What Would Happen If I Wrote An Honest CV/Resumé
Name: Everyone calls me Derek. I go by the name Derek Des Anges. Normally I wouldn't tell you this, and in fact the only reason I haven't had my name changed legally is I don't want potential employers searching for me online and finding all that gay, incestuous, occasionally hebephilic, kinky, weird porn I write.
Education: I scraped a weird set of GCSEs by being pandered to entirely by my school, ditto A-Levels, and I have the world's most useless degree which I put approximately no effort into.
Skills: Absolutely fucking none. I cannot even make a cup of tea properly.
Work History:
1999: Work Experience I Pretend Was A Real Job
Panic attacks
Putting books in order
Messing about with the library ordering system
1999-2001: Weekend Job That Paid So Little People In Sweatshops Would Be Appalled
Putting things in envelopes
Arguing about music with some guy I vaguely fancied
Really long lunchbreaks
Like, really long
2000: Work Experience That I Got Paid For
Completely failing to complete any tasks
Taking lots of confiscated drugs
Showing up very, very drunk
Missing one day of the ten due to aforementioned drugs
Sleeping at work a lot
2002: Shitty Retail Job I Got Fired From After Three Days
Combing wigs
Standing around looking bored
Not being allowed to sit down
Flirting with drunk teenagers
2003: Job At University
Not actually doing anything I was being paid to do
Taking speed in the toilets
Reading course books and pretending to be invisible
2004: Work Experience That I Also Pretend Was A Real Job
Fucking about on the internet
Making up disgusting jokes with my boss
Drinking at work
Occasionally correcting people's spelling in a morally superior snotty fashion.
2004-2005: Part-Time Job I Pretend Was Full-Time
Fucking about on the internet
Hating the MD so much it nearly gave me an ulcer
Long lunchbreaks
Not actually being allowed to do anything
2005: Job In Which I Took The Piss To An Amazing Extent
Fucking about on the internet
European-length lunchbreaks
Lying about how much work I was doing
Heat Magazine
Text message Olympics
Gold-medal piss-taking
2005-2006: The Most Annoying Boss I Have Ever Had
Fucking about on the internet
Attempting to communicate in emails made entirely of poetry
Copious tea consumption
Showing up drunk in the afternoons along with rest of colleagues
Self-harm in the toilets
Refusing to plug my phone in
Fighting with my boss because she was a psychotic bitch
Text message Olympics
Writing gay porn at work
Hating people who despite being paid 3x what I was earning to do half the work, couldn't be bothered to uphold their part of the deal, ie MARKING THEIR CHANGES
2006: Job Where I Spent More Time Educating My Colleagues Than Working
Fucking about on the internet
Reading books under the desk
Trying to avoid phoning people as requested
Explaining concepts like "religious tolerance" to the cretins I worked with
2006: Job Where I Once Worked A 14-Hour Day
Fucking about on the internet
Crying because the air-con was broken
Having a wildly inappropriate crush on my boss
Actual work. Quite a lot of it.
2007-present: The World's Most Monotonous Job
RSI
Daydreaming
Piss-taking length of toilet breaks
Audiobooks
A monkey could do this job
Text message Olympics
Writing gay porn at work
Interests: Faghaggery, cocaine, writing porn, irresponsible behaviour, bad television, foreign travel, being a sexual menace, messenger programs, fellating photoshop, trying to give myself gout, gin.
Achievements: Despite my best efforts I am not dead yet. Also, I have a pirate costume I made myself. I can wear it to the interview if you like.
Education: I scraped a weird set of GCSEs by being pandered to entirely by my school, ditto A-Levels, and I have the world's most useless degree which I put approximately no effort into.
Skills: Absolutely fucking none. I cannot even make a cup of tea properly.
Work History:
1999: Work Experience I Pretend Was A Real Job
1999-2001: Weekend Job That Paid So Little People In Sweatshops Would Be Appalled
2000: Work Experience That I Got Paid For
2002: Shitty Retail Job I Got Fired From After Three Days
2003: Job At University
2004: Work Experience That I Also Pretend Was A Real Job
2004-2005: Part-Time Job I Pretend Was Full-Time
2005: Job In Which I Took The Piss To An Amazing Extent
2005-2006: The Most Annoying Boss I Have Ever Had
2006: Job Where I Spent More Time Educating My Colleagues Than Working
2006: Job Where I Once Worked A 14-Hour Day
2007-present: The World's Most Monotonous Job
Interests: Faghaggery, cocaine, writing porn, irresponsible behaviour, bad television, foreign travel, being a sexual menace, messenger programs, fellating photoshop, trying to give myself gout, gin.
Achievements: Despite my best efforts I am not dead yet. Also, I have a pirate costume I made myself. I can wear it to the interview if you like.