update a year later
factory - barely survived end of the year, picked up a bit in the spring but still stressful, lost more people and manager increasingly volatile. tried to quit in April but was convinced to stay, focusing more on inspection and less machining. had burnout get much worse in May and threatened to fire me by july, laid off end of august. imposter syndrome and anxiety all summer, burnout started to get a little better early september.
more focus on NEW music filling in since starting the project years, finally cleaning storage drive for my complete library, FINISHED the first project added a lot of ani difranco; major accomplishment! getting some of the 2nd discovery project completed. enjoying podcasts with fortune feimster and sarah silverman
followed some event pages to try and go to things where i might meet people with whom i could share worldviews possibly...exercise for walking downtown, parks to read in, showing up for the art and music if i have it on the calander. silent reading club once a month, LGBTQ social every tuesday is available if i have the spoons. markets and downtown business events with mom and dad, trying to get Andrea and the kids over.
house - roxanne being completely insane about the lease still got electric started then had to stop all summer, finally trying to finish now. had to serve her a 60 days, refusing to sign because of maintenance, multiple back and forth versions with Luis. finally got it settled by first week of september and flying out in january for inspection and start search for new tenants subletting from Luis. she will be out end of the year. had to fix thermostat and HVAC over the winter and pay taxes wiped out all the rental income until july.
memoir - the year never really calmed down and then the episode of panic/anxious/intense anger after Luis's visit through the end of june; email documents and text screenshots saved on desktop to be resumed once he has the capacity to address the issues (of course i have to wait on his therapy first, but much worse the "couples" which is mostly HER fault). feeling barely functional at work=gained back weight that i had lost. winter stress got me up to 170 but was down to 160 mid-april and made it to 150 beginning of july. then noticed i felt fat in august, had given up on restricting drinks 2-3 to the weekend, then after getting laid off was there every few days for tacos, lemon drop, spicy coffee. thought about how i want to start the memoir and see how much i could do in a few months of collecting unemployment until things have to get done at the house beginning next year. still procrastinating with the sorting music library task
got a new kitten, symphony (after of destruction) in june, she was born on eric's birthday at aubree's.
just met neighbors a few weeks ago other end of the building have a piano on thier front porch; gay couple with succulents and interested in similar music queer alternative. older guy is more chill, maybe mid-40s; younger is my age but seems mid-20s intense has issues with dissociation and probably insecurity, almost definitely adhd hard to respond at times
luis's 2nd visit (this past april) was a fiasco between his inability to stop being on the phone or notice that it's rude to not give me attention when i've explicitly requested it after being frustrated with said phone apps. we are way too incompatible/he refuses to grow up and i always feel like i'm struggling to be visible/that my perspective or interests matter despite not being what he's already into. he was always checkign every single conversation (excuse of planning with freinds) or the door camera or the fiance text. SHE WAS CHEATING ON HIM AT HER EVENT AND PLANNING TO KEEP DOING SO AT THE NEXT ONE. he was completely emotionally unavailable and shut down whenever i tried to talk about the issues, was defensive about anything to do with the fiance even though she was guilty of everything and RUINED what was supposed to be a nice break/vacation. luis never kissed me, never initiated, and slept on teh floor after complaining. but spent the entire eyar before saying how he would be better than last time and have more time but it was so much worse because of how ignored and disengaged i felt. he spent the whoel time dumping about his freinds' plans/trauma/excuses why he was pre-occupied; he woudl only ever talk about what distracted him on the phone and accused me of being controlling when i siad he shoudl compromise. i dont remember any focus or care about what was going on in my life at all, and he coudlnt even see how toxic that was
many text and emails in the weeks following i was barely functional and even after 4 months of "couples counseling" he finds her still lying about even more stuff she had done back in april...but refused to break up or get any distance from her the whole time. she had lied to cover up more lies about cheating and he was in the worst denial about all of it, getting very toxic while i was trying to communicate through the end of june. eventually i'll read the ONLY email reply he bothered with a whole 2 months later. EVERYTHING ALL SUMMER WAS SO DISGUSTINGLY PERFORMATIVE it triggered me to 2016 when i was dissociated for years, feeling like i had no identity beyond survival.