Another Sad, Ridiculous Entry
I wish I were a different person-one who didn't experience such longing so deeply and relentlessly. I wish my heart didn't hurt so much, so often. I wish I didn't cry so often that the tears have lost their originality. I wish I didn't have to experience so much pain and feel ashamed about being back in this emotion and position yet another time.
I worry that I'll die of heartache. At this time of my life, I feel like I'm on a rack, being stretched in so many directions between people I love. God damn it, there's nothing like this pain. If I leave New York, I leave my brother; If I stay there, it's unbearable to be so far from my father. And for over a year, I haven't been able to be with John. I give up on trying to resist my love for him. I can't. I just can't. I love him and I'll die loving him. It doesn't have to be anyone's problem anymore, but that's what I have to do. He's not sitting back with his arms crossed, not wanting things to improve; he really wants to figure things out. So, we'll see. I just want to be with him. Nothing should ever hurt this badly. I want all the pain to go away.
I need to work out. I hate my apartment, my room, my neighborhood for running and working out. I feel like I'm drowning in my own stuff in New York. I can't even fucking think straight. I kind of don't even want to find a job out there. I just want to come back to Colorado. I'm not going to get a better apartment there, unless it's in a bad area. I can't afford anything, and I feel like I'm being suffocated. I'm absolutely at an impasse: I don't have a job; I feel like there's nowhere I can even comfortably sit at my computer and hunt for a job; and I don't know what I even like about New York without money; I have to do something about my situation while I still have savings left; I need enough money to move; everyone I love, except for Josh, is in Colorado.
The other option: If I need to go "Fuck it" and get the fuck away from everything, including all my sorrow, I can go abroad and teach. If I do that, I will try and disappear. John will probably get over me (just thinking about it is sending me into tears); my friends will pretty much forget about me, and I'll just be able to quiet my mind or dwell in the new sorrow I've created for myself.
I wish, so much, that my life were okay. I'm so heartbroken. I want it all to be better now. I hate still being stuck here.
I worry that I'll die of heartache. At this time of my life, I feel like I'm on a rack, being stretched in so many directions between people I love. God damn it, there's nothing like this pain. If I leave New York, I leave my brother; If I stay there, it's unbearable to be so far from my father. And for over a year, I haven't been able to be with John. I give up on trying to resist my love for him. I can't. I just can't. I love him and I'll die loving him. It doesn't have to be anyone's problem anymore, but that's what I have to do. He's not sitting back with his arms crossed, not wanting things to improve; he really wants to figure things out. So, we'll see. I just want to be with him. Nothing should ever hurt this badly. I want all the pain to go away.
I need to work out. I hate my apartment, my room, my neighborhood for running and working out. I feel like I'm drowning in my own stuff in New York. I can't even fucking think straight. I kind of don't even want to find a job out there. I just want to come back to Colorado. I'm not going to get a better apartment there, unless it's in a bad area. I can't afford anything, and I feel like I'm being suffocated. I'm absolutely at an impasse: I don't have a job; I feel like there's nowhere I can even comfortably sit at my computer and hunt for a job; and I don't know what I even like about New York without money; I have to do something about my situation while I still have savings left; I need enough money to move; everyone I love, except for Josh, is in Colorado.
The other option: If I need to go "Fuck it" and get the fuck away from everything, including all my sorrow, I can go abroad and teach. If I do that, I will try and disappear. John will probably get over me (just thinking about it is sending me into tears); my friends will pretty much forget about me, and I'll just be able to quiet my mind or dwell in the new sorrow I've created for myself.
I wish, so much, that my life were okay. I'm so heartbroken. I want it all to be better now. I hate still being stuck here.