(no subject)
I did something funny at work today. I remember thinking "I positively have to put this in my journal!" and I don't remember it. It's like I'm losing facts. One second, I'm totally coherent, the next... I'm falling into an abyss of nothingness. Not even darkness can follow there. I'm losing pieces of myself, little by little.
I never liked school. I'm out now. For good. Until college. I remember rolling out of bed every day, thinking "The sooner I get there, the sooner I'll be home, the sooner I'll be at work, the sooner I'll leave. Then I can crawl back into bed again." Now I can only look forward to the day when I won't have to do anything anymore. The day where I don't have to care.
Even now, the bed is beckoning me. But I know if I sink into those inviting folds, I'll not wake up until Yule comes. I only want to wake up to the falling snow, the whispering of naked trees against my window. Then I remember: I'm in The Bowels of Hell, Florida. My head hurts, my Flo-nase nasal spray is actually working, thank Kali.
I've been praying to her a lot, lately. The protectress of abused women. *laughs softly* I'm not abused at home anymore, I'm abused at life. When I am home, I'm either sleeping or online. I haven't eaten at home in weeks. Forget my rantings about my two-year-long celibacy. Now all I crave is a good night of sleep, and not smelling like fried fish. I'd even dismiss the fish thing if I could sleep in just one damn day.
I can't even enjoy the music anymore. Music follows me everywhere, in my head. It's done so since I can remember. It's indescribable. But it effected my moods, and it was effected by my moods (yes, I know the difference between effect and affect. I don't fucking care. Kiss my lilly white ass.)And on some inner level, I've always enjoyed it. Whether it put a bounce to my step, a hunch to my shoulders, a glare to my eyes or a smile to my face... I loved the music of life. And now I could really care less. It's all so superficial.
I thought I was happy. I really did. Life was going peachy. This year, so far... has been the easiest damn year I've had since I can remember. And yet... why do I feel so fucking tired? My home life is going swimmingly. They stay away from me, I stay away from them. Cohabilitation at it's best. I'm turning 18 in five days, I now have hope. I'm okay with being single. I have money! I'm free of high school Hell! I should be having the best time of my life!
Why in Hell am I not fucking happy?
I look at things I love to do with an air of aloofness. It's not like I think they'll be snatched away from me or anything. I just feel... empty. I remember what I've done (I've done things none of you even know about... that I'd never tell you... *shudders*) with no feeling. Writing... it doesn't feel like it's mine anymore... I still do it, but it's an invisible hand over mine that touches my fingers to the keys and the pen to the paper. The other day, I cut my foot open on accident (long story short, a glass pitcher fell from the cabinet and shattered over my left foot) and without thinking as to what I was doing, I marked my Book of Shadows in the blood. My magickal name in Runes. Nothing strange. I write fluently in Runic anyhow. But the more I think on it, the more odd it seems.
Sometimes, I do things. Normal things: talk online, take a shit, play my videogames, whatever. But I don't remember it two seconds afterwards. Whatever... I have to go to bed and pretend to be asleep. I can't think about this anymore.
"Back to life... in all of it's mediocrity"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An excerpt from "Lady of Air and Darkness"
His lips were against her throat with quick brush of teeth over the meat above her collar bone. Her hands convulsed against the wall, pinned by his hands and moaned softly. Tsuki inhaled sharply as she felt him thrust roughly against the front of her ribs. If she opened her eyes, all she would see would have been Yaki's bulk, wrapped around her like a shawl pulled tight over her body. The height difference didn't seem to matter until she felt him hard against her torso.
She shot her leg out, wrapping it around his and catching him off balance. Easily she rode his tall frame to the floor and straddled his hips. As they hit the floor, he thrust his hips against her, bringing a yelp of need from both sets of lips. They were both clothed, but a long line of thigh peeked out above her thigh-highs to her skirt. Tsuki leaned down against Yaki, red hair spilling to either side of his chest. She leaned until her lips played against his ear as she hissed against the skin "Do you want this?"
He looked at her like a caged animal, all the need showing on her face. Tsuki sat up and took his hand, slid it over the tops of the hose, grinding herself against his hips and speaking again. "Do you want this?" Her voice came out in a low growl, a distortion of her own. The other hand traced her nails over his cheek, bringing a shudder of restraint from his chest. "Answer me!" Her need was as great as his, but she wouldn't sate her hunger for him without his accepting the consequences. Tsuki knew her life would engulf his the moment he gave in. "Do... you....want...this?"
He knew that this was the last chance. Either she would be devestated, him living forever... or they both would swim the River Styx together. Could he risk power for this silly tryst if it ended badly? For this silly girl who could possibly be the key to part the Veil? If she was the key, he'd gain so much. If not.... Another question plagued the corners of his psyche: Morally, could he bring himself to help Tsuki part the Veil? Yaki swallowed, finally looking at her with clear eyes. "Yes, Tsuki. This is what I want."
