If Only Pt 1
If Only pt 1
Jessica’s POV
It’s amazing, time, that is. Years could feel like days and vice versa. Memories are made, memories are lost. The people we meet, the people we lose, and other aspects are mere shadows of time’s effect on our world.
More time, more time, we often plead. We plead to fix our mistakes, actions, and wrongdoings, in an effort to remove the mental scars that cause turbulence. We plead for our loved ones, trying to cherish every single moment knowing that one day they will give their last breath. We plead for time, to wash away our guilt, trauma and anxiety.
Though, some of us can’t handle time. Some of us beg for our time to be taken away. On their knees, screaming ‘please’ with their hands clasped together and heads bowed down. Without receiving an answer, they take matters into their own hands. They take their lives away, not giving a damn of its after effects on the people around them.
I, have made my share of mistakes in my lifetime. However, not once have I ever considered choosing to take my own life away. I’ve taken those mistakes, and learned from them. Unfortunately, it was too late for it to even make a difference.
~
Many years ago my life wasn’t exactly the greatest. I had been struggling with depression, ever since the divorce of my parents. To stay with my mother, or to stay with my father, was the decision I had to make. I loved them both whole heartedly, but I knew that the marriage couldn’t continue any longer. There was so much drama going between them. My father started to come home late, and could barely pay off the bills. It was a rough time as the nation was trying to recover from the recession, so I didn’t think much of it. He lazed around the house when he was off, not performing simple tasks like cleaning or anything to help my mother out. He would often go out with his friends as well.
After 20+ years of marriage, my mother grew tired. She didn’t want to deal with this anymore. The flame that had once been burning furiously between them had gone out. It was the end for them, as they mutually agreed to sign the divorce papers. I remember crying my eyes out that night, and many other nights as well. It hit me with the force of a 20-ton truck, my parents were breaking apart.
My father told me that I was going to stay with my mother. He told me that he loved me very much and was sad that things were going to end this way. He told me he’ll continue to support me in the future, giving as much help as he possible could. I wish I could have thanked him coherently, but all I could do was cry like a little girl. I was after all, daddy’s little girl, no matter how old I was.
I was going to start my first year of college, and I already know the transition was going to be incredibly difficult. It was already difficult coping up with this entire emotional trauma inside of me. Life wasn’t going to get any better, or so I thought. Little did I know that fate was going to swing towards me, and change my life in a way that I would have never expected. Fate came in a package, labeled Stephanie Hwang Miyoung.
~
“She’s so weird.” “Ugh, what is she wearing?” “What’s wrong with her face?” “Eww, she looks like a total creeper.”
All of those words rang through my ears nearly every day as I walked down those school halls. I didn’t really mind, nor did I care. I knew who I was, and what I was. In my eyes, I was just another woman, a statistic, but to them I was an anomaly. Though, it’s not like their opinions ever mattered to me. They were all going to disappear from my life eventually.
There were others, albeit a minority, who actually exerted the effort to get to know me. I was reluctant to show them, in fear that they would turn away and run. I thought they came to me out of pity. It took a really long time convincing myself that it was ‘ok’ to let my barriers down, to shut off my defense mechanisms. I was going to leave myself vulnerable in front of their eyes. It was a major risk, but I knew it had to be done.
Some people like to be alone, I’m one of them, but no one embraces the feeling of loneliness. Feeling lonely, plain and simple hurts you. The feeling that no one would dare to approach you for whatever reason and you would sit there and wonder why. The fear of loneliness is one of many reasons why I wanted to be with them, even at the cost of vulnerability.
I grew attached to my small group of friends as months passed by. They gave me such joy that I had never felt in ages. Life became more bearable. It made me think that maybe school wasn’t too bad after all, and that maybe there were some good people around. Out of my group of friends, there was one person I was particularly fond of. Her name was Stephanie, or ‘Tiffany’ was what she preferred to be called.
