It took a lot for me to want to change. Goes to show you how wonderful this girl is. ANY girl can get a guy to say he will change and every guy says he will change and 99% of them don't. They just don't change, most woman take a long time to realize this though. But to get a guy to actually CHANGE for the better and to consistently stay that way is something special. She was very special to me and as we talked about bad traits I found myself agreeing that I "WANTED" to change some things. I guess I deserve some kudos because most guys don't want to change period and I did. Now there are some things I don't want to change that people look at as bad about me, I'm shy in the beginning and thats bad but I don't want to change it and I won't and I don't need to. Where most guys get trapped is that they realize they need to change things but they don't want to. The things I needed to change, I wanted to change. She was the reason I wanted to change and why I did. She helped me step up another level, now that is some girl. She is great and I knew how much this girl meant to me a long time ago... yet ive had to go through more of the realization stages then the assholes do. An ex boyfriend of hers told her she couldn't say things around me and vice versa and I had to evaluate what she meant to me. If I should fight for the things I deemed important in a friendship or if I thought it was a simple hi how are you friendship. I didn't love her then but I knew she meant a lot to me and I fought and I won. For the integrity of our friendship I had to stand ground and say I wasent going to let anyone say I can't do something that weather a big part or a small part in our relashinship is still a PART of US and I won. Still for awhile there I wasen't sure if we would be friends anymore, I definitely went through some realizations there. A couple of times I was scared she was dead... cried myself to sleep. Call her on the phone (big deal for me then) and she hung up. Long night once again the reason I cried was because of what she meant to me and I knew it. New jerk of a boyfriend shows up says she can't be near me without him near. I need a babysitter now I guess. Forced again to either stand up and fight or betray what in my mind was a great friendship that deserved no less then my best and my best ant around that jack ass, I choose to fight and I won again but not without even more reflection because once again I feared for her life. I think she might had come to a realization about me that day. Not for sure about that but from what I put together I tell her that i'm standing up for us and not letting that dick decide what she and I are about annd she talks to him, hes a shithead as always, she thinks I might be gone from her life, shes sad, suicidal, then dickhead says okay you can be around him alone. I dont know if it was because of that she was suicidal but all I know is when I said it she left scaring me with her words and the next day she said that night was bad but that she and I could be alone now. So I think thats what happened, although perhaps I give myself too much credit or something. Well next she goes and gets married and moves away. Yeah that one hurt a little. Ever since that day its been pretty much a continual rehash of how much she means to me. Best friend is gone, for awhile I didn't have any means of contacting her and I thought about her a lot. Some rough days and nights there thinking how much I loved her and knowing I couldn't even talk to her. Many realizations all the while I never even needed one. I knew what she meant to me... so few of us do. Thats love, thats real love.
To tie what might seem like an endless rant about nothing in particular to this journal entry...
Catherine also has needlessly had to face such junctions in life. Her dear friend Jackie died suddenly. She wen't into the hospital hoping she would have a better life coming out, and it turned out her life tragicly and needlessly was ended. The typical movie ending would have Catherine learning some perfound thing about her dearly departed friend that would bring a tear to everyone's eye because her friend never knew her true feelings. But alas this is not a movie and the true story is even more of a tear jerker. Jackie was a great friend, an ensightfull soul, a caring and loving person, a person who said what she thought, a person who wanted the best for her friend Catherine. A person who Catherine loved, a person she will dearly miss for the rest of her life. And Catherine knew all of that before. Somehow I think it hurts more when the person you know you care about is gone, out of reach. Still she should take comfort how she was one of the few souls who can honestly and truly say with all their heart that they cared about someone so much they didn't need some stupid test to realize it. Thats the lesson folks, take a serious look at your life now and at your past. There are probably people in your life then and now that if you stopped and thought about it mean so much more then you are willing to give them credit for. Perhaps a love interest, perhaps a friend. At the same time their might be people in your life that you give too much credit too when they've done nothing but treat you badly. Its time to switch positions there, don't be another soul who had something great all along but was so blind something awful had to happen to make you see it. Look now, be a "true life" romantic. You know what I do everytime that predictable scene happens where the asshole of a guy goes to the girl who has done nothing but treat him good and has a breakdown and she falls in love with him? I do two things, first I do a half smile and breath out a weak laugh, then my eyes go down as I realize most people fall for it. How I could never have a girl go "awwww your so sweet" because my love story isen't fit for a movie... my love story is real. Its true, it probably won't have the fairy tail ending but only movies really do... and I don't want that. Because in my eyes, my love story is so much better then anything Hollywood could ever put out. I'm an independent film that no one wants to watch but the few people that do end up loving it more then anything else theyve ever seen. Its something to be proud of.
