Fic: The third who walks always beside you 15/19
Title The third who walks always beside you 15/18
Fandom X-Men First Class
Pairings Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier/Gabrielle Haller, in all possible combinations.
World count of chapter 4454
Word count of entire fic approximately 100 000
Rating/warnings NC-17. Sexual situations, mental illness, professional misconduct, period homophobia, ableism and racism as well as casual misogyny, discussion of genocide and sexual abuse.
Disclaimer Marvels owns it, not I.
Summary After a chance meeting, the recently reunited mutant school-master and leader of the Brotherhood both become fascinated by Gabrielle Haller, a human who has demons of her own to fight. As Erik finds himself pulled between his mutant identity and his human heritage, Charles wrestles with his own ethical code and his attraction to his friend. The innocent distraction between the three of them rapidly grows more complicated and, ultimately, altogether more sinister.
Author's notes Surprise, surprise, this fic isn't dead. I feel rotten about the delay in posting (as I keep saying). A combination of various RL factors (a busy year, illness, family stuff) and drifting out of the X-Men fandom is the reason. I promise, the whole thing will be posted eventually (and I hope soon, but I dare not promise any deadline).
At times, Charles marveled at his own conscience. For months, he had been slipping into Erik and Gaby’s minds, shadowing them around town and piggybacking inside their heads as they made love. He had felt ashamed of that, knowing that it was a misuse of his powers, but not enough to stop. In general, he was used to secrets not existing - it was surprising how loudly non-telepaths could think, especially when they did not want anyone to hear. But now, when he knew that Erik was actively keeping something from him, he could not find it in himself to read his mind. Not even his surface thoughts betrayed anything. Charles had long suspected that also non-psychic mutants had stronger mental defenses than humans. Was this further proof of this, or was Charles just avoiding something that was there?
There was no denying that Erik obviously had something on his mind. Charles assumed it was something to do with the service or with Gaby, but more than that he did not know. Erik’s mood provided no clues either. It happened that Charles saw him smile to himself, without anything around him provoking it. At other times, he would brood, and then his worry seemed to itch against Charles’ mind. He could sense it, but could not (or would not let himself) reach it. Most of the time he was trying not to think about it, telling himself that Erik had the right of privacy. But it was difficult not to reflect sometimes that Erik was spending more time with Gaby than he had before. Perhaps he was just being protective, after what had happened to her, even if she was completely well now. Besides, it was not as if they were excluding him, apart from the ways he was naturally excluded. They went dancing once or twice, and Erik went with Gaby for Friday dinner with one of her fellow congregants the following two weeks. They met as they always had, and on occasion Gaby spent the night. A few times, Erik stayed even when Gaby did not, but then Charles always sensed his unease. It felt, he realised finally, like a set of scales. Erik had said it himself, that he had a decision to make, and Charles’ presence seemed to upset the balance, making the usually less favoured option weigh heavier than usual.
The next two weeks, Charles continued to wonder what was going on in Erik’s mind but remained reluctant to break in and find out. Most of the time he pushed it away, managing not to think about it, but when on the edge of sleep, the query would present itself stronger. It always brought with it a strong sense of loneliness, which he could not quite explain. On the night of the third Sunday after Erik’s cryptic announcement, the questions had been haunting him as usual. Finally, Charles shrugged them off and was just slipping off, when there was a knock on the door. He decided to ignore it, unwilling to acknowledge that anyone would knock on his door at midnight. Another, more insistent knock, broke the silence. It was followed by Erik’s voice.
‘Charles?’ He opened his eyes and raised his head, a little confused. ‘Charles, I’m in my dressing-gown. Let me come in before someone sees me like this.’
Charles rubbed his eyes and started pulling himself up into a sitting position.
Fine. Come inside.
The door unlocked, and Erik slipped in, locking it again behind him. Even through the dark Charles could see that he was only in his pyjamas and dressing-gown. He switched on the light, and saw to his surprise how haunted his face looked. It was a wonder that he had not sensed that at once.
‘Are you alright?’ he asked. Erik looked away for a moment and then said:
‘I need to talk to you.’
‘Of course.’ Charles drew back the covers and nodded to him. A little reluctantly, Erik crawled into bed and settled, arms crossed over his chest. ‘So. What’s the matter?’
His shoulders slumped, but his eyes remained fixed in front of him. He struggled to speak, and when he finally did, there was a tremble to his voice.
‘You must swear not to repeat this to anyone.’
‘Of course,’ Charles said. ‘I’d never betray a confidence.’ Erik closed his eyes and nodded, grateful. They sat in silence for a long time. ‘Has anything happened?’ he asked after a long time. ‘With the Brotherhood...?’
‘This isn’t about them,’ he almost snapped.
‘Alright,’ Charles said measuredly. ‘Then what is it?’ Erik sighed and rested his head in his hands. Finally, he looked at him, fierceness mixed with terror.
‘What if we were wrong, Charles?’ he whispered. ‘About us.’
‘Us?’
‘Mutants,’ he whispered. ‘At times I wonder... I wish... that we are not the next step of evolution. That we are simply something which went wrong. What if we are the end of humanity, without being the start of something else? Perhaps it is all the other way around, and I am at fault.’
Charles stared at him. He could not believe that the man saying this things was Magneto, the great advocate of the homo superior.
‘Erik...’ He had to pause to gather his thoughts. ‘That’s nonsense. You don’t sound like yourself. What on earth has happened to make you think these things?’
Erik sighed, massaging his forehead.
‘Isn’t it obvious?’ he asked.
‘Oh,’ Charles said. A sense of disappointment started spreading in his chest. ‘This is about Gaby.’
‘Yes.’
‘You’ve been spending a lot of time together recently.’ It was just a statement, but it burned in his throat. Erik nodded mutely. ‘Do you enjoy it?’
