Bad Dogsitter
I am a bad dogsitter.
The dog in question is a lovely little beagle; she belongs to my daughter’s best friend. Puppy is staying the night at our house, and I am totally beside myself.
First. I am afraid of dogs. Not, like, deathly afraid. They make me anxious. My eldest spent a week in the hospital when he was a baby because of a dog bite. So now I look at dogs and I’m waiting for them to bite. Even when it’s totally unwarranted- this dog is super well-behaved and loves kids and is incredibly well trained and everything. But it’s still a dog. With teeth. That could bite. It makes me want to cry, which is irrational, but there you go.
Second. For some reason, if you ignore dogs, they really want you to pay attention. I have a friend with a Newfoundland who never, ever, ever jumps up on anybody. Most well-behaved dog in the world. The first time I came over, this giant beast of a dog jumped up on me to give me a hug. And loves. (Friend sent the doggy outside, and I was grateful.) No matter the dog, no matter the house, no matter the owners, I apparently have universally delicious ankles, because I have literally never been in a house with a dog and left with my ankles unlicked. This completely freaks me out.And freaks out the owners too, because they’re like, I don’t understand, Lucius has never done that before!!!!!!!!
Two and a Half: I am ersatz mommy to this dog, I guess, because she follows me all over the place. Up the stairs, down the stairs. Down in my office, up in my bedroom. My daughter is trying desperately to play with her, but Puppy just wants to follow me. I’m not going anywhere! I’m not doing anything! Why are you watching me?!
Third. The dog we’re sitting is a very, very good dog, and my daughter wants a dog like you wouldn’t believe, so I say yes because I’m trying to chill about them. I pet Puppy and give her treats. I make sure she has water and walks and gets her food on her schedule. But I have no idea what level of attention I’m supposed to be paying a dog. I’m checking every fifteen minuts to see if she needs to go out. When she stops wandering around, I’m afraid she’s bored. When she wanders constantly, I’m afraid she’s anxious. This is my kid’s best friend’s dog and I am utterly terrified that I am going to damage her somehow in the short 24 hour window during which she’s staying with us.
Four: Or worse, what if she runs away? What if she gets off her lead? What if she finds a piece of heretofore unknown chocolate that somebody dropped on the floor and she eats it and she DIES? What if I take her for a walk and a wolf eats her? YOU GUYS MY WHOLE JOB IS THINKING UP THE WORST POSSIBLE SCENARIO FOR ANY GIVEN SITUATION DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY BAD THINGS COULD HAPPEN TO A HELPLESS PET AT THE HANDS OF A DOG IDIOT? THERE ARE SO MANY.
Five: I’m going to post this and some well-meaning person is going to tell me that Puppy senses my anxiety and she’s trying to herd me or take care of me or protect me and that all dogs lick anxious ankles and dogs are universally wonderful and I should just sit back and relax and enjoy this wonderful little muffin lovey boo boo bunny! While all of these things are true, anxiety isn’t all that interested in facts. Anxiety is interested in OMG IS THAT DROOL OR IS THAT RABIES?! And WHAT IF SHE EATS MY BABY’S FACE IN THE NIGHT!? NOBODY BELIEVED THAT WOMAN ABOUT THE DINGOES!
Six: I have now reached my all-caps quotient for the day, which means two things. First, I won’t be commenting on any online newspapers for the rest of the day, and second, I’d better wrap this up and go find out why Puppy is wandering, but only a little, and semi-randomly. This is either totally normal dog behavior or a very bad sign, and I don’t know which.
I am a bad dogsitter.
Originally published at MSUFaL. You can comment here or there.