Meanwhile, in the Land of Faptasy
“You're a bandit!” she said in a tone that was neither a statement, nor a question.
The man smiled, admiring her naivete.
“Respected lady, were I a bandit, I would have introduced myself with a false name, offered miracles, and not just my humble company, led you to a secluded place and then -”
She decided to prove to him that she wasn’t that stupid.
“Out of curiosity,” she interrupted him. “In that secluded place, would you mug me or rape me?”
He bowed slightly, respecting Kai’s quick wit.
“Glorious witch. Forgive me, but if I were that knave, I would do both.”
“Uh-huh. And if you didn’t have enough time, which one would you choose?”
He bowed again, noticing how she had forced a compliment out of him.
“My Lady, if I could choose just one - I’d rape you!”
She laughed. She really liked that reply.
Andrzej Ziemiański, Monument of Empress Achaja, translated from Polish by me (with tears in my eyes)
The abomination that you see above is an excerpt of a Polish fantasy novel - and not some obscure, little-known one. No, the books by Ziemianski (a trilogy and its sequel, a pentalogy, both consisting of 500-page long doorstoppers) are published by one of the largest Polish publishing houses, widely advertised, quite popular and rated around 7-8/10 on the Polish equivalent of Goodreads.
Those books belong to a genre that the more discerning readers know as “faptasy”. They’re the writer’s wet dream about “plucky” girls who drink a lot, swear a lot, have great boobs, and… that’s it, really. They like being told they could be raped, too, apparently.
The worldbuilding is chaotic and nonsensical, mixing pseudo-medieval Northern Europe, ancient Greece, modern army organization and, in the pentalogy, alternative Poland from the interwar period (“alternative” means “Polska stronk with nuclear submarines and stuff”). The plot is executed like a porn flick, as it is mostly just a pretext for talking about various bits of female anatomy or about military strategy. Both of these things are something that Ziemianski is very excited about. Funnily, both of these things are also something that he has little to no idea about.
To give you a taste of this pathetic trainwreck, I’ll give you a brief overview of things that happen in the trilogy. Achaja, the “protagonist”:
-is drafted into infantry, despite being a princess, and gets a uniform which hurts her nipples
-becomes prisoner of war and is tortured by an executioner who inject poison into her tits and vagina. She can’t feel pleasure during sex after that
-goes to a concentration camp in a desert, where she is trained in acrobatics and swordfighting by some ninja guy, and becomes a superstrong woman, but retains her luscious figure despite being severely underfed
-escapes the camp and, after a stupid turn of events, has to hide in a brothel; to pose as a whore, she gets a whore tattoo on her face and, obviously, on her ass
-goes to a country called Arkach, where people love freedom and vodka. Arkach is supposedly matriarchal, because there’s a queen and only women fight in the army (which is incredibly stupid and should lead to the whole population dying out within two generations), but all other gender stereotypes are still monstrously sexist
-is drafted into Arkach army, and gets a uniform consisting of a leather jacket and a mini skirt (so hot! I mean, so practical! with a long skirt, you can’t ride a horse, so the only viable solution is a mini skirt! and no underwear!)
-canoodles with her soldier friend because Ziemianski likes some girl-on-girl action
-falls in love with a drunkard, drug-addict, egotistic brat who only loves the sound of his own voice
-is killed by some cat monsters, who then reanimate her as another cat monster. That gives her wicked black eyes. A cat man has sex with her and she discovers she can feel pleasure again
-does nothing during the whole third book of the trilogy, apart from drinking, swearing, and showing her whore tattoo to an Arkach secret agent who also posed as a whore. Actually, they both get half naked to show their tattoos, in the middle of a street full of soldiers
-becomes Empress, and marries her beloved drunkard
-is knifed to death by assassins like Julius Ceasar.
And that’s just one half of the books. The other half consists of pseudo-philosophical, rambling rants about the meaning of Life, and the importance of whores for the balance of the world.
As I said, the saddest thing is that these books are really popular, cluttering bookstore shelves and the book market in general. As bad as Eragon or Twilight was, it never reached the depths of Ziemianski’s Achaja. Be glad that Polish culture is not as dominant as the English speaking one; that pestilence fortunately has no chance of spreading further.
Out of patriotism, I have to add that there are also good Polish authors. If you like science-fiction, Stanisław Lem is really cool - and translated to English.