‘Yes,’ he said again. ‘It’s strange, the sense of being part of something. And not in the same way as being part of a group of mutants. I know that my descendants will be mutants, but my forefathers were not. They were human. They were Jews. Being that again...’ Charles watched him. He saw the longing in him to be not a semi-divine creature of evolution, but a human being who had a covenant with God. He also saw the version of the future he imagined. An ordinary house, a mezuzah on the doorframe, the noise of children...
Charles stared at him in shocked surprise.
‘You want to marry her,’ he whispered. Erik looked away, but he did not contradict him. Carefully, afraid that he might make him bolt, Charles reached out towards him and touched his shoulder. ‘Erik...’
‘I know we said it wouldn’t be that way,’ Erik murmured.
‘We’ve already broken that promise, you and I.’ Charles swallowed noisily. ‘Besides, I can’t stay here forever. Sooner or later, I will need to go back to the school. This was never going to last.’ Erik sat quietly, not looking at him. ‘How long have you been thinking about this?’
‘Since she...’ He struggled to find the words. ‘Since she fell ill, I think.’ Charles nodded. To himself he thought that this meant that he had thought about it first. He wondered momentarily if he should tell Erik that, but decided against it.
‘You’ve only known her for a few months,’ he observed insetad.
‘It’s enough,’ Erik said with a shrug. ‘My parents had never met unchaperoned before they married.’
‘Those were different times.’ Erik only nodded morosely. Charles’ words had been doubly true.
‘They were,’ he said. ‘Gaby thinks that this is a better world. She thinks that she could emigrate and all would be well. As if all that death burned away the hate and purified the world. I can’t see how she could think that.’
‘Because she needs to think it,’ Charles answered, suddenly annoyed at Erik’s vehemence against the woman he claimed he loved. ‘She wants to be safe, and believing that is the only way she can feel it.’
‘But don’t we all want to feel safe?’ Erik exclaimed, suddenly flaring up. ‘We all want to belong to something, to a group that can protect us. Isn’t that what this is all about?’
When Charles looked at him now, he did not look away. They sat in silence, simply watching each other, which Charles tried to decied what to say. He did not know where to start, and which conflicting desire to address first.
‘You make it sound like you want to be human,’ he observed finally. Erik closed his eyes with a sigh. ‘Don’t you realise how ridiculous that is?’ Charles continued. ‘You can’t wish yourself into another form of being. Are you truly imagining that you could simply stop being a mutant by hiding that side of you? That you could put it all aside and live a normal life? You can’t be something you’re not!’ He caught sight of Erik’s face, and closed his mouth. He had not meant to say any of those things, but still he had lost his temper. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, and looked away.
‘Were you really talking about my being a mutant?’ Erik asked quietly. ‘Not about anything else?’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ Charles said dismissively, even if he did. They sat in embarrassed silence for a moment or so, the subject of their affair hovering between them. Fianlly, Erik spoke again.
‘Of course I realise how ridiculous it is. But I would like to be the kind of man she would love.’
‘She does love you,’ Charles reminded him, still not looking at him.
‘She would not love Magneto.’ That made him look up. He had not thought about that. ‘Do you not see, Charles, that it could never happen? She would hate me if she knew, and my followers would hate her if they saw her. If I married her, what would the Brotherhood do to her?’ Erik’s thoughts were strong enough that the gruesome images forced themselves into Charles’ mind. As if it were a physical blow threatening to hit him, he held up his hand to protect himself, and mentally pushed the images aside. ‘I would destroy her, Charles. Mutants would hate her, and humans would hate her. She would be a racial traitor or a devolved sapien. She wants to be safe, you say. If I married her, she would lose every shred of protection. Everyone would want to hunt her down. You can’t think that my will to feel part of something is so big that I would risk that. And to give up everything I have worked for, even for her...’ He turned towards Charles. For a long, drawn-out moment, they watched each other. ‘It’d never happen,’ he sighed. Charles hesitated for a moment, then put his hand on his shoulder. Erik pressed his hand briefly before brushing it off. In his movements he sensed his fear of meeting the world alone, once again, as he had all these years. He reached out again and caught his hand.
‘Erik, it’s never preferable to be alone.’ Erik shook his head.
‘But there is no way...’
‘Then don’t marry her!’ he urged. He had meant to make it sound like an innocent suggestion, but at the thought of it, he laughed, giddy with the idea of a shared future. ‘Come with me. We don’t have to be enemies. Run the school with me. We can make it all better....’
Erik shook his head.
‘We couldn’t, Charles,’ he said. ‘It’s just a silly dream.’ He shook off his hands, not heeding the tears rising in Charles’ eyes.
‘But you can’t be alone,’ he whispered.
‘Am I?’ Erik asked, looking him in the eye. ‘Now?’
‘No,’ he said and touched his face. Erik shifted closer, until they sat forehead to forehead, nose to nose. Charles wondered what cruel twist of fate had made it so that just when he finally acepted his love for Erik, Erik started entertaining ideas of marriage, however hypothetical they may be. It had all seemed so easy when they had decided on this.
‘Will you stay?’ Charles murmured.
‘For a while,’ Erik whispered back and shifted to rest his head against his chest. He lay there, running his fingers through his hair. Charles thought through what he had said, and felt disgusted at himself. How could he even attempt to deny Gaby that? Was he really so selfish? He thought about her and about Erik, as his lovers and each others’. If it were not for the Brotherhood, they had every opportunity to be very happy. He wondered if there was something he could say to undo his previous words. After a long time, he said:
‘You would be beautiful together.’ Erik snorted.
‘Our children would be born scarred.’
‘Don’t joke about such things.’
‘I wasn’t joking.’
They did not speak more. When Charles fell asleep, Erik was lying in his arms. In the morning when he woke up, there was no sign that he had ever lain beside him.
