We used to wait. (Chapter 12/?)
title: We used to wait. (Chapter 12/?)
author:
apodixis
spoilers: Through all seasons, though this takes place in an AU starting at the very end of season 2.
pairings: kara/lee, kara/sam
overall fic rating: R/NC-17
word count: 6,345
notes: See http://apodixis.livejournal.com/685.html for more information.
summary: If God isn't leading the fleet to Earth, can they ever find it?
Kara woke to the low thrumming of nearby machines and otherwise silence. The scent of antiseptic was in the air in the semi-sterile environment and though she hadn’t ever been happy to be there before, she was immediately thankful to be within the confines of Galactica’s Life Station. It meant she was safe and taken care of, even if the person keeping watch over her would be Doc Cottle. If she had to be near him to be away from that planet, she would take it.
Her eyes opened to the lights of the room, noting someone had thought to dim the one overhead for her. For that she was more than thankful. Though all the lights on Galactica tended to be harsh and unforgiving, the ones in the medical portion of the ship seemed to be particularly awful to endure. In all likelihood, these were the same lights that were throughout the rest of the large vessel and it was just the general mood of Life Station that tampered with her perceptions and memories of it. Being here usually wasn’t a good thing. There weren’t many happy memories associated with such a place, just painful ones: her own injuries, someone else’s death. The birth of Hera had been one hopeful moment in time, even if she and Sharon weren’t close back then and her feelings at the time had been iffy regarding the hybrid child. She had been happy for Helo, at the very least, but that happy moment passed quickly like all the others, replaced by the news of Hera’s death at barely a day old.
She tried to sit up higher against the slightly reclined bed, pushing her elbows into the mattress for help. It was a struggle and she barely managed to scoot herself up an inch or two before giving up. She turned her head to the side in something of frustration, finding Sam dozing in his seat by her side. Sammy. Kara smiled faintly as she watched him, the black tattoo on his arm visible to the room as he only wore the set of double tanks on his upper body. She couldn’t remember much of what happened after they made it back to Galactica since she had Lee use the last morpha dose on her at some point in flight on their return home. Their entire exodus from the algae planet was coated in some kind of fog for her, partially due to the medication, but also because she had been content in her exhausted state to let all the others do the work. They’d managed to get back with the things they could quickly pack up while she’d all but been slumped in the corner of the Raptor fighting sleep with Lee desperately trying to keep her awake until they got her proper medical attention. Where was Lee now, she wondered, but guilt stabbed at her. Her husband was beside her, that should have been enough.
“Sam,” she said, a little rough. “Sam.” Kara repeated it, her voice louder and firmer this time. A couple of feet away, his body jerked up at nearly full alert. That was a learned behavior, she knew, something he’d acquired in the months he had been trapped on Caprica, ready to die at any moment. Sometimes over their year of marriage, when he’d come to visit her on Pegasus, Sam woke just like that in the middle of the night, ready to strike or be struck. Nightmares, he’d always say, and would pull her close to find comfort as he tried once again to sleep.
“Kara,” he moved his chair in closer to her bedside, sitting right against it. “Need a nurse?” Sam instinctively went to take her hands to stroke them in a soothing manner, stopping abruptly as he saw her bandaged appendages and remembered just why she was there. He settled for stroking his fingers over her exposed forearm.
“No, no, I’m okay.” For those two weeks collecting algae and the night she’d spent with Lee before it had all begun, Kara hadn’t let herself feel guilt over what she was doing behind her husband’s back, but very much in front of the Gods. Sitting here with him, though, when they were nothing but quiet instead of their usual argumentative selves, all of it washed over her. This was Sam. Stupid, adorable, Sammy. The man she’d returned to Caprica for and who comforted her the first time she returned to her home planet, after Lee had pushed her away and all but called her an outright whore for her night with Baltar. He’d done nothing but stand by her through most things and she repaid him by sleeping with someone else. She tried to keep a neutral expression, but with the recent events still weighing on her, it proved most difficult.
“Hey - hey. What’s wrong? Shh.” Sam comforted her and leaned in to kiss her brow. All she thought about was when Lee had bandaged that very inch of skin for her and all the times he’d kissed it since then. Those thoughts only made it worse for her and when Sam pulled back, he could see the emotion in her eyes. “What’s going on Kara?”
Kara shook her head, sniffling to herself. Her hand rose to wipe away her tears, but was reminded of her injuries when the white gauze came into view. It only made things worse for her and what hold she had on herself was further lost. She really hated the person she’d become over the last two days. She was nothing but weak anymore.
They were interrupted when the privacy curtain pulled open. Sam turned his head to catch sight of the visitor, though he assumed it was Cottle or Ishay on hourly rounds to check up on the patients currently in sickbay. It wasn’t either of them, in fact, it was Lee with his flight suit tied around his waist. By the way he looked, Sam would even venture a guess to say that Apollo had just finished CAP, not even stopping by the head first before coming to check up on Kara. Lee had been careful to avoid Life Station when he knew Sam was there, but had obviously miscalculated this time.
“Sorry, I’ll-” Lee struggled with his words, eyes darting back and forth between the husband and wife. Kara turned to him and he saw the expression that marred her features. “Just wanted to check up on the CAG,” he offered his pathetic excuse to her but mostly Sam, though he knew there was no way the other man would buy it. Lee nodded his head to Anders in something of a peace offering between them and backed out, pulling the curtain closed. Once the barrier was in place between them, he turned and left Life Station, cursing under his breath the entire way.
Sam’s countenance had changed in those few moments and he moved to sit on just the edge of her bed though Kara wouldn’t look his way. “I know about you and Apollo,” he spoke, though he was mostly bluffing. He had no proof of something going on between them, just the feeling in his stomach and his heart when the two of them were around one another.
Kara froze in place, still not bothering to look back to him. She steeled herself for the conversation she knew was coming. “What about us?” A seasoned liar, she feigned innocence.
“Don’t lie to me, at least have the courage to own up to it.” He was angry but it didn’t show for much in the volume of his voice.
She finally turned her head to look up to him. “What do you want me to say, Sam?” The tactics changed and Kara gave up the somber attitude for one of slight aggression. If he was going to push her, she was going to push right back. “Could you try to pick a better time to have this fight? Say, when my hands aren’t covered in second and third degree burns? You’ve got great timing, Sammy.”
“Just frakking don’t, Kara.” His teeth clenched as he raised his voice, quick to restrain himself so they didn’t disturb the other patients and attract attention to themselves. “I knew what I was getting into when I married you. I could even tolerate you frakking some other guy, but him? Not Apollo.” His head shook to demonstrate his point.
“It was just a frak, it only happened once.” Kara admitted to her infidelity in their marriage finally and some weight was lifted from her, but was soon replaced with the crushing guilt over the pain she knew she was causing him.
“What was your plan? Frak him, pretend nothing happened? Or were you going to just drop the divorce papers in my lap one day?”