Tears came to Tsuki's eyes. She didn't know whether it was sorrow or mirth. Later, she wouldn't remember saying anything. It errupted from her throat, unwilling and not quite her own. "You've just sealed our destruction"
In the distance, the dragons began to weep hot tears of helplessness.
I never liked school. I'm out now. For good. Until college. I remember rolling out of bed every day, thinking "The sooner I get there, the sooner I'll be home, the sooner I'll be at work, the sooner I'll leave. Then I can crawl back into bed again." Now I can only look forward to the day when I won't have to do anything anymore. The day where I don't have to care.
Even now, the bed is beckoning me. But I know if I sink into those inviting folds, I'll not wake up until Yule comes. I only want to wake up to the falling snow, the whispering of naked trees against my window. Then I remember: I'm in The Bowels of Hell, Florida. My head hurts, my Flo-nase nasal spray is actually working, thank Kali.
I've been praying to her a lot, lately. The protectress of abused women. *laughs softly* I'm not abused at home anymore, I'm abused at life. When I am home, I'm either sleeping or online. I haven't eaten at home in weeks. Forget my rantings about my two-year-long celibacy. Now all I crave is a good night of sleep, and not smelling like fried fish. I'd even dismiss the fish thing if I could sleep in just one damn day.
I can't even enjoy the music anymore. Music follows me everywhere, in my head. It's done so since I can remember. It's indescribable. But it effected my moods, and it was effected by my moods (yes, I know the difference between effect and affect. I don't fucking care. Kiss my lilly white ass.)And on some inner level, I've always enjoyed it. Whether it put a bounce to my step, a hunch to my shoulders, a glare to my eyes or a smile to my face... I loved the music of life. And now I could really care less. It's all so superficial.
I thought I was happy. I really did. Life was going peachy. This year, so far... has been the easiest damn year I've had since I can remember. And yet... why do I feel so fucking tired? My home life is going swimmingly. They stay away from me, I stay away from them. Cohabilitation at it's best. I'm turning 18 in five days, I now have hope. I'm okay with being single. I have money! I'm free of high school Hell! I should be having the best time of my life!
Why in Hell am I not fucking happy?
I look at things I love to do with an air of aloofness. It's not like I think they'll be snatched away from me or anything. I just feel... empty. I remember what I've done (I've done things none of you even know about... that I'd never tell you... *shudders*) with no feeling. Writing... it doesn't feel like it's mine anymore... I still do it, but it's an invisible hand over mine that touches my fingers to the keys and the pen to the paper. The other day, I cut my foot open on accident (long story short, a glass pitcher fell from the cabinet and shattered over my left foot) and without thinking as to what I was doing, I marked my Book of Shadows in the blood. My magickal name in Runes. Nothing strange. I write fluently in Runic anyhow. But the more I think on it, the more odd it seems.
Sometimes, I do things. Normal things: talk online, take a shit, play my videogames, whatever. But I don't remember it two seconds afterwards. Whatever... I have to go to bed and pretend to be asleep. I can't think about this anymore.
"Back to life... in all of it's mediocrity"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An excerpt from "Lady of Air and Darkness"
His lips were against her throat with quick brush of teeth over the meat above her collar bone. Her hands convulsed against the wall, pinned by his hands and moaned softly. Tsuki inhaled sharply as she felt him thrust roughly against the front of her ribs. If she opened her eyes, all she would see would have been Yaki's bulk, wrapped around her like a shawl pulled tight over her body. The height difference didn't seem to matter until she felt him hard against her torso.
She shot her leg out, wrapping it around his and catching him off balance. Easily she rode his tall frame to the floor and straddled his hips. As they hit the floor, he thrust his hips against her, bringing a yelp of need from both sets of lips. They were both clothed, but a long line of thigh peeked out above her thigh-highs to her skirt. Tsuki leaned down against Yaki, red hair spilling to either side of his chest. She leaned until her lips played against his ear as she hissed against the skin "Do you want this?"
He looked at her like a caged animal, all the need showing on her face. Tsuki sat up and took his hand, slid it over the tops of the hose, grinding herself against his hips and speaking again. "Do you want this?" Her voice came out in a low growl, a distortion of her own. The other hand traced her nails over his cheek, bringing a shudder of restraint from his chest. "Answer me!" Her need was as great as his, but she wouldn't sate her hunger for him without his accepting the consequences. Tsuki knew her life would engulf his the moment he gave in. "Do... you....want...this?"
He knew that this was the last chance. Either she would be devestated, him living forever... or they both would swim the River Styx together. Could he risk power for this silly tryst if it ended badly? For this silly girl who could possibly be the key to part the Veil? If she was the key, he'd gain so much. If not.... Another question plagued the corners of his psyche: Morally, could he bring himself to help Tsuki part the Veil? Yaki swallowed, finally looking at her with clear eyes. "Yes, Tsuki. This is what I want."
Tears came to Tsuki's eyes. She didn't know whether it was sorrow or mirth. Later, she wouldn't remember saying anything. It errupted from her throat, unwilling and not quite her own. "You've just sealed our destruction"
In the distance, the dragons began to weep hot tears of helplessness.