Love's Sorrow Chapter 18
Title: Love's Sorrow
Author: aoi_jihyo
Beta: shine_xd
Length: 18/20
Pairing: Yoosu, jaechun (slight)
Genre: Angst/Smut/Romance/Drama
Rating: R
Warning: M-preg
Summary: Junsu was aware that the man was his brother-in-law. Yoochun wasn't his and he knew it. But Junsu's darkest side still wanted him, it desired him. It was a question of pride, wasn't it?
Wasn't it?
Jaejoong couldn't describe the pain he was feeling at the moment. Yoochun didn't love him; he didn't want him anymore, and even though he had known it for a long time now, looking at them kissing like that after all that had happened, it really killed him.
Wiping away his tears, the man let his head fall over his desk. His arms were folded under his chest. There, silently, he scratched his pale skin over and over again until it began to bleed. Pain was not a stranger to him. Although he wished to have all the pain he felt on his heart replace but physical pain. Jaejoong was sure that physical pain would heal sooner or later. The pain he felt though- he just wasn’t sure if that was going to leave him.
He also wondered what he was going to do after Yoochun wasn't with him anymore. Was he going to find someone else? The idea seemed almost impossible; he hoped for it to become true, though. He thought of many things, having an affair himself, faking a pregnancy, committing suicide, all those thoughts had crossed his mind more than once. They all sounded stupid, but he wasn't precisely on his best mental conditions, so he couldn't really blame himself for thinking that way. Feeling dizzy because of the wound on his forehead, which he had cause when his head landed on the hard wood, Jaejoong stumbled to the table where the wine was at.
He was going to drink himself to oblivion.
He drank and cried, cried and drank until he couldn't even remember his name. He laughed like crazy; he sang every song of broken hearts that he knew. He felt so happy, so really happy. Well, that was for some time because after all the laughter he was crying his heart out again. He cursed them all. All of them were evil. And then he laughed some more, and cried once again.
He couldn't remember how or when he fell asleep but he did; he slept on the floor of his office for hours. He was happy; he didn’t dream that night.
Suddenly the door opened. Yoochun looked around trying to find Jaejoong. His eyes met the fragile body of his wife in an instant.
They had been looking for Jaejoong for some time now. It was already really late and when the boy didn’t come back the entire family was caught up with concern. Yoochun sighed as he looked in what condition the other man was. Well, at least he didn’t commit a stupidity as his still mother-in-law had said.
Being careful, he woke Jaejoong up. The man looked at him for long seconds, and then smiled. It was smiled Yoochun wasn’t ready for. It was hard to describe, but it was truly one of the most beautiful things the man had seen in his life. It was soon replace but a frowned as pain showed on his face.
Yoochun knew that Jaejoong wasn’t a good drinker. In fact, he was really bad with alcohol. Once the man had his eyes wide open, he began to laugh. His arms began to wander on Yoochun’s neck.
“Chun! You are here,” he laughed again.
The other man held Jaejoong tight so he wouldn’t fall. Yoochun wanted to take Jaejoong to their house.
The whole trip to the house had been sad but funny at the same time. Jaejoong was really cute saying incoherent things, but then he could cry calling him a bad man and so many more things. Once they were in their house, Yoochun took the older man to their bedroom and left him there. He slept in one of the guest’s rooms for the mean time.
Jaejoong couldn’t describe the pain he felt in his head the next day. He walked downstairs to the kitchen to drink some water. He felt like crap, there was no doubt about that, but he actually felt really relief as if a huge, really heavy, weight had just been lifted from his shoulders.
“Are you feeling better?” Yoochun asked. He was feeling guilty, but he was confused once met Jaejoong’s eyes. “You look happy,” he said this time with a questioning tone.
Jaejoong thought for a second. “Yeah, I don’t know, I just feel better, I guess.”
The other man nodded. “I’m happy then.” He bit his lip. “We need to talk, now.” It was funny how many times he had said that already.
“Yeah, we need to talk.” They both walked to the living room and sat on the sofa. “Yoochun,” Jaejoong said before the other could even open his mouth. “I know what you want to talk with me about.”
The other frowned. “You do?”
Jaejoong nodded his head. “I know that you want to be with Junsu and your baby,” he smiled. “I won’t get in between you two, I’m tired of all this already, that’s why I will just step aside, don’t worry about me anymore.”
