The Secret Lives of Ants
First thoughts? This is shit, complete and utter shit.
Alright, I've only read the blue book in the four part trilogy, so this is my attempt to catch up with you guys. I enjoyed Eragon when I first read it, but I've been struggling for months to read Eldest. Last night I got to "The Secret Lives of Ants", and I cringed at every word. Much like the chapter I read, the below is nothing short of trash. I'm going to make fun of several lines, rewrite others, and go a little too far with that bathing scene between Oromis and Eragon. I believe you guys call this a spork, right?
Anyway, expect me to drop the f bomb frequently and also expect some childish humor.
For the record, this is all being written in a single sitting. If something I write goes sloppy.... well I don't give a shit. :P
Without anymore delays....
"The moment that Oromis and Glaedr were out of sight, Saphira said,....."
Wait, where did they go? It wasn't until I read that Saphira "wriggled underneath him with joy" that I pieced together that the two (Eragon and Saphira) were flying. Maybe I'm just a sucky reader :(
"She continued on in that manner for several minutes, waxing eloquent about Glaedr's attributes. But stronger than her words were the emotions Eragon sensed roiling within her: eagerness and enthusiasm, twined over what he could only identify as a longing adoration."
What would I have done different in the above? I would have wrote a short conversation between Eragon and Saphira that went something like
Did you see how big his claws were?
Yes, they're big.
And his teeth? They were so long and sharp!
They sure were.
Oh, and did you see the size of his massive, throbbing....
And then have Eragon drift off into his super awesome thinking. I didn't really get a feel for how excited she was. There was a paragraph before that one where all she did was gush over how impressive he was... but Eragon didn't respond. I would've liked to see some back and forth between them. It would've at least given the two some kind of real conversation, and it could've been used to add some humor to the story.
"Eragon tried to tell Saphira what he had learned from Oromis, but he found it impossible to change the subject of conversation."
Show us next time, please.... going to do some skimming now.
Eragon spends some time looking at his reflection.... seeing himself change into an elf....
Wait, hold on a sec.
"Pulling back his hair, he bared his ears, which now tapered to slight points, more evidence of how his bond with Saphira had changed him."
Brom was a rider, why hadn't his appearance changed? If the bond between Rider and Dragon has nothing to do with elvinkind, why does the change practically turn you into an elf? Bah, I probably skimmed over a boring paragraph that explained all of the above. next!
"When will I finally know who and what I am?"
Potential for some character development, but I get the feeling this topic will never come back.
Eragon is shaving and..... "When he reached his chin, though, the razor slipped in his hand and cut him from the corner of his mouth to the underside of his jaw. He howled and dropped the razor, clapping his hand over the incision, which poured blood down his neck."
How the fuck is he using that razor!?! Are you serious? Maybe the intensity of his eyebrows reflects the intensity with how he handles a blade. I just fail to see this in my head. I'm going to assume the blade is like a straight razor (since they don't have quad blade razors in ye olde alagea''''''''''sia) and I still can't see it slipping that badly. If you're shaving with a straight razor, you don't have to press down very hard for it to slice anything. Anytime I've slipped with a razor was when my hand was wet and soapy, and even then the end result wasn't nearly as bad as Eragon's slip up. The cut goes from the corner of his mouth to the underside of his jaw....
WHAT
THE
FUCK
Alright, read it again. The blade slips... but doesn't fall? So Eragon didn't lose grip on the razor, so how did this happen? I've got a straight razor, and I keep going over it in my head. It doesn't make sense. What's worse is that it's POURING blood. I've nicked myself before, and it's usually a little dab here and there. I'm not even going to try and figure that out.
Gonna paraphrase....
Eragon uses waise heill.... Saphira bursts in and asks what happened... Eragon says he nicked himself while shaving the base of the tree to make his nether region hairless like the rest of his elven body.... aaaaaaaaaand now we get to
"Composing himself, he reviewed his store of words from the ancient language, selected those that he needed, and then allowed his invented spell to roll off his tongue. A faint stream of black power fell from his face as his stubble crumbled into dust, leaving his cheeks perfectly smooth."
Alright, why am I highlighting the above?
Where's the language? Where is the damn language that I hear so much about? Hmm? Paolini, you and your fans say it over and over again... you invented an entire language, lets see it! Did anyone else notice this? What words did he say to make hair turn to powder? Did he say "Hair turn to powder!" in the mystical language? If that was the case, why did only his stubble leave? And finally...
Why didn't he do that in the first place? It's faster and easier than shaving
Oh, and before I go any further.... gonna shoot down some prose
"Saphira eyed the sanguine water..."
