(no subject)
My bout of Insomnia has returned, it seems.
A few nights ago, I woke up to get a drink of water. Wide awake, I lay in my bed, looking out the window for a glimpse of the rising sun. Half an hour later, with sleep long lost, I glanced at the clock to find that it was 2AM. Realizing that the sun would not arrive for 4 more hours, I got up to sit at my computer, as usual. Boredom came over me, for no one else was online at the time. I found some old photo albums of me and my childhood, and I flipped through them. I saw in my youthful eyes the look of innocence and true happiness captured in 4 by 6 frames, the memories of past adventures flooded back to me. Reaching back even further, I found albums of pictures even older than me, pictures of my parents in their adolesence, and I realized that their lives were actually not that unlike my own, and was reminded of how beautiful my mother really was.
Having relived those memories, I feel now that I am stuck between photo albums. Everyday is filled with empty moments, everyday is spent alone or with people I have been acquainted with recently.
A couple weeks ago, I hung out with a few friends from high school. And although it was great to be reunited, something was missing. A part of our chemistry had been lost. There especially seemed to be an awkwardness when my older friends were mixed in with my new friends. There was something missing, and that is Past. Then I realized something else. When I hang out with my new friends, that same entity is also missing. I lack Past with everyone, the people who I share Past with are scattered. Last week I met up with a friend who for years was best friends with my younger sister and always spent the night at our house. We talked about little memories, and laughed about what stupid things we did. I felt happy just to share the past with someone. She knew me in my childhood, and just knowing that changed the chemistry immediately.
My best friend went to high school with me. However, his other best friends, who I am close friends with as well, all went to intermediate school together. I was the new kid in the group. And although I am happy to be with them, I always feel like I am not completely IN the group. This is also same with my new sets of friends. I never really feel like I fit in to any group. And even in high school, I never had any one group. It's not like I feel the need to fit in, but I would like to FEEL like I fit in.
Last night at a friends house, a friend of mine from middle school showed up. We were close once, but grew quickly apart once reaching high school. It felt very weird to be sitting in the same room with her again. I don't know what it is, but even someone I shared some past with I don't fit in with now.
I am going to carry a camera with me now. There are moments that years from now I want to look back and smile on, in late night insomnia bouts that I am sure to have in years to come. It is weird and a little sad that memories of the past make me feel the happiest when the people don't anymore.
I have a lot more to say, but right now I don't know how to say it, so I leave you all with a quote from a song of one of my favorite bands. It seems relevant to this entry:
It's never easy to understand why memories hold our hand, but people let go.
A few nights ago, I woke up to get a drink of water. Wide awake, I lay in my bed, looking out the window for a glimpse of the rising sun. Half an hour later, with sleep long lost, I glanced at the clock to find that it was 2AM. Realizing that the sun would not arrive for 4 more hours, I got up to sit at my computer, as usual. Boredom came over me, for no one else was online at the time. I found some old photo albums of me and my childhood, and I flipped through them. I saw in my youthful eyes the look of innocence and true happiness captured in 4 by 6 frames, the memories of past adventures flooded back to me. Reaching back even further, I found albums of pictures even older than me, pictures of my parents in their adolesence, and I realized that their lives were actually not that unlike my own, and was reminded of how beautiful my mother really was.
Having relived those memories, I feel now that I am stuck between photo albums. Everyday is filled with empty moments, everyday is spent alone or with people I have been acquainted with recently.
A couple weeks ago, I hung out with a few friends from high school. And although it was great to be reunited, something was missing. A part of our chemistry had been lost. There especially seemed to be an awkwardness when my older friends were mixed in with my new friends. There was something missing, and that is Past. Then I realized something else. When I hang out with my new friends, that same entity is also missing. I lack Past with everyone, the people who I share Past with are scattered. Last week I met up with a friend who for years was best friends with my younger sister and always spent the night at our house. We talked about little memories, and laughed about what stupid things we did. I felt happy just to share the past with someone. She knew me in my childhood, and just knowing that changed the chemistry immediately.
My best friend went to high school with me. However, his other best friends, who I am close friends with as well, all went to intermediate school together. I was the new kid in the group. And although I am happy to be with them, I always feel like I am not completely IN the group. This is also same with my new sets of friends. I never really feel like I fit in to any group. And even in high school, I never had any one group. It's not like I feel the need to fit in, but I would like to FEEL like I fit in.
Last night at a friends house, a friend of mine from middle school showed up. We were close once, but grew quickly apart once reaching high school. It felt very weird to be sitting in the same room with her again. I don't know what it is, but even someone I shared some past with I don't fit in with now.
I am going to carry a camera with me now. There are moments that years from now I want to look back and smile on, in late night insomnia bouts that I am sure to have in years to come. It is weird and a little sad that memories of the past make me feel the happiest when the people don't anymore.
I have a lot more to say, but right now I don't know how to say it, so I leave you all with a quote from a song of one of my favorite bands. It seems relevant to this entry:
It's never easy to understand why memories hold our hand, but people let go.