Grow
I can feel the fibres of my muscles creaking and stretching to suit their newfound need, I am excited to see the progress of this body as I use it more and more. I think it is certainly fascinating to have this gift of bone and blood and skin, to watch as cuts heal and leave me dappled with scars, hairs fall out and grow back, and pain and pleasure and so many other feelings that I can feel so much more becasue I can feel them viscerally...
My first rowing regatta is going to be in March, and so I have a great deal more growing to do before then. I hope my team mates will like me, or will even be compatible as friends. I am not going to try to be anyone other than myself, but I do see the allure in pretending just to be liked.
I have been having more dreams--Last nights were all fragmented, but I remember a particular dream-phase where I was trying to find my way in a vast expanse of jigsaw-like patches of land. It was like driving through wheat fields, but each was its own sovereign continent, and glided about on a substrate of water. My perception would switch from ground level to birds-eye, and I could see myself below weaving between the land peices.
There was a feeling that some sort of catastrophe was about to happen....maybe not so much a catastrophe, but a very large and somewhat scary event, apocalyptic. I guess I don't t really see the idea of an apocalypse as scary though...just an exciting challenge.
I seem to have a lot of dreams like that, where the human race is in it's "evening" as it were. I am usually very excited and am watching things fall apart for humans as some other thing arises.
This is no deviation from my waking thoughts--not to seem overly dystopian. I love people, but I love change even more than people themselves. The fact that people change as much as they do makes them even more appealing, but I have learned not to become overly attached to the idea of any particular thing...I guess that just exemplefies what I am talking about.
In other news, there is romance on the horizon. I am very fascinated by this particular relationship, a polyamorous one, because there lies a solution to the previous problem I have had with relationships, which is the feeling of being "owned" or "trapped". Here, I am free to come and go as I please. The basis of the relationship is friendship itself--the sex is just a bonus.
The other girl is also quite appealing to me, all the more reason to explore this option.
I just worry that I am not experienced enough--There aren't any expectations for me, but I know that the other two are much more capable lovers. I am sure I will learn more in time.
This is another bonus of this human shape I inhabit--it can interact with other humans in the most fascinating ways! Really, in the corporeal, intellectual, and spiritual means I am certain there must be no other organism quite as sophisticated as we...that's not to say that the others are entirely incapable, however, as many a close bond has been formed between humans and other animals.
And the meanings that can be attached to a single act are all so different! Take sex, for instance--It can be a display of affection, of dominance, ownership, an affirmation, it can mean very little at all, or it can be an attempt at a deeper level of intellectual and sensual communication. This just scratches the surface, however, because most of the time it is a combination of things.
It blows me away, this meat shell, a chrysalis of adipose and myelin and keratin and fear and joy and hate. It is the lens through which I have the priviledge of perceiving the world around me.
Well, anyway, that's pretty much the nature of what I think about in my spare time.
My first rowing regatta is going to be in March, and so I have a great deal more growing to do before then. I hope my team mates will like me, or will even be compatible as friends. I am not going to try to be anyone other than myself, but I do see the allure in pretending just to be liked.
I have been having more dreams--Last nights were all fragmented, but I remember a particular dream-phase where I was trying to find my way in a vast expanse of jigsaw-like patches of land. It was like driving through wheat fields, but each was its own sovereign continent, and glided about on a substrate of water. My perception would switch from ground level to birds-eye, and I could see myself below weaving between the land peices.
There was a feeling that some sort of catastrophe was about to happen....maybe not so much a catastrophe, but a very large and somewhat scary event, apocalyptic. I guess I don't t really see the idea of an apocalypse as scary though...just an exciting challenge.
I seem to have a lot of dreams like that, where the human race is in it's "evening" as it were. I am usually very excited and am watching things fall apart for humans as some other thing arises.
This is no deviation from my waking thoughts--not to seem overly dystopian. I love people, but I love change even more than people themselves. The fact that people change as much as they do makes them even more appealing, but I have learned not to become overly attached to the idea of any particular thing...I guess that just exemplefies what I am talking about.
In other news, there is romance on the horizon. I am very fascinated by this particular relationship, a polyamorous one, because there lies a solution to the previous problem I have had with relationships, which is the feeling of being "owned" or "trapped". Here, I am free to come and go as I please. The basis of the relationship is friendship itself--the sex is just a bonus.
The other girl is also quite appealing to me, all the more reason to explore this option.
I just worry that I am not experienced enough--There aren't any expectations for me, but I know that the other two are much more capable lovers. I am sure I will learn more in time.
This is another bonus of this human shape I inhabit--it can interact with other humans in the most fascinating ways! Really, in the corporeal, intellectual, and spiritual means I am certain there must be no other organism quite as sophisticated as we...that's not to say that the others are entirely incapable, however, as many a close bond has been formed between humans and other animals.
And the meanings that can be attached to a single act are all so different! Take sex, for instance--It can be a display of affection, of dominance, ownership, an affirmation, it can mean very little at all, or it can be an attempt at a deeper level of intellectual and sensual communication. This just scratches the surface, however, because most of the time it is a combination of things.
It blows me away, this meat shell, a chrysalis of adipose and myelin and keratin and fear and joy and hate. It is the lens through which I have the priviledge of perceiving the world around me.
Well, anyway, that's pretty much the nature of what I think about in my spare time.