the last resort
like i've always said, i always turn to LJ when i have nowhere else to say what needs to be said.
irony is a cruel damn bitch ain't it?
today was spent deep within the wells of my own thoughts, as most days often are. i thought about ending my day after rehearsal by going to a bar, just going home, walking the entire way... come the end of the day, i've decided i want to swing by stephen and ryan's place because 1) i don't ever get to see them anymore. ever. and 2) because i'm just damn tired of letting me push my life around for a man.
so i want to spend all my time with him. he's made it pretty clear he doens't want to spend his free time with me. i can't help that i do. and he's right, i need him. i need him a hell of a lot more than he needs me. and i don't know where this all happened. i was so much more confident and outgoing and happy when i was single. i think it's because i knew exactly who i was and where that was in relation to other people. now... i'm trying to please someone.
well fuck that.
so i decide i want to spend time with my friends. guy friends. guys. and i want to talk to my drunken phone buddy. while drunk. all night long. and fuck him if he's upset because i fucking miss it. i miss my guys, and i miss having them to myself and they have me to themselves. the whole world is much simpler.
but they're somewhere else. fine. in fact, they're pretty much exactly where i was. less awesome.
so instead i figure ok, i'll go home. at least i'll be able to spend time with my man. but alas, he's chosen tonight of all nights to be the night he actually goes to bed early.
in my misguided attempts to be more independent and alone, i strive to be with other people only to have that fail miserably and end up alone. without ever having actually wanted to be ALONE (ie without other people).
cruel fucking bitch
irony is a cruel damn bitch ain't it?
today was spent deep within the wells of my own thoughts, as most days often are. i thought about ending my day after rehearsal by going to a bar, just going home, walking the entire way... come the end of the day, i've decided i want to swing by stephen and ryan's place because 1) i don't ever get to see them anymore. ever. and 2) because i'm just damn tired of letting me push my life around for a man.
so i want to spend all my time with him. he's made it pretty clear he doens't want to spend his free time with me. i can't help that i do. and he's right, i need him. i need him a hell of a lot more than he needs me. and i don't know where this all happened. i was so much more confident and outgoing and happy when i was single. i think it's because i knew exactly who i was and where that was in relation to other people. now... i'm trying to please someone.
well fuck that.
so i decide i want to spend time with my friends. guy friends. guys. and i want to talk to my drunken phone buddy. while drunk. all night long. and fuck him if he's upset because i fucking miss it. i miss my guys, and i miss having them to myself and they have me to themselves. the whole world is much simpler.
but they're somewhere else. fine. in fact, they're pretty much exactly where i was. less awesome.
so instead i figure ok, i'll go home. at least i'll be able to spend time with my man. but alas, he's chosen tonight of all nights to be the night he actually goes to bed early.
in my misguided attempts to be more independent and alone, i strive to be with other people only to have that fail miserably and end up alone. without ever having actually wanted to be ALONE (ie without other people).
cruel fucking bitch