***
The following days, it felt as if Erik’s confession had not truly happened, but only been a confused dream brought on by Charles’ own worry. All seemed like it always had, even if he did not see much of either of his lovers. In a way, it was a relief. Telepaths were in need of solitude, and constantly sleeping with other minds close by disturbed his sleep.
Thursday was such a day. He woke up on his own accord, undisturbed by other people’s dreams, and bathed and dressed leisurely before ringing for breakfast. Erik had lent him Kim by Ruyard Kipling, which he did not know when he last read, so now he settled down with it over the breakfast. He was on the second chapter and the third cup of tea when there was a knock on the door.
‘Come in!’ He unlocked the wheels and swung around his chair in time to see Gaby enter. Her clothes were hastily put on and her hair was uncombed. Charles had sensed her unease, but her wide and shocked eyes, and the lips, pressed tightly together, still shocked him.
‘Gaby, whatever’s the matter?’ She did not answer yet, but remained by the closed door, as if she thought she might be trespassing. Quickly, Charles put the bookmark between the pages and closed the door, then moved a chair by its armrest to face him. ‘Come, sit down. Would you like some tea?’
‘No,’ she said numbly and sat down. ‘Thank you.’ She spoke as if her mind was not quite connected to her body, and she witnessed the events around her through a filter.
‘I wasn’t expecting you,’ Charles said, hoping it would prompt her to speak. At once, she looked away, and a brief blush passed over her cheeks.
‘I spent the night in Erik’s room,’ she admitted.
‘Good,’ Charles said, trying his very best to sound encouraging. ‘No reason why you shouldn’t.’ But she did not look calmed, and Charles felt her worry spread to him. ‘Unless... What happened, Gaby?’ Something must have. Had Erik brought up the question of engagement, despite the doubts he had had? No, Charles could no see Gaby reacting like this to a proposal, even if it might surprise her. Had he told her that he was a mutant? Had something altogether more unpleasant happened? He felt ashamed to even think it, but by how frightened Gaby seemed, it was a natural worry. Still, he shook it off. Erik might be unpredictable, but he was not violent towards those he cared for.
While he tried to guess, Gaby had tried to compose herself. Finally she started speaking, her voice quiet but steady.
‘I spent the night with Erik,’ she repeated. ‘When we went to bed, he simply couldn’t sleep. He woke up every few minutes in a panic, kicking and screaming. I had to try to calm him down...’
‘That must have been awful for you,’ Charles said compassionately. ‘You should have let me know.’
‘I didn’t want to bother you,’ she said, looking down in her lap. ‘I thought about it, but... Well, finally, he fell asleep and stayed that way, and I fell asleep too. When I woke up, I knew I had to leave to get home and change before work, but he was still fast asleep, and I just couldn’t wake him. Yesterday, he was so exhausted, and I thought that just letting him sleep would be kindest. So I thought that I’d write him a note, to tell him that I’d gone. I went to the desk, and looked for pen and paper in the drawers...’ She fell silent, and she went a little paler. Charles waited for the rest of the story, but all she did was to stare at her hands.
‘And what then?’ he asked softly. She did not answer. ‘Gaby, what was in the drawers?’ Now she looked up at him and let out a trembling breath.
‘Passports,’ she said. ‘Four of them. An American one, an Israeli one, a French one and a Swiss one.’ Charles watched her, hoping for more. His inability to draw the conclusions she had drawn seemed to annoy her. ‘The only way a person could have that many passports would be if some of them were forged.’
‘Did you look at them?’ Charles asked, stroking his chin and considering it. This was undoubtedly worrying. It was a shard of a different life, which Gaby had not been told about.
‘They were all his,’ Gaby said. ‘It was even the same picture in all of them. There was no doubt. And all of them had been used. He’d travelled all around the world with them.’ They looked at each other. Gaby was once again the one to offer an explanation. ‘Don’t you see what this means?’ she asked. ‘He’s lied to us. He’s not a businessman. Why would someone like that have four passports? No. The only people who have that are spies and criminals.’
‘And which one do you think Erik is?’
Gaby shrugged.
‘Does it matter?’ she asked. ‘In any case, he’s lied to us.’
‘Perhaps it’s something he’s not able to tell us,’ Charles reasoned. It felt cruel to pretend to be ignorant when he was not, but even if he could have explained to Gaby precisely why Erik would want to travel without being able to be traced, he would not. That story was not his to tell, and anyhow, he would rather that Gaby did not know about that part of Erik’s life. ‘If he’s secret intelligence, then he certainly would not.’ Gaby seemed to think about it.
‘I suppose so,’ she said slowly. ‘But we’re all so close...’
‘I’m sure he has a good reason for keeping it from us,’ Charles said. Gaby looked at him, frowning.
‘You don’t seem at all surprised by this,’ she observed. Charles laughed nervously.
‘Well, it’s something which wouldn’t surprise me about Erik, I suppose,’ he said, trying to sound light-hearted.
‘Has he ever told you anything?’ she pressed. ‘You’ve known each other for so long...’
‘As a rule, Erik doesn’t talk business with me,’ he lied. ‘Gaby, I think that the best course of action would be to forget about all this.’
‘Why?’ she asked, startled.
‘It feels like something not meant for us to know,’ he said, even if he knew that this sounded a little forced. ‘You weren’t meant to see those passports...’
‘I wasn’t snooping,’ she said sharply. ‘It was an accident!’
‘Then isn’t it better that you let it go?’
‘But I want to know why he hasn’t told me the truth!’ she explained. ‘Or even, told us the truth. Doesn’t that disturb you?’
‘Erik is a very private person. I don’t expect him to tell me everything...’
‘But something like this, Charles! What it implies...’
He was just about to answer, when there was a sharp knock on the door and the creaking of hinges. Charles looked up and Gaby turned, just when Erik stepped in. He seemed simply to have put on the clothes he had found, and the only attention his hair had had was a hair run through it. He did not look well-rested, but his face lit up with relief when he saw them.