Yoochun couldn’t really understand what Jaejoong was saying, he was really confused because of the sudden change of attitude.
“I’m finished.”
“I,” he sighed. “I understand, I just don’t want our relationship to end in bad terms, Jaejoong, you are a really special person to me, I don’t want you to be miserable.”
There it was again, the pain Jaejoong was trying to forget came back. “Don’t, just, don’t do that, Yoochun. Why can’t you just throw me away without looking back at me? I don’t want your pity; I don’t want to be a burden.”
Jaejoong’s heart almost stopped the moment he felt Yoochun’s hands over his cheeks, his forehead against his own. “Do you really think am that type of person? I loved you, Jaejoong, and even though it might not be in the same way, I still love you. Is selfish of me to ask you for forgiveness, I know it’s really cruel to even think that we can just go and be friends, but I don’t want to lose you, you are too precious to me.”
Jaejoong’s eyes stung painfully; there were tears flowing from them. “Why did you fall out of love with me, then?”
“Because-I don’t know, I never thought about it. Maybe I was just too stupid to see you, maybe-”
“Junsu was simply more precious than me.”
“That’s-”
“It’s okay, I know it, and you don’t have to worry about hurting me anymore. Please, just forget about it, I’m sure I will be just fine.”
Being alone, watching Yoochun leave wasn’t easy, but it was okay, he was used to the pain. Maybe too used to it. He was going to smile, he was going to laugh and forget about Yoochun, he was going to do it tomorrow, for now, he was going to stay inside the study room reading some of his favorite novels. He was going to drown in someone else’s pain to forget his own.
---------
The next couple of days weren’t easy or significantly different from the previous. He thought for long hours; he wanted to find a way out. The thought of waiting for everything to calm down, for his feelings to die down, seemed completely impossible.
Yoochun had been his first partner; he didn’t have experience with breakups. Jaejoong didn’t know how he was supposed to recover. He walked inside his favorite public library. The place was huge, but there weren’t many people. Usually he would prefer smaller, more private, places, but this library being so big meant that the chances on crossing with someone else were null.
With small steps he reached one of the shelves. There was a book that caught his eyes. With gentle hands, he took the book on them. He sniffed the paper; he loved the smell of books. These weren’t so old, but it didn’t mean they didn’t have that rustic smell on them. Maybe it was only him that thought so.
He read until really late at night. His eyes were tired and puffy by the time he closed the last book. With an apologetic smile he walked away from the place.
“You really like to read, don’t you?”
Jaejoong looked at the voices’ owner. There besides him was a tall young man. He was probably around twenty years old. He was handsome, too, Jaejoong noticed.
“Yes, I do.”
The man smiled widely. “I like to read too, it’s of the few things that made me forget about everything, all my problems.”
Yeah, reading would always take his problems away, but reading would never make them disappear, he knew that.
“I’m sorry if I’m being insolence, I just think you are a really beautiful person, but looking at you, it really makes me sad, I don’t know why. It’s probably your eyes, they are too sad.”
Jaejoong wanted to tell the man to scram, but he didn’t. He didn’t have the strength to do that.
On the contrary, he couldn’t really remember how he ended up inside the boy’s apartment. The place was small, there was no doubt the boy was a university student.
“Don’t worry,” whispered the low voice. “I’ll make you forget everything.”
He closed his eyes at the thought. Or maybe it was just the shiver the voice provoked that made his eyes and mind shut off the world. His hands were warm against his own skin. His body was trembling at the magnificent touch. He wanted to tell the boy to stop, but at the same time he didn’t want him to stop. At the end he decided to let him do whatever he wanted to him, at least he would enjoy it.
Doing it with a man other than his husband was surprisingly a really satisfying experience. The way the young figure was moving, thrusting, on top of him, inside of him, was delirious.
Loud moans escaped his mouth. The frenetic movement was driving him crazy, and even though he thought he would die of too much pleasure, he asked for more.
“You are beautiful,” whispered the man once again.
Indeed, he was really beautiful. Jaejoong was aware of the fact, but there hadn’t been many benefits from it as many would think.
At the end of the act, both men lay on the bed with heavy breathe. Jaejoong was covered on tears, while the other man had a smile on his face.