“Marriage is a sacrament, Sam.”
“And it means nothing if you act like you aren’t married!” Silence extended between them, both staring the other down. “Can I talk to Kara for once, not Starbuck?” The glare it got him was absolutely devastating and for a second, he regretted saying it all together. “If it was anyone else, I would know it meant nothing to you. But you and him… it’s different. You know, a few days after you saved me from Caprica, I asked around because I thought maybe you and him had something going on. Everyone told me no and I was stupid to believe them. Maybe you weren’t openly frakking back then, but there’s always been something between you. I’m right, aren’t I?”
Kara almost rolled her eyes and told him to frak off, but thought better of it. He was getting dangerously close to the truth of it all though, which was something she didn’t even admit to herself easily. It made her uncomfortable to realize Sam could know her like this. Even when they were happy together, part of the appeal of Sam was that he didn’t know much about her. He didn’t know about all the details regarding Zak and certainly not about the complications with Lee. He didn’t know about her mother or about how frakked up she certainly was. Sam was Sam. He was easy, a comfort, secure. Lee was the complete opposite. He was difficult, and while a comfort in some ways, he challenged her through and through. And secure? All they did was fight and be at one another’s throats constantly. But Gods, she had never gotten him off her mind, not in all the years since he’d showed up at her front door with a bouquet of flowers, finally ready to meet his brother’s girlfriend.
“I meant what I said, marriage is a sacrament from the Gods. I won’t break it. Not even for him.” That was her fear talking and taking over now. She’d thought about walking away from the marriage, even before that night in her office. She would walk away from Sam and finally let herself be with Lee, but the thought of actually going through with it terrified her, not because she didn’t want it, but because she wanted it so much. All these years, thoughts of Lee had been her fallback to think about. Maybe one day it would be perfect. She couldn’t stand to lose the hope if they went through with it and it all ended up a miserable mess. That, plus Lee would never be content to just let Kara share what she wanted to when she felt like it. He would push her until she was raw and knew everything about her. Kara wasn’t sure she was ever going to be ready for someone to know that much about her. Even with Zak, as much as she had adored and loved that man, she kept a comfortable layer between the truth and him. He had been perfect and she hadn’t wanted to ruin him with all her baggage.
Sam sighed beside her, his form visibly settling as his muscles gave up the fight. “I love you, Kara, but I don’t want this unless I can have all of you.” His blue eyes focused on her and though she so very much loved them, but she knew part of that reason was because when she saw his, she saw Lee’s as well. They weren’t the same shade, but it was about as close as she was going to get. “I’m going to give you an out. I want you to think about us and about him and make your choice. Whether it’s me, or him, or no one at all.” This out was as much for her as it was for him. He didn’t know what was happening with himself, if he was a cylon or human or just plain losing his mind. She felt her guilt and he felt his. What if he was a machine after all? Was it fair for Kara to be tied to him? He wasn’t giving her the full story about his suspicions and doubts, but it was all he could give her at that moment in time. “If you come back to me, we’ll stay married, we’ll move on and I swear on the Gods I’ll never even think about you and him again. But it’s a two-way street, Kara. If you’re with me, whatever you have with him is done, over with for good. It isn’t fair to you, it isn’t fair to him, and it sure as hell isn’t fair to me.”
“Sam…” She didn’t have words to express what she was feeling.
“If you want to be with Lee, then you have to tell him. I look at him and I actually feel bad for the guy,” he laughed briefly and quietly. “He’s in love with you and he knows it’s wrong. I know that look he’s got, because you give it to me too sometimes. If you want Apollo, then just go take it. You deserve to be happy and it’s taken me a long time to acknowledge it, but maybe you aren’t happiest with me anymore. I won’t ever be friends with him, that’s for sure, but I can figure it out.”
Her heart broke as she listened and watched as he spoke. Every bad decision she’d ever made that set this all in motion came back to her. Frakking Baltar that night and upsetting Lee. Running off to Caprica on a whim. Frakking Sam for the comfort of it and nothing more. Refusing to acknowledge what was growing between her and Lee once Sam was back. Saving him, that was one thing she didn’t regret. Marrying Sam just to save herself from the possibility of ever having to make a decision on what to do about Lee. That night two weeks prior, she felt guilt over it, but refused to regret it. She was guilty for hurting this man before her, the man who took vows before the Gods to love and honor her, and for that she would be eternally sorry, even if she never said it aloud. Kara closed her eyes despite the tears coating her eyes. She was sorry, but all she could see was the way Lee looked above her. How happy, absolutely content, he’d been when she allowed him and even asked him to tell her how he felt about her.
Kara felt him stand from her bed, the mattress returning to its original shape when not weighed down. She was too much of a coward at that moment to face him so she kept her eyes clenched tightly closed, feeling the kiss he laid to the top of her head and the caress of his palm against her cheek as he did so. The displacement of nearby air and echo of the tug of the curtain signaled his departure. When she was finally alone, she turned herself onto her side and buried her face into the pillow to try to find sleep.
-
Though in the past Kara had alway fought to escape sickbay even before she’d been cleared, she didn’t argue with Cottle this time. She was avoiding the reality of a series of situations that had sprung up around her. First, there was the question of Sam and Lee and the impossible choice she was being asked to make. Then there was Leoben. No one had mentioned the cylon to her since she last saw him in the temple on the now obliterated planet. Whether it was a conscious choice or not, and she was willing to bet Lee had orchestrated it on purpose, Kara had been kept in the Raptor devoid of their two cylon prisoners and the former President. She assumed he had survived in the end and been brought up to the ship, rather than allowed to merely die and download, but the subject hadn’t come up and she was doing as little interacting with anyone else as possible.
Sam had come to visit her every day since he’d given her the gentle ultimatum and most of the time she pretended to sleep even as she listened to his even breathing from beside her bed. Lee had stopped by as well, but he was all business with her. He had taken over CAG duties again, though he was careful to note to her that it was a temporary situation. When she was well enough and recovered, the position would be hers once more. Lee usually brought paperwork along with him and he kept his nose buried in it while silently enjoying the terrible company she made. She knew it was killing him to keep his distance, but as much as she may have cared about him, what she really needed was that cushion of space between them. She had to keep a clear head.
Cottle had just been in to check on the healing process of her hands when the curtain rustled. Kara held her breath, fearing it would be one of the two men she was dutifully avoiding. The appearance of the Admiral was a pleasant surprise, since she was yet to see him. His absence had hurt her, though she knew he had his hands full since they’d departed from the company of the cylon fleet. “Admiral,” Kara saluted lazily with one of her bound hands.
“At ease,” Adama said, but his voice was gentle and not at all military-like. “I’m sorry I haven’t been down sooner.” The apology was genuine and he took in the sight of her. She was still a little worse for wear, especially after enduring the pain of having her healing skin irritated by fresh bandages so she didn’t develop an infection. That was the real concern with an injury like that and Cottle had her pumped full of antibiotics in an added precaution to protect her. Like most of her visitors, he sat down on her bedside. His hand extended, brushing the hair away from her face despite how badly she knew it needed a washing. “I do love your hair this long.”