The water turned sanguine? Sanguine is blood red (or cheerfully optimistic if not referring to color).... you mean to tell me that eragon bled enough to make the water blood red? I don't know if you guys have ever bled into a sink or something (which I imagined when I read this) but it takes an awful lot to turn the water blood red. I get some nasty nosebleeds, and the best I get is a pinkish hue.
Oromis gives eragon a better saddle.... Saphira wants to do the nasty with Glaedr.... skip skip skip.... Oromis teaches Eragon yoga.... Eragon bitches about the scar.... skip skip
Oh boy....
"'Let us wash the sweat from our limbs,' said Oromis when they finished.
Going to the stream by the house, they quickly disrobed..."
Alright, let's pause here. Eragon, a fifteen year old boy is disrobing quickly in front of an old man? He seems a bit too eager to me. Since no one's seen his chubby since he's gone through puberty (except Brom, considering they drilled throughout the night on many occasions), you think he would hesitate, or go slow... anything! But it gets better....
"... Eragon surreptitiously watched the elf...."
Fuck.... *walks to get dictionary*.......... *comes back*
surreptitious |ˌsərəpˈti sh əs|
adjective
kept secret, esp. because it would not be approved of
O_O
Are you serious? It continues
"... curious as to what he looked like without his clothes..."
What the fuck! This is a book for kids and we got Gary Sue here peeping in on a crusty old elf to see what his wibble looks look! Dear God, am I the only one who feels awkward reading this?
I'm going to quote that again... "Eragon was curious to see what he looked like without his clothes."
Again
"ERAGON was CURIOUS to see what he looked like WITHOUT HIS CLOTHES."
Let's see... what is it anti's do when something is just so overwhelmingly bad? Oh yeah
*headdesk*
Let's keep going, where was I?
Let us wash the sweat..... disrobe quickly.... Eragon eye's Oromis' hairless peaches..... aha
"Oromis was very thin, yet his muscles were perfectly defined, etched under his skin with the hard lines of a wood cut."
Hear that kiddies? Oromis has wood. Sorry... anyway... it sounds like Eragon is looking at Oromis too much. Why not say he had lean muscle? That's simple enough, right?
"No hair grew upon his chest or legs, not even around his groin."
AHA! There it is! Elves don't have pubic hairs!
"His body seemed almost freakish to Eragon, compared to the men he was used to seeing in Carvahall."
..... really, Paolini? With Eragon sneaking surreptitious glances at a naked elf and eying his groin, the above sounds like he's done this before with men in Carvahall.
Alright, let's skip ahead.
Prose prose.... Oromis leaves Eragon in the woods.... "Sit here, cross your legs".... skip skip
Alright, Eragon starts feeling the creatures around him
"Initially only a void surrounded him, but then pricks of light and warmth began to appear in the darkness, strengthening until he sat in the midst of a galaxy of swirling constellations, each bright point representing a life."
That's kickass, but I wouldn't have gone with stars myself. I would've described it as something Eragon would be more familiar with than "galaxies". Why is galaxy used here? Constellations and stars, sure I can see that, but galaxies? I wouldn't use stars and constellations because they are fixed and slow moving. If each light represented life, it would be violent and twitchy. More like small candles.
Eragon is then astounded by the number of insects around....
"Tens of thousands dwelled in a square foot of moss..."
Excuse me? Tens of thousands in a square foot, what insects were they? It would have to be some kind of super tiny mite.
Eragon starts watching the ants... and listens to their "urges"
"the urge to find food and avoid injury, the urge to defend one's territory, the urge to mate..."
Bullshit, Paolini, you know nothing about bugs at all. There is no urge to defend one's territory in ants, that makes them sound like singular animals. The urge to mate? Really? The workers don't have sex, that job is left up to the drones that typically stay in the nests (if my memory serves me correctly) and they only mate with a single female. That is the queen.
Skip skip skip.... blessing on child was actually a curse since you didn't use the proper tense... contradicts what you said about the word not meaning anything, it's the intent....
Wait, didn't Brom say something in book one about someone using the word for Water and turning it into a jewel? That contradicts what Oromis says about only being able to "twist" words and not "contravene" its definition. Gah! This magic system sucks so hardcore. I'm confused... gonna keep going...
Oromis uses the word 'nucleus' (I call bullshit on that, by the way) ,,,,
"'There must be ways to remove the blessing, to negate a spell.' Eragon was almost pleading
'There are. But for them to be most effective, you should be the one to apply them, and you cannot be spared here....'"
Gah! I'm tired of this lame magic! You mean to tell me that Oromis, the greatest elf of all time in magic, can't undo a simple curse? This is so stupid! I can tell right now that in book 3 Eragon is going to spend an entire fucking chapter going back to uncurse this stupid girl. Am I right? Someone who's read the book, tell me.