‘Good morning,’ he said. ‘I hope I’m not interrupting. I was looking for you, Gaby...’ Suddenly noticing how Gaby’s face did not change, Erik fell silent. He looked from one to the other and finally asked: ‘Has something happened?’ Charles wheeled a little closer.
‘Erik...’ But before he had time to say or do anything, Gaby said:
‘Tell me about the passports.’ Erik’s concern turned into surprise.
‘What?’
‘The passports,’ Gaby all but hissed.
‘What passports?’ Erik asked.
‘The ones in your desk-drawer!’ she said and pointed in the direction of his room. He frowned, obviously about to ask how she could know. ‘I saw them,’ she said. ‘What do they mean?’ Erik did not answer, but just stared at her as if he did not want this to be happening. When he did not speak, Gaby pressed on. ‘You lied to me. You’re not a businessman at all. I should have known - you don’t act it, or sound it.’ Erik pressed his mouth shut, defiant in his silence.
‘Gaby...’ Charles said, reaching out to touch her arm, but she took a step towards Erik, evading his grip.
‘What are you keeping from us?’ she asked. ‘What would you need four passports for? What are you?’
Erik’s expression did not change, but Charles could see the storm in his eyes. He was fighting against the truth, and the answer he actually wanted to give. Erik looked at Charles, his gaze communicating his distress. He could do nothing else than look back at him and lightly touch his mind.
‘I needed them for revenge,’ he finally said. Gaby frowned. Now that she had an answer, however, vague, her disapproval lifted, but she still looked sceptical.
‘Revenge?’ she repeated.
Still looking at Charles, he answered:
‘I track down Nazis.’
Gaby’s eyes grew. A short, surprised laugh escaped her.
‘You’re a... Nazi hunter?’ she said slowly.
‘I suppose that’s the phrase,’ Erik said and shrugged, eyes on the floor. Like this, with crinkled clothes and uncombed hair, fearing rejection from a lover, he looked nothing like it. Charles could understand why Gaby found it difficult to believe. Their first (and indeed later) impressions of Erik were very different. She took a step closer, looking at him with new respect, but also with a new wariness.
‘So... are you Mossad? If you’re allowed to say, of course...’
Erik shook his head.
‘I’m not Mossad.’
‘CIA?’
‘No.’ Gaby frowned.
‘Then... who do you liaise with?’ Now it was Erik who frowned.
‘Liaise with?’ he repeated, as if he did not understand her.
‘Yes - to hand them over,’ she explained. ‘To get them to the authorities.’ Charles realised too late where this was heading, but he did not have time to realise what the helpless look Erik cast him meant. He turned his eyes from Charles and stepped closer to Gaby. He had an air about him of a man surrendering.
‘I don’t hand them over to the authorities.’
‘Then what...?’ The impact of the realisation was so strong that Charles sensed it without even reaching out. Before Gaby’s eyes, her lover transformed into a killer. She took a step backwards. ‘No...’ she whispered. ‘You don’t mean...’ Erik’s gaze remained steady on her, and he did not contradict her. ‘Erik, you can’t have...!’
‘Every single one of them deserved it,’ he said calmly. He took a step towards her. She recoiled from his outstretched hand, as if it were covered in blood. She stared at it and then, mastering her terror, looked him in the eye.
‘How many people have you killed?’
‘Nazis,’ he intoned. ‘I’ve never taken an innocent life. They have all been guilty.’
‘But...!’ she exclaimed, struggling for words. Her breathing was becoming shallow, but her anger was greater than her panic. ‘That doesn’t give you the right to kill them!’ Erik’s equilibrium broke.
‘Do I not have the right, after what they did to us?’ he roared. ‘They deserved it!’
‘I don’t care if they deserved it,’ Gaby shouted back. ‘That’s not the point! You can’t just kill people, punish them without a fair trial...’
‘Trials are too good for them. Besides, they would have been hanged anyway,’ Erik retorted. ‘Why wait, and deny me the satisfaction?’
‘Because they have the right to be tried!’ A sudden sob rose, and she pressed her hand against her mouth to quench it. It came out sounding almost as a scream. ‘Oh, God,’ she whispered. ‘Erik, how could you...?’ As if the sight of her tears humbled her, his shoulder slumped and his anger abated. There was something tender in his eyes when he stepped closer. His hand was almost on her shoulder when she backed away.
‘Don’t touch me,’ she shouted, raising a hand to shield herself. His face fell.
‘Don’t you think they deserve to suffer?’ he asked. ‘Like we suffered?’
‘What does it matter what I think?’ she sobbed. ‘I want them to suffer, yes, but that’s irrelevant. If you take the law into your own hands like that and decide who is to live and who is to die, what makes you different from them?’ She looked at him defiantly. He offered no answer.
‘Gaby...’ he whispered.
‘No,’ she said firmly, wiping the tears off her cheeks. ‘Stop it.’ She crossed to where she had left her bag and hat. ‘I’m sorry, Charles,’ she said, new tears already falling. Then she turned and made for the door.
‘Gaby, wait!’ Charles called and unlocked the wheels on his chair. Even before the door closed, he heard the clatter of her heels as she ran down the corridor, sobbing. There was no way for him to give pursuit. Instead, he turned to Erik. He was facing the door, watching it as if it was some impenetrable obstacle. ‘Erik?’ Charles said cautiously. ‘Are you alright?’
Erik swallowed. The fantasy of his human future, which already had cracks running through it, fractured and fell apart. This had been bad enough to make her run away from him, and she did not even know that he was a mutant. It was like with Magda, who had turned away from him in disgust, only much worse, because he had expected Gaby to understand. A hatred for his actions, actions which Charles had never accused him of committing, even if they had never met with his approval, had been seen in her eyes, and that cut deep into his soul.