“You’re a sap.” Kara let her body and head relax back into the inclined half of the bed.
“That may be so.” He smiled wide at her and all her worries fluttered away for the briefest of seconds. It was a relief. Just as Cottle and his terrible bedside manner brought her security, so did the man that had become her surrogate father figure even before the fall of the colonies. “I’ve had Lee covering your duties while you get better.”
“I heard.”
“We can airlock him together if he doesn’t want to give them back.” A smile cracked over his lips and she returned it. It was truly the first time she’d smiled in days and felt something close to at ease. Of course the Old Man would be the one to do that for her.
“Why isn’t Anders with you?”
The jovial mood quickly faded and Kara’s eyes looked beyond him. “Trouble in paradise.”
“Ah.” It wasn’t even a word but it expressed a great deal to her. Adama was very unlike his eldest son. He didn’t push, at least not when it wasn’t absolutely necessary. “I was wondering why you’ve had that married billet this whole time yet you two were still in your bunks.” He raised an eyebrow at her.
Kara avoided his gaze. Though she knew he sometimes looked through the paperwork that passed through the ship, she hadn’t expect him to notice that she had in fact been issued quarters for her and her husband. Come to think of it, she realized he was probably the one that went out of his way to make sure she was given that comfort after things settled down on Galactica. Not only was she married, but she was one of the highest ranking officers left in the fleet. Having private quarters was an honor that she deserved, or at least he clearly thought so. He was probably also the reason she hadn’t been forced out of her bunk by another pilot looking to move on up to the senior quarters. Adama was always a step ahead. She both loved and hated that about him. “It’s just been complicated.” She left it at that. Putting aside that she didn’t have a clue about what to do in regards to Lee and Sam, the last conversation she wanted to be having was one with the Old Man about how she had now frakked both of his sons.
“Well I’ll keep it open as long as I can. Space is tight on the ship now, but no one’s asked any questions yet.” Not that he couldn’t do as he pleased. He was Zeus as far as the fleet was concerned, after all. “Cottle tells me you can leave whenever you want. I didn’t think it sounded like you to still be here when you were free to go, but now I assume this complicated you mentioned might be part of it.” He saw the expression she wore and opted to move on and not push her anymore than he already had. Kara Thrace could be like a stray dog sometimes. A gentle hand was necessary, but as gentle as one could be, most stray dogs snapped if you came too close. He was approaching that line. “I want to have a ceremony for Louanne Katraine when you’re well enough.”
She quickly looked up to him. Gods, she hadn’t even mentioned her to anyone since she’d told Lee about her death. That had to have been how Adama found out, although her lack of presence would have been clue enough to figure out she hadn’t made it off the planet. “Yes, sir. I’ll be out of here today, then.”
“Take as much time as you need.” Adama kissed her forehead and stood up, straightening his uniform as he turned back into the Admiral instead of just the Old Man that had given her a shot all those years ago. “But I do need your report on everything that happened. Either have someone write it for you, or wait until you can. Either way, Tigh will be expecting it.”
-
True to her word, Kara left Life Station later that day, though she was on her own. Ishay had suggested calling someone to help her back to her quarters, but Kara wouldn’t stand for it. She didn’t need anyone. Starbuck never needed anyone. Faced with her first hatch, however, she had the unfortunate realization that she really did frakking need someone. It took a couple minutes of lingering by the entrance to sickbay for someone to enter and she slipped out before they door was sealed behind them. She hurried, not wanting Ishay to notice and give her that smug look of satisfaction she was learning from Cottle. So doors were an issue. Starbuck still didn’t need anyone.
Luckily, the door to her bunk room was open. She ducked her head in a hello to Hot Dog, heading straight for her locker. The knob there wasn’t difficult and she managed to open it by careful maneuvering of a wrist. She was doped up for some of the residual pain, but the severity of it had faded as the days passed. Handling things with her bandaged hands still wasn’t the best idea, though she soldiered on nonetheless. Gathering her clothes was easy enough and she simply shoveled them into one arm held tightly to her chest. Her towel was added to the pile and the bag containing her shower items hooked over the other arm. She had the sudden understanding for how difficult it was for anyone who had ever lost a hand.
How she intended to take a shower and actually get herself clean, Kara hadn’t thought that far ahead. Her head was so clouded with her determination to get by on her own that she wasn’t looking or thinking more than two feet ahead of her. She made it to the head but paused, hearing the raucous chatter from inside. Starbuck didn’t need anybody…but she sure as hell wasn’t going to take a shower with half the room staring at her struggling. A detour was implemented, heading a deck down to where her private quarters had been located this entire time. She’d been there once and only once, stepping in to look over the expanse of the room and trying to imagine her life in there. She had tried so hard to imagine Sam there with her, but as usual, her mind had gone to Lee Adama in some imagined scenario. Despite his admitted love, Kara couldn’t see Lee ever settling down with her and playing house in reality. Well, there wouldn’t have been much of house playing. Mostly they would have christened every single horizontal and vertical surface. Still, her and Lee sharing a small space together would probably have led to their early deaths.
Upon reaching the hatch, she was already tired, worn out from her previous injuries and the fact that she’d spent most of her recent time in a bed with little real movement and exercise. She tried to press her hand into the keypad beside the door to punch in the code that would unlock it. A dull burn radiated through her hand and she was unable to push the numbers correctly, her bandage always brushing into a neighboring button and ruining it in the end. She raised her elbow in a fresh attempt, bag still dangling over her arm and weighing it down, determined to get it right. It was an honest attempt and she nearly had it until the flesh of her elbow nudged yet another incorrect number and the process had to start all over. “Gods damn it!” Kara pounded her arm against the bulkhead. Starbuck didn’t need anybody, she told herself.
A few crew members down the hall paused briefly to look at the woman and her outburst but kept moving on. She would absolutely not ask for assistance.
“Need help?” Frak.
“No, Lee, I don’t need your frakking help.”
She was in a mood, but Lee didn’t abandon her, instead he raised his hand to the data pad beside the door and input a string of numbers. The locking mechanism inside sounded and the door released, able to be pulled open. He did that for her too, spinning the wheel rapidly and stepping aside to let her in. “Don’t tell my father I know his access number.” It wasn’t a real request, or so the smile on his face said. “What are you doing down here anyway?” Lee followed her inside, perhaps against better judgement.
Kara barely made it in before the pile of clothing and towels fell out of her arm and onto the nearby standard issue military table. That one item was probably older than her by a decade or two. “I needed a shower.”
