One way trip to peacefulness
So, yesterday in the afternoon I had a panic attack.
Luckily I was in my bedroom with my friend LordGerard and so she helped me. At last, I was not alone.
We were dancing and acting with the "my chemical puppets" I made, when I fell down and started crying. For no particular reason. I just felt like the whole earth was disappearing from under my feet and nothing in this world could make me happy and let me keep on living. It as like seeing a big black hole all around me. Like being in the middle of a crowd who doesn't hear you screaming for help.
At last, I said, I was not alone.
The panic attack got away after a good hour of cuddles and LordGerard managed to reassure me.
I felt better when I phoned
heles_allgood and she told me a beautiful fairy tale, like you do when kids cannot sleep. There was a Princess Jared and a strange Prince/weirdo Shannon, who finally managed to get a life together in a roulotte. It has been sweet, it was a long time since someone told me a story. The thing is, I love listening to her voice. So she could also have told me the shopping list that it would have made me happy.
I spent the rest of the day totally wrapped in a plaid, wandering here and there with my slippers making a strange noise on the parquet.
But the best cure to a panic attack is... phoning my dad.
We never talk much during the week, we spend only a few hours together in Saturday when he comes visiting me, yet last week he was busy, so he didn't manage to come.
We spent almost a hour on the phone, remembering last year, when we both went to London for the first time together to see my first 30secondstomars concert ever. He was afraid of taking the plane, yet he had the greatest fun ever and always dreams about goin back there. We spent 3 days together, laughing and having fun, doing jokes and taking photos and visited what we wanted to, when we wanted to, where we wanted to and how we wanted to. Few museums, lot of town and street-life. We bought presents and SEAS of Starbucks. Every morning we had coffe and muffin for breakfast. We also played the rich ones in Harrods, trying on clothes, sunglasses, hats... we also ate oysters and drunk champagne together. Veery classy. We had several adventures in the underground and while we were hanging around in Piccadilly by night we used to dream about living there together and becoming a famous duo of buskers in Covent Garden. He would play the harmonica and I would sing. People would go nuts over us.
Those three days were a dream.
Remembering them made me slightly happy again.
So today my dad needed to take grandma to Rome. Well, my uncle who lives there came up nearby to get grandma and I joined dad in the morning. I love staying in the car while someone drives. I haven't my licence, yet.
We left my lovely grandma and then decided to spend some time together. As we were close, we decided to visit the Republic of San Marino, which is interesting because shops are tax free and things cost less.
It has been nice getting there, we turned on the radio and played a few cds I took with me. I found out that my dad likes most of the music I do listen to. He listens to 30secondstomars, which makes him great. So when we listened to Angels and Airwaves he also turned the volume up and started singing, although he doesn't know a word of english. We played as an air-band while he was driving, like.. the Blues Brothers. And then we sang along in italian our favourite artist ever, Ligabue, for whom we both share a true passion. We also have a favourite song, "sogni di rock&roll" (dreams abour fock & roll) which, at times, seems to talk about us. We use to listen to that in saturday evening when he takes me back home. As lyrics say "e così / anche il sabato è andato così" (and so, also saturday passed by like this).. well that fits pretty well.
It has been great listening to some of mu favourite songs while dad was driving. Outside the window, just landscape.
I felt good. I felt at ease. Quiet. Peaceful.
When we arrived in San Marino, I noticed the writing on the bridge at the beginning of the city: "Welcome to the anciend land of freedom". Cool as hell, nh? It would be nice to truly find a land of freedom. Probaby I'd leave my burden easily and wouldn't be obliged to have continuous analysis. I gave away I don't know how much blood in the last two months... you probably could have used it all for the blood ball in Milan. Gerard Way said it: "it just ain't living"... Yet I'd better face that thing. Make it reach to an end.