Earnestly, he shook his head.
Next chapter
Fandom X-Men First Class
Pairings Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier/Gabrielle Haller, in all possible combinations.
World count of chapter 4454
Word count of entire fic approximately 100 000
Rating/warnings NC-17. Sexual situations, mental illness, professional misconduct, period homophobia, ableism and racism as well as casual misogyny, discussion of genocide and sexual abuse.
Disclaimer Marvels owns it, not I.
Summary After a chance meeting, the recently reunited mutant school-master and leader of the Brotherhood both become fascinated by Gabrielle Haller, a human who has demons of her own to fight. As Erik finds himself pulled between his mutant identity and his human heritage, Charles wrestles with his own ethical code and his attraction to his friend. The innocent distraction between the three of them rapidly grows more complicated and, ultimately, altogether more sinister.
Author's notes Surprise, surprise, this fic isn't dead. I feel rotten about the delay in posting (as I keep saying). A combination of various RL factors (a busy year, illness, family stuff) and drifting out of the X-Men fandom is the reason. I promise, the whole thing will be posted eventually (and I hope soon, but I dare not promise any deadline).
At times, Charles marveled at his own conscience. For months, he had been slipping into Erik and Gaby’s minds, shadowing them around town and piggybacking inside their heads as they made love. He had felt ashamed of that, knowing that it was a misuse of his powers, but not enough to stop. In general, he was used to secrets not existing - it was surprising how loudly non-telepaths could think, especially when they did not want anyone to hear. But now, when he knew that Erik was actively keeping something from him, he could not find it in himself to read his mind. Not even his surface thoughts betrayed anything. Charles had long suspected that also non-psychic mutants had stronger mental defenses than humans. Was this further proof of this, or was Charles just avoiding something that was there?
There was no denying that Erik obviously had something on his mind. Charles assumed it was something to do with the service or with Gaby, but more than that he did not know. Erik’s mood provided no clues either. It happened that Charles saw him smile to himself, without anything around him provoking it. At other times, he would brood, and then his worry seemed to itch against Charles’ mind. He could sense it, but could not (or would not let himself) reach it. Most of the time he was trying not to think about it, telling himself that Erik had the right of privacy. But it was difficult not to reflect sometimes that Erik was spending more time with Gaby than he had before. Perhaps he was just being protective, after what had happened to her, even if she was completely well now. Besides, it was not as if they were excluding him, apart from the ways he was naturally excluded. They went dancing once or twice, and Erik went with Gaby for Friday dinner with one of her fellow congregants the following two weeks. They met as they always had, and on occasion Gaby spent the night. A few times, Erik stayed even when Gaby did not, but then Charles always sensed his unease. It felt, he realised finally, like a set of scales. Erik had said it himself, that he had a decision to make, and Charles’ presence seemed to upset the balance, making the usually less favoured option weigh heavier than usual.
The next two weeks, Charles continued to wonder what was going on in Erik’s mind but remained reluctant to break in and find out. Most of the time he pushed it away, managing not to think about it, but when on the edge of sleep, the query would present itself stronger. It always brought with it a strong sense of loneliness, which he could not quite explain. On the night of the third Sunday after Erik’s cryptic announcement, the questions had been haunting him as usual. Finally, Charles shrugged them off and was just slipping off, when there was a knock on the door. He decided to ignore it, unwilling to acknowledge that anyone would knock on his door at midnight. Another, more insistent knock, broke the silence. It was followed by Erik’s voice.
‘Charles?’ He opened his eyes and raised his head, a little confused. ‘Charles, I’m in my dressing-gown. Let me come in before someone sees me like this.’
Charles rubbed his eyes and started pulling himself up into a sitting position.
Fine. Come inside.
The door unlocked, and Erik slipped in, locking it again behind him. Even through the dark Charles could see that he was only in his pyjamas and dressing-gown. He switched on the light, and saw to his surprise how haunted his face looked. It was a wonder that he had not sensed that at once.
‘Are you alright?’ he asked. Erik looked away for a moment and then said:
‘I need to talk to you.’
‘Of course.’ Charles drew back the covers and nodded to him. A little reluctantly, Erik crawled into bed and settled, arms crossed over his chest. ‘So. What’s the matter?’
His shoulders slumped, but his eyes remained fixed in front of him. He struggled to speak, and when he finally did, there was a tremble to his voice.
‘You must swear not to repeat this to anyone.’
‘Of course,’ Charles said. ‘I’d never betray a confidence.’ Erik closed his eyes and nodded, grateful. They sat in silence for a long time. ‘Has anything happened?’ he asked after a long time. ‘With the Brotherhood...?’
‘This isn’t about them,’ he almost snapped.
‘Alright,’ Charles said measuredly. ‘Then what is it?’ Erik sighed and rested his head in his hands. Finally, he looked at him, fierceness mixed with terror.
‘What if we were wrong, Charles?’ he whispered. ‘About us.’
‘Us?’
‘Mutants,’ he whispered. ‘At times I wonder... I wish... that we are not the next step of evolution. That we are simply something which went wrong. What if we are the end of humanity, without being the start of something else? Perhaps it is all the other way around, and I am at fault.’
Charles stared at him. He could not believe that the man saying this things was Magneto, the great advocate of the homo superior.
‘Erik...’ He had to pause to gather his thoughts. ‘That’s nonsense. You don’t sound like yourself. What on earth has happened to make you think these things?’
Erik sighed, massaging his forehead.
‘Isn’t it obvious?’ he asked.
‘Oh,’ Charles said. A sense of disappointment started spreading in his chest. ‘This is about Gaby.’
‘Yes.’
‘You’ve been spending a lot of time together recently.’ It was just a statement, but it burned in his throat. Erik nodded mutely. ‘Do you enjoy it?’