He wrinkled his nose, as if her stench offended him. “You still never worked out that proper hygiene thing.” Lee was keeping her at a distance with the words chosen and he wasn’t sure if it was done for himself or for her. He hadn’t been clueless and not noticed the space she’d put between them. As much as it made him want to shake her, he respected it despite not understanding it entirely. Since they’d returned, that fear had coiled up tightly in his stomach. The algae planet was a bubble for them from reality and now they were back. They were back and so was Kara’s real life with that husband of hers. Lee knew he very much did not factor into the picture. He leaned over to pick up the clean sports bra she’d dropped, setting it on the table besides the other items. “Is this place yours?”
Kara headed to the side of the room where the small bathroom was. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to be considered absolute luxury on the ship. A toilet, a tiny shower, and an even tinier sink all cramped together in what barely would have been considered a closet even in her rat trap of an apartment in Delphi. All she wanted to do was get away from him, away from Sam, away from thoughts of how they couldn’t even properly send Kat out the airlock, her casket draped in a flag. They probably should have been conserving items like that, but despite how little resources they had remaining, they needed to preserve what humanity they had left in them. Everyone deserved as close to a proper burial as they could afford right now. “Yeah.”
“But why have you been in--” It all dawned on him suddenly and he stopped to nod to himself. Of course, his father could have just granted her the space for her to get some recovery in private, but he knew how tight space was on Galactica with the refugees and Pegasus’ crew having come over as well. This place wouldn’t have remained empty on the off chance someone needed it. It had to have been hers from the start. It was for her and Sam, a fact which made him both ache and hope. Ache because this was for her and her husband. Hope because she’d never let Sam see it. “Do you want me to turn the shower on for you?”
“Forget it.” She sank down onto the edge of the neatly made bed. Kara raised her hands in an expression of hopeless defeat. “I can’t do anything anyway. I just wanted to wash my hair, I feel disgusting.”
Lee paused. He could think of a million ways of getting her clean that involved them both with a lot less clothes than they currently had on. He’d probably get a knee to the groin - as a substitute for her inactive fists - for even suggesting it. A smile quirked over his lips at the thought of it, not because he enjoyed the thought of pain, but because it was just a truly Kara-like thing. He stepped into the small bathroom and turned the faucet on at the sink, letting it run until it was hot. The cold water handle was turned just a little so the scalding temperature was not nearly as lava-hot. He reappeared in the main room, pushing and rolling his sleeves up to the elbows before he dragged one of the small chairs at the table into the bathroom, putting the back of it to the edge of the sink. When he came back, Kara was eyeing him, still not putting the pieces together.
“Let’s go, Thrace.” There was a coy smile on his face and his words sounded suspiciously like an order.
“If you think I’m getting naked for you to ogle and soap me up, Adama,” she said, putting extra emphasis on his last name, “You’ve got another thing coming.” Despite her protests, she obliged and followed him in. He stood beside the sink, body sandwiched into the small space left. One of her towels was draped over the shoulder of his blue uniform, the shampoo bottle open in his hands as he waited for her. Kara was still, body unmoving as she watched him. She thought she knew him pretty well, but sometimes Lee Adama still surprised her. Kara stepped forward and sat in the chair, relaxing until her head came to rest over the lip of the sink.
Starbuck didn’t need anyone… but sometimes it was okay to want someone.
She felt Lee gather the long mess of her hair and run it under the tap. He cupped his hands together to collect some of the water and release it over her scalp where the stream of the faucet unfortunately didn’t quite reach. When it was thoroughly damp, he squeezed some of the shampoo into his hands, careful not to take more than he would need, and began to work it through her hair from roots on down. His hands were gentle, but strong, and Kara shut her eyes to enjoy the sensation of the massage he was giving her without even knowing it. She’d been cutting her own hair since she arrived on Galactica as a lieutenant, and as a result, it had been forever since someone other than herself had done this job. She could vaguely remember a weekend Zak slept over and they had showered together, but he hadn’t taken on this work for her.
Lee rinsed the soap from her hair and then worked a small dollop of conditioner in. He’d been foregoing that luxury since the cylons had returned to the colonies, knowing the females in the fleet needed it far more than him. When that too was rinsed out, he shut the water off and helped her to sit up, wrapping the towel around her hair while rubbing some of the excess water out. Kara had been quiet since they’d begun, in fact neither of them had said a thing. At any other moment, it would have bothered him and made him think something was wrong, but just like the night they shared together, it meant everything was absolutely all right.
“Thanks,” Kara said quietly, turning her head back to look at him.
“You’re welcome.” Lee followed her to the main space and went through her bag of shower items again, pulling out the hairbrush that had seen better days. She was already on the bed when he turned back around and he sat beside her to finish drying the tangle of blonde. Once satisfied, he ran the brush through it, starting at the ends and working up when he flushed out the lower knots.
“When I get these bandages off, you have to let me cut your hair.”
Lee laughed out loud and unrestrained, having to pause in his work. “I’m not letting you anywhere near me with scissors. I’m not you, I’m not frakking insane.”
Though he couldn’t see, she smiled wide. “We’ll borrow clippers from someone. I was the only reason your brother’s hair was ever regulation.”
The mention of his brother was bittersweet. Between Kara and his father, they hardly ever talked about Zak. Sure, things were particularly busy as of the last few years, but he could count the number of times his deceased brother had come up across both of his hands. “He was a lot braver than me.”
She nodded faintly. “He was so proud of you, though. Sometimes he talked about you so much I swore I knew you before we actually met.”
Lee did his best at keeping working. After all, she did have a lot of hair to get through, but mostly it was an idle distraction. “I was more proud of him. Sometimes I still forget he’s gone. Even with everything that’s happened and all the people we know that are dead, I forget. Someone does something and I can’t wait to call him and tell him about it.” He set the brush down and ran his fingers through her freshly combed hair. That action was for him instead of her. “He would be proud of you, too.”
Kara leaned back into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her, loosely cradling her form against his own. “I miss him all the time. Everyday.”
“So do I,” his voice shook as he spoke just above a whisper. Lee’s control wavered but this wasn’t the time or the place to let it out.
“Lee?”
“Hmm?” Eyelids closed, he simply enjoyed breathing in the smell of her soap. Lee ran his hands along both of her forearms in unison, stopping once his fingers touched the beginning of her bandages. Since they’d dressed and headed back to their bunk room after the events in the CAG’s office, this was all he had wanted: just to exist in close proximity to her.
“I’m going to leave Sam. For you.” She didn’t make any effort to move from his arms. Things were so much simpler for her when she didn’t have to look him in the eyes.
The motion of his hands stilled on her, palms growing clammy as he let her words soak into him. As much as he had wanted it, Lee had never truly thought the day would come. Even when they laid together in the sand of New Caprica, he hadn’t thought far enough ahead to imagine what their future would be like together.
There were a million things he wanted to say to her right then. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but she already knew. He could have thanked the Gods in a moment of sudden spirituality. He may have even pushed her down against the bed right then and there and proven it all to her. Lee knew, though, that nothing would ever properly express how he felt at her admission, so he wrapped his arms back around her, squeezed her, and kissed the side of her head.
