Superman: The Arson Years (PART FOUR)
Note from the FUTURE: To people linking to this as evidence of how evil I surely must be and talking public smack about me: get over it. I thought I was hilariously flippant at the time. Darn it, I still do. Why aren't you ever annoyed that a character that didn't start out too bad devolved into being put into a cheesecake outfight in pretty much every damned episode she was in? You want to know why I snarked on the character that way? That's why. That's what the show gave me. Believe me, if the Lois Lane character had not been turned into scantily clad fanboy service, I would have nothing to complain about but the bad acting and that might not have been so bad considering most of the talent on this show. Why don't you all get some fresh air? Why don't you stop crusading for this horribly irrelevant show's disastrous last two years? Why haven't you moved on? I certainly have.
Also, I have never considered myself a feminist or the voice of feminism. I'm a woman with opinions about how women should and shouldn't be portrayed. This was one of my "shouldn'ts" and it always will be.
I think only those who have been dunked head first into a vat of manure, then slapped with a dead fish repeatedly might understand what I've been through. It took me four tries to get through the worst forty-two minutes of my TV viewing career. This was almost as hard as trying to read Twilight (the fact that it's not worse shows you just how much I hate Twilight).
Luthor Mansion. So it’s still daytime. But I’m just trying to figure out how many days this episode spans.
So it’s night with Chloe and Doctor E, same night when Nois and Doctor Goth Beckinsale fight on the monorail. Then night at the Fortress (and, just pointing out, night wouldn’t be dark at this time of year in the Arctic, but whatever), same night with Chloe and Nois at the hospital, same night with Nois whining at the phone booth. Then it’s morning at the mansion with Zod and his buddies. Morning with Nois and David Silver on the train. All reasonable. Then it gets weird. It’s night at the Watchtower, then day with Tess and Zod, then night with Chloe and Clark on the roof, then day again at Fight Club Knock-off. I think something got shifted in editing. Just some sloppiness that, I guess, I should expect with this show.
So this seems to be day three… I guess. Like I care.
Anyway, Tess and Zod get plopped down in some chairs in front of a large group of militant Kryptonians that, I suppose, all came out of that clown car of an orb.
Hench Man is interrogating her about when she joined forced with Major Zod. She says they only just met. He asks where the rest of them are There were supposed to be hundreds of them. Christ on a cracker! That orb’s more than a clown car. It’s like a whole world of Whos. Guess that makes Tess Horton. If Horton got the crap beat out of him for his belief in the Whos. Poor Tess, really.
She says she was just taking orders. That she thought she was saving their civilization. “Do you really think that a civilian with no super abilities would team up with one man instead of an entire army? If you want answers, why don’t you try asking the one man who has kept you in the dark this entire time.” She turns to Zod.
“Impressive.”
Hench Woman grouses about remembering blood being taken before the bottle in Kandor and how did they get there?
I’m kind of bored. Except a lot.
Zod thinks the explanation is their home has been destroyed. The Hench Duo is still on about the others and why they don’t have powers. Zod’s all “You dare defy me.” I saved your lives and shit. I’m a hero. I risked stuff and stuff. Can you tell I’m bored?
Zod grabs Hench Man by the throat and asks if they want a leader who hides in his mansion for weeks on end and complains.
Yes! I do. Especially if he’s bald and has really bad security and a sexy voice. God, I want that man back.
Or do they want a leader that scours a hostile world in search of their loved ones. So… I don’t get it. I feel like we missed a scene somewhere. Are we to assume that, in these three weeks, the Kryptonians just dropped into random places, then found appropriate dog tags and fatigues (cause Zod was naked)? I just don’t get how this all came together. Then again, Smallville seems to be doing what it did last season. Just plopping people into place and expecting us to follow WTF is going on.
Anyway, he says he’ll find the answers or die in the quest. I’m still bored.
People start kneeling, including Doctor Goth Beckinsale, who still has the coolest eyes ever. Zod looks back at Tess and they share a sneaky smile.
The Kent Farm. And now it’s night again. There are cows there, which bugs me. If Clark is “dead” and spending all this time at the fortress, shouldn’t he have been nice enough to sell off the livestock? Who’s taking care of them? Eh, whatever. This show has never cared about the poor cows since Jonathon left.
Chloe’s in the barn and Clark comes in with a shovel. I guess he buried Doctor Goth Beckinsale next to Shelby and whatever cows finally gave up the fight.
“It’s over.”
“Who was she?” Chloe asks.
Clark doesn’t know, but has a feeling he’s gonna find out. She’s from Krypton.
Chloe’s all confused. As if Kryptonians visiting earth is something new.
Clark is casually washing grave-digging dirt off his hands and, like with him tagging the world, there is something wrong about that. “She told me I would cause the end of the world. It’s like I have a ticking time bomb on me, Chloe, and I only have a year to figure out how to stop it.” My mind, of course, goes to season six and Freak, when Chloe told Clark she was a ticking time bomb and he called himself her own personal bomb squad and the coldness of this scene just highlights how warm Chlark scenes once were.
