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[apiphile]

This is a reminder to myself that my brain turns into toxic waste every January, that this paranoia is mental health related, and that we are in a recession and no one is fucking judging me for not having a job interview after less than a month of half-assed looking. I have friends with better qualifications and more experience who have been out of

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[wolfy_writing]

The only time I've ever been able to find a job in less than a year was when it involved being hired by my father. And I know so many extremely employable people who have gone considerably longer trying to find anything. It isn't you that sucks, it's the economy.

Yeah, your brain is being pointlessly mean. I mean if "Having anything in common with someone else means you're exactly like them", then the whole "Vegetarian who paints" thing would make me Hitler. (Although I get that this is one of those "Only applies to the self, and not to any other people" things.)

There isn't much more than a month until March, so reminding yourself things will get better than is good.

[apiphile]

Yeah, and the fact that there are fewer jobs coming up than there were this time last year kind of signals that too. :(

It's more that because they're my parents I don't have any choice but to turn into them and everything I do just leads me back to being a delusional self-important unemployed arts fucker. See also: both of my parents.

Either they'll get better or I'll get less wound up by it.

[wolfy_writing]

I'm wondering if people in the Great Depression were as prone to self-blame over 'laziness' as the people I know in this one are?

Well, the only parts of that I'd agree with is that you're currently unemployed and you do arts.

Given that positive thinking (while not the magic that obnoxious jackasses like to make it seem) does have some positive effects, being less wound up is likely to make things tangibly better in some way.

[apiphile]

I'm guessing not since the whole poisonous WINNERS BY STATE OF MIND mentality self-help business didn't start up until after WW2, and job-hunting in those days was more physical, so you couldn't feel like "well I'm just sitting at home all day" (yeah, because everyone takes applications online, derpface). But hey, economic depression and the emotional kind clearly go together.

Yeah one of the positive effects is "I feel less like ass and can therefore DO THINGS instead of being paralysed by my own inadequacy"...

[wolfy_writing]

Yeah, these days people are less likely to load the family up in a car to California and more likely to check every online database they can find. (When I was out of work, I'd go to the library a lot, because I could get both free wifi and the completely irrational sense that sending out resumes by email in a completely different building was more of a real accomplishment than doing it at home.)

Feeling better makes it easier to do things, and doing enough things eventually leads to something going right (although sometimes it takes a damn long time), which leads to more feeling better.

[apiphile]

That's part of the reason I end up at the library for longer writing projects - the internet connection is actually worse there and I don't refer to the books but it feels like a slightly better ... more work-ish environment (also it's full of annoying crazy people and people who smell horrendous so I have an incentive to finish faster).

Yup! VICIOUS FEEDBACK LOOP.

[wolfy_writing]

It's quite difficult to feel like work done at home is Real Work even when one is getting paid, let alone when one isn't.

For all of the wonderfully noble stories about going after life like a hero, working harder and perfecting oneself until one is Finally Worthy, what I find actually effective is to go after life like a spammer, all "Does this work? How about this? How about this?"

[apiphile]

And if you're not getting paid it's sodding impossible to go to have, like, a studio or something to work in that helps you feel like you're doing something. God bless libraries.

YES. YES. The fish reproduction method of life success, just keep shitting out fish eggs until some of them make it to adulthood. Sitting on things and not doing shit because it is "not good enough" is stupid and pointless argh why am I DOING THIS.

[wolfy_writing]

Even now, if I want to get any writing done, I'm much better off in a cafe or restaurant than trying to accomplish things at home.

I find it's really easy to fall into unhelpful patterns of thought if they're the sort of thing that make for good stories. I've read some interesting stuff about humans having a natural tendency to think narratively (which is a huge step up in effective problem solving from other animals, but is nonetheless rather error-prone), and I know that many of my most difficult-to-shake bad mental habits are of the It Works Like That In Stories variety.

[apiphile]

Yeah for some reason it's a lot easier to concentrate in not-home surroundings. I wonder why? Maybe travelling is a kind of creative do-dah.

I've read some interesting stuff about humans having a natural tendency to think narratively (which is a huge step up in effective problem solving from other animals, but is nonetheless rather error-prone)

Hella useful for long-term planning and so on but bad because we mistake the stories for reality instead of metaphors. I've got to the repeated idea that this is not a story/if it is I am not the protagonist, and there will be no ascendency arc for me, I haven't quite got to the "stop being a whiny crybaby about it" part.

[wolfy_writing]

I think going places and being in a different setting can put the brain in more of a "think of new things" state? I know on the introvert-extrovert front, I test as extroverted, and I tend to mentally stagnate with too much isolation and familiarity. So I don't know if it's a personality type thing or a general rule.

I've noticed other people make my life sound more narrative and planned than it really was, and don't quite believe me if I correct them. They seem to equate things going well with being the successful protagonist of a story.

[apiphile]

I'm pretty sure travel is one of those general things. I'm fairly squarely introverted & drained by doing new things, but moving from one familiar place to another one seems to be a good way to kickstart brane.

YES. Or even just the idea that the shit that's happened/in in your life is building towards some kind of crescendo. NOPE.

[wolfy_writing]

I once read this old interview by one of the guys from Aerosmith, and he was talking about how drugs would provide a temporary creativity boost, but after he went off them, he realized it wasn't actually more than he'd get from doing something like using a different guitar. So basically anything that makes you look at things differently can be good for creativity.

Yeah, and that's the sort of narrative it's really easy to retrofit onto someone else's story, because things keep going the same way until something changes in some way, and it's easy to go "Well, it's all been building towards the change!" instead of "Well, that happened."

[apiphile]

Well I went to an art gallery today and feel rather better for it, if nothing else.

Yeah! Oh, humans.

[wolfy_writing]

Art galleries always make things better.