He didn’t speak at more than a whisper, “We’ll be happy.”
author:
apodixis
spoilers: Through all seasons, though this takes place in an AU starting at the very end of season 2.
pairings: kara/lee, kara/sam
overall fic rating: R/NC-17
word count: 6,345
notes: See http://apodixis.livejournal.com/685.html for more information.
summary: If God isn't leading the fleet to Earth, can they ever find it?
Kara woke to the low thrumming of nearby machines and otherwise silence. The scent of antiseptic was in the air in the semi-sterile environment and though she hadn’t ever been happy to be there before, she was immediately thankful to be within the confines of Galactica’s Life Station. It meant she was safe and taken care of, even if the person keeping watch over her would be Doc Cottle. If she had to be near him to be away from that planet, she would take it.
Her eyes opened to the lights of the room, noting someone had thought to dim the one overhead for her. For that she was more than thankful. Though all the lights on Galactica tended to be harsh and unforgiving, the ones in the medical portion of the ship seemed to be particularly awful to endure. In all likelihood, these were the same lights that were throughout the rest of the large vessel and it was just the general mood of Life Station that tampered with her perceptions and memories of it. Being here usually wasn’t a good thing. There weren’t many happy memories associated with such a place, just painful ones: her own injuries, someone else’s death. The birth of Hera had been one hopeful moment in time, even if she and Sharon weren’t close back then and her feelings at the time had been iffy regarding the hybrid child. She had been happy for Helo, at the very least, but that happy moment passed quickly like all the others, replaced by the news of Hera’s death at barely a day old.
She tried to sit up higher against the slightly reclined bed, pushing her elbows into the mattress for help. It was a struggle and she barely managed to scoot herself up an inch or two before giving up. She turned her head to the side in something of frustration, finding Sam dozing in his seat by her side. Sammy. Kara smiled faintly as she watched him, the black tattoo on his arm visible to the room as he only wore the set of double tanks on his upper body. She couldn’t remember much of what happened after they made it back to Galactica since she had Lee use the last morpha dose on her at some point in flight on their return home. Their entire exodus from the algae planet was coated in some kind of fog for her, partially due to the medication, but also because she had been content in her exhausted state to let all the others do the work. They’d managed to get back with the things they could quickly pack up while she’d all but been slumped in the corner of the Raptor fighting sleep with Lee desperately trying to keep her awake until they got her proper medical attention. Where was Lee now, she wondered, but guilt stabbed at her. Her husband was beside her, that should have been enough.
“Sam,” she said, a little rough. “Sam.” Kara repeated it, her voice louder and firmer this time. A couple of feet away, his body jerked up at nearly full alert. That was a learned behavior, she knew, something he’d acquired in the months he had been trapped on Caprica, ready to die at any moment. Sometimes over their year of marriage, when he’d come to visit her on Pegasus, Sam woke just like that in the middle of the night, ready to strike or be struck. Nightmares, he’d always say, and would pull her close to find comfort as he tried once again to sleep.
“Kara,” he moved his chair in closer to her bedside, sitting right against it. “Need a nurse?” Sam instinctively went to take her hands to stroke them in a soothing manner, stopping abruptly as he saw her bandaged appendages and remembered just why she was there. He settled for stroking his fingers over her exposed forearm.
“No, no, I’m okay.” For those two weeks collecting algae and the night she’d spent with Lee before it had all begun, Kara hadn’t let herself feel guilt over what she was doing behind her husband’s back, but very much in front of the Gods. Sitting here with him, though, when they were nothing but quiet instead of their usual argumentative selves, all of it washed over her. This was Sam. Stupid, adorable, Sammy. The man she’d returned to Caprica for and who comforted her the first time she returned to her home planet, after Lee had pushed her away and all but called her an outright whore for her night with Baltar. He’d done nothing but stand by her through most things and she repaid him by sleeping with someone else. She tried to keep a neutral expression, but with the recent events still weighing on her, it proved most difficult.
“Hey - hey. What’s wrong? Shh.” Sam comforted her and leaned in to kiss her brow. All she thought about was when Lee had bandaged that very inch of skin for her and all the times he’d kissed it since then. Those thoughts only made it worse for her and when Sam pulled back, he could see the emotion in her eyes. “What’s going on Kara?”
Kara shook her head, sniffling to herself. Her hand rose to wipe away her tears, but was reminded of her injuries when the white gauze came into view. It only made things worse for her and what hold she had on herself was further lost. She really hated the person she’d become over the last two days. She was nothing but weak anymore.
They were interrupted when the privacy curtain pulled open. Sam turned his head to catch sight of the visitor, though he assumed it was Cottle or Ishay on hourly rounds to check up on the patients currently in sickbay. It wasn’t either of them, in fact, it was Lee with his flight suit tied around his waist. By the way he looked, Sam would even venture a guess to say that Apollo had just finished CAP, not even stopping by the head first before coming to check up on Kara. Lee had been careful to avoid Life Station when he knew Sam was there, but had obviously miscalculated this time.
“Sorry, I’ll-” Lee struggled with his words, eyes darting back and forth between the husband and wife. Kara turned to him and he saw the expression that marred her features. “Just wanted to check up on the CAG,” he offered his pathetic excuse to her but mostly Sam, though he knew there was no way the other man would buy it. Lee nodded his head to Anders in something of a peace offering between them and backed out, pulling the curtain closed. Once the barrier was in place between them, he turned and left Life Station, cursing under his breath the entire way.
Sam’s countenance had changed in those few moments and he moved to sit on just the edge of her bed though Kara wouldn’t look his way. “I know about you and Apollo,” he spoke, though he was mostly bluffing. He had no proof of something going on between them, just the feeling in his stomach and his heart when the two of them were around one another.
Kara froze in place, still not bothering to look back to him. She steeled herself for the conversation she knew was coming. “What about us?” A seasoned liar, she feigned innocence.
“Don’t lie to me, at least have the courage to own up to it.” He was angry but it didn’t show for much in the volume of his voice.
She finally turned her head to look up to him. “What do you want me to say, Sam?” The tactics changed and Kara gave up the somber attitude for one of slight aggression. If he was going to push her, she was going to push right back. “Could you try to pick a better time to have this fight? Say, when my hands aren’t covered in second and third degree burns? You’ve got great timing, Sammy.”
“Just frakking don’t, Kara.” His teeth clenched as he raised his voice, quick to restrain himself so they didn’t disturb the other patients and attract attention to themselves. “I knew what I was getting into when I married you. I could even tolerate you frakking some other guy, but him? Not Apollo.” His head shook to demonstrate his point.
“It was just a frak, it only happened once.” Kara admitted to her infidelity in their marriage finally and some weight was lifted from her, but was soon replaced with the crushing guilt over the pain she knew she was causing him.
“What was your plan? Frak him, pretend nothing happened? Or were you going to just drop the divorce papers in my lap one day?”
“Marriage is a sacrament, Sam.”
