(no subject)
It finally hit me today that it's two months - less than two months - until I get married to Aaron. That's such an odd feeling. Something within me is snapping into action, finally, and I'm scrolling through a mental to-do list.
But there are so may thoughts I'm having. A lot of emotions. What does it mean to be a wife? How does this position me in the world, in relationship to my aspirations, in relationship to the identity I've been striving for. Why are titles - words that serve as identifiers - so powerful? Do I change? I guess that for the past 12 or so years, I've wanted to be wanted - I've needed to feel wanted my whole life and finally figured out how to be sexy and be wanted in a specific way that worked for me. I can't really thrive on that anymore. That's something that changes. Honestly, it probably should've changed already - I'm taken, forever, now. I'm unavailable to the men who find me attractive, permanently. I need Aaron to satisfy those needs. And I have to satisfy them for him. I have responsibilities to him, permanently - like, for real for real. Forever.
He's a child in so many ways, and I've been dwelling on that a lot because those childish things he does and the child-like part of him tends to piss me off a lot. But, for a minute, in the confidential environment of my journal, I'm a child in so many other ways - and it's my fears that make me so. I get that. Fear makes us immature and regressive. I don't want people to laugh at me. I'm so afraid of people not taking me seriously that I hide away, under the skirts of introversion. I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to look at me sideways, and I don't want to be bound to anyone because I haven't matured into taking care of anyone but myself. I want to give out of wanting to give, not out of duty. But I don't know what I want, for the most part. I don't want to not be with Aaron. I don't want to be without the kindness in his eyes or the warmth that comes from being in his arms. There are so many moment when I'm surprised by how much I love him. What is that, though? I'm completely confused by my love for him, meaning I don't feel secure in it. I've never felt secure in romantic love for anyone. But this had to happen sometime, I tell myself, because I've wanted it to.
Aaron turns me on. He's phenomenal in bed, and I like it when he wants to do things to me. He changes from child to man pretty quickly, and it makes my heart leap. When he does that, I realize how much of a child I actually am. This happens not just in bed, but he's able to spring into action when he needs to. I need to give him more credit for trying so hard to grow up in the other ways I need him to. Am I trying as hard as he is? he's not asking a lot of me, so I need to ask more of myself.
I need to take care of him when he's not feeling well, no matter how I think he's overacting. I need to stop complaining about little messes he makes and just clean them up - he does SO much around the house that I don't give him nearly enough credit for. I need to show him how grateful I am far more often. I need to encourage his music and writing and ideas that he gets excited about. I need to have more compassion for when he acts weirdly around people like his brother, and gently help bring him back to center. I need to trust him around other women.
I'm glad I'm going to therapy next week. I have so much stuff to work on, so much fear to work through. I can't fully love him until I stop being afraid of him. I can't grow up until I stop being afraid of myself.