Frustrated & Confused...
I don't know.... I'm so tired of crap and I just need to vent, even though I still have an hour and a half left of homework to do and it's 10:30 and I have to get up at 7:00 to go to class at 9, but I just need to vent. I'm just so fed-up with everything right now! I'm tired of this stupid summer of 10 credits and working. I don't have a summer I feel like. I don't even think I'm doing that well in my Microeconomics class either. It's actually rather difficult and not because the material is difficult, but that my teacher is kind of hard and for some reason I just can't put the effort into the class that I know I should. I think I'm getting about a C in there right now and I know I should care, but I just can't. Then I'm getting tired of driving everywhere. I flippin' hate Rte. 14 right now. I'm tired of people who can't drive the speed limit and that there is no where to pass them. Today, on my way home from class, I get behind not 1, not 2, but 3 drivers who all were going somewhere between 50-55, on a 55 speed limit highway. Oh, and my other favorite is when people who are obviously driving slower than me and are in front of me get in the left lane when it turns into that 4 lanes over by Deeters for like a 100 yds, that's my absolute killer. And I also hate living at home because in instances such as tonight when all I wanted to do was be alone, I had no where to go and got yelled at for snapping at my family just because I wanted to be left alone, but like I said there's no where to go, not even my own room cuz it's over-crowded with crap. I know it's only a couple more weeks until I move into my apartment in Dekalb, but still... I'm going flippin' nuts here. And I just would like to say how retarded I am when it comes to boys. And that makes me mad too. So I really like this boy, but I can't just come out to him and tell him because I get so scared. It's like every other boy has screwed me up into thinking that I can't tell them that I like them because that makes me vulnerable which is bad and also cuz I don't like rejection. Not to mention, I probably haven't had a serious crush on a boy in probably over a year. Yeah, I think the last one was right after Adam and I broke-up and I only had a crush on him for a week, because once we actually started going on dates, I realize how wrong he was for me. So yeah, we're talking about 9 months ago. And it sucks because this boy is definitely shy and is not going to come and tell me he likes me either if he is feeling that way. And I can't tell if he does like me or not either. I mean, we don't get to see each other that often at all, but when we do, we both end up getting drunk together and making-out. Probably a bad thing... But then this past weekend when we were both drinking and kissing at the bar, he decided that he would rather take a walk instead so we walked around Madison's campus and talked and he was holding my hand and then when we went to bed we were kind of holding hands for a long time, but then in the morning it was all awkward. Like I woke-up and didn't know what to do so I just got up and started getting ready and then my friends and I were getting ready to leave and he got up and was saying good-bye to every one and it came to me and he looked at me and said bye and all I said was adios and ran out the door like an idiot. I don't know, it was the first thing that came to my mind. Yes, I know I'm retarded. And now I don't know what to do, because we still haven't even exchanged phone numbers. We had been writing each other messages on facebook for the past month, but they were just light ones that were inside jokes between the two of us. And I want to do something now so he knows I'm interested without me being obvious that I'm interested if that makes sense. Like writing him a message that's light with an inside joke, but I got nothing... And then a part of me is just like write a message that says you had fun the other night and would love to do it again sometime, but I don't want to freak him out either and put myself out there. What do I do???? I'm sooo confused.... Grrr.....