“And it means nothing if you act like you aren’t married!” Silence extended between them, both staring the other down. “Can I talk to Kara for once, not Starbuck?” The glare it got him was absolutely devastating and for a second, he regretted saying it all together. “If it was anyone else, I would know it meant nothing to you. But you and him… it’s different. You know, a few days after you saved me from Caprica, I asked around because I thought maybe you and him had something going on. Everyone told me no and I was stupid to believe them. Maybe you weren’t openly frakking back then, but there’s always been something between you. I’m right, aren’t I?”
Kara almost rolled her eyes and told him to frak off, but thought better of it. He was getting dangerously close to the truth of it all though, which was something she didn’t even admit to herself easily. It made her uncomfortable to realize Sam could know her like this. Even when they were happy together, part of the appeal of Sam was that he didn’t know much about her. He didn’t know about all the details regarding Zak and certainly not about the complications with Lee. He didn’t know about her mother or about how frakked up she certainly was. Sam was Sam. He was easy, a comfort, secure. Lee was the complete opposite. He was difficult, and while a comfort in some ways, he challenged her through and through. And secure? All they did was fight and be at one another’s throats constantly. But Gods, she had never gotten him off her mind, not in all the years since he’d showed up at her front door with a bouquet of flowers, finally ready to meet his brother’s girlfriend.
“I meant what I said, marriage is a sacrament from the Gods. I won’t break it. Not even for him.” That was her fear talking and taking over now. She’d thought about walking away from the marriage, even before that night in her office. She would walk away from Sam and finally let herself be with Lee, but the thought of actually going through with it terrified her, not because she didn’t want it, but because she wanted it so much. All these years, thoughts of Lee had been her fallback to think about. Maybe one day it would be perfect. She couldn’t stand to lose the hope if they went through with it and it all ended up a miserable mess. That, plus Lee would never be content to just let Kara share what she wanted to when she felt like it. He would push her until she was raw and knew everything about her. Kara wasn’t sure she was ever going to be ready for someone to know that much about her. Even with Zak, as much as she had adored and loved that man, she kept a comfortable layer between the truth and him. He had been perfect and she hadn’t wanted to ruin him with all her baggage.
Sam sighed beside her, his form visibly settling as his muscles gave up the fight. “I love you, Kara, but I don’t want this unless I can have all of you.” His blue eyes focused on her and though she so very much loved them, but she knew part of that reason was because when she saw his, she saw Lee’s as well. They weren’t the same shade, but it was about as close as she was going to get. “I’m going to give you an out. I want you to think about us and about him and make your choice. Whether it’s me, or him, or no one at all.” This out was as much for her as it was for him. He didn’t know what was happening with himself, if he was a cylon or human or just plain losing his mind. She felt her guilt and he felt his. What if he was a machine after all? Was it fair for Kara to be tied to him? He wasn’t giving her the full story about his suspicions and doubts, but it was all he could give her at that moment in time. “If you come back to me, we’ll stay married, we’ll move on and I swear on the Gods I’ll never even think about you and him again. But it’s a two-way street, Kara. If you’re with me, whatever you have with him is done, over with for good. It isn’t fair to you, it isn’t fair to him, and it sure as hell isn’t fair to me.”
“Sam…” She didn’t have words to express what she was feeling.
“If you want to be with Lee, then you have to tell him. I look at him and I actually feel bad for the guy,” he laughed briefly and quietly. “He’s in love with you and he knows it’s wrong. I know that look he’s got, because you give it to me too sometimes. If you want Apollo, then just go take it. You deserve to be happy and it’s taken me a long time to acknowledge it, but maybe you aren’t happiest with me anymore. I won’t ever be friends with him, that’s for sure, but I can figure it out.”
Her heart broke as she listened and watched as he spoke. Every bad decision she’d ever made that set this all in motion came back to her. Frakking Baltar that night and upsetting Lee. Running off to Caprica on a whim. Frakking Sam for the comfort of it and nothing more. Refusing to acknowledge what was growing between her and Lee once Sam was back. Saving him, that was one thing she didn’t regret. Marrying Sam just to save herself from the possibility of ever having to make a decision on what to do about Lee. That night two weeks prior, she felt guilt over it, but refused to regret it. She was guilty for hurting this man before her, the man who took vows before the Gods to love and honor her, and for that she would be eternally sorry, even if she never said it aloud. Kara closed her eyes despite the tears coating her eyes. She was sorry, but all she could see was the way Lee looked above her. How happy, absolutely content, he’d been when she allowed him and even asked him to tell her how he felt about her.
Kara felt him stand from her bed, the mattress returning to its original shape when not weighed down. She was too much of a coward at that moment to face him so she kept her eyes clenched tightly closed, feeling the kiss he laid to the top of her head and the caress of his palm against her cheek as he did so. The displacement of nearby air and echo of the tug of the curtain signaled his departure. When she was finally alone, she turned herself onto her side and buried her face into the pillow to try to find sleep.
-
Though in the past Kara had alway fought to escape sickbay even before she’d been cleared, she didn’t argue with Cottle this time. She was avoiding the reality of a series of situations that had sprung up around her. First, there was the question of Sam and Lee and the impossible choice she was being asked to make. Then there was Leoben. No one had mentioned the cylon to her since she last saw him in the temple on the now obliterated planet. Whether it was a conscious choice or not, and she was willing to bet Lee had orchestrated it on purpose, Kara had been kept in the Raptor devoid of their two cylon prisoners and the former President. She assumed he had survived in the end and been brought up to the ship, rather than allowed to merely die and download, but the subject hadn’t come up and she was doing as little interacting with anyone else as possible.
Sam had come to visit her every day since he’d given her the gentle ultimatum and most of the time she pretended to sleep even as she listened to his even breathing from beside her bed. Lee had stopped by as well, but he was all business with her. He had taken over CAG duties again, though he was careful to note to her that it was a temporary situation. When she was well enough and recovered, the position would be hers once more. Lee usually brought paperwork along with him and he kept his nose buried in it while silently enjoying the terrible company she made. She knew it was killing him to keep his distance, but as much as she may have cared about him, what she really needed was that cushion of space between them. She had to keep a clear head.
Cottle had just been in to check on the healing process of her hands when the curtain rustled. Kara held her breath, fearing it would be one of the two men she was dutifully avoiding. The appearance of the Admiral was a pleasant surprise, since she was yet to see him. His absence had hurt her, though she knew he had his hands full since they’d departed from the company of the cylon fleet. “Admiral,” Kara saluted lazily with one of her bound hands.
“At ease,” Adama said, but his voice was gentle and not at all military-like. “I’m sorry I haven’t been down sooner.” The apology was genuine and he took in the sight of her. She was still a little worse for wear, especially after enduring the pain of having her healing skin irritated by fresh bandages so she didn’t develop an infection. That was the real concern with an injury like that and Cottle had her pumped full of antibiotics in an added precaution to protect her. Like most of her visitors, he sat down on her bedside. His hand extended, brushing the hair away from her face despite how badly she knew it needed a washing. “I do love your hair this long.”
