This is My Life Right Now
I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so miserable. Everything in my life seems wrong. I am not happy. I'm not having fun. I don't care for the "friends" I have out here. My work is terrible-I'm fairly sure they'll fire me if I don't quit first, as I don't even know what I'm doing there.
I came to the cafe to write, but I can't even concentrate enough to do that. I want to go back in time. I want to go back to before John was here and before my job got shitty and before I left Williamsburg. I want to go back to when I still thought something of my writing and to when I had adventures. I want to go back to when I was inspired by life and found the humor and mystery in it compelling enough to make daily living worthwhile.
I also have this thing now where I look at people in groups of friends and wonder what it'd be like to be in one of those. i've never had that in my life. I've never been a functional member of a group. I've never been on vacation with friends.
I'm just sad. I'm depressed. I keep thinking John's not fun and doesn't know how to have fun, really. It's true that he's not creative, but it's not his fault. I'm not particularly full of the craziness myself, and it's not his responsibility to entertain me all the time. I actually have no idea why he's with me-I feel like all I do is pick on him, and I don't know how to stop. I am still not sure if it's ever going to be right between us, but we're good friends, and it's okay for now. Being together is actually proving to be healthier, at this point: We've been doing well on our detox, and I've stopped smoking hookah and going out drinking. We buy healthier food and water.
I don't know what to do with myself in this life. Maybe I should say that I have ten months of figuring it out to do. Unless something changes, John and I won't live together after our lease is up, and I'll probably move back to Colorado. I should find a better job before then in an industry that I'm interested in, maybe advocacy. I should start going to group meetings and lectures and see what I can do to become more culturally involved.
I've been looking into these mediabistro copyediting courses, and I'm considering investing in them to learn all the copyediting essentials, for real, and coming out with a certificate to note on my resumé.
All I can do is plan. Why does everything suck right now? John and I may go away this weekend. I want to go to the beach.
A part of me just wishes I were SOMEthing. That I had an identity, a sense of longing. Even if I were a druggy, a sun child, a pretentious hipster...I don't even know. I'm in the midst of such an identity crisis. I feel that I've never had one. I'm an actual non-conformist, who is unassociated and has always been unassociated with everything. It's fucking lonely in the world. I have so many morals and stands that I take. I'm pretty sure most of my friends on Facebook block me because I'm so moralistic; see if I care (I post a ton of them, anyway). I am passionate about everything I believe in or don't believe in. I can't get out of my own way. I hate myself but am proud of myself and ashamed of myself at the same time.
And the secret about John that I realized yesterday, but will probably never tell him, is that he oftentimes embodies the side of myself that I have trained myself not to express or to be wary of. I'll elaborate on that more at another time. Maybe.
Right now, I'm going to go home, in the heat that makes me pass out, and bemoan my life some more, because I don't want to stay in Bedford Hill.
I'm so hungry.