To other members of this community from non-English speaking countries: do you have some really bad (or really good) books in your languages?
The man smiled, admiring her naivete.
“Respected lady, were I a bandit, I would have introduced myself with a false name, offered miracles, and not just my humble company, led you to a secluded place and then -”
She decided to prove to him that she wasn’t that stupid.
“Out of curiosity,” she interrupted him. “In that secluded place, would you mug me or rape me?”
He bowed slightly, respecting Kai’s quick wit.
“Glorious witch. Forgive me, but if I were that knave, I would do both.”
“Uh-huh. And if you didn’t have enough time, which one would you choose?”
He bowed again, noticing how she had forced a compliment out of him.
“My Lady, if I could choose just one - I’d rape you!”
She laughed. She really liked that reply.
Andrzej Ziemiański, Monument of Empress Achaja, translated from Polish by me (with tears in my eyes)
The abomination that you see above is an excerpt of a Polish fantasy novel - and not some obscure, little-known one. No, the books by Ziemianski (a trilogy and its sequel, a pentalogy, both consisting of 500-page long doorstoppers) are published by one of the largest Polish publishing houses, widely advertised, quite popular and rated around 7-8/10 on the Polish equivalent of Goodreads.
Those books belong to a genre that the more discerning readers know as “faptasy”. They’re the writer’s wet dream about “plucky” girls who drink a lot, swear a lot, have great boobs, and… that’s it, really. They like being told they could be raped, too, apparently.
The worldbuilding is chaotic and nonsensical, mixing pseudo-medieval Northern Europe, ancient Greece, modern army organization and, in the pentalogy, alternative Poland from the interwar period (“alternative” means “Polska stronk with nuclear submarines and stuff”). The plot is executed like a porn flick, as it is mostly just a pretext for talking about various bits of female anatomy or about military strategy. Both of these things are something that Ziemianski is very excited about. Funnily, both of these things are also something that he has little to no idea about.
To give you a taste of this pathetic trainwreck, I’ll give you a brief overview of things that happen in the trilogy. Achaja, the “protagonist”:
-is drafted into infantry, despite being a princess, and gets a uniform which hurts her nipples
-becomes prisoner of war and is tortured by an executioner who inject poison into her tits and vagina. She can’t feel pleasure during sex after that
-goes to a concentration camp in a desert, where she is trained in acrobatics and swordfighting by some ninja guy, and becomes a superstrong woman, but retains her luscious figure despite being severely underfed
-escapes the camp and, after a stupid turn of events, has to hide in a brothel; to pose as a whore, she gets a whore tattoo on her face and, obviously, on her ass
-goes to a country called Arkach, where people love freedom and vodka. Arkach is supposedly matriarchal, because there’s a queen and only women fight in the army (which is incredibly stupid and should lead to the whole population dying out within two generations), but all other gender stereotypes are still monstrously sexist
-is drafted into Arkach army, and gets a uniform consisting of a leather jacket and a mini skirt (so hot! I mean, so practical! with a long skirt, you can’t ride a horse, so the only viable solution is a mini skirt! and no underwear!)
-canoodles with her soldier friend because Ziemianski likes some girl-on-girl action
-falls in love with a drunkard, drug-addict, egotistic brat who only loves the sound of his own voice
-is killed by some cat monsters, who then reanimate her as another cat monster. That gives her wicked black eyes. A cat man has sex with her and she discovers she can feel pleasure again
-does nothing during the whole third book of the trilogy, apart from drinking, swearing, and showing her whore tattoo to an Arkach secret agent who also posed as a whore. Actually, they both get half naked to show their tattoos, in the middle of a street full of soldiers
-becomes Empress, and marries her beloved drunkard
-is knifed to death by assassins like Julius Ceasar.
And that’s just one half of the books. The other half consists of pseudo-philosophical, rambling rants about the meaning of Life, and the importance of whores for the balance of the world.
As I said, the saddest thing is that these books are really popular, cluttering bookstore shelves and the book market in general. As bad as Eragon or Twilight was, it never reached the depths of Ziemianski’s Achaja. Be glad that Polish culture is not as dominant as the English speaking one; that pestilence fortunately has no chance of spreading further.
Out of patriotism, I have to add that there are also good Polish authors. If you like science-fiction, Stanisław Lem is really cool - and translated to English.
To other members of this community from non-English speaking countries: do you have some really bad (or really good) books in your languages?