“You’re a sap.” Kara let her body and head relax back into the inclined half of the bed.
“That may be so.” He smiled wide at her and all her worries fluttered away for the briefest of seconds. It was a relief. Just as Cottle and his terrible bedside manner brought her security, so did the man that had become her surrogate father figure even before the fall of the colonies. “I’ve had Lee covering your duties while you get better.”
“I heard.”
“We can airlock him together if he doesn’t want to give them back.” A smile cracked over his lips and she returned it. It was truly the first time she’d smiled in days and felt something close to at ease. Of course the Old Man would be the one to do that for her.
“Why isn’t Anders with you?”
The jovial mood quickly faded and Kara’s eyes looked beyond him. “Trouble in paradise.”
“Ah.” It wasn’t even a word but it expressed a great deal to her. Adama was very unlike his eldest son. He didn’t push, at least not when it wasn’t absolutely necessary. “I was wondering why you’ve had that married billet this whole time yet you two were still in your bunks.” He raised an eyebrow at her.
Kara avoided his gaze. Though she knew he sometimes looked through the paperwork that passed through the ship, she hadn’t expect him to notice that she had in fact been issued quarters for her and her husband. Come to think of it, she realized he was probably the one that went out of his way to make sure she was given that comfort after things settled down on Galactica. Not only was she married, but she was one of the highest ranking officers left in the fleet. Having private quarters was an honor that she deserved, or at least he clearly thought so. He was probably also the reason she hadn’t been forced out of her bunk by another pilot looking to move on up to the senior quarters. Adama was always a step ahead. She both loved and hated that about him. “It’s just been complicated.” She left it at that. Putting aside that she didn’t have a clue about what to do in regards to Lee and Sam, the last conversation she wanted to be having was one with the Old Man about how she had now frakked both of his sons.
“Well I’ll keep it open as long as I can. Space is tight on the ship now, but no one’s asked any questions yet.” Not that he couldn’t do as he pleased. He was Zeus as far as the fleet was concerned, after all. “Cottle tells me you can leave whenever you want. I didn’t think it sounded like you to still be here when you were free to go, but now I assume this complicated you mentioned might be part of it.” He saw the expression she wore and opted to move on and not push her anymore than he already had. Kara Thrace could be like a stray dog sometimes. A gentle hand was necessary, but as gentle as one could be, most stray dogs snapped if you came too close. He was approaching that line. “I want to have a ceremony for Louanne Katraine when you’re well enough.”
She quickly looked up to him. Gods, she hadn’t even mentioned her to anyone since she’d told Lee about her death. That had to have been how Adama found out, although her lack of presence would have been clue enough to figure out she hadn’t made it off the planet. “Yes, sir. I’ll be out of here today, then.”
“Take as much time as you need.” Adama kissed her forehead and stood up, straightening his uniform as he turned back into the Admiral instead of just the Old Man that had given her a shot all those years ago. “But I do need your report on everything that happened. Either have someone write it for you, or wait until you can. Either way, Tigh will be expecting it.”
-
True to her word, Kara left Life Station later that day, though she was on her own. Ishay had suggested calling someone to help her back to her quarters, but Kara wouldn’t stand for it. She didn’t need anyone. Starbuck never needed anyone. Faced with her first hatch, however, she had the unfortunate realization that she really did frakking need someone. It took a couple minutes of lingering by the entrance to sickbay for someone to enter and she slipped out before they door was sealed behind them. She hurried, not wanting Ishay to notice and give her that smug look of satisfaction she was learning from Cottle. So doors were an issue. Starbuck still didn’t need anyone.
Luckily, the door to her bunk room was open. She ducked her head in a hello to Hot Dog, heading straight for her locker. The knob there wasn’t difficult and she managed to open it by careful maneuvering of a wrist. She was doped up for some of the residual pain, but the severity of it had faded as the days passed. Handling things with her bandaged hands still wasn’t the best idea, though she soldiered on nonetheless. Gathering her clothes was easy enough and she simply shoveled them into one arm held tightly to her chest. Her towel was added to the pile and the bag containing her shower items hooked over the other arm. She had the sudden understanding for how difficult it was for anyone who had ever lost a hand.
How she intended to take a shower and actually get herself clean, Kara hadn’t thought that far ahead. Her head was so clouded with her determination to get by on her own that she wasn’t looking or thinking more than two feet ahead of her. She made it to the head but paused, hearing the raucous chatter from inside. Starbuck didn’t need anybody…but she sure as hell wasn’t going to take a shower with half the room staring at her struggling. A detour was implemented, heading a deck down to where her private quarters had been located this entire time. She’d been there once and only once, stepping in to look over the expanse of the room and trying to imagine her life in there. She had tried so hard to imagine Sam there with her, but as usual, her mind had gone to Lee Adama in some imagined scenario. Despite his admitted love, Kara couldn’t see Lee ever settling down with her and playing house in reality. Well, there wouldn’t have been much of house playing. Mostly they would have christened every single horizontal and vertical surface. Still, her and Lee sharing a small space together would probably have led to their early deaths.
Upon reaching the hatch, she was already tired, worn out from her previous injuries and the fact that she’d spent most of her recent time in a bed with little real movement and exercise. She tried to press her hand into the keypad beside the door to punch in the code that would unlock it. A dull burn radiated through her hand and she was unable to push the numbers correctly, her bandage always brushing into a neighboring button and ruining it in the end. She raised her elbow in a fresh attempt, bag still dangling over her arm and weighing it down, determined to get it right. It was an honest attempt and she nearly had it until the flesh of her elbow nudged yet another incorrect number and the process had to start all over. “Gods damn it!” Kara pounded her arm against the bulkhead. Starbuck didn’t need anybody, she told herself.
A few crew members down the hall paused briefly to look at the woman and her outburst but kept moving on. She would absolutely not ask for assistance.
“Need help?” Frak.
“No, Lee, I don’t need your frakking help.”
She was in a mood, but Lee didn’t abandon her, instead he raised his hand to the data pad beside the door and input a string of numbers. The locking mechanism inside sounded and the door released, able to be pulled open. He did that for her too, spinning the wheel rapidly and stepping aside to let her in. “Don’t tell my father I know his access number.” It wasn’t a real request, or so the smile on his face said. “What are you doing down here anyway?” Lee followed her inside, perhaps against better judgement.
Kara barely made it in before the pile of clothing and towels fell out of her arm and onto the nearby standard issue military table. That one item was probably older than her by a decade or two. “I needed a shower.”
