(no subject)
don't be fooled by the face i wear, for i wear a thousand masks, & none of them are me. i give you the impression that i am secure, that confidence is my name & coolness is my game, & that i need no one. but don't believe me. beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in aloneness, in fear. i create a mask to hide behind, to shield me from the glance that knows. but such a glance is precisely my salvation. that is, if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love. it is the only thing that can liberate me from my own self-built prison walls. i am afraid that deep down i am nothing, that i'm just no good, that you will reject me. & so begins the parade of masks. i idly chatter to you. i tell you everything that's really nothing & nothing of what's everything; of what's crying within me. please listen carefully & try to hear what i'm not saying. i would really like to be genuine & spontaneous, & me. but you've got to help me. you've got to hold out your hand. each time you are kind & gentle & encouraging; each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings - feeble wings - but wings, nonetheless. with your sensitivity & sympathy & your power of understanding, you alone can release me from my shallow world of uncertainty. it will not be easy for you. the nearer you approach me, the blinder i may strike back. but i am told that love is stronger than strong walls, & in this lies my only hope. please try to beat down these walls with firm hands, but gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive. who am i, you wonder. i am everyone you meet.
a few things that most people do not know about me:
- i frequently go for late-night walks.
- if i look someone in the eye when i speak to them, it means i trust them.
- i've only ever had one real girlfriend.
- i pray just about every night.
- i write very often.
- i rarely cry; after awhile i'll have a "breakdown" which i can usually sense
beforehand.
- besides my parents, there are really only three people who know "the most"
about me.
- i am married.
- my feet get cold very easily, and they stay cold.
- one of my favorite places in my house is the upstairs area outside of my
bedroom. there is a couch, it is a good place for a nap, to read or write,
or to talk with someone for hours.
- hand holding is [one of] my favorite gesture, though i have experienced it
little.
- i frequently talk to my aunt about what is going on in my life.
- sometimes i will repeatedly listen to a saved voicemail message, just because
the sound of the person's voice makes me feel better.
- i feel lonely, for many reasons.
a few things that most people do not know about me:
- i frequently go for late-night walks.
- if i look someone in the eye when i speak to them, it means i trust them.
- i've only ever had one real girlfriend.
- i pray just about every night.
- i write very often.
- i rarely cry; after awhile i'll have a "breakdown" which i can usually sense
beforehand.
- besides my parents, there are really only three people who know "the most"
about me.
- i am married.
- my feet get cold very easily, and they stay cold.
- one of my favorite places in my house is the upstairs area outside of my
bedroom. there is a couch, it is a good place for a nap, to read or write,
or to talk with someone for hours.
- hand holding is [one of] my favorite gesture, though i have experienced it
little.
- i frequently talk to my aunt about what is going on in my life.
- sometimes i will repeatedly listen to a saved voicemail message, just because
the sound of the person's voice makes me feel better.
- i feel lonely, for many reasons.