“It was awesome,” he said. He turned to see Jaejoong, at that moment he noticed the drops falling from his eyes. “I’m sorry, are you okay? Did I hurt you?”
Jaejoong shook his head. “No, no you didn’t.”
“Don’t tell me I was that bad?”
“You were extraordinary; it was one of the best nights of my life.”
“Why are you crying then?”
The respond never came. Jaejoong closed his eyes and said, “Can I stay here for the night? I just don’t feel like moving.”
“Sure, I don’t have classes tomorrow anyways.”
He wasn’t crying because he didn’t want to do it with the man. He didn’t regret it at all, but-his heart was still getting use to the idea of not being with Yoochun. Maybe everyone was right, maybe they weren’t really in love anymore, it was probably just a habit to be together. Yes, those thoughts made him feel undoubtedly better.
---------
“I’m really sorry for what happened last night. I didn’t want to be such a burden,” Jaejoong apologized as he stood at the front door.
The boy smiled looking at the beautiful face. “Don’t worry, I’m happy you accepted coming to my place, I thought you would kick my ass when I asked you.”
“Well, I guess I should be going.”
Before the man disappeared from sight the younger boy shouted. “Can I call you?”
Jaejoong smiled. “No.”
“At least I tried. So that means that you won’t even tell me your name and that there is no point for me on telling you mine, right?”
“That’s right. Good bye.”
---------
The next couple of days Jaejoong felt singularly happier. Maybe he wasn’t all bright and shiny, but at least now he wasn’t crying on every corner.
After thinking for long hours and coming to the same conclusion he decided that what he needed was some time for him. Maybe that was the reason he hadn’t go to his parents' house or even the company. He was sure that Yoochun was taking care of all the business as always; another thing for what he fell for the man. Shaking the thoughts away he walked to his bedroom. The place now looked roomier since Yoochun’s stuff was long gone.
On his desk were some apartment catalogs, he had been looking at them for some time now and finally he made his decision on moving.
Now the only thing he needed was a new hairstyle and some new outfits, or that was people say is good to recover of a broken heart.
Chapter 19
Hi! I'm really tired today, I just came back from work ;_;
Sorry for the late update, I had an important test, and well, you know how the last couple of weeks had been for us the JYJ fans ;_;
Author: aoi_jihyo
Beta: shine_xd
Length: 18/20
Pairing: Yoosu, jaechun (slight)
Genre: Angst/Smut/Romance/Drama
Rating: R
Warning: M-preg
Summary: Junsu was aware that the man was his brother-in-law. Yoochun wasn't his and he knew it. But Junsu's darkest side still wanted him, it desired him. It was a question of pride, wasn't it?
Wasn't it?
Jaejoong couldn't describe the pain he was feeling at the moment. Yoochun didn't love him; he didn't want him anymore, and even though he had known it for a long time now, looking at them kissing like that after all that had happened, it really killed him.
Wiping away his tears, the man let his head fall over his desk. His arms were folded under his chest. There, silently, he scratched his pale skin over and over again until it began to bleed. Pain was not a stranger to him. Although he wished to have all the pain he felt on his heart replace but physical pain. Jaejoong was sure that physical pain would heal sooner or later. The pain he felt though- he just wasn’t sure if that was going to leave him.
He also wondered what he was going to do after Yoochun wasn't with him anymore. Was he going to find someone else? The idea seemed almost impossible; he hoped for it to become true, though. He thought of many things, having an affair himself, faking a pregnancy, committing suicide, all those thoughts had crossed his mind more than once. They all sounded stupid, but he wasn't precisely on his best mental conditions, so he couldn't really blame himself for thinking that way. Feeling dizzy because of the wound on his forehead, which he had cause when his head landed on the hard wood, Jaejoong stumbled to the table where the wine was at.
He was going to drink himself to oblivion.
He drank and cried, cried and drank until he couldn't even remember his name. He laughed like crazy; he sang every song of broken hearts that he knew. He felt so happy, so really happy. Well, that was for some time because after all the laughter he was crying his heart out again. He cursed them all. All of them were evil. And then he laughed some more, and cried once again.
He couldn't remember how or when he fell asleep but he did; he slept on the floor of his office for hours. He was happy; he didn’t dream that night.
Suddenly the door opened. Yoochun looked around trying to find Jaejoong. His eyes met the fragile body of his wife in an instant.