The trip in San Marino has been enjoyable. I found out that there's a way called "via 28 Luglio" (28th of July) which is my birthday and felt important ^__^. I bought some rose-shaped candles for my mum and then found the dream of every peer to peer downloader on earth: 1 tetrabyte external memory for computer. You could... fit the universe in it! Yet my computer is too old.. and that was too expensive! XD
While we were driving back home, we decided to go to the Mall nearby, 'cause we had heard that there would have been a giant chocolate-easter egg and they would have given the chocolate for free.
I also entered a karaoke competition, as you could win a nice playstation-signed bag that my dad liked and.. get more chocolate XD
I wasn't sure of that, yet.. hey, noody knew me and it was also a test for the new Sing Star Competition game for Playstation 3, so why not to enter the competition?
The songs were random and there was a good crowd around.
I had to battle against a guy and the computer picked randomly... Strangers in the Night by Frank Sinatra! One of my favourite songs ever! I scored almost the best point of the competition, yet got no starpoint(!) 'cause it was a little bit low for me and didn't catch a few notes. The guy was astonished.
I had been lucky in the second round, against a girl almost my age, singing Macy Gray's Try to say goodbye. I love that song.. and got the starpoint(!)!!! Didn't miss a thing! Yay.
So for the last round I had to battle against a girl probably older than me.. and the computer picked randomly... TOKIO HOTEL. Yet I started listening to them randomly on my iPod and they don't play so bad. I cannot see their faces, they scare me, but Bill's voice is quite ELEMENTARY so it's easy to sing. And I got another starpoint(!) with "Don't Jump"... and victory! Yay. The DJ played "We are the Champions" when I won! My dad was so happy and so was I.
So I got home and found out that mommy bought me a small easter egg *___* and she loved the candles I bought her and promised me to keep them forever, so I think that we made peace. We also walked to the bookstore and I bought a poetry book by Ligabue (yes, the singer) , that I started reading and allready adored. "Lettere d'amore nel frigo" (love letters in the fridge).
So.. it has been a good day. No panic attacks for today.
With this, I want to wish you all happy easter. May angels lead you in.
Luckily I was in my bedroom with my friend LordGerard and so she helped me. At last, I was not alone.
We were dancing and acting with the "my chemical puppets" I made, when I fell down and started crying. For no particular reason. I just felt like the whole earth was disappearing from under my feet and nothing in this world could make me happy and let me keep on living. It as like seeing a big black hole all around me. Like being in the middle of a crowd who doesn't hear you screaming for help.
At last, I said, I was not alone.
The panic attack got away after a good hour of cuddles and LordGerard managed to reassure me.
I felt better when I phoned
heles_allgood and she told me a beautiful fairy tale, like you do when kids cannot sleep. There was a Princess Jared and a strange Prince/weirdo Shannon, who finally managed to get a life together in a roulotte. It has been sweet, it was a long time since someone told me a story. The thing is, I love listening to her voice. So she could also have told me the shopping list that it would have made me happy.
I spent the rest of the day totally wrapped in a plaid, wandering here and there with my slippers making a strange noise on the parquet.
But the best cure to a panic attack is... phoning my dad.
We never talk much during the week, we spend only a few hours together in Saturday when he comes visiting me, yet last week he was busy, so he didn't manage to come.
We spent almost a hour on the phone, remembering last year, when we both went to London for the first time together to see my first 30secondstomars concert ever. He was afraid of taking the plane, yet he had the greatest fun ever and always dreams about goin back there. We spent 3 days together, laughing and having fun, doing jokes and taking photos and visited what we wanted to, when we wanted to, where we wanted to and how we wanted to. Few museums, lot of town and street-life. We bought presents and SEAS of Starbucks. Every morning we had coffe and muffin for breakfast. We also played the rich ones in Harrods, trying on clothes, sunglasses, hats... we also ate oysters and drunk champagne together. Veery classy. We had several adventures in the underground and while we were hanging around in Piccadilly by night we used to dream about living there together and becoming a famous duo of buskers in Covent Garden. He would play the harmonica and I would sing. People would go nuts over us.
