The Search For Fresher Air
I tend to feel guilty that I've tried to make it work with John so much. I think it's because I feel I'm a burden to everyone who has tried to support me, and I feel stupid. Regardless of those two things, these emotions I have a real, no matter how many times I experience them, and I'm not stupid-emotions don't make sense, and my heart often triumphs over my mental fortitude.
At this point, John and I both know we need to break up. It's painful and it's terrible; we will cry and hug each other and consider other solutions. But it needs to happen. Life is going by and we're unhappy. I'm unhappy and he's unhappy that he can't make me happy (which makes me feel guilty and even more miserable).
I feel a time crunch for all these things because my 27th birthday is less than a month away. I feel like I'm wasting my life in this relationship. Every time I'm with John, I stop being productive, I drain my creative reserves, and I watch my vitality fade as I succumb to a double life-one in which I struggle to stay happy and the other in which I sit on the couch with John and get fat watching television.
I don't regret trying again with him, but I think I will regret it if I spend any more time on this failed venture, losing my soul.
Other than the breakup itself, these are the main three problems:
1. The living situation: My name is on the lease, all my stuff is here (obviously), and it's so incredibly difficult to find a place to live. My suggestion would be to become roommates. I don't think he'd like that very much, and it certainly wouldn't be ideal, but it's something. Also, we have a lot of shared stuff, including the bed.
2. Our parents are really good friends, and they adamantly believe we'll end up together.
3. The transition: We aren't angry at one another, and we want to be in one another's lives. What the hell do we do? Do we become friends? Do we become roommates? We're pretty much best friends already. It just doesn't work to stop talking to one another. I do not want a "break."
Whatever it is, I feel it's so urgent to talk to him. I want to get on with my life, to be happy and free again. Even the air felt different to me the three days we were broken up and I was staying with Sari; it felt fresh.
At this point, John and I both know we need to break up. It's painful and it's terrible; we will cry and hug each other and consider other solutions. But it needs to happen. Life is going by and we're unhappy. I'm unhappy and he's unhappy that he can't make me happy (which makes me feel guilty and even more miserable).
I feel a time crunch for all these things because my 27th birthday is less than a month away. I feel like I'm wasting my life in this relationship. Every time I'm with John, I stop being productive, I drain my creative reserves, and I watch my vitality fade as I succumb to a double life-one in which I struggle to stay happy and the other in which I sit on the couch with John and get fat watching television.
I don't regret trying again with him, but I think I will regret it if I spend any more time on this failed venture, losing my soul.
Other than the breakup itself, these are the main three problems:
1. The living situation: My name is on the lease, all my stuff is here (obviously), and it's so incredibly difficult to find a place to live. My suggestion would be to become roommates. I don't think he'd like that very much, and it certainly wouldn't be ideal, but it's something. Also, we have a lot of shared stuff, including the bed.
2. Our parents are really good friends, and they adamantly believe we'll end up together.
3. The transition: We aren't angry at one another, and we want to be in one another's lives. What the hell do we do? Do we become friends? Do we become roommates? We're pretty much best friends already. It just doesn't work to stop talking to one another. I do not want a "break."
Whatever it is, I feel it's so urgent to talk to him. I want to get on with my life, to be happy and free again. Even the air felt different to me the three days we were broken up and I was staying with Sari; it felt fresh.