(no subject)
My job is numbing my brain. I feel much less sharp than I used to be. I just sit there in an ADHD fit, doing nothing but dulling my senses and surfing the internet and working on asinine things while Adrian complains to me (probably 7 of the 8 hours I'm there). But what do I do? Look for another job that will be the same freaking thing? I have no direction, and I'm so exhausted that I have no more fuel to do anything that good for me outside of work. I've been writing more often, I suppose, but I haven't done a thing with this reference manual on my desk, and I don't exercise anymore. I hate our neighborhood, I hate my job, and I hate myself. I can't really go outside here, even, without feeling watched and judged. This hood brings on a set of woes I've never dealt with before. I'm tired of it and everything. John and I were doing better, but I think it's good I have a couple days by myself while he's with his family-though I hate walking home, down the street, alone at night. He has a weaker tolerance for his shitty job than I do mine, and he just plays games all day, which is starting to REALLY piss me off. I don't know why it's any of my business, but it's just that my world is coated in bullshit, and his completely uninspired candor is sometimes too much for me.
I don't know what to do.
And I feel fat, and I think it's from stress. I keep wanting to go back to adderall, especially since Adrian is nonstop about it, though I probably won't. It's a shortcut, an easy way to kill some time in my life and drop some weight. I need to forget about it and dig myself out of this hole without stupidly making more problems for myself.
I don't know what to do.
And I feel fat, and I think it's from stress. I keep wanting to go back to adderall, especially since Adrian is nonstop about it, though I probably won't. It's a shortcut, an easy way to kill some time in my life and drop some weight. I need to forget about it and dig myself out of this hole without stupidly making more problems for myself.