner) for every season, meaning that the repeat cast in Season 1 and 2 got two separate CDs, one for each season, for no apparent reason. Then they released all the songs together on an album at the very end. You know there are people out there who bought all the CDs and the album just to complete their collections. Yes, they will give us much $$$.
On the other end of the spectrum, I have no clue what “Bleach” is trying to do with its image songs. It released CDs for a bunch of random characters in seemingly no set order (Ichigo, Renji, Ishida, Kon/Hamatarou, Gin, Ichigo again <-- I know, that makes zero sense unless he’s more wildly popular than I ever suspected, now Hinamori/Hitsugaya/Rangiku). Then again, maybe their crazy strategy is making more $$$ than anyone else. I can’t really tell. Or maybe I’m just bitter because I really wanted a Hinamori/Aizen CD. Preferably with a moving Hinamori/Aizen duet. Which is a nice segue into the following topic:
Step 2: Duets
Here, we get to hear our favorite pairings (not necessarily in the romantic sense, of course) sing together! Now, we could release these all on one album, or in groups of three on separate CDs. Once again, whatever maximizes the $$$.
Some pairs that I think might work:
Naruto and Sasuke: We will make the lyrics ambiguously slashy in order to attract hoards of fangirls!!!
Sakura and Ino: This could either be really cute or really scary…
Tsunade and Jiraiya: This, on the other hand, will be just plain scary.
Sasuke and Itachi: Get ready for an angst fest.
Hinata and Neji: Angst fest Hyuuga remix!
Hinata and Naruto: I’m so biased, tee hee. (is smacked by righteous Narusaku fans)
Any of the teams: Group songs sung by the members + instructor of each of the teams would be appropriate. Haha, I want to hear an Akatsuki group rap (see Step 4).
Step 3: Boys’ Side and Girls’ Side
Here we have one album for songs by the “Naruto” girls and one for the “Naruto” boys. Yes, this has seriously been done before. I cannot take credit for the geniusness of my predecessors.
So, yeah, this can be new stuff or reused material ripped from old CDs. Mostly just an excuse to make funny covers of all the “Naruto” girls wearing pretty kimono and the boys doing Gai’s trademark “nice guy” pose. Not much more to say.
Step 4: The Crack CDs
I’ve saved the stupidest for last in hopes that the momentum from the other sales will keep the franchise going to the very end. Then again, there are probably people who just get the stupid stuff so they can make fun of it. So yeah, whatever, use your imagination to come up with whatever crack you can here:
The Naruto Karaoke Party! - The Naruto gang covers the series’ extensive list of theme songs! Sasuke sings “Rocks,” Naruto does “Haruka Kanata,” and Sakura and Ino duet on “Harumonia”! Not that cracky, but I do love good covers. Or we could have:
The Akatsuki Karaoke Party! - Because the world isn’t complete until Kisame sings “Ryuusei” with Itachi on backup vocals. Ooh, the mental scarring…
Gai’s Calisthenics Song of Youth! - Do your exercises to it in the morning! It’s entertaining AND healthy!
Kakashi’s Pervy Song! - Kakashi sings about his pervy interests, while a poor Iruka tries to bleep out the bad parts to save the ears of young listeners. Actually, that’s a really disconcerting idea, so:
Naruto Ondo: the REPRISE!!! - “Naruto Ondo” is the epitome of crack, and I didn’t even come up with it! Let’s get some more rapping Shikamaru in here!
P.S.: I love you, Paku Romi, I really do. But does Hitsugaya really have to shriek like that on the high notes?