I'm done here, there isn't much else to make fun of.
Alright, I've only read the blue book in the four part trilogy, so this is my attempt to catch up with you guys. I enjoyed Eragon when I first read it, but I've been struggling for months to read Eldest. Last night I got to "The Secret Lives of Ants", and I cringed at every word. Much like the chapter I read, the below is nothing short of trash. I'm going to make fun of several lines, rewrite others, and go a little too far with that bathing scene between Oromis and Eragon. I believe you guys call this a spork, right?
Anyway, expect me to drop the f bomb frequently and also expect some childish humor.
For the record, this is all being written in a single sitting. If something I write goes sloppy.... well I don't give a shit. :P
Without anymore delays....
"The moment that Oromis and Glaedr were out of sight, Saphira said,....."
Wait, where did they go? It wasn't until I read that Saphira "wriggled underneath him with joy" that I pieced together that the two (Eragon and Saphira) were flying. Maybe I'm just a sucky reader :(
"She continued on in that manner for several minutes, waxing eloquent about Glaedr's attributes. But stronger than her words were the emotions Eragon sensed roiling within her: eagerness and enthusiasm, twined over what he could only identify as a longing adoration."
What would I have done different in the above? I would have wrote a short conversation between Eragon and Saphira that went something like
Did you see how big his claws were?
Yes, they're big.
And his teeth? They were so long and sharp!
They sure were.
Oh, and did you see the size of his massive, throbbing....
And then have Eragon drift off into his super awesome thinking. I didn't really get a feel for how excited she was. There was a paragraph before that one where all she did was gush over how impressive he was... but Eragon didn't respond. I would've liked to see some back and forth between them. It would've at least given the two some kind of real conversation, and it could've been used to add some humor to the story.
"Eragon tried to tell Saphira what he had learned from Oromis, but he found it impossible to change the subject of conversation."
Show us next time, please.... going to do some skimming now.
Eragon spends some time looking at his reflection.... seeing himself change into an elf....
Wait, hold on a sec.
"Pulling back his hair, he bared his ears, which now tapered to slight points, more evidence of how his bond with Saphira had changed him."
Brom was a rider, why hadn't his appearance changed? If the bond between Rider and Dragon has nothing to do with elvinkind, why does the change practically turn you into an elf? Bah, I probably skimmed over a boring paragraph that explained all of the above. next!
"When will I finally know who and what I am?"
Potential for some character development, but I get the feeling this topic will never come back.
Eragon is shaving and..... "When he reached his chin, though, the razor slipped in his hand and cut him from the corner of his mouth to the underside of his jaw. He howled and dropped the razor, clapping his hand over the incision, which poured blood down his neck."
How the fuck is he using that razor!?! Are you serious? Maybe the intensity of his eyebrows reflects the intensity with how he handles a blade. I just fail to see this in my head. I'm going to assume the blade is like a straight razor (since they don't have quad blade razors in ye olde alagea''''''''''sia) and I still can't see it slipping that badly. If you're shaving with a straight razor, you don't have to press down very hard for it to slice anything. Anytime I've slipped with a razor was when my hand was wet and soapy, and even then the end result wasn't nearly as bad as Eragon's slip up. The cut goes from the corner of his mouth to the underside of his jaw....
WHAT
THE
FUCK
Alright, read it again. The blade slips... but doesn't fall? So Eragon didn't lose grip on the razor, so how did this happen? I've got a straight razor, and I keep going over it in my head. It doesn't make sense. What's worse is that it's POURING blood. I've nicked myself before, and it's usually a little dab here and there. I'm not even going to try and figure that out.
Gonna paraphrase....
Eragon uses waise heill.... Saphira bursts in and asks what happened... Eragon says he nicked himself while shaving the base of the tree to make his nether region hairless like the rest of his elven body.... aaaaaaaaaand now we get to
"Composing himself, he reviewed his store of words from the ancient language, selected those that he needed, and then allowed his invented spell to roll off his tongue. A faint stream of black power fell from his face as his stubble crumbled into dust, leaving his cheeks perfectly smooth."
Alright, why am I highlighting the above?
Where's the language? Where is the damn language that I hear so much about? Hmm? Paolini, you and your fans say it over and over again... you invented an entire language, lets see it! Did anyone else notice this? What words did he say to make hair turn to powder? Did he say "Hair turn to powder!" in the mystical language? If that was the case, why did only his stubble leave? And finally...
Why didn't he do that in the first place? It's faster and easier than shaving
Oh, and before I go any further.... gonna shoot down some prose
"Saphira eyed the sanguine water..."
