stupid hormones
i'm confused. with my life. and my sex drive and how i feel about monogamy and polygamy and wholly open relationships. and i'm really not in the mood to have this actual conversation with toby so i'm just going to mull it over here.
[side note: i just hopped across my apartment to try and answer my cell, which i missed. and guess who it was? an agent, calling about auditions. fuck these people, intruding on my personal phone number!!]
anyway. what was i talking about?
oh right.
ok, so here's the sitch. i'm kind of seeing someone. sort of. i doubt we'd call each other boyfriend or girlfriend, and i think maybe i heard him say we were dating but i don't say it. we see each other once or twice a week. we have fun sex.
and the clincher - he's moving to france in a few months.
he's cheated on girlfriends before. i've flat out said i am a polyamorous person by default who enjoys monogamy when it happens. but we haven't had "That Talk" where i ask if we can sleep with other people now.
and then of course that would lead to "just wait until i leave for france" which is just awkward because some of us want to sew the fucking oats now. besides, waiting for france implies that we're together that way and i really don't think we are. i think we're both biding our time with each other and having a fucking blast (no pun intended!), but with no ultimate goals or intentions.
and of course if i'm wrong about this, i suck.
so. last night. and before.
i don't *troll* per se, for the action. but i definitely browse, peruse options. i know i lean toward the unattainable. which in most instances just means "unavailable" and "not single." deep down in the recesses of my S&M fantasy brain, i long to find a network of swingers.
not sex club swingers though, like the ones at that place in the mission i don't remember. i'm talking hot 70's key swapping swingers.
anyway, i'm getting distracted.
i won't use names because, well, i don't want to involve them. but basically there were brothers. [yeah i know, stop right there. well no, i wouldn't do both at once. so now we can move on from that.] one is younger and a friend. the other is older, and just met him a couple days ago.
although someone told me i've met him many times. neither of us remember. weird how drugs do that. hmm...
so here i was, sandwiched between these two brothers. and my S&M brain is just going crazy at the thought of kicking everyone else out of the cab and having a naughty 3some orgy in the moving vehicle. but then my brain shouted "INCEST!" and i moved on.
and it gets so much more twisted from here. the older brother has a girlfriend supposedly, but very little sign of her except that i also met her the other night. and i thought meeting him with his girlfriend right there would help disuade me, but it has not. it simply reasserted the shouting of "HOMEWRECKER!" in my head like it always did in high school.
some nicknames you can be proud of, and others not. this one is a mixture of both.
as for the younger brother, we've always had this awkward "why haven't you two had sex yet?" question from our mutual friends. it makes things difficult. well, perhaps it's the pedophile in me (though i prefer the correct "phebophile") but something about coming of age and the constant marathon sex and hormones raging and everyone still asking why we haven't fucked yet...
well it coupled with finding out that his Sure Thing Fuck for his birthday actually went off and screwed his friend from school, just to come back and sidle up to him stinking of sex. that's not cool. that's skanky and upsetting.
so now we've combined the constant wondering about sex, plus the pity, plus the pity sex notion, plus the birthday sex notion, plus the combination of some 8 odd rounds of drinks... well yeah you see where this is going.
in my attempts to get him drunk for his birthday to get him laid for his birthday (intended to be someone ELSE), well we got chummy. as happens when he loses his wallet at the last bar and the two of us take a solo trip all the way back to get his ID and back to the new bar again. we drank a lot. in fact, i drank him under the table and i am very proud of that.
and as i find happens without your noticing at all, by the time we all made it back to the friends' house and were lying piled on top of her bed smoking more than we should have, suddenly i realize we're on top of each other and twiddling fingers. and his roommate (female, the one always asking why we haven't had sex yet) makes a huge scene. awesome.
and then he passes out on the couch. meanwhile the older brother and i are now eye-to-eye deeply enthralled in the battle of philosophical wits to the nirvana. i miss the days when we would sit up until the wee hours of the morning watching the sun rise, debating the meaning of life and how concentric circles are nature's most beautiful creation.
it reminds me of those first years with you beaumier boys. all the hours of long conversation, self-discovery, and ethics. i think those talks formed the morals and principles i have now. made me really think about all the options and why i like what i do.
well, this one is like that. except moreso. this one, wow. he blows my mind. when he talks to me, he stares straight into my pupil. this normally bothers me, but in this case it didn't. eye contact during conversation is important, and somehow it was how i knew he was listening to every word i was saying and understanding it too.
and he loves concentric circles. and i love symmetry in nature. i have never wanted to delve headfirst into a battle of religion, politics, and universal beauty in such a long time. this one stimulates my brain and my brain likes it.
and apparently so does my sex drive.
i don't really need any helpful comments about "try for the incestuous 3some" or "you skank, stick to one man and stop hogging" or anything. i'm just spilling guts because i can't share on myspace. ha.
actually, i'm sharing because in spite of all the confusion, i am happy. something about meeting new people and having something in common is very pleasant. reminiscent of good times. and i haven't had those in a while.