He wrinkled his nose, as if her stench offended him. “You still never worked out that proper hygiene thing.” Lee was keeping her at a distance with the words chosen and he wasn’t sure if it was done for himself or for her. He hadn’t been clueless and not noticed the space she’d put between them. As much as it made him want to shake her, he respected it despite not understanding it entirely. Since they’d returned, that fear had coiled up tightly in his stomach. The algae planet was a bubble for them from reality and now they were back. They were back and so was Kara’s real life with that husband of hers. Lee knew he very much did not factor into the picture. He leaned over to pick up the clean sports bra she’d dropped, setting it on the table besides the other items. “Is this place yours?”
Kara headed to the side of the room where the small bathroom was. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to be considered absolute luxury on the ship. A toilet, a tiny shower, and an even tinier sink all cramped together in what barely would have been considered a closet even in her rat trap of an apartment in Delphi. All she wanted to do was get away from him, away from Sam, away from thoughts of how they couldn’t even properly send Kat out the airlock, her casket draped in a flag. They probably should have been conserving items like that, but despite how little resources they had remaining, they needed to preserve what humanity they had left in them. Everyone deserved as close to a proper burial as they could afford right now. “Yeah.”
“But why have you been in--” It all dawned on him suddenly and he stopped to nod to himself. Of course, his father could have just granted her the space for her to get some recovery in private, but he knew how tight space was on Galactica with the refugees and Pegasus’ crew having come over as well. This place wouldn’t have remained empty on the off chance someone needed it. It had to have been hers from the start. It was for her and Sam, a fact which made him both ache and hope. Ache because this was for her and her husband. Hope because she’d never let Sam see it. “Do you want me to turn the shower on for you?”
“Forget it.” She sank down onto the edge of the neatly made bed. Kara raised her hands in an expression of hopeless defeat. “I can’t do anything anyway. I just wanted to wash my hair, I feel disgusting.”
Lee paused. He could think of a million ways of getting her clean that involved them both with a lot less clothes than they currently had on. He’d probably get a knee to the groin - as a substitute for her inactive fists - for even suggesting it. A smile quirked over his lips at the thought of it, not because he enjoyed the thought of pain, but because it was just a truly Kara-like thing. He stepped into the small bathroom and turned the faucet on at the sink, letting it run until it was hot. The cold water handle was turned just a little so the scalding temperature was not nearly as lava-hot. He reappeared in the main room, pushing and rolling his sleeves up to the elbows before he dragged one of the small chairs at the table into the bathroom, putting the back of it to the edge of the sink. When he came back, Kara was eyeing him, still not putting the pieces together.
“Let’s go, Thrace.” There was a coy smile on his face and his words sounded suspiciously like an order.
“If you think I’m getting naked for you to ogle and soap me up, Adama,” she said, putting extra emphasis on his last name, “You’ve got another thing coming.” Despite her protests, she obliged and followed him in. He stood beside the sink, body sandwiched into the small space left. One of her towels was draped over the shoulder of his blue uniform, the shampoo bottle open in his hands as he waited for her. Kara was still, body unmoving as she watched him. She thought she knew him pretty well, but sometimes Lee Adama still surprised her. Kara stepped forward and sat in the chair, relaxing until her head came to rest over the lip of the sink.
Starbuck didn’t need anyone… but sometimes it was okay to want someone.
She felt Lee gather the long mess of her hair and run it under the tap. He cupped his hands together to collect some of the water and release it over her scalp where the stream of the faucet unfortunately didn’t quite reach. When it was thoroughly damp, he squeezed some of the shampoo into his hands, careful not to take more than he would need, and began to work it through her hair from roots on down. His hands were gentle, but strong, and Kara shut her eyes to enjoy the sensation of the massage he was giving her without even knowing it. She’d been cutting her own hair since she arrived on Galactica as a lieutenant, and as a result, it had been forever since someone other than herself had done this job. She could vaguely remember a weekend Zak slept over and they had showered together, but he hadn’t taken on this work for her.
Lee rinsed the soap from her hair and then worked a small dollop of conditioner in. He’d been foregoing that luxury since the cylons had returned to the colonies, knowing the females in the fleet needed it far more than him. When that too was rinsed out, he shut the water off and helped her to sit up, wrapping the towel around her hair while rubbing some of the excess water out. Kara had been quiet since they’d begun, in fact neither of them had said a thing. At any other moment, it would have bothered him and made him think something was wrong, but just like the night they shared together, it meant everything was absolutely all right.
“Thanks,” Kara said quietly, turning her head back to look at him.
“You’re welcome.” Lee followed her to the main space and went through her bag of shower items again, pulling out the hairbrush that had seen better days. She was already on the bed when he turned back around and he sat beside her to finish drying the tangle of blonde. Once satisfied, he ran the brush through it, starting at the ends and working up when he flushed out the lower knots.
“When I get these bandages off, you have to let me cut your hair.”
Lee laughed out loud and unrestrained, having to pause in his work. “I’m not letting you anywhere near me with scissors. I’m not you, I’m not frakking insane.”
Though he couldn’t see, she smiled wide. “We’ll borrow clippers from someone. I was the only reason your brother’s hair was ever regulation.”
The mention of his brother was bittersweet. Between Kara and his father, they hardly ever talked about Zak. Sure, things were particularly busy as of the last few years, but he could count the number of times his deceased brother had come up across both of his hands. “He was a lot braver than me.”
She nodded faintly. “He was so proud of you, though. Sometimes he talked about you so much I swore I knew you before we actually met.”
Lee did his best at keeping working. After all, she did have a lot of hair to get through, but mostly it was an idle distraction. “I was more proud of him. Sometimes I still forget he’s gone. Even with everything that’s happened and all the people we know that are dead, I forget. Someone does something and I can’t wait to call him and tell him about it.” He set the brush down and ran his fingers through her freshly combed hair. That action was for him instead of her. “He would be proud of you, too.”
Kara leaned back into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her, loosely cradling her form against his own. “I miss him all the time. Everyday.”
“So do I,” his voice shook as he spoke just above a whisper. Lee’s control wavered but this wasn’t the time or the place to let it out.
“Lee?”
“Hmm?” Eyelids closed, he simply enjoyed breathing in the smell of her soap. Lee ran his hands along both of her forearms in unison, stopping once his fingers touched the beginning of her bandages. Since they’d dressed and headed back to their bunk room after the events in the CAG’s office, this was all he had wanted: just to exist in close proximity to her.
“I’m going to leave Sam. For you.” She didn’t make any effort to move from his arms. Things were so much simpler for her when she didn’t have to look him in the eyes.
The motion of his hands stilled on her, palms growing clammy as he let her words soak into him. As much as he had wanted it, Lee had never truly thought the day would come. Even when they laid together in the sand of New Caprica, he hadn’t thought far enough ahead to imagine what their future would be like together.
There were a million things he wanted to say to her right then. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but she already knew. He could have thanked the Gods in a moment of sudden spirituality. He may have even pushed her down against the bed right then and there and proven it all to her. Lee knew, though, that nothing would ever properly express how he felt at her admission, so he wrapped his arms back around her, squeezed her, and kissed the side of her head.
He didn’t speak at more than a whisper, “We’ll be happy.”