‘Yes,’ he said again. ‘It’s strange, the sense of being part of something. And not in the same way as being part of a group of mutants. I know that my descendants will be mutants, but my forefathers were not. They were human. They were Jews. Being that again...’ Charles watched him. He saw the longing in him to be not a semi-divine creature of evolution, but a human being who had a covenant with God. He also saw the version of the future he imagined. An ordinary house, a mezuzah on the doorframe, the noise of children...
Charles stared at him in shocked surprise.
‘You want to marry her,’ he whispered. Erik looked away, but he did not contradict him. Carefully, afraid that he might make him bolt, Charles reached out towards him and touched his shoulder. ‘Erik...’
‘I know we said it wouldn’t be that way,’ Erik murmured.
‘We’ve already broken that promise, you and I.’ Charles swallowed noisily. ‘Besides, I can’t stay here forever. Sooner or later, I will need to go back to the school. This was never going to last.’ Erik sat quietly, not looking at him. ‘How long have you been thinking about this?’
‘Since she...’ He struggled to find the words. ‘Since she fell ill, I think.’ Charles nodded. To himself he thought that this meant that he had thought about it first. He wondered momentarily if he should tell Erik that, but decided against it.
‘You’ve only known her for a few months,’ he observed insetad.
‘It’s enough,’ Erik said with a shrug. ‘My parents had never met unchaperoned before they married.’
‘Those were different times.’ Erik only nodded morosely. Charles’ words had been doubly true.
‘They were,’ he said. ‘Gaby thinks that this is a better world. She thinks that she could emigrate and all would be well. As if all that death burned away the hate and purified the world. I can’t see how she could think that.’
‘Because she needs to think it,’ Charles answered, suddenly annoyed at Erik’s vehemence against the woman he claimed he loved. ‘She wants to be safe, and believing that is the only way she can feel it.’
‘But don’t we all want to feel safe?’ Erik exclaimed, suddenly flaring up. ‘We all want to belong to something, to a group that can protect us. Isn’t that what this is all about?’
When Charles looked at him now, he did not look away. They sat in silence, simply watching each other, which Charles tried to decied what to say. He did not know where to start, and which conflicting desire to address first.
‘You make it sound like you want to be human,’ he observed finally. Erik closed his eyes with a sigh. ‘Don’t you realise how ridiculous that is?’ Charles continued. ‘You can’t wish yourself into another form of being. Are you truly imagining that you could simply stop being a mutant by hiding that side of you? That you could put it all aside and live a normal life? You can’t be something you’re not!’ He caught sight of Erik’s face, and closed his mouth. He had not meant to say any of those things, but still he had lost his temper. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, and looked away.
‘Were you really talking about my being a mutant?’ Erik asked quietly. ‘Not about anything else?’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ Charles said dismissively, even if he did. They sat in embarrassed silence for a moment or so, the subject of their affair hovering between them. Fianlly, Erik spoke again.
‘Of course I realise how ridiculous it is. But I would like to be the kind of man she would love.’
‘She does love you,’ Charles reminded him, still not looking at him.
‘She would not love Magneto.’ That made him look up. He had not thought about that. ‘Do you not see, Charles, that it could never happen? She would hate me if she knew, and my followers would hate her if they saw her. If I married her, what would the Brotherhood do to her?’ Erik’s thoughts were strong enough that the gruesome images forced themselves into Charles’ mind. As if it were a physical blow threatening to hit him, he held up his hand to protect himself, and mentally pushed the images aside. ‘I would destroy her, Charles. Mutants would hate her, and humans would hate her. She would be a racial traitor or a devolved sapien. She wants to be safe, you say. If I married her, she would lose every shred of protection. Everyone would want to hunt her down. You can’t think that my will to feel part of something is so big that I would risk that. And to give up everything I have worked for, even for her...’ He turned towards Charles. For a long, drawn-out moment, they watched each other. ‘It’d never happen,’ he sighed. Charles hesitated for a moment, then put his hand on his shoulder. Erik pressed his hand briefly before brushing it off. In his movements he sensed his fear of meeting the world alone, once again, as he had all these years. He reached out again and caught his hand.
‘Erik, it’s never preferable to be alone.’ Erik shook his head.
‘But there is no way...’
‘Then don’t marry her!’ he urged. He had meant to make it sound like an innocent suggestion, but at the thought of it, he laughed, giddy with the idea of a shared future. ‘Come with me. We don’t have to be enemies. Run the school with me. We can make it all better....’
Erik shook his head.
‘We couldn’t, Charles,’ he said. ‘It’s just a silly dream.’ He shook off his hands, not heeding the tears rising in Charles’ eyes.
‘But you can’t be alone,’ he whispered.
‘Am I?’ Erik asked, looking him in the eye. ‘Now?’
‘No,’ he said and touched his face. Erik shifted closer, until they sat forehead to forehead, nose to nose. Charles wondered what cruel twist of fate had made it so that just when he finally acepted his love for Erik, Erik started entertaining ideas of marriage, however hypothetical they may be. It had all seemed so easy when they had decided on this.
‘Will you stay?’ Charles murmured.
‘For a while,’ Erik whispered back and shifted to rest his head against his chest. He lay there, running his fingers through his hair. Charles thought through what he had said, and felt disgusted at himself. How could he even attempt to deny Gaby that? Was he really so selfish? He thought about her and about Erik, as his lovers and each others’. If it were not for the Brotherhood, they had every opportunity to be very happy. He wondered if there was something he could say to undo his previous words. After a long time, he said:
‘You would be beautiful together.’ Erik snorted.
‘Our children would be born scarred.’
‘Don’t joke about such things.’
‘I wasn’t joking.’
They did not speak more. When Charles fell asleep, Erik was lying in his arms. In the morning when he woke up, there was no sign that he had ever lain beside him.