They had been looking for Jaejoong for some time now. It was already really late and when the boy didn’t come back the entire family was caught up with concern. Yoochun sighed as he looked in what condition the other man was. Well, at least he didn’t commit a stupidity as his still mother-in-law had said.
Being careful, he woke Jaejoong up. The man looked at him for long seconds, and then smiled. It was smiled Yoochun wasn’t ready for. It was hard to describe, but it was truly one of the most beautiful things the man had seen in his life. It was soon replace but a frowned as pain showed on his face.
Yoochun knew that Jaejoong wasn’t a good drinker. In fact, he was really bad with alcohol. Once the man had his eyes wide open, he began to laugh. His arms began to wander on Yoochun’s neck.
“Chun! You are here,” he laughed again.
The other man held Jaejoong tight so he wouldn’t fall. Yoochun wanted to take Jaejoong to their house.
The whole trip to the house had been sad but funny at the same time. Jaejoong was really cute saying incoherent things, but then he could cry calling him a bad man and so many more things. Once they were in their house, Yoochun took the older man to their bedroom and left him there. He slept in one of the guest’s rooms for the mean time.
Jaejoong couldn’t describe the pain he felt in his head the next day. He walked downstairs to the kitchen to drink some water. He felt like crap, there was no doubt about that, but he actually felt really relief as if a huge, really heavy, weight had just been lifted from his shoulders.
“Are you feeling better?” Yoochun asked. He was feeling guilty, but he was confused once met Jaejoong’s eyes. “You look happy,” he said this time with a questioning tone.
Jaejoong thought for a second. “Yeah, I don’t know, I just feel better, I guess.”
The other man nodded. “I’m happy then.” He bit his lip. “We need to talk, now.” It was funny how many times he had said that already.
“Yeah, we need to talk.” They both walked to the living room and sat on the sofa. “Yoochun,” Jaejoong said before the other could even open his mouth. “I know what you want to talk with me about.”
The other frowned. “You do?”
Jaejoong nodded his head. “I know that you want to be with Junsu and your baby,” he smiled. “I won’t get in between you two, I’m tired of all this already, that’s why I will just step aside, don’t worry about me anymore.”
Yoochun couldn’t really understand what Jaejoong was saying, he was really confused because of the sudden change of attitude.
“I’m finished.”
“I,” he sighed. “I understand, I just don’t want our relationship to end in bad terms, Jaejoong, you are a really special person to me, I don’t want you to be miserable.”
There it was again, the pain Jaejoong was trying to forget came back. “Don’t, just, don’t do that, Yoochun. Why can’t you just throw me away without looking back at me? I don’t want your pity; I don’t want to be a burden.”
Jaejoong’s heart almost stopped the moment he felt Yoochun’s hands over his cheeks, his forehead against his own. “Do you really think am that type of person? I loved you, Jaejoong, and even though it might not be in the same way, I still love you. Is selfish of me to ask you for forgiveness, I know it’s really cruel to even think that we can just go and be friends, but I don’t want to lose you, you are too precious to me.”
Jaejoong’s eyes stung painfully; there were tears flowing from them. “Why did you fall out of love with me, then?”
“Because-I don’t know, I never thought about it. Maybe I was just too stupid to see you, maybe-”
“Junsu was simply more precious than me.”
“That’s-”
“It’s okay, I know it, and you don’t have to worry about hurting me anymore. Please, just forget about it, I’m sure I will be just fine.”
Being alone, watching Yoochun leave wasn’t easy, but it was okay, he was used to the pain. Maybe too used to it. He was going to smile, he was going to laugh and forget about Yoochun, he was going to do it tomorrow, for now, he was going to stay inside the study room reading some of his favorite novels. He was going to drown in someone else’s pain to forget his own.
---------
The next couple of days weren’t easy or significantly different from the previous. He thought for long hours; he wanted to find a way out. The thought of waiting for everything to calm down, for his feelings to die down, seemed completely impossible.
Yoochun had been his first partner; he didn’t have experience with breakups. Jaejoong didn’t know how he was supposed to recover. He walked inside his favorite public library. The place was huge, but there weren’t many people. Usually he would prefer smaller, more private, places, but this library being so big meant that the chances on crossing with someone else were null.