Tiffany was our ray of sunshine, with her cheerfulness and bubbly personality. Her attitude was contagious, as we often felt more cheerful and happy with her around. Whenever I was feeling poorly, she would say…
“Cheer up Jessica; everything’s going to be alright. God places obstacles in our life for a reason for us to become stronger. He loves us, so he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. Plus, if anything, remember that I’m here for you. If something’s bothering you, I’m always a call, text, or email away.”
Even though I knew that thing’s weren’t magically going to get better, I knew that someone was there for me. I knew that there was someone that I could confide into, disregarding all of the possible consequences. As a result, I began to develop a closer bond with Tiffany, closer than anyone else in our group. She was going to become much more than she was to me in the future.
~
After spending so much time with her, I found that there was more to Tiffany than just a ‘ray of sunshine’. She was just a normal girl, trying to make the best out of what she had. She an optimist at best, but knew that there were times when that optimism didn’t even matter. She knew she couldn’t make a fantasy out of reality, and had to deal with the burdens she had been given. It was through those burdens that I realized that even the sun had its dark hours.
Her family was going through a period of turmoil, as her mom’s side of the family was split, they refused to talk to each other. Constant chatter behind each other’s backs, manipulation, derogative words, all contributed to this separation. Tiffany’s mom and dad were caught in the middle of a problem that they couldn’t even solve. It had been already 2 years since the whole problem started and she didn’t know what to do. She felt so helpless, as she missed her family being one. She missed seeing the joy in their eyes together, which was no replaced by hatred and anger. Thus, she felt the need to the only one who she thought could help, God.
“Were you always this religious?” I would ask.
“I wasn’t really ‘super religious’ to begin with. But, I really thought God could help me and my family. He’s done so many wonderful things for us already. I know that it’s bad to turn to him just because I need something, but I didn’t know what else to do. I know that he can’t magically fix things and make them better, but all I’m asking for is some help. I want to know what I can do, so I don’t feel useless, so I don’t feel worthless. I prayed, prayed, and prayed for guidance”
“Has he answered you?”
“I think he has, subliminally. One night after praying before I go to sleep, my mother knocked on my door. She told me that everything was going to be alright in time. She knew that I was suffering because of what was happening to our family. She told me she wanted the family back together too, but there wasn’t anything we can do. There was still tension between them, but she knew that the tension would soon submerge. She then told me not to worry about it anymore and that I should focus on my studies instead. She told me that my future, my education, was the most important thing right now.”
“Oh I see. But how do you know he really answered you? I mean, it could have been sheer coincidence. I mean how can you really tell?”
“There’s no way you can really tell Jessica. It’s all in the matter of faith and belief. There’s many ways that you can look at it, but I say it’s a work of faith.”
“I suppose so.”
I was fascinated and amazed at the things Tiffany told me. She’s been through a lot and she was still able to walk around with a smile written across her face. Was it all a work of faith? Or was it sheer coincidence, a total fluke? My mind was debating over this topic. God was just a so called supreme being, wasn’t he? Why do so many people believe in him even though there’s no sure fact that he exists? Simple beliefs aren’t enough, I thought.
“Have you ever thought of turning to God Jessica?”
“It’s crossed my mind before, but I never thought much of it.”
“I don’t mean to protrude, but why?”
“I don’t know, I guess I don’t believe in anything of that matter. I always thought things happened for a reason, and that was it.” She was silent and unresponsive after I said that. I thought she was offended, and became worried. Thankfully, her lips curved into a smile.
“I understand that you think that way. Though, I know that there’s a lot going in your life right now, and I was wondering if you would give him a chance.”
“Give who a chance?”
“Give God a chance.”
“…what?” My mind was trying to process what she said.
“Look I’m not trying to enforce my beliefs on you, but there’s nothing wrong with trying is there?”
“I guess not.” Tiffany knew I sounded unsure. The last thing I wanted her to feel was guilt. I was actually thankful she was opening up to me and telling me all these things about her.
“Well, my youth group is this Saturday. I’d really appreciate if you showed up, but it’s okay if you don’t. I’ll understand. I won’t think of you any differently.” The feeling of indecisiveness was flowing through my body. I didn’t want to disappoint Tiffany, yet at the same time I didn’t want go along with something that I had no intention of doing. In the end, it was my decision to make, not anyone else. I had to think of this decision deeply and thoroughly. Going to the youth group just for Tiffany wasn’t the right reason either. I had to be willing to embrace the concept of God entering my life.
