What the fuck is happening with Thursday.
I was trapped asleep by a succession of dreams, including one where I was taxed of my pay raise at work for reasons relating to "wanting to incentivise you to improve your blood pressure, we can't really continue to employ you if it's that high" (the fuck?) and a nurse being bemused that my (something to do with heart and lungs) was astronomically bad when the rest of my health was so good, and suggesting that it was an anomaly. Jess says the meaning of this is obvious but all I can think about is "arbitrary, nonsensical punishment" and my mother's stupid fucking "everything is a sign from the universe [about what you're doing WRONG]" leading to schizophrenic symptoms when I was in my late teens (THE TV IS TELLING ME TO KILL MYSELF).
Went for alleged brunch with Jess today as planned but fucked it because I was being a lazy slow shitsack and failed to get there in time for the breakfast menu, meaning there wasn't actually anything I could eat; changed my plans to be "stay here and edit" given that Owen's has power sockets and WiFi and I had my tablet with me. Which is what I did until some grim yummies came and polited me out of my spot; I got the editing done and even emailed the events person (who excitedly emailed me back the floorplans and didn't tell me off at all for being rude or awful?; why am i so convinced that everyone i speak to is going to yell at me oh wait abuse)... then had a mild breakdown about a stranger being enthusiastic and happy to help me even though i explicitly wasn't giving her any money, and went home.
Feeling DIRE despite lunch, I got on a bus to town; read more of The Janissary Tree (recommended: gender variance, sexuality, and faith and multicultralism worked into the narrative like it ain't no thang, like it wasn't, and like it's natural, and I love that kind of writing: the "I ain't explaining any more than I absolutely need to" with odd nuggets of info), went to various shops, got wound up by people (mostly men) staring at my face a lot, nearly yelled at someone who smiled at me, and a bubble tea on the grounds that dietary requirements are less important than not screaming on public transport.
If I continue to feel shitty tomorrow I'm going to the fucking Mall and buying a helium balloon because I am an adult and no one, not even God, can stop me from fulfilling my fucking balloon-owning needs.