[side note: i just hopped across my apartment to try and answer my cell, which i missed. and guess who it was? an agent, calling about auditions. fuck these people, intruding on my personal phone number!!]
anyway. what was i talking about?
oh right.
ok, so here's the sitch. i'm kind of seeing someone. sort of. i doubt we'd call each other boyfriend or girlfriend, and i think maybe i heard him say we were dating but i don't say it. we see each other once or twice a week. we have fun sex.
and the clincher - he's moving to france in a few months.
he's cheated on girlfriends before. i've flat out said i am a polyamorous person by default who enjoys monogamy when it happens. but we haven't had "That Talk" where i ask if we can sleep with other people now.
and then of course that would lead to "just wait until i leave for france" which is just awkward because some of us want to sew the fucking oats now. besides, waiting for france implies that we're together that way and i really don't think we are. i think we're both biding our time with each other and having a fucking blast (no pun intended!), but with no ultimate goals or intentions.
and of course if i'm wrong about this, i suck.
so. last night. and before.
i don't *troll* per se, for the action. but i definitely browse, peruse options. i know i lean toward the unattainable. which in most instances just means "unavailable" and "not single." deep down in the recesses of my S&M fantasy brain, i long to find a network of swingers.
not sex club swingers though, like the ones at that place in the mission i don't remember. i'm talking hot 70's key swapping swingers.
anyway, i'm getting distracted.
i won't use names because, well, i don't want to involve them. but basically there were brothers. [yeah i know, stop right there. well no, i wouldn't do both at once. so now we can move on from that.] one is younger and a friend. the other is older, and just met him a couple days ago.
although someone told me i've met him many times. neither of us remember. weird how drugs do that. hmm...
so here i was, sandwiched between these two brothers. and my S&M brain is just going crazy at the thought of kicking everyone else out of the cab and having a naughty 3some orgy in the moving vehicle. but then my brain shouted "INCEST!" and i moved on.
and it gets so much more twisted from here. the older brother has a girlfriend supposedly, but very little sign of her except that i also met her the other night. and i thought meeting him with his girlfriend right there would help disuade me, but it has not. it simply reasserted the shouting of "HOMEWRECKER!" in my head like it always did in high school.
some nicknames you can be proud of, and others not. this one is a mixture of both.
as for the younger brother, we've always had this awkward "why haven't you two had sex yet?" question from our mutual friends. it makes things difficult. well, perhaps it's the pedophile in me (though i prefer the correct "phebophile") but something about coming of age and the constant marathon sex and hormones raging and everyone still asking why we haven't fucked yet...
well it coupled with finding out that his Sure Thing Fuck for his birthday actually went off and screwed his friend from school, just to come back and sidle up to him stinking of sex. that's not cool. that's skanky and upsetting.
so now we've combined the constant wondering about sex, plus the pity, plus the pity sex notion, plus the birthday sex notion, plus the combination of some 8 odd rounds of drinks... well yeah you see where this is going.
in my attempts to get him drunk for his birthday to get him laid for his birthday (intended to be someone ELSE), well we got chummy. as happens when he loses his wallet at the last bar and the two of us take a solo trip all the way back to get his ID and back to the new bar again. we drank a lot. in fact, i drank him under the table and i am very proud of that.
and as i find happens without your noticing at all, by the time we all made it back to the friends' house and were lying piled on top of her bed smoking more than we should have, suddenly i realize we're on top of each other and twiddling fingers. and his roommate (female, the one always asking why we haven't had sex yet) makes a huge scene. awesome.
and then he passes out on the couch. meanwhile the older brother and i are now eye-to-eye deeply enthralled in the battle of philosophical wits to the nirvana. i miss the days when we would sit up until the wee hours of the morning watching the sun rise, debating the meaning of life and how concentric circles are nature's most beautiful creation.
it reminds me of those first years with you beaumier boys. all the hours of long conversation, self-discovery, and ethics. i think those talks formed the morals and principles i have now. made me really think about all the options and why i like what i do.
well, this one is like that. except moreso. this one, wow. he blows my mind. when he talks to me, he stares straight into my pupil. this normally bothers me, but in this case it didn't. eye contact during conversation is important, and somehow it was how i knew he was listening to every word i was saying and understanding it too.
and he loves concentric circles. and i love symmetry in nature. i have never wanted to delve headfirst into a battle of religion, politics, and universal beauty in such a long time. this one stimulates my brain and my brain likes it.
and apparently so does my sex drive.
i don't really need any helpful comments about "try for the incestuous 3some" or "you skank, stick to one man and stop hogging" or anything. i'm just spilling guts because i can't share on myspace. ha.
actually, i'm sharing because in spite of all the confusion, i am happy. something about meeting new people and having something in common is very pleasant. reminiscent of good times. and i haven't had those in a while.