Ashamed, Battered, But Overall Grateful Part Three: The Sunshine Lady
I started working at "Grand Horizons" as a bus person. The pay was okay, but the people during bar time were rude. I had to clean up puke once and refused to do it again.
During that first year and a half... two years I loved my job. I made friends with the staff, but I wanted to waitress again.
I was almost twenty three when I met her: The Sunshine Lady. This woman changed my life forever with a book called the Secret.
I was practicing it, reading it and trying to apply it to my life, but my depression was back biting me in the butt. I started writing about my dreams and my experiences as a way to vent my life. Sora, the name I use was a name that was in my dreams. It's not from a video game or an Anime or Manga and I use it to this day.
My friend Devo told me he had a friend named Sora, but she committed suicide. I remember thinking that was really scary. In fact it was with me all day at work and it had been a bad day. I went over to the bar to have a beer and write on my story and I met her.
She walked right up to me with a smile and said, "Looks like your in it deep honey."
I remember telling her, "I'm in deep shit. My life sucks. My mother hates me and I'm a useless waste of space sucking up oxygen that useful people deserve to breathe.
For some reason I started laughing when all I really wanted to do is cry and she bought me a double shot. She pulled me outside and we had a cigarette. She said her name was Michelle and not to let people bother me. She said she'd seen me work and the shit I went through and I was a beautiful person.
"Don't you ever say that again young lady! If your friends can't be there I'll be there for you."
From that moment on I spent every day she worked and after my work in the bar. Most of the time I'd drink diet soda and write talking to her about our day.
She was always smiling.
It became us, always us. We'd hang out and go places and with her by my side it was easy to talk to people. If I wouldn't talk she'd introduce me and be like, "This is the daughter I never had. If I ever have a daughter I want her to be just like Sora."
I hadn't talked to my other parents for a long time. Chris and Miah were in Texas and I was stuck up here. I missed them and we talked about them. I'll never forget the night we stayed at her house. We both had a twelve hour shift and would only get about four hours of sleep, but she told me something very important.
"Even when you can't talk to them or you can't be with the ones you love, they are still with you."
Never once did she judge me or pity me. When I talked about becoming a published author she told me I would do it. She'd always give me hell about when and where my notebook was. I remember she'd say, "You can't get published if your muse keeps leaving you. You'd bettered fire her ass and give me the job."
Work was hell by this time. I ended up having to have an infected hair follicle cut open and had a high fever. We were supposed to go to the movies. We were so close and then I got sick. My boss let me "keep" my job, but I didn't really care.
and then it happened. The woman who had become my mentor, my muse and one of my family was in an accident.
With the blink of an eye and a telephone call she was gone.
I went to work. I attended the funeral. I shed a few tears, but I didn't cry the way I needed to.
Instead I started pumping out manuscript after manuscript. I joined we book. I got feedback. I made a few friends and then I deleted several of the books.
It wasn't what I wanted or needed. It wasn't going the way I wanted it and the entire time my life started going downhill again.
One year later... I still hadn't cried.
Even after I fell again at work and ruptured two disks in my spine.
Even after my boss screwed me out of workman's comp.
Even after I was in debt up to my eyebrows and my mom's side of the family kept smearing it in, except my brother and my cousin Maggie.
I started giving up and I even forgot the way she smiled. I forgot everything and fell back into that hole where I didn't think I'd ever get up again.