***
The following days, it felt as if Erik’s confession had not truly happened, but only been a confused dream brought on by Charles’ own worry. All seemed like it always had, even if he did not see much of either of his lovers. In a way, it was a relief. Telepaths were in need of solitude, and constantly sleeping with other minds close by disturbed his sleep.
Thursday was such a day. He woke up on his own accord, undisturbed by other people’s dreams, and bathed and dressed leisurely before ringing for breakfast. Erik had lent him Kim by Ruyard Kipling, which he did not know when he last read, so now he settled down with it over the breakfast. He was on the second chapter and the third cup of tea when there was a knock on the door.
‘Come in!’ He unlocked the wheels and swung around his chair in time to see Gaby enter. Her clothes were hastily put on and her hair was uncombed. Charles had sensed her unease, but her wide and shocked eyes, and the lips, pressed tightly together, still shocked him.
‘Gaby, whatever’s the matter?’ She did not answer yet, but remained by the closed door, as if she thought she might be trespassing. Quickly, Charles put the bookmark between the pages and closed the door, then moved a chair by its armrest to face him. ‘Come, sit down. Would you like some tea?’
‘No,’ she said numbly and sat down. ‘Thank you.’ She spoke as if her mind was not quite connected to her body, and she witnessed the events around her through a filter.
‘I wasn’t expecting you,’ Charles said, hoping it would prompt her to speak. At once, she looked away, and a brief blush passed over her cheeks.
‘I spent the night in Erik’s room,’ she admitted.
‘Good,’ Charles said, trying his very best to sound encouraging. ‘No reason why you shouldn’t.’ But she did not look calmed, and Charles felt her worry spread to him. ‘Unless... What happened, Gaby?’ Something must have. Had Erik brought up the question of engagement, despite the doubts he had had? No, Charles could no see Gaby reacting like this to a proposal, even if it might surprise her. Had he told her that he was a mutant? Had something altogether more unpleasant happened? He felt ashamed to even think it, but by how frightened Gaby seemed, it was a natural worry. Still, he shook it off. Erik might be unpredictable, but he was not violent towards those he cared for.
While he tried to guess, Gaby had tried to compose herself. Finally she started speaking, her voice quiet but steady.
‘I spent the night with Erik,’ she repeated. ‘When we went to bed, he simply couldn’t sleep. He woke up every few minutes in a panic, kicking and screaming. I had to try to calm him down...’
‘That must have been awful for you,’ Charles said compassionately. ‘You should have let me know.’
‘I didn’t want to bother you,’ she said, looking down in her lap. ‘I thought about it, but... Well, finally, he fell asleep and stayed that way, and I fell asleep too. When I woke up, I knew I had to leave to get home and change before work, but he was still fast asleep, and I just couldn’t wake him. Yesterday, he was so exhausted, and I thought that just letting him sleep would be kindest. So I thought that I’d write him a note, to tell him that I’d gone. I went to the desk, and looked for pen and paper in the drawers...’ She fell silent, and she went a little paler. Charles waited for the rest of the story, but all she did was to stare at her hands.
‘And what then?’ he asked softly. She did not answer. ‘Gaby, what was in the drawers?’ Now she looked up at him and let out a trembling breath.
‘Passports,’ she said. ‘Four of them. An American one, an Israeli one, a French one and a Swiss one.’ Charles watched her, hoping for more. His inability to draw the conclusions she had drawn seemed to annoy her. ‘The only way a person could have that many passports would be if some of them were forged.’
‘Did you look at them?’ Charles asked, stroking his chin and considering it. This was undoubtedly worrying. It was a shard of a different life, which Gaby had not been told about.
‘They were all his,’ Gaby said. ‘It was even the same picture in all of them. There was no doubt. And all of them had been used. He’d travelled all around the world with them.’ They looked at each other. Gaby was once again the one to offer an explanation. ‘Don’t you see what this means?’ she asked. ‘He’s lied to us. He’s not a businessman. Why would someone like that have four passports? No. The only people who have that are spies and criminals.’
‘And which one do you think Erik is?’
Gaby shrugged.
‘Does it matter?’ she asked. ‘In any case, he’s lied to us.’
‘Perhaps it’s something he’s not able to tell us,’ Charles reasoned. It felt cruel to pretend to be ignorant when he was not, but even if he could have explained to Gaby precisely why Erik would want to travel without being able to be traced, he would not. That story was not his to tell, and anyhow, he would rather that Gaby did not know about that part of Erik’s life. ‘If he’s secret intelligence, then he certainly would not.’ Gaby seemed to think about it.
‘I suppose so,’ she said slowly. ‘But we’re all so close...’
‘I’m sure he has a good reason for keeping it from us,’ Charles said. Gaby looked at him, frowning.
‘You don’t seem at all surprised by this,’ she observed. Charles laughed nervously.
‘Well, it’s something which wouldn’t surprise me about Erik, I suppose,’ he said, trying to sound light-hearted.
‘Has he ever told you anything?’ she pressed. ‘You’ve known each other for so long...’
‘As a rule, Erik doesn’t talk business with me,’ he lied. ‘Gaby, I think that the best course of action would be to forget about all this.’
‘Why?’ she asked, startled.
‘It feels like something not meant for us to know,’ he said, even if he knew that this sounded a little forced. ‘You weren’t meant to see those passports...’
‘I wasn’t snooping,’ she said sharply. ‘It was an accident!’
‘Then isn’t it better that you let it go?’
‘But I want to know why he hasn’t told me the truth!’ she explained. ‘Or even, told us the truth. Doesn’t that disturb you?’
‘Erik is a very private person. I don’t expect him to tell me everything...’
‘But something like this, Charles! What it implies...’
He was just about to answer, when there was a sharp knock on the door and the creaking of hinges. Charles looked up and Gaby turned, just when Erik stepped in. He seemed simply to have put on the clothes he had found, and the only attention his hair had had was a hair run through it. He did not look well-rested, but his face lit up with relief when he saw them.
