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[apiphile]

Blog Posts
Daphne Oram: Sound Engineer & ComposerA random thought, on rewatching Maurice: "That's what they do, though. They teach you; the thing you want most is wrong and filthy and hideous, and if anyone reciprocates it will be for gain, or because you have bullied them into it. No one will ever want you the way you want them

Comments

[wolfy_writing]

Internalized homophobia bites, doesn't it?

[apiphile]

The really shit part is that it's like malaria. You think you're over it, and then it just comes back a bit later and debilitates you all over again on some sort of cycle of its own determining. So fucking frustrating when you realise it's probably never going to fully rescind its claws from you. :(

[wolfy_writing]

Yeah, it's be great if life was like movies and it was possible to have some big moment of realization and then go "That issue is totally taken care of! I now have a healthy attitude on that front and won't have the negative thoughts come back to get me anymore."

[apiphile]

I know - it's so fucking DULL coming back to the same thought pattern over and over and just ... it's boring as anything for me, I cannot imagine what it must be like to listen to. "Oh, Del's whinging about internalised homophobia again, can't she just go off and fuck a lady or something" Well yes I CAN but then I have to HATE MYSELF FOR IT for a week afterwards...

[wolfy_writing]

I think it's probably way more tedious for you, because other people aren't around every single second and privy to every single thought, so you have to deal with way more of it. Also, when it's a friend you care about, there's less of a tendency to be bored by their problem.

[apiphile]

guess it's true, I don't exactly write down every single instance...

[wolfy_writing]

And you're not forcing anyone to read the way you're forced to listen to your thoughts.