Chloe puts on her nonsensical hat and says “You can’t believe everything an assassin tells you. I mean, what does she know, right?” It just sounds kind of dumb, coming from Chloe with all she’s seen. Sigh. I expect Chloe will be dumbed down even more as the season goes to make way for Tits McGee’s supersmartz.
“The future,” Clark says.
“Right. The future.”
Clark moves toward her. “What is it, Chloe?”
“I want you to go back and save Jimmy. Take the ring and stop him from being killed.” Oh, God. Really, Show? With all she’s been through, you have to make her stupid enough to ask this?
“You can’t ask me to…”
“Clark, you said your sole purpose in giving everything up is helping people” or some shit. I’m just too annoyed to be accurate. “So help him, Clark. Save him.”
“That would be changing destiny.”
“Whose destiny? Not Jimmy’s. He didn’t deserve…” Okay. I don’t have the patience to write all this down. It’s wrong on too many levels. First, Chloe has seen too much to think this is a good idea. Second, if they’re going to break up Chlark, why does it have to be about Jimmy who wasn’t even really Jimmy? Chloe should have been tearing him a new one for being “dead” in the first place. Third, TW is actually acting in this scene and it steams me that Chlark scenes always bring out the best in him, yet the show is killing Chlark for the black hole where chemistry goes to die (and by that I mean Clois).
Chloe cried about all she’s given up and pleads with him. He says he can’t.
“It’s good. It’s good that you’re embracing your Kryptonian side. There isn’t really an human left in you.”
As much as I hate the content, I am struck, as always, by the fact that Allison Mack is still a damned good actress and deserves better.
Luthor Mansion. Tess finds all the Kryptonians are gone off to parts unknown. Some new minion comes on with a mini laptop - I guess. Apparently, her staff were sitting back and watching while all the shit went down on her orders. She wants to see the video, but there is none. I guess Zod screwed her. I’m still bored.
Daily Planet. Nois is trying to get on her computer, but it won’t let her. Maybe because you were fired? Uh-doi? A chair squeaks and she thinks it’s Clark because that’s their speshulest thing. Nope. David Silver. She still seems to think he’s a cop.
“I’m not a cop.”
“Detective. Whatever. You guys are so touchy.” God, she’s dumb. I’m really supposed to buy this chick as the greatest journalist the world has ever known? Ugh.
“I’m not on the force. You jumped to that conclusion yourself, which I hear you do… a lot.” Thank you, David. Now could you also burn her on her lack of education. And oooh! About making up fake superheros and writing about them! Ooh! And screwing her editor! No? Eh, I’ll take what I can get.
He says he’s a field reporter and her new desk mate.
“Don’t bet on it. And don’t get comfortable in that chair. Clark’s coming back.”
David Silver heard he was visiting family indefinitely.
Nois says he’s just cashing in overdue vacation time.
He points out that she’s been fired.
She calls it a minor technicality because even girlfighting with your boss and disappearing for weeks won’t get her fired because she is the bestest, the boobiest and the most magical.
David Silver calls himself John Corben (hmmph. Not to me) and says he’ll see her in the trenches. Whatever. He’s only in one more episode. I can’t bring myself to care.
Nois takes Clark’s nameplate out of the trash and sighs at it. Oh, God. Is this like with the suit? Is she going to lick it or something? Luckily, the phone rings before she gets the chance.
It’s dead Clark, perched on what looks like a gothic church like a gremlin. Nois gets all het up and stands, thanking him for saving her. “I was afraid you’d disappeared for good.”
“I should have. I’m supposed to. But I can’t.” Because she’s the bestest, the boobiest, and the most magical. “Promise me this is just between us.” He supposedly tells her something. I’m assuming it’s just more crap to prop up her and her magical milkers of destiny.
The Talon. So we aren’t rid of it? Jeez. Nois lives there now, despite the fact that she supposedly got her own place last year. Okay, then.
Durance sighs with fake happy and gets into bed. I brace myself because I know what’s coming. I pull the trashcan nearer as she closes her eyes. Here it comes…
There’s a red sky, a nazi-esque flag and a shadowy Clark jumping into frame tagged by Zod (see, Clark? That’s what happens when you graffiti the town. Somebody graffitis you!)
Then something so horrible I can’t even describe it.
Tess is kneeling before Zod and getting her dog tag, then...
No!!! Taking a vomit break. Ah, where were we?
Somebody has a sword, then…
Oh, god! The horror! Make it stop!
Someone’s got bloody hands and the sun’s all red and reflected in a pool of blood.
Ollie’s digging. Chloe’s running. Sheet grabbing. Chloe’s dead. More… gulp. Excuse me… *bluuuuuuurghhh*
Doctor Goth Beckinsale is getting her stab on with someone.
Nois wakes up and tries to have a facial expression. But fails.
I try to tamp down the dry heaves. That was ROUGH.