~
It was a chilly Saturday night as I stood outside the building of Tiffany’s youth group. Doubt and uncertainty clouded my mind. On one of the doors, had the sign ‘God Accepts Everyone’. I suppose this was there to rid the fallacy of God only accepting certain people. Still, I didn’t feel any better about my situation.
“What if they didn’t like me?”
I thought to myself as I placed both hands in my jean pockets.
“Was I dressed appropriately?”
I was just wearing a white hoodie with black skinny jeans and chucks. I wasn’t sure if I was underdressed or not. Besides, was there really a ‘proper’ way to dress for religious events? Nevertheless, it was too late to turn back now. I was already here and my mother would be furious if I told her to pick me up after dropping me off literally minutes ago, especially with the high gas prices. I reached out and turned the nob and stepped inside.
My heart was pulsating out of my chest as I closed the door behind me. I felt the eyes of many from across the room. I gulped out of nervousness, as I scanned the room for Tiffany. It didn’t take long to find her; she was sitting down with a small group of people on one of the benches. She looked up and saw me and walked in my direction. She had a warm smile on her face as she approached me.
“I’m glad you could make it” she said as she embraced me. I felt relieved and more at ease in her arms. I hugged her back before letting go.
“I figure I’d give it a shot. I mean what could go wrong?”
She chuckled lightly. “Come on; let me introduce you to Pastor Mark” she said as she tugged on my wrist. I noticed the others in the youth group gazing as Tiffany was leading me to the pastor. I couldn’t tell whether they were gazing with positive or negative intentions. I was sure it was just my mind thinking of ridiculous things again. I soon found myself in front of their pastor, who wore a grin upon his face.
“And who is this woman Tiffany?”
“Pastor, this right here is Jessica, Jessica Jung.” I smiled out of nervousness, as I felt a little intimidated in his presence.
“Hello sir” I said meekly.
“Ah pleasure to meet you Jessica. My name is Mark Peralta” he extended his hand which I gladly shook firmly. “So what brings you here?” he asked politely.
“Jessica’s just here to check things out. I asked her a couple of days ago if she wanted to.”
“Oh, I see. Well Jessica, I’m glad you decided to come here. It’s always nice to see someone new, rather than the old boring faces” he teased while looking at Tiffany.
“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?” she pouted.
“You know I’m just kidding kiddo” he ruffled her hair. “Jessica why don’t you go on ahead and introduce yourself to the rest of the group? I’m sure they’d be excited to learn a little bit about you.”
I nodded and said “okay”. He then left Tiffany and walked towards the center of the room. He clasped hands together. “Alright guys, someone new has decided to join us on this wonderful night. I know that all of you are very welcoming, so why don’t we give our new friend Jessica a chance to speak a bit about herself.”
“Hi everyone, my name is Jessica Jung. Umm” I paused, trying to formulate on what to say next. “I’m not that much of a talker, but I love to sleep and read whenever I have the time. That’s it I guess” I looked at the pastor, practically pleading for him to say that I was done ‘talking’ about myself. Thankfully, he received the message.
“Thank you for introducing yourself Jessica. We’re hopeful you’ll become part of our youth group, if you choose to do so” he said. I nodded and made my way towards the corner of the room where they had bottles of water. I was a bit parched, so water would definitely soothe my nerves. Once I was at the table, I grabbed one of those ‘mini’ water bottles and twisted the cap. Little did I know, someone else was also walking in the direction of the table. He or she, tapped me on the shoulder.
“Hey, you’re Jessica right?” I turned around to meet a new face. I nodded as I took a sip of the water. It was a female, a short one at best. Though, it was clear to see that she had a spunky aura around her. I didn’t know what she wanted from me, but I presumed it was just to say ‘hello’.
