Smallville Rambly (very rambly) Thoughts
So remember how I was gonna watch for the giggles and try to fancy myself a recapper?
Yeah. I got broken.
I did watch Metallo and Rabid. And I tried to laugh at them. But I just felt too dirty.
As so many of you think of Smallville as a bad ex, you'll get this.
See, I was at that stage of the break-up where I started missing the sex (here, the sex would be AM's acting, some of CF's acting, Tom's pretty poutiness). I thought I could enjoy that sex without the emotional attachment. So I went back, trying to keep my feelings out of it. But I felt dirty and used in the end. So I'm resolving not to go back again.
For real this time.
I hope.
But it really is hard when Friday comes around to stay away.
It's just that I invested so much in this reltionship and it's hard to say it's over. I mean I've accepted that he doesn't want kids (which would be Chlois or Chlark here) and that should be enough to walk away. There's no future. But to have wasted eight years for nothing makes me feel so empty.
Okay. Not nothing. I have the stories. I've often thought of fic as dumping the fiancee and keeping the ring. It's an empowering thought. I mean, he owes me something after all of that. But it's hard to stick by that and just take that ring and say it's enough.
It's hard not to hope he'll change and decide that he misses me. I mean, have you SEEN his ratings? They're terrible. His new girlfriend (Cloisers) are obviously no good for him. They don't understand him like I do. They prop him up even when he screws up as long as he keeps feeding them (with SECKS scenes). But I push him to be better. I see what he could be if he just tried a little harder to be true to the story he started.
I keep thinking he'll realize that and show up at my door with roses and candy and beg to have me back. He NEEDS me back (for the ratings alone). He just doesn't know it yet.
But maybe he'll never know it. Maybe I need to accept that this is the end.
I just hope I can just say no come Friday. I really do.
It's a hard habit to break. On that note, that damned song keeps running through my head. But the lyrics are kind of apropos:
After all of these years
Im still tryin to shake it
Doin much better they say that it just takes time
But deep in the night its an endless flight
I cant get ya out of my mind
Now being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
But I dont want to
Living without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting easier
Its the hardest thing to take
Im addicted to ya babe
Youre a hard habit to break
Sigh.
****************************
On another note, I have been completely unable to write. I tried all weekend after "work" (that's just in quotes because work=busking which=singing on the streets). But I just couldn't. Even the stuff I have outlined just won't flow. I keep rewriting everything and have a million take-twos on how to start a scene. I really hope the show hasn't dried up my fic juices.
I wonder if it's just my fic rotation. See I've been trying to do Depths, Chlois, Before Sunset, Chlois, Depths... and so on just to get each updated according to need. But maybe I'm pulling myself in and out of their universes and confusing myself too much. I don't know. Maybe I should finish Before Sunset, then Depths, then work on the monster that is the Almost Universe. The last requires the most forethought and planning (and has three separate documents of notes on its various plot threads and what needs tying up). The other two are pretty straightforward compared to that. It might be easier. Plus Before Sunset has the most rabid readers and they seem to be hungriest for the end and the ASS (Arctic Survival Sex-it's a new fic genre. I'm sure it will someday joing "trapped in a confined space" sex and "no choice but to share a bed sex" as a well-worn, but always welcome cliche).
And I can hardly think of any of this as I need to get my taxes done by Thursday (filed an extension, but never worked on any of it) and I need to redo my CDs to busk with (they're hopelessly scratched) and my regular PC keeps freezing when I try to burn or do pretty much anything and I promised my uncle I'd make him Beef Stroganoff tomorrow (he's stressed with a lawsuit and requires comfort food) and I keep piling crap on my to-do list that I never get done.
Yeah.
Yeah. I got broken.
I did watch Metallo and Rabid. And I tried to laugh at them. But I just felt too dirty.
As so many of you think of Smallville as a bad ex, you'll get this.
See, I was at that stage of the break-up where I started missing the sex (here, the sex would be AM's acting, some of CF's acting, Tom's pretty poutiness). I thought I could enjoy that sex without the emotional attachment. So I went back, trying to keep my feelings out of it. But I felt dirty and used in the end. So I'm resolving not to go back again.
For real this time.
I hope.
But it really is hard when Friday comes around to stay away.
It's just that I invested so much in this reltionship and it's hard to say it's over. I mean I've accepted that he doesn't want kids (which would be Chlois or Chlark here) and that should be enough to walk away. There's no future. But to have wasted eight years for nothing makes me feel so empty.
Okay. Not nothing. I have the stories. I've often thought of fic as dumping the fiancee and keeping the ring. It's an empowering thought. I mean, he owes me something after all of that. But it's hard to stick by that and just take that ring and say it's enough.
It's hard not to hope he'll change and decide that he misses me. I mean, have you SEEN his ratings? They're terrible. His new girlfriend (Cloisers) are obviously no good for him. They don't understand him like I do. They prop him up even when he screws up as long as he keeps feeding them (with SECKS scenes). But I push him to be better. I see what he could be if he just tried a little harder to be true to the story he started.
I keep thinking he'll realize that and show up at my door with roses and candy and beg to have me back. He NEEDS me back (for the ratings alone). He just doesn't know it yet.
But maybe he'll never know it. Maybe I need to accept that this is the end.
I just hope I can just say no come Friday. I really do.
It's a hard habit to break. On that note, that damned song keeps running through my head. But the lyrics are kind of apropos:
After all of these years
Im still tryin to shake it
Doin much better they say that it just takes time
But deep in the night its an endless flight
I cant get ya out of my mind
Now being without you
Takes a lot of getting used to
Should learn to live with it
But I dont want to
Living without you
Is all a big mistake
Instead of getting easier
Its the hardest thing to take
Im addicted to ya babe
Youre a hard habit to break
Sigh.
****************************
On another note, I have been completely unable to write. I tried all weekend after "work" (that's just in quotes because work=busking which=singing on the streets). But I just couldn't. Even the stuff I have outlined just won't flow. I keep rewriting everything and have a million take-twos on how to start a scene. I really hope the show hasn't dried up my fic juices.
I wonder if it's just my fic rotation. See I've been trying to do Depths, Chlois, Before Sunset, Chlois, Depths... and so on just to get each updated according to need. But maybe I'm pulling myself in and out of their universes and confusing myself too much. I don't know. Maybe I should finish Before Sunset, then Depths, then work on the monster that is the Almost Universe. The last requires the most forethought and planning (and has three separate documents of notes on its various plot threads and what needs tying up). The other two are pretty straightforward compared to that. It might be easier. Plus Before Sunset has the most rabid readers and they seem to be hungriest for the end and the ASS (Arctic Survival Sex-it's a new fic genre. I'm sure it will someday joing "trapped in a confined space" sex and "no choice but to share a bed sex" as a well-worn, but always welcome cliche).
And I can hardly think of any of this as I need to get my taxes done by Thursday (filed an extension, but never worked on any of it) and I need to redo my CDs to busk with (they're hopelessly scratched) and my regular PC keeps freezing when I try to burn or do pretty much anything and I promised my uncle I'd make him Beef Stroganoff tomorrow (he's stressed with a lawsuit and requires comfort food) and I keep piling crap on my to-do list that I never get done.
Yeah.