The water turned sanguine? Sanguine is blood red (or cheerfully optimistic if not referring to color).... you mean to tell me that eragon bled enough to make the water blood red? I don't know if you guys have ever bled into a sink or something (which I imagined when I read this) but it takes an awful lot to turn the water blood red. I get some nasty nosebleeds, and the best I get is a pinkish hue.
Oromis gives eragon a better saddle.... Saphira wants to do the nasty with Glaedr.... skip skip skip.... Oromis teaches Eragon yoga.... Eragon bitches about the scar.... skip skip
Oh boy....
"'Let us wash the sweat from our limbs,' said Oromis when they finished.
Going to the stream by the house, they quickly disrobed..."
Alright, let's pause here. Eragon, a fifteen year old boy is disrobing quickly in front of an old man? He seems a bit too eager to me. Since no one's seen his chubby since he's gone through puberty (except Brom, considering they drilled throughout the night on many occasions), you think he would hesitate, or go slow... anything! But it gets better....
"... Eragon surreptitiously watched the elf...."
Fuck.... *walks to get dictionary*.......... *comes back*
surreptitious |ˌsərəpˈti sh əs|
adjective
kept secret, esp. because it would not be approved of
O_O
Are you serious? It continues
"... curious as to what he looked like without his clothes..."
What the fuck! This is a book for kids and we got Gary Sue here peeping in on a crusty old elf to see what his wibble looks look! Dear God, am I the only one who feels awkward reading this?
I'm going to quote that again... "Eragon was curious to see what he looked like without his clothes."
Again
"ERAGON was CURIOUS to see what he looked like WITHOUT HIS CLOTHES."
Let's see... what is it anti's do when something is just so overwhelmingly bad? Oh yeah
*headdesk*
Let's keep going, where was I?
Let us wash the sweat..... disrobe quickly.... Eragon eye's Oromis' hairless peaches..... aha
"Oromis was very thin, yet his muscles were perfectly defined, etched under his skin with the hard lines of a wood cut."
Hear that kiddies? Oromis has wood. Sorry... anyway... it sounds like Eragon is looking at Oromis too much. Why not say he had lean muscle? That's simple enough, right?
"No hair grew upon his chest or legs, not even around his groin."
AHA! There it is! Elves don't have pubic hairs!
"His body seemed almost freakish to Eragon, compared to the men he was used to seeing in Carvahall."
..... really, Paolini? With Eragon sneaking surreptitious glances at a naked elf and eying his groin, the above sounds like he's done this before with men in Carvahall.
Alright, let's skip ahead.
Prose prose.... Oromis leaves Eragon in the woods.... "Sit here, cross your legs".... skip skip
Alright, Eragon starts feeling the creatures around him
"Initially only a void surrounded him, but then pricks of light and warmth began to appear in the darkness, strengthening until he sat in the midst of a galaxy of swirling constellations, each bright point representing a life."
That's kickass, but I wouldn't have gone with stars myself. I would've described it as something Eragon would be more familiar with than "galaxies". Why is galaxy used here? Constellations and stars, sure I can see that, but galaxies? I wouldn't use stars and constellations because they are fixed and slow moving. If each light represented life, it would be violent and twitchy. More like small candles.
Eragon is then astounded by the number of insects around....
"Tens of thousands dwelled in a square foot of moss..."
Excuse me? Tens of thousands in a square foot, what insects were they? It would have to be some kind of super tiny mite.
Eragon starts watching the ants... and listens to their "urges"
"the urge to find food and avoid injury, the urge to defend one's territory, the urge to mate..."
Bullshit, Paolini, you know nothing about bugs at all. There is no urge to defend one's territory in ants, that makes them sound like singular animals. The urge to mate? Really? The workers don't have sex, that job is left up to the drones that typically stay in the nests (if my memory serves me correctly) and they only mate with a single female. That is the queen.
Skip skip skip.... blessing on child was actually a curse since you didn't use the proper tense... contradicts what you said about the word not meaning anything, it's the intent....
Wait, didn't Brom say something in book one about someone using the word for Water and turning it into a jewel? That contradicts what Oromis says about only being able to "twist" words and not "contravene" its definition. Gah! This magic system sucks so hardcore. I'm confused... gonna keep going...
Oromis uses the word 'nucleus' (I call bullshit on that, by the way) ,,,,
"'There must be ways to remove the blessing, to negate a spell.' Eragon was almost pleading
'There are. But for them to be most effective, you should be the one to apply them, and you cannot be spared here....'"
Gah! I'm tired of this lame magic! You mean to tell me that Oromis, the greatest elf of all time in magic, can't undo a simple curse? This is so stupid! I can tell right now that in book 3 Eragon is going to spend an entire fucking chapter going back to uncurse this stupid girl. Am I right? Someone who's read the book, tell me.
I'm done here, there isn't much else to make fun of.