With small steps he reached one of the shelves. There was a book that caught his eyes. With gentle hands, he took the book on them. He sniffed the paper; he loved the smell of books. These weren’t so old, but it didn’t mean they didn’t have that rustic smell on them. Maybe it was only him that thought so.
He read until really late at night. His eyes were tired and puffy by the time he closed the last book. With an apologetic smile he walked away from the place.
“You really like to read, don’t you?”
Jaejoong looked at the voices’ owner. There besides him was a tall young man. He was probably around twenty years old. He was handsome, too, Jaejoong noticed.
“Yes, I do.”
The man smiled widely. “I like to read too, it’s of the few things that made me forget about everything, all my problems.”
Yeah, reading would always take his problems away, but reading would never make them disappear, he knew that.
“I’m sorry if I’m being insolence, I just think you are a really beautiful person, but looking at you, it really makes me sad, I don’t know why. It’s probably your eyes, they are too sad.”
Jaejoong wanted to tell the man to scram, but he didn’t. He didn’t have the strength to do that.
On the contrary, he couldn’t really remember how he ended up inside the boy’s apartment. The place was small, there was no doubt the boy was a university student.
“Don’t worry,” whispered the low voice. “I’ll make you forget everything.”
He closed his eyes at the thought. Or maybe it was just the shiver the voice provoked that made his eyes and mind shut off the world. His hands were warm against his own skin. His body was trembling at the magnificent touch. He wanted to tell the boy to stop, but at the same time he didn’t want him to stop. At the end he decided to let him do whatever he wanted to him, at least he would enjoy it.
Doing it with a man other than his husband was surprisingly a really satisfying experience. The way the young figure was moving, thrusting, on top of him, inside of him, was delirious.
Loud moans escaped his mouth. The frenetic movement was driving him crazy, and even though he thought he would die of too much pleasure, he asked for more.
“You are beautiful,” whispered the man once again.
Indeed, he was really beautiful. Jaejoong was aware of the fact, but there hadn’t been many benefits from it as many would think.
At the end of the act, both men lay on the bed with heavy breathe. Jaejoong was covered on tears, while the other man had a smile on his face.
“It was awesome,” he said. He turned to see Jaejoong, at that moment he noticed the drops falling from his eyes. “I’m sorry, are you okay? Did I hurt you?”
Jaejoong shook his head. “No, no you didn’t.”
“Don’t tell me I was that bad?”
“You were extraordinary; it was one of the best nights of my life.”
“Why are you crying then?”
The respond never came. Jaejoong closed his eyes and said, “Can I stay here for the night? I just don’t feel like moving.”
“Sure, I don’t have classes tomorrow anyways.”
He wasn’t crying because he didn’t want to do it with the man. He didn’t regret it at all, but-his heart was still getting use to the idea of not being with Yoochun. Maybe everyone was right, maybe they weren’t really in love anymore, it was probably just a habit to be together. Yes, those thoughts made him feel undoubtedly better.
---------
“I’m really sorry for what happened last night. I didn’t want to be such a burden,” Jaejoong apologized as he stood at the front door.
The boy smiled looking at the beautiful face. “Don’t worry, I’m happy you accepted coming to my place, I thought you would kick my ass when I asked you.”
“Well, I guess I should be going.”
Before the man disappeared from sight the younger boy shouted. “Can I call you?”
Jaejoong smiled. “No.”
“At least I tried. So that means that you won’t even tell me your name and that there is no point for me on telling you mine, right?”
“That’s right. Good bye.”
---------
The next couple of days Jaejoong felt singularly happier. Maybe he wasn’t all bright and shiny, but at least now he wasn’t crying on every corner.
After thinking for long hours and coming to the same conclusion he decided that what he needed was some time for him. Maybe that was the reason he hadn’t go to his parents' house or even the company. He was sure that Yoochun was taking care of all the business as always; another thing for what he fell for the man. Shaking the thoughts away he walked to his bedroom. The place now looked roomier since Yoochun’s stuff was long gone.
On his desk were some apartment catalogs, he had been looking at them for some time now and finally he made his decision on moving.
Now the only thing he needed was a new hairstyle and some new outfits, or that was people say is good to recover of a broken heart.
Chapter 19
Hi! I'm really tired today, I just came back from work ;_;
Sorry for the late update, I had an important test, and well, you know how the last couple of weeks had been for us the JYJ fans ;_;