Down Day
I feel lonely today, and sad. Things are going well with freelancing, even if I feel I have no time to breathe. I feel like I'm doing something that means something, that I'm writing, even if I'm writing about golfing and Maui real estate and fitness apps. I feel like I'm using my mind.
I feel, though, that I may be alone forever. I worry about that in a passive way. It's in the back of my mind that I may not find anyone who will love me the way I want to be loved while I'm young. I know I'm lovable, and I know I'm talented and smart and good-hearted. I know I'm fairly cool and sociable. I'm neurotic but unless I'm confiding in a friend, I never let anyone see it.
But I'm sad. I don't feel like I fit in a lot, and I miss New York. I literally dream about moving back and wake up depressed that I'm still in Colorado. I can get back there, but it's not the right time. I'd lose my clients, probably, and I don't know if I could afford it right now. So, I'm developing myself here.
But I think about all the things I fucked up with John and wonder why I couldn't just accept some things and see how much he tried with others. This is all retrospective, obviously, and I always thought this way before I got back together with him and he did something so terribly wrong that I couldn't recover back to normalcy. I miss him, but I acted the way I acted for a reason. I wasn't crazy then, as I'm not crazy now.
And there has to be someone out there for me. Or maybe several guys out there for me. I don't know how to find him, though. I just need to hold on, I suppose. And move out of my parents' house and be a normal human being.
Anyhow, I felt the need to jot this down because there's only so much of this you can say to a friend before you just seem like a miserable, desperate fool-your friend may love you in spite of that, but you still seem miserable and desperate.
At least I'm not actually desperate, though. I won't settle; I'm too strong-willed and feisty for that. If someone turns me off somehow-which is scarily easy to do, it'd seem-I can't get back to infatuation.
I guess it'll happen or it won't. It's just sad today. But, I have at least 6 more hours of work today, so...I have to just put it aside.
I feel, though, that I may be alone forever. I worry about that in a passive way. It's in the back of my mind that I may not find anyone who will love me the way I want to be loved while I'm young. I know I'm lovable, and I know I'm talented and smart and good-hearted. I know I'm fairly cool and sociable. I'm neurotic but unless I'm confiding in a friend, I never let anyone see it.
But I'm sad. I don't feel like I fit in a lot, and I miss New York. I literally dream about moving back and wake up depressed that I'm still in Colorado. I can get back there, but it's not the right time. I'd lose my clients, probably, and I don't know if I could afford it right now. So, I'm developing myself here.
But I think about all the things I fucked up with John and wonder why I couldn't just accept some things and see how much he tried with others. This is all retrospective, obviously, and I always thought this way before I got back together with him and he did something so terribly wrong that I couldn't recover back to normalcy. I miss him, but I acted the way I acted for a reason. I wasn't crazy then, as I'm not crazy now.
And there has to be someone out there for me. Or maybe several guys out there for me. I don't know how to find him, though. I just need to hold on, I suppose. And move out of my parents' house and be a normal human being.
Anyhow, I felt the need to jot this down because there's only so much of this you can say to a friend before you just seem like a miserable, desperate fool-your friend may love you in spite of that, but you still seem miserable and desperate.
At least I'm not actually desperate, though. I won't settle; I'm too strong-willed and feisty for that. If someone turns me off somehow-which is scarily easy to do, it'd seem-I can't get back to infatuation.
I guess it'll happen or it won't. It's just sad today. But, I have at least 6 more hours of work today, so...I have to just put it aside.