Be very proud that you are also like that in most ways Catherine. You've basicly known what the people around you truly mean and no tests or separations or deaths have to happen for you to realize how you feel. I always thought I surprised you a little but you always thought I would mean something and you've come to look at me as even more but not because something bad happened, because you just were around me more and saw things you didn't see before. Thats how its supposed to be done. Thank you for knowing mostly what I mean to you, that inside your heart you care deeply for me. I of course care for you with all my soul. Take pride and comfort in the fact that you and Jackie cared deeply for each other. You loved each other with all your hearts and you both knew it. Even though not so long before that you hadent even talked much, you both knew how much it was eating you up inside and that you didn't need to do it. She loved you very much, you love her very much. I also love you very much Catherine, may you always know who loves you without games or pretty scripted lines. Your my love story, and if you ask me despite their being no typical Hollywood ending I think my love story is truer then anyone elses on this planet.
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Catherine also has needlessly had to face such junctions in life. Her dear friend Jackie died suddenly. She wen't into the hospital hoping she would have a better life coming out, and it turned out her life tragicly and needlessly was ended. The typical movie ending would have Catherine learning some perfound thing about her dearly departed friend that would bring a tear to everyone's eye because her friend never knew her true feelings. But alas this is not a movie and the true story is even more of a tear jerker. Jackie was a great friend, an ensightfull soul, a caring and loving person, a person who said what she thought, a person who wanted the best for her friend Catherine. A person who Catherine loved, a person she will dearly miss for the rest of her life. And Catherine knew all of that before. Somehow I think it hurts more when the person you know you care about is gone, out of reach. Still she should take comfort how she was one of the few souls who can honestly and truly say with all their heart that they cared about someone so much they didn't need some stupid test to realize it. Thats the lesson folks, take a serious look at your life now and at your past. There are probably people in your life then and now that if you stopped and thought about it mean so much more then you are willing to give them credit for. Perhaps a love interest, perhaps a friend. At the same time their might be people in your life that you give too much credit too when they've done nothing but treat you badly. Its time to switch positions there, don't be another soul who had something great all along but was so blind something awful had to happen to make you see it. Look now, be a "true life" romantic. You know what I do everytime that predictable scene happens where the asshole of a guy goes to the girl who has done nothing but treat him good and has a breakdown and she falls in love with him? I do two things, first I do a half smile and breath out a weak laugh, then my eyes go down as I realize most people fall for it. How I could never have a girl go "awwww your so sweet" because my love story isen't fit for a movie... my love story is real. Its true, it probably won't have the fairy tail ending but only movies really do... and I don't want that. Because in my eyes, my love story is so much better then anything Hollywood could ever put out. I'm an independent film that no one wants to watch but the few people that do end up loving it more then anything else theyve ever seen. Its something to be proud of.
Be very proud that you are also like that in most ways Catherine. You've basicly known what the people around you truly mean and no tests or separations or deaths have to happen for you to realize how you feel. I always thought I surprised you a little but you always thought I would mean something and you've come to look at me as even more but not because something bad happened, because you just were around me more and saw things you didn't see before. Thats how its supposed to be done. Thank you for knowing mostly what I mean to you, that inside your heart you care deeply for me. I of course care for you with all my soul. Take pride and comfort in the fact that you and Jackie cared deeply for each other. You loved each other with all your hearts and you both knew it. Even though not so long before that you hadent even talked much, you both knew how much it was eating you up inside and that you didn't need to do it. She loved you very much, you love her very much. I also love you very much Catherine, may you always know who loves you without games or pretty scripted lines. Your my love story, and if you ask me despite their being no typical Hollywood ending I think my love story is truer then anyone elses on this planet.
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