“My names Sunny, well technically my name’s Lee Soon Kyu, but I’d prefer you call me Sunny” she extended her hand. I took her hand and shook it timidly. I’ll admit that being here was out of my comfort zone, but there was nothing wrong was that. People often encourage others to take a step outside their comfort zone, so I guess I was doing the right thing.
I didn’t know what to say to her, as awkwardness filled the air. There were times like these where I wish I had more social skills than those in comparison to a dead fish. What’s worse is that I always ask myself why I don’t have as much friends, or that I’m not the ‘popular’ girl of the school. Popularity wasn’t essential to high school life, but it certainly made things easier outside the fields of academics.
“Okay I’m not going to beat around the bush with you” what Sunny said really caught me off guard. So she didn’t mean to introduce herself to me? I don’t know if I should feel relieved or saddened.
“Hmm?”
“Tiffany asked you to come here right?”
“Yeah, she did. Why?” I wasn’t sure where this was heading, but I went along with it.
“She rarely brings people to the youth group, not even some of her closest friends. Usually, it’s us that help the group expand its members. She doesn’t even try to bring Taeyeon over here, and she’s her best friend.”
“…..Where are you going with this Sunny?”
“ Listen, the last person Tiffany brought over here broke her heart. To this day, I’ve never been able to forgive him for what he did.”
“Tiffany had a boyfriend? She never told me about him.”
“She doesn’t want people to know about him, it’s a very difficult topic for her to discuss.”
“How long were they-?”
“Almost 2 years. Something happened a week before their anniversary.”
“Like what?”
“I think it’d be better if she told you, rather than me. Besides, it’s not my place to go into specifics.”
“Why are you even telling me this? You can’t be implicating that she likes me can you?”
“I’m not implicating anything, I’m just stating facts. Anyways you’re right, I mean, why am I telling you this? You’re a girl, Tiffany’s straight. There’s no way she would ever swing that way, it’s against our beliefs.”
“Then I suppose you’re taking the precautionary measure?” I inquired.
“Who’s taking the precautionary measure?” I turned around and saw Tiffany standing behind us. Sunny’s serious expression changed into a brighter one, as Tiffany was around us. The least thing she wanted to do was cause the girl anymore stress or problems, especially with the history that had been written on the wall.
“Nothing, we were just talking about God, and how we run things in the youth group.”
“Oh, okay. Well let’s head back, Pastor’s going to start some group activity” she said as she started to walk back. Sunny stared at me, just before following suit.
I sighed deeply. What was I going to do? My mind became even more restless in the following nights. Could Tiffany ever fall for me? Nonsense, my mind was just wandering. Even Sunny said it was ridiculous. I shrugged as I too, as I started to walk back to the group.
~
Months and days passed, the change happening to Tiffany and I was obvious. We had become inseparable, hanging out together after school, late night talks, you name it. My participation in the youth group seemed to strengthen that bond even further. We dropped the formalities, and settled on nicknames for each other. Tiffany started to call me ‘Jessi’ and I in return, called her ‘Fany’.
I had begun to notice Tiffany’s beautiful facial features, her warm smile, charming eyes; all of those traits were to die for. Her personality complemented these features wonderfully; she would be a wonderful girlfriend to anyone interested in her. I don’t know why I had started to just notice these traits recently, as I never paid attention to them before. My guess was that this was all stemming Sunny, that one night during youth group. Her words constantly lingered in my head whenever I had a conversation with Tiffany. It seemed that her words were a foreshadowing, a foreshadowing to a fateful night that I would never forget.
One night, Tiffany decided that we should watch a movie together. I had no interest in wanting to watch a movie at the time, as I didn’t want to spend any money. With these hard times, money was really hard to come by. Nevertheless, I said ‘yes’, because I didn’t want to disappoint her. Her mother picked me up and drove us to the mall. We had just finished watching ‘Titanic 3D’ at the movie theater. Many people had tears streaming down their face after watching the classic James Cameron film, while others just shook their heads seeing as they spent almost 4 hours looking at a screen.
“Sorry for making you sit through that Jessi” she giggled. “It’s just one of my favorite movies, I had to see it the day it came out.”
“I don’t mind, although my bum disagrees” I said, which resulted in a slap on the shoulder from the latter.