‘Good morning,’ he said. ‘I hope I’m not interrupting. I was looking for you, Gaby...’ Suddenly noticing how Gaby’s face did not change, Erik fell silent. He looked from one to the other and finally asked: ‘Has something happened?’ Charles wheeled a little closer.
‘Erik...’ But before he had time to say or do anything, Gaby said:
‘Tell me about the passports.’ Erik’s concern turned into surprise.
‘What?’
‘The passports,’ Gaby all but hissed.
‘What passports?’ Erik asked.
‘The ones in your desk-drawer!’ she said and pointed in the direction of his room. He frowned, obviously about to ask how she could know. ‘I saw them,’ she said. ‘What do they mean?’ Erik did not answer, but just stared at her as if he did not want this to be happening. When he did not speak, Gaby pressed on. ‘You lied to me. You’re not a businessman at all. I should have known - you don’t act it, or sound it.’ Erik pressed his mouth shut, defiant in his silence.
‘Gaby...’ Charles said, reaching out to touch her arm, but she took a step towards Erik, evading his grip.
‘What are you keeping from us?’ she asked. ‘What would you need four passports for? What are you?’
Erik’s expression did not change, but Charles could see the storm in his eyes. He was fighting against the truth, and the answer he actually wanted to give. Erik looked at Charles, his gaze communicating his distress. He could do nothing else than look back at him and lightly touch his mind.
‘I needed them for revenge,’ he finally said. Gaby frowned. Now that she had an answer, however, vague, her disapproval lifted, but she still looked sceptical.
‘Revenge?’ she repeated.
Still looking at Charles, he answered:
‘I track down Nazis.’
Gaby’s eyes grew. A short, surprised laugh escaped her.
‘You’re a... Nazi hunter?’ she said slowly.
‘I suppose that’s the phrase,’ Erik said and shrugged, eyes on the floor. Like this, with crinkled clothes and uncombed hair, fearing rejection from a lover, he looked nothing like it. Charles could understand why Gaby found it difficult to believe. Their first (and indeed later) impressions of Erik were very different. She took a step closer, looking at him with new respect, but also with a new wariness.
‘So... are you Mossad? If you’re allowed to say, of course...’
Erik shook his head.
‘I’m not Mossad.’
‘CIA?’
‘No.’ Gaby frowned.
‘Then... who do you liaise with?’ Now it was Erik who frowned.
‘Liaise with?’ he repeated, as if he did not understand her.
‘Yes - to hand them over,’ she explained. ‘To get them to the authorities.’ Charles realised too late where this was heading, but he did not have time to realise what the helpless look Erik cast him meant. He turned his eyes from Charles and stepped closer to Gaby. He had an air about him of a man surrendering.
‘I don’t hand them over to the authorities.’
‘Then what...?’ The impact of the realisation was so strong that Charles sensed it without even reaching out. Before Gaby’s eyes, her lover transformed into a killer. She took a step backwards. ‘No...’ she whispered. ‘You don’t mean...’ Erik’s gaze remained steady on her, and he did not contradict her. ‘Erik, you can’t have...!’
‘Every single one of them deserved it,’ he said calmly. He took a step towards her. She recoiled from his outstretched hand, as if it were covered in blood. She stared at it and then, mastering her terror, looked him in the eye.
‘How many people have you killed?’
‘Nazis,’ he intoned. ‘I’ve never taken an innocent life. They have all been guilty.’
‘But...!’ she exclaimed, struggling for words. Her breathing was becoming shallow, but her anger was greater than her panic. ‘That doesn’t give you the right to kill them!’ Erik’s equilibrium broke.
‘Do I not have the right, after what they did to us?’ he roared. ‘They deserved it!’
‘I don’t care if they deserved it,’ Gaby shouted back. ‘That’s not the point! You can’t just kill people, punish them without a fair trial...’
‘Trials are too good for them. Besides, they would have been hanged anyway,’ Erik retorted. ‘Why wait, and deny me the satisfaction?’
‘Because they have the right to be tried!’ A sudden sob rose, and she pressed her hand against her mouth to quench it. It came out sounding almost as a scream. ‘Oh, God,’ she whispered. ‘Erik, how could you...?’ As if the sight of her tears humbled her, his shoulder slumped and his anger abated. There was something tender in his eyes when he stepped closer. His hand was almost on her shoulder when she backed away.
‘Don’t touch me,’ she shouted, raising a hand to shield herself. His face fell.
‘Don’t you think they deserve to suffer?’ he asked. ‘Like we suffered?’
‘What does it matter what I think?’ she sobbed. ‘I want them to suffer, yes, but that’s irrelevant. If you take the law into your own hands like that and decide who is to live and who is to die, what makes you different from them?’ She looked at him defiantly. He offered no answer.
‘Gaby...’ he whispered.
‘No,’ she said firmly, wiping the tears off her cheeks. ‘Stop it.’ She crossed to where she had left her bag and hat. ‘I’m sorry, Charles,’ she said, new tears already falling. Then she turned and made for the door.
‘Gaby, wait!’ Charles called and unlocked the wheels on his chair. Even before the door closed, he heard the clatter of her heels as she ran down the corridor, sobbing. There was no way for him to give pursuit. Instead, he turned to Erik. He was facing the door, watching it as if it was some impenetrable obstacle. ‘Erik?’ Charles said cautiously. ‘Are you alright?’
Erik swallowed. The fantasy of his human future, which already had cracks running through it, fractured and fell apart. This had been bad enough to make her run away from him, and she did not even know that he was a mutant. It was like with Magda, who had turned away from him in disgust, only much worse, because he had expected Gaby to understand. A hatred for his actions, actions which Charles had never accused him of committing, even if they had never met with his approval, had been seen in her eyes, and that cut deep into his soul.
Earnestly, he shook his head.
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