Those three days were a dream.
Remembering them made me slightly happy again.
So today my dad needed to take grandma to Rome. Well, my uncle who lives there came up nearby to get grandma and I joined dad in the morning. I love staying in the car while someone drives. I haven't my licence, yet.
We left my lovely grandma and then decided to spend some time together. As we were close, we decided to visit the Republic of San Marino, which is interesting because shops are tax free and things cost less.
It has been nice getting there, we turned on the radio and played a few cds I took with me. I found out that my dad likes most of the music I do listen to. He listens to 30secondstomars, which makes him great. So when we listened to Angels and Airwaves he also turned the volume up and started singing, although he doesn't know a word of english. We played as an air-band while he was driving, like.. the Blues Brothers. And then we sang along in italian our favourite artist ever, Ligabue, for whom we both share a true passion. We also have a favourite song, "sogni di rock&roll" (dreams abour fock & roll) which, at times, seems to talk about us. We use to listen to that in saturday evening when he takes me back home. As lyrics say "e così / anche il sabato è andato così" (and so, also saturday passed by like this).. well that fits pretty well.
It has been great listening to some of mu favourite songs while dad was driving. Outside the window, just landscape.
I felt good. I felt at ease. Quiet. Peaceful.
When we arrived in San Marino, I noticed the writing on the bridge at the beginning of the city: "Welcome to the anciend land of freedom". Cool as hell, nh? It would be nice to truly find a land of freedom. Probaby I'd leave my burden easily and wouldn't be obliged to have continuous analysis. I gave away I don't know how much blood in the last two months... you probably could have used it all for the blood ball in Milan. Gerard Way said it: "it just ain't living"... Yet I'd better face that thing. Make it reach to an end.
The trip in San Marino has been enjoyable. I found out that there's a way called "via 28 Luglio" (28th of July) which is my birthday and felt important ^__^. I bought some rose-shaped candles for my mum and then found the dream of every peer to peer downloader on earth: 1 tetrabyte external memory for computer. You could... fit the universe in it! Yet my computer is too old.. and that was too expensive! XD
While we were driving back home, we decided to go to the Mall nearby, 'cause we had heard that there would have been a giant chocolate-easter egg and they would have given the chocolate for free.
I also entered a karaoke competition, as you could win a nice playstation-signed bag that my dad liked and.. get more chocolate XD
I wasn't sure of that, yet.. hey, noody knew me and it was also a test for the new Sing Star Competition game for Playstation 3, so why not to enter the competition?
The songs were random and there was a good crowd around.
I had to battle against a guy and the computer picked randomly... Strangers in the Night by Frank Sinatra! One of my favourite songs ever! I scored almost the best point of the competition, yet got no starpoint(!) 'cause it was a little bit low for me and didn't catch a few notes. The guy was astonished.
I had been lucky in the second round, against a girl almost my age, singing Macy Gray's Try to say goodbye. I love that song.. and got the starpoint(!)!!! Didn't miss a thing! Yay.
So for the last round I had to battle against a girl probably older than me.. and the computer picked randomly... TOKIO HOTEL. Yet I started listening to them randomly on my iPod and they don't play so bad. I cannot see their faces, they scare me, but Bill's voice is quite ELEMENTARY so it's easy to sing. And I got another starpoint(!) with "Don't Jump"... and victory! Yay. The DJ played "We are the Champions" when I won! My dad was so happy and so was I.
So I got home and found out that mommy bought me a small easter egg *___* and she loved the candles I bought her and promised me to keep them forever, so I think that we made peace. We also walked to the bookstore and I bought a poetry book by Ligabue (yes, the singer) , that I started reading and allready adored. "Lettere d'amore nel frigo" (love letters in the fridge).
So.. it has been a good day. No panic attacks for today.
With this, I want to wish you all happy easter. May angels lead you in.