Ode to My Parents

[antiqrule1]

I can't even imagine being a parent-my parents. They love me so much and miss me and want me there with them, yet they want me to be wherever it makes me happiest. I don't know if I'm that big of a person. I really don't. The amount of love that's between my parents and I is unquantifiable. It's amazing. We've had our ups and downs and huge upsets, but I am so, so grateful for them and their love and who they are as people. It's not that I'm just realizing this now, but I'm realizing this in this very particular way just now. Time is dividing us and aging us between visits. I don't want it to. A large part of me wants to live by them to make them happy and to feel that sort of security only my parents can give me. But this is my life right now. I love them so much, though. I sent my mother my quickly recorded version of myself singing "Rhythm of the Rain" and then cried after I sent it. I miss her so much.

There are times in life-no matter how old you are, I can imagine-when you just want to go home to your parents' (if you're so lucky to have parents like mine) house, curly up next to their fireplace in a blanket, be snuggled by puppies, and watch them reading or sitting next to each other or some such thing. I wish I was in that exact scenario right now. I don't want to be a grown up now, to have an adult job that I could care less about (except for the money), and to be far away from my parents. I may be more settled in life than I have ever been, but I somehow still feel the most lost. I just feel absolutely lost.

I don't know what's happening. I'm so depressed. And I'm very, very homesick.