“What do you want me to do about it, kiss it to make it feel better?”
“Yes mommy, please kiss my boo boo” I responded in a sarcastic manner.
“Okay baby, here let me” she bent down to kiss it, but my hand prevented her from moving further.
“Yah, what are you doing?!”
“Calm down, it’s not like I was going to actually kiss your bum. Well, unless you really want me to.”
“ No thanks, I’ll pass.”
“This is totally random, but I always admired the way that Jack cared for Rose.”
“Well, obviously he loved her whole heartedly. It was just the social class that drove them apart. If it weren’t for that, then maybe he would have survived. People in the rich class could have helped him get to the boat faster.”
“Yeah, it’s really saddening the way things played out for them. I wish they would have lived. It would have been a fairy tale ending.”
“Not everything has a happy ending Fany.”
“I know, but seeing the way he treated Rose, never in a million years would he ever hurt her. He would never betray her. He would never make her regret her love for him” she looked down at the floor. I knew that something was bothering her. She had a depressed expression on her face, and it felt like I had just taken a gunshot to the heart.
I hated seeing Tiffany sad, I always felt like it was my fault she was this way. I didn’t know why her mood had changed so suddenly, my mind was filled with curiosity. It took a while, but I finally understood why she was like this. If memory served me right, Tiffany was hurt by her boyfriend, a year before their two year anniversary. Of course, Tiffany didn’t know that I knew of this, so I kept quiet. She was still sensitive of what happened and I couldn’t blame her.
“Jessi, can we please go somewhere quiet?” I nodded at her request. I felt her fingers lace with mine and gazed at her surprisingly. Her expression was still the same. I shook my head, ridding those thoughts, as we began to walk towards the back of the movie theater.
Once we were outside, she leaned on the wall of the theater. She sighed, before looking deep into my eyes. I couldn’t fathom exactly what she was thinking, but I knew she was going to say something.
“Jessi, I’ve told you everything about me, haven’t I?” I nodded. “My family, my thoughts, and what I do in my daily life. But….” She gulped and bit her lips. “There’s one thing I’ve kept from you. I’ve tried to keep this hidden from you, but I know that I had to tell you eventually.”
“What do you mean?”
“Jessi, I was with this guy for almost two years. We were having the time of our lives. We were so in love with each other. It seemed like nothing would ever go wrong. I was so happy, incredibly happy. But then, the unexpected happened” she paused.
“Fany, are you-“
“I’m fine. Anyways one evening, he called me on the phone. He told me that we needed to break up. I asked why, and I remember him stumbling on his words. My heart, my mind, everything was screaming why. Why is he doing this to me? What am I doing wrong? What can I do to fix this? “ a single tear streamed down her cheek, which she wiped away immediately.
“He told me…he told me…that he had gotten a girl at our school pregnant” she stammered. “He kept telling me that he would leave the girl just to be with me, because he loved me. If he really meant that he wouldn’t have gotten her pregnant! 2 years Jessica, down the drain, 2 years! I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to react, I just broke down crying while we were on the phone.”
“Fany…”
“How was I supposed to react Jessica?! I can’t tell him to leave her! She needed his support, more than ever. Telling him to leave her, would be the most horrible thing I would have done Jessica. You know, I thought God did this to me as punishment, but I dismissed that thought. I turned to him. I asked God for help, and guidance. Thankfully, he answered my prayers. The next day, I agreed with him, that it was over. I told him to go to her, and to stay out of my life. That was it. He hurt me Jessica, he hurt me” she sobbed.
“Fany, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that something like that happened to you.” I walked to her and embraced her tightly. She sobbed into my shoulder, as I stroked her back in circles.
“Jessica….” she muttered.
“Hmm…”
“Would you ever hurt me” she looked into my eyes.
“Never” I responded sincerely. Suddenly, our faces began moving towards each other. We were lost in each other’s eyes. The distance was becoming slimmer and slimmer. Then, it happened. Contact. Her lips met mine.
“Never”. The greatest lie, that was going to haunt me for years to come.
TBC